Saturday, November 14, 2009
I RODE HOME FROM PRACTICE with Jenna, Ethan, and Jackson. I leaned against Jackson in the backseat listening to the other three rambling on about practice and our upcoming opening games. I was barely listening to their conversation as the short drive put me closer to our dreaded home. I had successfully avoided being alone with my parents for almost a week, ever since my tantrum. Luckily, my mother had not addressed the subject of Jackson or BU with me again and thankfully, my dad hadn’t mentioned anything either.
But I knew that my mother was not on-call this weekend either so she would be hanging around the house. I was positive my dad had heard everything by now and I was certain that I was headed for an ambush.
We pulled into Jenna’s driveway where Kyle was waiting for her. He opened the door even before she had the chance to put her car in park.
“Hello, beautiful. How was practice?” he greeted her.
“Long. As always.” He pulled her up into his arms and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Kyle, stop.” She pulled away from him. “I’m all hot and sweaty and dying to take a shower.”
“Cool. I’ll join you,” he teased.
“Yeah, right. No problem. Of course my parents won’t mind that.” Jenna couldn’t stop from smiling. She turned back to the three of us. “I’ll catch up with you all later. Give me a call this afternoon.” She turned with Kyle and headed up her drive.
“Sure.” I waved as the rest of us headed over towards my house.
Jackson and I paused on the walkway. He pulled me close in his arms while I struggled to free myself. “Jackson, don’t. I’m all nasty!”
“I do not care,” he smiled and kissed me passionately.
I relented, pulling his body closer to mine. I could taste the sweet salty sweat from his practice on his luscious lips and it only made me want him more. I twisted my fingers through the back of his hair crushing his mouth onto mine. I could never get enough of him. I wanted him so badly my body physically ached for him.
“Come over after you shower. I have a big surprise for you,” he gave me a devilish grin.
“What are you up to?”
“You will see. Just hurry.”
“You realize I hate it when you do this.”
“I know,” he leaned over and quickly kissed me on the cheek. “See you soon.” And before I could reply, he sprinted across the street and disappeared into his house.
“Great,” I muttered to myself, walking up to the porch where Ethan stood waiting for me.
“So what’s going on with you two?” he asked opening the front door.
“I don’t know. He’s up to something,” I shrugged, following him into the house. “He said he has a surprise for me.”
“Good luck with that,” he laughed. Ethan knew how much I hated surprises. “I’m going to get something to eat before I shower so if you’re going take one, make it quick and don’t use up all the hot water.”
“Sure. No problem,” I hollered, already heading up the stairs.
***
I was sitting at my vanity table blow-drying my hair when someone knocked on my door.
“Jocelyn? You decent?” my dad hollered.
A chill of panic rushed down my spine. I placed the brush back on the table and turned towards the door. “Sure. Come in.”
My door slowly opened. He hardly ever visited my room unless he really had to, which meant that Mom had sent him. He crossed over and took a seat on the edge of my bed. He looked even more uncomfortable than I felt.
“I understand that you had an intense conversation with your mother last weekend.” He fidgeted with his hands, glancing slightly over at me. I only nodded, hoping it was a safe response since I didn’t trust my voice.
“She also told me you applied to BU next fall.”
Again, I only nodded.
“Do you really think that is such a good idea?”
“Yes,” I squeaked.
“I know you really like Jackson. I understand that. It’s just that….well, Jocelyn. You’re so young,” he mumbled.
“I’m eighteen, Daddy. I know you both think I’m too young to know what love is, but I’m not. I honestly love him and BU is a great school. I don’t understand why it would be so terrible for me to go there with him next fall.”
“You’re right, BU is a great school and you would get an excellent education there. That’s not what concerns us.” He was still looking more at the floor than me.
“I’m not stupid, Daddy. I’m not going to get pregnant and drop out of school. I promise. That is not why I want to be with him,” I tried to explain.
“Most pregnancies are not planned, honey. You know that,” he shook his head. “I don’t want to see something like that happen to you.”
I got up and walked over to my bed and sat down beside him. “Daddy, whether or not we go to the same school, we’re still going to be together. But I can tell you that I would be much happier if we were together.” I took a deep breath trying to believe that I was actually saying this to my dad of all people. “Daddy…” I placed my hands over his. “Jackson is not pressuring me to have sex. He respects me too much to do that. He loves me and doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. I promise, Daddy. I’m still a virgin.” I could feel the blood rushing to my face.
