Thursday, November 07, 1878
I WAS CREEPING DOWN THE STAIRS in the darkened house, trying to be as quiet as possible, knowing that everyone else was still asleep. The banister along the stairwell was glowing with tiny little white lights covered in prickly greenery. Every other pedestal adorned a big, red velvet bow. It was Christmas morning, I could feel it. And I was young, very young.
I stood on the steps and looked down at my attire and ran my fingers over it. It was soft and fuzzy. It was one piece, with the feet attached to the legs. It was bright red with little white snowflakes all over it. I lifted my foot and looked at the bottom of it, a strange white, bumpy fabric. There was a continuous metal clasp that ran down one leg all the way up to my neck. What bizarre sleeping apparel. I shook my head slightly in disbelief and realized, as my pigtails whipped around my face, that I must be really young. Perhaps five, maybe six years old.
I began my descent once again when I was almost knocked the remainder of the way down by someone, a little boy, whom I knew somehow was my little brother.
“Santa came! Santa came!” he sang out as he ran past me.
I giggled out loud at his excitement and raced to catch up with him. I noticed that he was wearing similar sleeping attire to my own, except his was a dark vibrant blue trimmed in red around his collar and cuffs. He had bright primary colored designs of some sort printed all over it. His stubbly, dark blond hair stood up in various directions as he began to climb under the enormous Christmas tree.
His voice echoed through the house. I could hear movement coming from up above as our parents began to awaken. I turned around to the patter of feet on the stairs and saw a young girl come rushing into the room. She was wearing a long, light pink nightgown trimmed with lace and ruffles. Her long blonde hair draped over her shoulders in soft curls, and her feet were covered in what appeared to be ballet slippers. She was petite and graceful, beautiful.
She pranced over and sat down amidst the array of packages beneath the tree. I hesitated a moment, caught up in the vast similarities and numerous differences between this fantasy and my everyday reality. The fireplace mantel was exactly the same, but the accessories and stockings were different. The furniture was dated, yet not ours. Same with the draperies. However, I felt oddly at ease in this environment.
Two adults entered the room calling out a chorus of “Merry Christmas” to the three of us. We all answered in close unison. I studied their faces carefully, realizing they were a somewhat younger version of the two people that I had seen on the Indiana University campus. My eyes quickly shifted back to the little boy who was still crawling around through the gifts. He must be the younger version of the young man who had accompanied us that day. I looked closer at his eyes and he briefly smiled over at me, noticing my gaze. Yes, I was positive he was the same person.
“Ethan, honey. Please climb out of the tree before you break something,” our mother gently told him.
Her face was beautiful and kind. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as the vision started to blur before me. My heart began to beat out of my chest. I could feel the uncontrollable sobs escape from me. I knew the inevitable was coming, and I was powerless to do anything to prevent it.
The morning sunlight broke through the shadows surrounding my bedroom. I was sitting upright in my bed, sweating profusely, screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. My entire body was shaking, while my vision cleared and I could make out the images around me. Seconds later, William came bursting in my room, rushing to my bedside.
“Jocelyn! What’s wrong?” he demanded, grabbing hold of my shoulders.
I reached out for him, trying to stabilize myself. I managed to slow my breathing, holding onto my brother, feeling the safety of his arms about me. I closed my eyes and rested my head upon his shoulder. How did this happen? I wasn’t holding the pocket watch. My hands were empty! I was sure I had denied it when I went to bed the night before.
I peeked over at my night table. There it was, lying silently in its blue velvet. Untouched!
William slowly released me, but still held onto my shoulders. “Jocelyn, are you all right?”
I nodded slowly, trying to make some sense out of what had happened. How was I having visions of this other world without holding the watch?
“What is going on with you?”
I blinked several times trying to bring my focus back to William. “It was just a nightmare. I am sorry I woke you.” My breathing slowly returned to normal.
“You didn’t. I was getting ready to leave for school.”
It was then that I realized he was already dressed for the day.
“You have to tell me what is going on with you. This is the fourth night you have woken up screaming.”
“I know.” I took a deep breath and fell back against my pillows. “I can’t explain it.” I shook my head and looked down at my hands.
“What is frightening you so badly?”
I closed my eyes thinking how wonderful it was going to be once he got back to campus and told Jackson all about this. I knew it was only a matter of time now before Jackson would start grilling me again.
“Jocelyn, please talk to me.”
I opened my eyes and stared at him for a few moments. “It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with, William. Honestly.”
