Thursday, November 05, 2009
I WOKE UP FEELING GROGGY. Images ran about in my head like a vivid dream that I couldn’t quite shake. I closed my eyes. I could see myself walking down the stairs holding a bouquet of flowers towards Jackson at the bottom. He was standing next to the man I had seen before during the wedding episode I’d had. I realized he must be Patrick, my other father.
I was wearing a heavy, auburn gown with ivory lace. It was so beautiful and elegant. But so heavy. I could actually feel the weight of the multiple layers on my frame and the tightness of the corset underneath.
I took Jackson’s arm and smiled over at Patrick, who smiled back lovingly at me. We walked forward into the front room where Robert was standing in front of the fireplace with the young man whom I recognized as William. William looked incredibly nervous, like he was going to get sick or something. I looked around and noticed an array of faces I’d seen previously along with Emily.
Jackson let go of my arm once we reached Robert and stood on the other side of William and whispered something in his ear. Then I saw Patrick and a young girl I suspected must be Olivia follow us into the room. She had her arm looped through his and looked like she was about to cry. I realized that this must be Olivia and William’s wedding that Jackson had told me about.
I shot out of bed and ran towards the bathroom, barely making it before I got sick. I sat down on the floor and rested my head against the tub. This confirmation of EVE destroyed any notion that Jackson and his family were playing some kind of sick joke on me. Tears of frustration released the tension that was building up in my chest.
I had to wait all day, and even through try-outs, before I could get Jackson alone to tell him about what had happened. By lunch I felt like I was ready to explode and blurt it out. I hated all this sneaking around and not being able to confide in Jenna. I did my best to remain cheerful and casual during lunch, and in-between classes, but I knew she could tell something was bothering me.
We pulled into Jackson’s driveway shortly before six o’clock. Each of us was worn out from try-outs and in desperate need of a shower. I told Ethan to take a quick one and smirked at him about not using up all the hot water. It was a good excuse to get rid of him quickly so I could have a moment alone with Jackson.
We waited in his car until Ethan was safely across the street and heading into the house before he turned towards me with a look of deep concern on his face.
“Jocelyn, what is wrong? You have been acting funny all day.”
He placed his hand over mine across the console trying to reassure me. Today, I really needed it. I was beyond freaking out at this point.
“I woke up this morning feeling really strange, like I was stuffed in a fog or something.” I went on to recount the images I recalled and the faces I’d seen. All of which were still clearly etched in my memory, as if they had just taken place moments earlier.
Jackson sat there silently and listened to me ramble on without interrupting. His face was expressionless. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking to save my life and it scared me. Normally I could read him fairly well, but this was terrifying.
When I had completed my tale, he remained expressionless for a moment. Slowly, a smile slide across his shapely lips. “You are remembering things that just happened recently.”
“What does that mean?”
“The barrier is coming down, or at least holes are developing in it, where you are starting to recall events that recently occurred in your life there. This is a good thing, Jocelyn. Their wedding was only a little over a week ago and you remember it perfectly.” His voice was calm and soothing.
“Am I going to wake up with these memories every day?” My eyes pleaded for him to just lie to me.
“Probably. I would say yes. But this is a good thing, sweetheart. A very good sign that your mind is accepting and even embracing the events.”
“It’s terrifying. I feel like I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.”
“You are my Jocelyn.” He leaned over and kissed me softly.
“How are we going to do this?”
“Do what?”
“Our upcoming wedding…our marriage…there and here? How are we going to be together as husband and wife? Share a life together? Live with one another there, and here we have to act like just boyfriend and girlfriend—dating? I don’t want to do that.”
“I know. I am not too happy about it myself, but what else can we do?” he shrugged.
I looked down at his hands on mine. “I don’t know,” I replied in a low voice.
“We could get married here too.”
I looked up at him surprised by his words. His eyebrows were slightly raised and a smirk crossed his lips. I choked on what should have been a laugh. “Yeah, my parents would be so happy about that one.”
Jackson suddenly got excited. “Of course. We should get married here!”
