"LEAVE YOUR MAMA ALONE!” Clara stood in the doorway, waiting for the girls to leave my bedside. “She ain’t had nothing but a few hours of rest. How you feel if somebody come and wake you up after your head just hit the pillow? Now go on downstairs.”
“It’s okay. I’m up.”
“N’all. Now go on back to sleep.”
Clara disappeared and so did my little ones. All I needed was to hear her voice and the front door closing to know she got Nikki and Mya off to school. I yawned and stretched my body as far out as it could go. I still had on my dress from the night before but my earrings hadn’t made it home with me. For the life of me I couldn’t remember what happened to them. I remembered the trip to the washroom...the dance floor...and...Heziah.
Ricky was nowhere to be found but that was normal. He got up and out the door just before sunrise. He had a fight coming up in a few weeks that if he won would move him to the next division he said. It was the second time in his career he’d gotten close to it. Last time he choked against a weaker guy. That’s how he’d put it. He just ain’t wanna admit that somebody could beat him at something, could be more trained, more talented. He wouldn’t even think it was possible.
“What you smiling about?” Clara came back, with a smile of her own at the sight of mine. “You have fun last night?”
“I think so.”
“You think so? How you not gonna know, hun? You had that much fun? That you don’t even remember?” I nodded and she kissed me on the head. A wet, brisk kiss. “It feel real good to live life, don’t it? Instead of just letting it pass you by.”
“Yeah.”
I kept that feeling all the way through breakfast. We sat in the kitchen, sipping our coffee and keeping still. I gave Natalie her bottle even though she was getting to the age that she was more interested in what we were drinking than what I had for her.
“So you girls had yourselves a good time, huh?”
“Sure did, Auntie. We danced and drank...”
“Ooo, look at you! Guess you had a little more than them Shirley Temples you used to.” Clara pushed her empty cup of coffee to the side, letting her bosom ease over the edge of the table. “You ain’t buy all your own drinks did you?”
“No, Auntie.”
“Good girl. You and Ricky been together so long you ain’t have no chance to explore what life got to offer. Ain’t nothing wrong with flirting with it every now and then.”
I ain’t know what to say to that, just nodded and tried to focus on Nat. The night before was over. I was back to being just a married woman. Good thing too. Wasn’t no smoke trying to weigh me down and men trying to feel me up. Just me and my girls. Was better that way. What kinda mama would I be if I went looking for something outside my front door?
Jackie took up her usual spot in front of the TV set, explaining to her baby sister exactly what was happening on Sesame Street. She knew all the characters by name and thought that Nat should too. Nat wasn’t yet a year but she was crawling and sitting up. If left alone, she’d crawl to wherever her sisters were and watch everything they did. I was lucky that Nat was a pretty easy baby. She ain’t cry too much. She slept the right amount. The only thing was she looked nothing like Ricky. Ain’t bother me none but I could tell it bothered him. She was darker than me, darker than anybody in his family, and when she was born he looked at her then looked at me. I thought he was gonna accuse me of stepping out on him. And on top of everything else, she was a girl. I guess I thought he’d get over it, get on to loving her like he should’ve. I was wrong. But he ain’t have to love her. His love wasn’t nothing to go calling home about no way. She was my baby and I loved her.
We had started cleaning the dishes when the phone rang. I didn’t think much of it. Just kept rinsing and drying and humming to myself. Then Clara squinted at me and held out the phone. “It’s for you.”
From the second I heard his voice my heart went pitter patter in my chest. I nodded hello like he was standing in front of me, afraid that I’d give it all away by the sound of my voice. He asked me if I could talk and I muttered something that sounded like yeah. The phone cord stretched all the way across the kitchen so I went back to washing the dishes. Wasn’t long before I ran outta dishes. Clara just stood there, watching me with that curious look she had. “I gotta go.”
He wanted me to meet him for lunch. Said he couldn’t stop thinking about me, he wanted to see me, talk to me. But I couldn’t do that. What would folks say? No good was gonna come outta meeting up with some man. He asked me again and I ain’t say nothing. But he gave me his number anyway and I scribbled it on a piece of paper and hung up the phone.
“Mama.” I damn near jumped outta my skin. Jackie stood at the table with both hands on her baby hips. “Next time you go out I’m going with you. Okay?”
I agreed. And two days later I told Aunt Clara I was taking Jackie and Nat out to lunch and to the park. Nat was still too little to get much use of slides and sandboxes but she liked the outside air alright. We went to the food counter at Woolworth’s. Jackie loved it. She wanted a big milkshake and a plate full of fries. I ordered both for her just to see if she’d actually finish it. She sat up like a big girl and did me proud. All the ladies said how ladylike she was. I couldn’t take the credit. I’d tried to tell her that her dress shoes shouldn’t be worn to the park but she was so hard-headed. She wore them around the house same as I wore slippers. I even caught her wearing them to bed once or twice.
After lunch, we walked the few blocks to the park. I saw him before he saw me. I stopped dead in my tracks. What was I doing? Using my kids as chaperones? If Ricky ever found out …
“Belinda!”