“I do not believe you. If this was a onetime episode, I could dismiss it. But I know you well enough to know that something has been bothering you for the last couple weeks. I know that it is progressively getting more intense.” He eyed me curiously.
“You are hardly ever here. How can you make such a proclamation?” I rolled my eyes and looked back over at the trinket.
“Say what you like, but I know you too well. And I know when something is bothering you.”
“You are going to be late for your first class,” I stated flatly and climbed out of bed. I grabbed my robe off the back of my vanity chair and wrapped it around me. William sat there for a minute just watching me. I knew he was studying my behavior, looking for something out of the ordinary.
“All right.” He stood up and walked over to my door. He turned the knob, but stopped and turned back towards me.
“Jocelyn, if you feel that you cannot confide in me about whatever is going on with you, then you should confide in Jackson. I know he is very worried about you and it would ease his mind if you would talk to him about your nightmares.”
I felt purely exhausted. My body was physically drained from too many restless nights and my mind was so mentally spent that the line between the visions and my reality was becoming rapidly blurred.
I sat down in my vanity chair and slumped over, tears began pouring down my cheeks. “I know. Please, tell him that none of this has anything to do with him.”
William came over slowly and kneeled down in front of me. He placed his hands over mine and squeezed them tenderly. I looked up into his eyes and pleaded. “Please, William. Promise me you will make sure he understands that.”
“I promise,” he answered in a quiet voice. “Please, tell me what is going on. I cannot leave you like this. I will not be able to concentrate on anything at school because you will consume my thoughts.”
“All I want to do is sleep. I feel like I have not slept in weeks,” I weakly complained. “I am so tired. I don’t think I can make it to school today. Can you please explain it to Mother for me?” I leaned over and rested my head upon his shoulder that was still damp from my tears.
“Of course.” William cradled me in his arms and carried me back over to my bed. He lay me down and pulled the covers back over me, tucking me in tightly.
I snuggled back into the pillows and closed my eyes. I felt William’s weight on my bed as he sat down beside me. He gently brushed my hair away from my face and wiped away my tears with a handkerchief. The soft touch of his fingers running constantly through my hair was incredibly soothing. It wasn’t long before I drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep.
It was late afternoon before I opened my eyes again. Olivia was sitting in the rocker beside my bed knitting quietly when I finally aroused in the silent room that was warmed from the roaring fire.
She looked up with a smile. “Feeling better?”
“Yes, much. Thank you. What time is it?” I rubbed the sleep out of my tired eyes.
Casually, Olivia reached over and lifted my birthday gift out of its velvet-lined box.
Instinctively, I reached out and screamed, “No! Don’t touch it!”
But she was already holding the silver pocket watch firmly in her hand. Startled by my sudden outburst, she dropped it to the floor. She gave me a confused look then picked it up again, opening it and glancing at the time.
“It’s almost four-thirty.” Olivia closed the latch and set it lightly back into its box. “What is wrong? Why did you not want me to touch your watch? I was only checking the hour.” Her voice was thick with innocence and confusion.
“I’m sorry.” I rested back against the pillows, utterly confused as she looked at me, still puzzled by my reaction. Why did the watch not inflict a reaction in her like it did me? The question rang through my ears with no explanation that made any sense whatsoever. Not that any of this did.
“Where is William? Did he make it back to school?” I attempted to change the subject.
“Yes. He left shortly after you drifted off. He asked me to sit with you until you woke. He is very concerned about you.” She casually began knitting again.
“I know, but it is unnecessary. I am fine. You really did not have to spend your entire day in here watching me sleep.” I readjusted myself and sat back up.
“I did not mind. It gave me a chance to catch up on my reading and knitting. Besides, it is very peaceful in here away from the racket downstairs.”
“What is going on downstairs?”
“Your mother and Mrs. Chandler are finalizing the menu for Thanksgiving. Apparently, we are going to have a houseful. So far, all of the family is coming except for James and Rachael. I guess they are traveling to her family this year, much to your mother’s dismay,” she smiled coyly.
“Yes, she hates it when we are not all together on the holidays. But she has to understand that Rachael’s family would also like to enjoy time with them.”
“James explained that since they are going to be here for Christmas and the wedding, they really needed to spend Thanksgiving with his wife’s family in St. Louis.” Olivia readjusted the blanket she was knitting before she continued. “I think it is nice that they are trying to balance both families. Not like William and I have to worry about that.” A small scoff escaped her lips, but I knew that fact truly bothered her.