I glanced up at my dad, whose face had blushed every bit as red as my own. “I’m—I’m glad to hear that. But the more time you spend with him and the longer you two are together, the less likely you are to retain that status.”
Wow, his bluntness caught me off guard. “I agree. But that is also my decision and it has nothing to do with where I attend college. I believe we both know that.”
“Yes.”
“Then Daddy, you have to trust me. My decision to be with Jackson is not going to change. Neither are my feelings for him.” I looked at him, pleading for understanding.
“Did he ask you to marry him?”
I looked into his mournful eyes that were so like my own and nodded slowly.
“And you said yes.”
I nodded once more afraid to speak.
He looked down at his hands briefly and exhaled deeply. “And when were you planning on telling us about this?”
“Spring Break,” I answered in a low voice feeling horrible about my betrayal.
“And the wedding?” He looked up at me with tears in his own eyes. “Before next fall I’d imagine.”
“Yes.”
My dad wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. “Well then, I guess I’d better go have a long talk with this young man.”
He let go of me and stood up.
“What? Daddy! No!”
But he was already out the door and down the stairs.
I rushed over to the window and saw my dad crossing the street towards Jackson’s house. There wasn’t even time for me to call and forewarn him. I pulled the curtain back and sat down pressing my forehead against the cool window. I hated to think of what he was actually going to say to Jackson, let alone his parents.
Ethan strolled into my room silently and snuck up behind me. “Hey what’s going on? I heard the front door slam. Where’s Dad going in such a rush?”
“Damn, Ethan.” I nearly jumped out of my skin, “Dad’s going over to Jackson’s.”
He took a seat on the other end of my bay window and glanced outside. “So? What’s the big deal about that? He’s probably just going to talk to Robert about something.”
I looked over at him unable to hide my own tears. “No. He’s going over there to talk with Jackson.”
Ethan gave me a confused look. Then his eyes grew bigger and bigger. “Oh my God! You’re pregnant! Damn…Dad’s gonna kill him!”
I reached over and slapped his arm. “No, stupid. I’m not pregnant.”
“Then what?”
“I told him that I plan to go to BU next fall with Jackson.”
“So?” he shrugged slightly.
“And…” I hesitated not wanting him to also explode on me. “I told him that Jackson proposed to me and I said yes.”
“No shit! Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.”
He took a deep breath and looked back out the window across the street. The Chandler household remained silent with my father tucked neatly inside saying God only knows what to Jackson and his parents.
“I wonder what’s going on over there,” I muttered in a soft voice.
“I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough,” he chuckled.
“Yeah, I know.” I couldn’t tear my eyes off the house across the way.
Ethan looked over at me crinkling his eyebrows. “Are you sure about this?”
I gave him a scornful look in return.
“I’m being serious. Aren’t you a little too young to even be thinking about marriage? What about college and grad school?”
“I’m still going to college and grad school. And yes, I am positive about this.” I knew he wasn’t going to take this well either.
“But you’ve only known him…”
I immediately cut him off getting irritated with always hearing the same excuses. “A few weeks. Yes, I am aware of how long I have known Jackson Chandler.” I took a deep breath and leaned my head back against the window. “I can’t explain it, but I know he’s the one I’m destined to be with.”
Ethan stared at me for several moments trying to decide what to say. I could tell from the look on his face that he was struggling to find the right words. “Trust me on this E. Jackson is everything, and I promise you, I love him with all that I am.”
“When are you planning on getting married?” his voice dropped an octave.
“July.”
“That soon? What did Mom say?” He had his all-knowing smirk across his face.
“That if I decide to do this then I’m on my own to pay for my education.” I rolled my eyes and couldn’t help but laugh.
Ethan laughed too. “Sounds like her.”
“I know, doesn’t it? And I believe her too.”
“No, I don’t think Dad would jeopardize your education as a punishment. So she’s probably going to kick and scream about this for a while and then accept it. You know how she is.”
“Yeah, I hope you’re right.” I wished I was as optimistic as he was.
We both fell into an uncomfortable silence with our eyes locked on the house across the street. There was no movement from within and I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. Occasionally, Ethan would lean over and touch my hand in reassurance, but he never uttered another word.