Too late to back out. He wore a tan corduroy suit that barely fit him. He took my hand and laid a quick kiss on my cheek before checking out our chaperones.
“Don’t kiss my mama. She my mama.”
“Well, I’m a friend of your mama’s. Nice to meet you, little lady.” Jackie shook his hand like she’d done it a million times before. “You can call me Heziah. Can you say that?”
“Yeah.”
But she ain’t try. Her mouth twisted to one side like she was thinking real hard on it. The laughter from the other kids drew her eye and off she went. We sat on a nearby bench, me and Heziah. I kept an eye on Jackie and a foot on the stroller, rocking Nat until I was sure she was asleep.
“She’s cute. They both are.”
“Thanks.”
“I got kids.” He gave it up like it was common knowledge and stretched one arm along the bench behind me. “They live with their mama in Cleveland. I don’t get to see them much anymore.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say to that.
“A boy and a girl. Hazel and Louis, both teenagers. Folks say they look like me but I’m not sure I see it. Besides being lanky as all get-out, I mean. They definitely got that from me! They...um...well they’re good kids. Smart. Good to people. What else can you ask for? Right?”
“I guess.”
Heziah tugged lightly at the ends of my hair. It tickled a bit so I was squirming around trying to get out of it. That was real funny to him. “Why you always wiggling around like a worm on a hook? If you want me to stop, just say ‘Heziah stop that.’ And I’ll stop. See.” He showed me both his hands so I would know it wasn’t a trick. “Speak up, Belinda. How are people gonna know you’re there if you don’t speak up.”
“MAMA, WATCH ME!”
A giggling Jackie ran up the steps and flew down the slide. She made it to the bottom then surprise flooded her face when nobody was there to congratulate her. She ran to the edge, to the border of all the woodchips, and just looked at us. My baby that saw everything looked at me talking to this man and a chill ran down my arms.
“MAMA!”
“I see you! Go on back and play now!”
He just sorta chuckled at me and smiled at her. A real friendly sorta man, this Heziah was. Jackie waved and he waved back—proof that all this was a bad idea.
“What you want with me? I ain’t some, some...I ain’t one of them girls that’s gonna...”
“Whoa. Belinda, did I do something wrong?”
“Just say it. What you want me for? Say it.”
Heziah’s forehead wrinkled up and I saw a flash of hardness settle in his eyes. I started to relax. I knew hardness. Hardness I could handle. But then I blinked and it all went away. He was looking at me like I was some dirty puppy trying my best to get up out of an old cardboard box. I wasn’t. I was a grown woman and I ain’t need nobody’s pity. “Stop looking at me like that.”
“Belinda—”
“Stop.”
“Alright. You want the truth? Yeah, I’m attracted to you. And I had a good time dancing and talking with you. Doesn’t mean I have any designs on you or anything. We can be friends...if you want.”
“Friends?”
“That so hard to believe?”
“Uhh...yeah.” I shook my head up and down, suddenly more gutsy than I’d ever been with any man. “You wanna be friends with me? Don’t no man wanna be friends with a woman. What for?”
“If you don’t believe that then why did you come?”
“This was your idea.”
“But you came. I didn’t make you come here, Belinda.”
A gust of wind blew across the playground, taking his words up against me. Blowing through my hair and all over my stockings. His words started to sound like the truth. Jackie’d run off to play with some of the other kids but I wished she hadn’t. Wished she’d stayed put to keep an eye on her mama. Make sure I ain’t do something stupid.
“Belinda?”
“Guess I was looking for something.”
LANKY WAS THE PERFECT word for Heziah. And those rock hard eyes had me but I ain’t know it then. I just saw this man that wasn’t nothing like what I was used to and he proved me right every time I saw him—once, sometimes twice a week, for about two years. He introduced me and my girls to art and animals and books and all sorts of stuff. The girls must have thought something but they never let on. Never was nothing but nice to him. And he’d buy them ice creams and treat them real good. Make them cry from laughing so hard. He had a way of teaching without making you feel dumb. He would always talk in riddles or what he called metaphors and stuff. That’s where I learned it. His voice’d go up like it was soaring above a mountain or something then glide back down. I asked him where he got all that from. He said books. From then on he always had some old dusty book with him to prove it to us. Some had poems in them, others were just stories. He made reading fun, something none of my teachers had ever been able to do. I’d pack us some sandwiches or something that would keep and we’d meet Heziah under this great big old tree in the park near his apartment and flip one musty page after another. It got so that the girls would beg him to read something to them almost every time they saw him. Then we’d part ways and me and the girls would head back home. We never spoke of those afternoons with Heziah. It was a secret. We all knew. Knew that Heziah was what was missing from our lives.
I was tucking the girls in one night when they wanted me to read one of the books Heziah had given them. So we were all crowded in Nikki and Mya’s beds. The younger ones shared the room across the hall. I was nodding off like I usually did when I was reading.
“Mama wake up!”
“What? I’m woke. I’m woke. Where was I?” It’d been a long day, so I began the awful task of getting them to agree to go to sleep. “Ain’t y’all tired yet?”