“Hello? College?” I rolled my eyes at him.
“No, seriously. Think about it, Jocelyn. We could get married next summer and both go to school in Boston. I delayed my law school entrance a year citing family emergency so I am already enrolled for next fall. You could apply as an undergrad and we could live together in campus housing. It is perfect.”
I sat there staring at him completely dumbfounded. “My God, you’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Yes! Why not?”
“I’m eighteen!”
“So?”
“So?” Wasn’t it obvious?
Jackson laughed and jumped out of the CRV. “Come on!” he shouted excitedly, slamming the door and running towards his house.
I sat there for a moment before reluctantly opening my door and sliding out of the seat. He’s lost his mind. Yet I followed him up the walkway.
Jackson stood waiting impatiently in the front doorway. “Hurry up.” He looked ready to explode with excitement, as if all of his problems had been instantly solved.
We entered the kitchen to find both his parents cooking dinner together. The aroma was intoxicating. The two of them happily greeted us and Emily promptly invited me to stay for dinner.
“Yes. I’d love to. But I’m afraid I need to run home and shower first, if there’s time.” I felt so incredibly gross and sticky from sweating so much during try-outs. I couldn’t believe I was even standing here in their sterile kitchen in my present state.
“Mom, Dad, Jocelyn and I were just talking and I think I may have a solution to this whole marriage thing.” Jackson’s voice was giddy with excitement.
“I’ll let you explain while I go shower. I’ll be back shortly.” I slipped out before anyone could intercede.
***
The hot water was refreshing as it rained down on me. My mind was whirling in a thousand different directions. Can he really be serious? Get married this summer? That would certainly cause my dad to stroke out and I couldn’t even fathom what my mom would have to say. Both my parents were so intent on college and grad school I couldn’t imagine either of them even considering paying for my education if I pulled a stunt like this.
Twenty minutes later I was running back across the street. Emily was putting dinner on the table when I arrived and Robert was fixing the drinks. Jackson came downstairs a moment later with his hair still wet from his shower. He laughed at my wet hair that I had just brushed back out of my face and ran his fingers lightly through it before taking his seat.
“How have you been, Jocelyn?” Robert asked, passing me a basket full of dinner rolls.
“I’m gettin there,” I smiled.
“Jackson explained about your vision this morning,” Robert began. “How do you feel about it?”
“Strange. It was really weird being able to not only see it, but feel it as well.” I looked down at the roll and quickly began buttering it.
“Did you like the dress you were wearing?”
I looked up at Emily surprised. What an odd thing to ask. “Yes. It was beautiful. I loved it. But it was very heavy. I could even feel the tightness of the corset.”
“I made you that dress for your birthday this year.” Emily smiled happily across the table.
“Wow. You did a gorgeous job.” I shook my head amazed. “But then again, you did an amazing job on the costumes you made for the party. You are incredibly talented.”
“Thank you. I thought the color would go so well with your hair and eyes. And it truly did. You look so lovely in it.”
“Thank you.”
“Okay. Enough about the clothes,” Robert laughed. “Jocelyn, our son also explained to us the idea he had about school next fall.” He continued cutting his chicken. “How do you feel about that?”
“My parents would kill me,” I stated flatly.
The three of them laughed casually as if that fact was no big deal at all.
“I am sure they would be surprised. But if you were still going to college and grad school, then how could they object?” Emily asked.
“Because I’m eighteen.”
“True, but if we explain to them how much we love each other.”
I halfheartedly laughed at Jackson’s ignorance of my parents and their views on their children’s education. “Jackson, to them, we’ve only known each other for a couple weeks. How can I possibly explain to them that I’m going to marry you?”
“Make them understand. You can do that,” he pleaded.
“I seriously doubt it. Perhaps if we decide to do this, we can wait until late spring to make the announcement.”
It felt so strange having this conversation in front of Robert and Emily. I felt this was something that Jackson and I should discuss privately.
“These things take time to plan, Jocelyn. Especially if you want to have a big wedding,” Emily chimed in.