“We are going to have a great holiday season this year. We have so much to be thankful for.”
I wanted to cheer her up, but I knew there was nothing I could say that was ever going to heal the wound that her parents’ actions had created.
“Well, it has not been dull. That is for sure,” she stated flatly.
I knew it was time to change the subject. “I suppose I should get my lazy self out of this bed sometime today.”
I kicked my covers aside. I picked up my robe off the foot of my bed, where William had left it, and tied it around my waist.
“Care to join me downstairs for some dinner?”
“Of course.” She placed her knitting back into her basket and headed downstairs alongside me.
***
Jackson’s parents joined my family for dinner. I could feel their eyes closely studying me throughout the meal. They were like a second set of parents to me and I loved them both dearly, yet somehow this evening their constant glances were making me very uncomfortable. I wondered if Jackson had mentioned my nightmares to them and if he had asked them to check in on me. It was something that I was sure he would do if he was as concerned about my behavior as William claimed he was.
Dinner passed slowly as I dodged questions and made constant reassurances. The act was growing old and tiresome. I wanted them all to just leave me alone. I was all the more confused now with this new revelation that I did not need the pocket watch to trigger an episode. Not to mention the fact that it seemingly had no effect on Olivia. I wasn’t sure what was going on or if indeed I was just losing my mind.
Once we all retired to the front room, Emily came over and joined me on the lounge. I knew something had to be up since it was typically Olivia who sat beside me to hear all the news about our friends and classes from school at the end of every day.
She said nothing for a while, only small talk amongst everyone. Once Robert and my father were absorbed in their talk of some new breakthrough and my mother and Olivia were talking about pregnancies, Emily leaned in closer. “Jackson phoned us this afternoon,” she started out casually.
“How is he?”
“He is greatly concerned about you.” She placed her hands lightly over mine. “He says you are having night terrors that are causing you to wake up screaming.”
“Only a couple of times.” I looked down not wanting to meet her eyes.
“Every night since Sunday from what I hear. William told him that you had a frightening episode this morning. He mentioned he stayed with you until you finally went back to sleep and you did not make it to your classes today.” She patted my hands trying to make me look up at her.
I glanced up briefly into her beautiful motherly face and felt incredibly guilty. “My brother exaggerates. It was really nothing for him to be concerned about. I apologize for him making more of this than necessary. He should not be upsetting Jackson for no reason.”
“What are you seeing?” she leaned in and whispered softly in my ear.
Her choice of words stunned me to my core. Seeing. Not dreaming? How could she know? My body began to quiver unconsciously as I stared blankly at her. She had confirmed that Jackson had something to do with these visions. Now I honestly believed that she was in on it as well. Was Robert also? Do they all know what was happening to me? How could they? I haven’t breathed a word about what I was experiencing.
“They are just bad dreams. Nothing else,” I squeaked out. But I knew from the expression on her face that she did not believe me.
Emily smiled slightly and patted my hands again. “I understand what you are going through, Jocelyn. I honestly do. I can help you with these visions if you will just open up to me and tell me what you are seeing.”
Her soft gentle tone was comforting, but her choice of words cut through me like a hot blade.
Visions? Seeing? Help me with them?
I felt light-headed and numb to my surroundings. I could only imagine the horrified look that must be written plainly across my face. I couldn’t move. There were no words to describe the terror I was feeling in the pit of my stomach. She knows! She knows it all! But how?
“I am sorry. I’m not feeling that well. I think I need to go upstairs. Please, excuse me.” I got up quickly, and Emily followed me over to the stairs, gently grabbing my arm before I could escape.
“Jocelyn, I know that you are frightened, but we can help you understand all of this. You just need to be honest with us about what you are seeing. Please, speak to Jackson about it. Tell him the truth if you cannot tell me.” Her eyes were pleading me with, but my head was spinning and I knew if I didn’t get away from her I was going to faint.
I barely nodded and squeaked out, “Please. Excuse me,” before fleeing up the stairs and hiding behind my bedroom door.
I curled up in a ball under my covers, in my darkened room, determined not to fall asleep. I was terrified to my very soul, unsure of the world that was waiting anxiously for me to arrive. I knew I was losing my mind.
Emily’s words rang through my ears over and over again. I constantly recalled Jackson’s previous words from our day of house hunting and the autumn festival and I was positive they were all connected. What are they doing to me? Why? Nothing made any sense. I knew I could not fall asleep. I had to stay awake and fight the visions of the world I was rapidly becoming so attached to.