“No.”
But I thought I heard a few yawns. “We’ll pick it up again tomorrow night.” The book thudded shut and my toes went searching for my slippers. Natalie had already drifted off but the others were determined to win whatever hushed debate they were having. The three of them whispered back and forth then threw a few looks my way. “I’m tired. Come on, Jackie. Say goodnight.” I swayed side to side to be sure to keep Nat asleep. “Come on now.” She was big enough that the only time I needed to carry her was when she was asleep.
“Mama...” Jackie hopped down from the twin-sized bed and took a few steps to meet me at the door.
I should’ve known from the look on her face that whatever it was that was perplexing her was bad. I should’ve just told her to go to bed and not ask me no questions but I didn’t. I said, “What?”
“Can Heziah be our daddy too?”
I couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. I just stared at my chile. The older ones knew better and I knew they must have put Jackie up to it. She was just a baby. A seven-year-old baby, but still a baby. She ain’t know what she was saying.
“Um...”
“You like him, don’t you, Mama?”
Nikki and Mya looked at each other then back at me. “Go to bed. All...All of y’all gone get it in the morning! Now get!”
I ain’t mean it but I suspect they all knew that. I hadn’t seen it coming at all. Was just happy for the happiness they were having with Heziah. I ain’t think it might lead to our lives changing beyond those Saturdays. The girls slipped into each of their beds real easy and I kissed them goodnight and put it all out my head.
Wasn’t any point to even thinking Heziah’s name when Ricky was around. He was like a vacuum that sucked up all things good. A snoring grumbling vacuum. Usually, he’d drift off right after supper but lately he was waiting a spell. Waiting for me to get into bed with him. Waiting...naked because he was determined to get a son outta me. Wasn’t like we talked about it.
I just knew. I’d watched it build up inside of him ever since Jackie was born. He was about ready to bust. Heaving and growling up in my ear, saying all sorts a things but mostly that I was gone give him a boy. A boy that was just like him. It wasn’t gone happen but I let him think it was possible. I had my pills tucked away in my secret place and every month got a whole new set. Wasn’t no need for Ricky to know. Was easier that way. He climbed on to do his thing and when he was done I’d get to sleep, least that was how it usually went.
“Pecan...” Ricky’s sweaty body whispered in my ear. He’d finished about five minutes ago but he was still on top of me.
“Yeah—Ricky, I can’t breathe.”
“How come you ain’t telling me you love me?”
“Ricky...” He was everywhere. Couldn’t roll nowhere, couldn’t sit up without his say so. I was gasping for air but he was blocking it all. “I can’t breathe!” Then as if by magic, I had all the air I could take. And I took it all like a fat greedy little chile.
Ricky was standing over me. His bulging arms crossed over his hard chest and his thing hanging right in front of my face. “You acting different.”
“No, I ain’t.”
“Yes you is. Now I don’t know what it is and I let it go on for long enough but now I want it to stop. You hear me?” I nodded and waited for him to walk around to his side of the bed. But he just stood there, looking down at me. “You love me, Pecan?”
He was watching me so hard I wanted to crawl up in the covers and hide but wasn’t no time. Wasn’t a question that I was supposed to even think about. Was just supposed to answer, so I did. “I’m your wife. Course I do.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded again and brought the sheets up to cover my chest. “You coming back to bed?”
Ricky knelt on the floor and raised one hand to brush my hair up off my face. Don’t know what made him do it. Wasn’t really Ricky’s style. His idea of affection was sweating on top of me. But then I got a clue.
“You still my girl. My sweet little good girl. Ain’t you? Hmm?”
“Yeah.”
He tugged at the sheet, damn near ripping it off the bed. And his eyes got real big, watching me shivering in the night air. “I love you, girl. You know that?”
“Yeah—Ricky, I’m cold.”
“I love you more than I love anybody. You know that, don’t you?” Then he went about tucking me in like I was a chile. Pushed the edge of the sheet in under the mattress, pushed it so far in I was wrapped up in a cocoon. “You hear me, Pecan? You mine. Always been mine, always gonna be mine.” He got in on the other side of me, giving me that hard look and pulling me back against him. “You know what I’d do if you ever left me?” He whispered in my ear.
“I ain’t gonna...why you s-s-saying that?”
“Just feel like it gotta be said. Since you acting all different—”
“But I ain’t. I ain’t acting different.”
His breath got real hot on me, smelling like leftovers as he went about exploring my body. When he wanted to, Ricky could have my body swooning to his drum. He wasn’t clueless, when he ain’t wanna be that is. It started off just as a little pat, then he started stroking it. He closed in on my womanness and gave it a real good squeeze. A chill ran through me and I was dying to blame it on the night.
“You like that, don’t you? Hmm? I know what my girl like. Don’t I?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah. That why you love me ain’t it, Pecan? You ain’t never gonna love nobody else. Just me. Only me.”
Soon as he said it I knew it wasn’t true. None of it was. Love a tricky thing. It don’t just show up where you want it to and you can’t keep it away neither. Love go where it want. It don’t need nobody’s permission, least of all mine.