“I honestly haven’t given it much thought.” I shrugged while all of them looked from one to another like they were shocked by my words. “What?” I asked confused.
“I guess there are a few things about your personality that are different between the two places,” Robert stated. “We just need to get used to them is all. Like you, we have some adjusting to do as well. You have to remember that we think of and know you in a certain way, and here, well, you are somewhat different.”
I thought about that for a moment. True, I was sure that there had to be some differences in my personality between the two places. As Jackson had pointed out, I was raised by two separate sets of parents with extremely different views in vastly different time periods. There had to be influences on me that would change my behaviors and personality.
“We are just a little surprised. You see, you made a huge production out of your wedding this Christmas. Plus, you have repeatedly stated that you have been dreaming of how you wanted your wedding to be since you were a little girl. So we just assumed that the same would be true here as well,” Emily politely explained.
“I guess here, I’ve always dreamed of going to college and grad school. I’ve never really given much thought to my wedding or anything like that. I figured it was years away.”
“That is understandable, especially considering both your parents have advanced degrees. It is only natural that they emphasized the same for their children.”
Robert nodded, but Emily still looked at me like there was something wrong with me. “Have you thought about it lately?” she inquired, looking hopeful.
“In the last hour you mean?”
Jackson and Robert both laughed, but Emily still looked concerned.
“No, dear. I mean since you found out that you and Jackson were getting married this Christmas. I am rather surprised you have not asked us any details about your wedding.” She seemed almost offended.
“I’m sorry. I guess I was still trying to accept the fact that I am getting married. Not so much about the details of it,” I explained.
Doesn’t she get the fact that here I’ve only known her son a few weeks and it is a bit of a shock to discover that I am marrying this man?
“Of course. I apologize. I suppose I had not thought of it that way. We are just so used to knowing you all your life that seeing you here we do not really think of the differences and the shock you must be experiencing.” Emily gave me a motherly smile.
We all ate silently not being sure what to say to one another. I still was trying to grasp the idea of getting married next summer and how in the world I would even attempt to explain it to my family when Jackson broke the silence and my train of thought.
“What kind of wedding would you like to have?” he asked, looking at me over his broccoli.
“What do you want?” Okay, two could play this game.
“I would like a medium sized, outdoors wedding. Something where all our friends can stand up with us.”
Damn, he is good. I have to give him that.
“All right,” I answered casually. “Who would you have in it?”
I could see Emily out of the corner of my eye looking a little too happy about the turn in the conversation.
“I would ask my brother Alex to be my best man, then have Ethan, Kyle, Zak and probably Cody as well.” How has he figured this out so quickly?
“I guess I would have Jenna, obviously. Plus, Sidney, Caitlyn and Hilary.”
“Wonderful. And Lucinda and Charlie can serve as the ring-bearer and flower girl,” Emily added.
“Who?” I asked.
“My brother’s children,” Jackson explained.
“Oh, I see. And they still live in Boston, right?” He nodded.
Emily started in discussing color schemes and flowers. I stared down at my plate and moved the food around. This whole idea was so beyond absurd and did not merit a discussion because I knew all hell was going to break loose when my parents caught wind of it whether it was next week or later next spring. Besides, what Jackson and his parents were failing to understand was that it wasn’t just my parents’ dream. It was one that I deeply shared with them.
***
Jackson and I curled up together with a blanket on the couch to watch the new episode of Grey’s Anatomy. The fireplace was blazing and I could feel the heat melting away my resistance to the prospect of getting married this summer. I loved the way his arms felt wrapped around me. How safe and secure I felt with him beside me. I couldn’t imagine living only part-time with him and I knew that once I had full awareness there was no way I was going to be happy with a part-time situation. I loved this man with every fiber of my being and there would never be another who could ever come close to reaching my heart that he now owned.
I shifted enough to see his beautiful profile. I don’t believe I could ever tire of gazing upon his face. I slowly traced the fullness of his lips with the tip of my finger causing a gentle smile to spread across them showing me his childish dimples.
“Are you serious about getting married this summer?” I whispered.