Two hours passed before my father emerged from the gray shadows. He appeared years older as he slowly crossed back towards our home. A part of me wanted to call Jackson, but the other wanted to interrogate my dad first. Either way, I was terrified of what one had to say about the other. I was frozen in my place unable to react. Ethan’s eyes were locked on me curious to see what I was going to do next. So was I.
I couldn’t breathe when I heard the front door open and shut and then footsteps on the stairs. Within moments, there he stood, in my doorway looking worn out from the encounter.
“Ethan. Out.” Dad’s voice was soft which scared me even more. It was always better when he screamed. At least then I knew that he was getting it off his chest. When he was calm, that was when I truly needed to be scared.
My brother scrambled to his feet and left quickly without saying a word. He didn’t even bother to glance back at me before he rushed out closing my door behind him.
My dad took a seat on the corner of my bed facing me. I shifted towards him, but couldn’t find a way to break the silence between us. Several minutes of awkward silence passed before he finally opened his mouth.
“Well, I had a long talk with Jackson and his parents.”
I said nothing, but stared at the floor only looking at him uncomfortably when he spoke.
“And I can tell you that you have a very mature young man with a good head on his shoulders who seems to be very much in love with you.”
I only nodded.
“And it seems that there is no way of changing his mind about getting married to you next summer, either,” he shifted with tense emotion. “Jackson has also reassured me that he respects you enough not to pressure you about your intimate relationship before you are married. He promised me that you would finish college and grad school and I can tell you I’m going to hold him to that.” His voice got a little harsher, but remained low.
My dad took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before continuing, “So I guess we are planning a wedding then.” He looked over at me and smiled weakly.
I jumped up and rushed into his arms as a flood of relief fell over me. “Oh, thank you, Daddy. Thank you!” I kissed him repeatedly on the cheek.
“All right. All right. Calm down. We still have to deal with your mother and that’s not going to be easy,” he laughed lightly.
I straightened up and tried to compose myself. “Your support means the world to me Daddy, you know that right?”
“Yes, I do. And I want you to know that I’d rather be supportive of you in this and gain a great son, and he really is great, Jocelyn, than risk alienating you and ruining our relationship. I love you, sweetheart. And don’t worry about your school money. You will still be able to use the trust we set up for you,” he smiled lovingly with tears in his eyes. “It’s just going to be very difficult for me to let you go.”
“Don’t worry about that, Daddy. You’ll never have to do that.” I leaned over and gave him a reassuring hug. “Thank you so much, Daddy. Oh God, I need to go see Jackson.”
I jumped back off the bed. “I’ll be home later.”
“What about your mother? We still need to talk to her,” he hollered as I headed for my door.
I paused, turning around to face him with a smirk. “You talk to her. You can calm her down before I get back.”
“Great,” I heard him mutter as I smiled and ran out the door.
***
Jackson was waiting for me when I arrived hours behind our earlier intended schedule. He opened the door before I even reached his porch.
“It is about time,” he greeted me. “What happened? Your father caught me completely off guard.”
I leaned on the doorframe feeling completely foolish. “I’m sorry. My mom and I had an argument last weekend about our relationship and us going to the same university. She kept pushing all the right buttons and I blew it. I acted like a two year old and told her fine, I’m an adult and I could marry you if I wanted to and there was nothing she could do about it.”
Jackson busted out laughing, “Wow. I am glad I missed that one.”
“Yeah, me too. I didn’t come across very well. I’m sorry about my dad. I’m surprised he waited this long to confront me about my tantrum. He was probably trying to figure out how to handle it before he blew up also.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him to me kissing him lightly on his full lips.
“Oh, sorry.” Emily paused midway down the stairs. “I thought maybe Amy was coming over to yell at me next.”
“Sorry about my dad.”
“Do not worry. He was very polite and gracious. Just being a concerned father. I would be the same way if Phoebe was in your place.” Robert walked into the foyer. Emily walked down and joined her husband putting her arm around him. “No, darling. Shane handled things calmly and rationally. You would have not been nearly as gracious in this situation. And if I recall, even though Phoebe was quite older, you still did not take the news well,” she patted him lovingly on his chest.
“No man likes giving up his little girl. It is hard,” he pouted, and I couldn’t keep from giggling.
I was so happy that my dad had not come over here and made a complete ass of his self.