“Yes.” His eyes softly caressed my face.
“I didn’t expect the reception I got from your parents when I got here.” I tried to keep my voice low. I knew his parents were in the other room.
“Would you be happy only being together on a part-time basis?”
I shook my head.
“Then can you see any other way of us being happy?”
“No. I’m just scared.”
“Of?”
“Of getting married so young in this day and age. But honestly, I’m more scared of living without you.” I took a deep breath still gazing intently at him. “I don’t know how to explain it, but I know I’m supposed to spend my life with you. I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone.”
He leaned down and kissed me passionately causing the fire within me to reignite instantly. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. His taste, his smile, his body. All were like an addiction to me and I was thrilled to be intoxicated by him.
He pulled away reluctantly, “You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that, Jocelyn.” His breath was heavy on my neck. “I love you so much. There simply are not enough words for me to express the full depth of my feelings for you.”
I completely melted under his words. I moved my lips to meet his once again and allowed myself to be enveloped fully within him. He reluctantly pulled away from me and attempted to recompose himself.
“You are making this extremely difficult for me. You realize that?” He smiled brightly.
I let out a little laugh, thoroughly enjoying his torment only because I was elated that I wasn’t alone in my anguish.
“Are we going to wait until we are married here or there?” I inquired with a smart-assed grin.
“I do not believe I have the willpower to wait until next summer,” he laughed.
“But you haven’t even proposed to me yet,” I pouted.
“My goodness woman! How many proposals do you need? I thought you recalled the last one in the gazebo.” His smile stretched firmly.
“I do and it was so beautiful and romantic. It was perfect, but I am afraid that I can’t recall that story for my friends and family,” I complained.
“True.” He looked lost in his own thoughts. “But I thought we were not going to tell anyone yet.”
“We aren’t.”
“Good. Then I have the time to plan a proper proposal.” Jackson kissed me softly on the lips and pulled back before things could get reheated again between us.
“I hate to say it, but I think it’s time for me to head home before my dad comes looking for me.” I knew it wouldn’t be long before my dad either called or sent Ethan to drag me home.
“Soon we will not have to worry about curfews or parents. It will just be the two of us forever,” said Jackson. I loved the sound of that.
I started to get off the couch, but he pulled me back down across his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Not so fast. Who said I was willing to let you go?” He laughed and playfully kissed me on the cheek.
“You know I don’t want to, but I need to before my parents send a search party out for me.”
“Let them.”
“Jackson, I haven’t even done my calculus homework yet,” I complained.
I hated that class and I knew it was going to take me over an hour to get the assignment done. I was going to have to reread the chapter we were covering because I didn’t fully understand the whole concept of differential equations.
“Why didn’t you mention it earlier, I could help you with it. I am very good at calculus.” He squeezed me a little tighter.
“Well, I kind of got side-tracked by all this marriage stuff next summer.” That was a pure understatement. Ever since we climbed out of his CRV a few hours earlier, I had thought of nothing else.
“If you have any questions you can call me,” he offered.
“Don’t say that cause I’ll have you on the phone half the night working on this crap,” I grinned, knowing I had to get started or I would be up late.
“I don’t mind at all, my love. If I did, I would not have offered.”
I kissed him quickly on the cheek and stood up. This time he allowed me to.
“Keep your cell phone on cause I just might call,” I said, standing over him.
He got up and we walked over to the front door.
“Tell your parents goodnight for me and thank them for dinner please.” I stalled my departure.
“I will.” Jackson took me in his arms and held me close.
“I’ll call you before I go to bed if it’s not too late.”
“Call anyway. No matter how late.”
“All right.” I tried to think of something else to bide me more time with him.
“I love you, Jocelyn,” he whispered quietly in my ear.
“I love you too.” I rested my head upon his chest. I held him tightly in my arms and closed my eyes listening to the sound of his strong heartbeat.
Reluctantly, I opened the front door and headed off towards my house. I hated saying good-bye to him even though I knew I would see him first thing in the morning. The hours between now and then felt like an eternity.