“Come on in. I have some incredible news to share with you.” Jackson pulled me into the living room.
I joined him on the couch while Emily brought us in some hot chocolate before she and Robert disappeared into another part of the house. Jackson was beside himself with excitement.
“Guess what happened last night, or rather 1878!”
“What?”
“You finally found out about EVE.”
“Are you serious?” I couldn’t believe it. Was all this barrier crap over with, finally?
“Very much so.”
“And? How did it go?” I wondered if I’d handled it any better there than I did here.
“Not great. Worse than here, but you are dealing,” he grimaced.
We snuggled up on the sofa and he gave me a detailed account of all the excitement. I was embarrassed by my behavior and reactions even though I had no control over any of it. The more he described the events, the worse I sounded and felt. I was thrilled that at least I was aware of everything now in both my lives, but for some strange reason I didn’t feel any different.
“So how come I don’t feel any different? I mean, if I am now aware of both worlds, in both worlds, shouldn’t I be completely conscious of both lives now?” I rested my head on his shoulder with my arm across his chest.
“It will probably still take a little time for everything to set in for you to become fully aware of both existences,” he shrugged casually.
“I wish it would speed up. I’m so sick and tired of asking you everyday what happened in my other life and all the strange memories. They’re almost annoying because they tell me so little,” I complained. “And here I thought this day couldn’t get any worse.”
“This is great news, Jocelyn. Now it is only a matter of time before the barrier is completely gone. You should be happy.” He kissed me lightly on the forehead.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just figured that knowing would somehow magically change everything and that suddenly the barrier in my consciousness would disappear.”
“It will. You need to give it a little more time. Soon it will seem normal to you to exist on two separate planes and we will be laughing at the comparisons between the two worlds.” Jackson gave me a gentle squeeze of reassurance.
“It’s so hard to imagine,” I said more to myself than him, staring off into space. “I mean, the two worlds are so drastically different. Everything about them couldn’t be further apart and the more research I do on the time period, the harder it is for me to imagine actually living there.”
“I know, but you will get used to it.”
“It’s so strange to think of myself living in a time when there’s no electricity, no cars, no refrigerators, microwaves, computers, cell phones. All the stuff that I take for granted everyday and think nothing of.”
“It definitely gives you a new perspective on life,” he laughed. “That’s for sure. I remember once when I slipped up and made a remark to my brother about antibiotics in front of your father Patrick when Olivia’s little brother was fighting pneumonia, and he almost clobbered me. Penicillin was not discovered by Alexander Fleming until 1928, and even then, it took years of studying to figure out how it worked and wasn’t available in quantity until 1944, just in time to treat the Allied soldiers wounded on D-Day. My brother ripped me a new one when we got home and so did my father. Luckily, your father never said anything further about it, but it could have caused a lot of problems. We always have to be very careful of what we say when others are around.”
“It’s not going to be easy. Is it?” I stared into his deep green eyes.
“Not at first, but you will get used to it. Hopefully, the barrier will not be completely gone by the time we get married at Christmas. That way, you will be protected around your family and it will give you some time to adjust without risking exposure,” he grinned slightly.
“I keep trying to wrap my brain around all this. It’s so hard to make sense of it. Having two totally different lives, it sounds exhausting.”
“It can be. You should try going to college in both existences at the same time. It is hell! All I ever did was study,” he shook his head with his adorable lop-sided grin across his face. “It makes high school seem like a breeze now.”
“How am I supposed to switch from being who I am here and what I am accustomed to currently, to a place where women are subservient and have no rights at all? I’m not sure I can do that. I am way too outspoken to sit by and not be able to offer an opinion on anything that happens. That’s going to be impossible for me.” I knew my big mouth was going to get me into a world of trouble there. It was only a matter of time.
“Trust me. It will not be as bad as you believe. You have to remember that once the barrier is gone, not only will your personality here shine through there, but who you are there will merge into your personality here. You will become an even mixture of both with full memories and the cultures of each world. It will not be nearly as difficult as you imagine.”
I sighed deeply, resting my body against his. A silence fell between us as we both became lost to our own thoughts. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat, feeling the warmth of his body flowing into mine. My mind recalled all the various episodes of my life in there that I witnessed trying to put them all into chronological order and perspective. From all that I had seen, I did have a good life and was very happy. My family really loved me and I them. Still, it felt more like a movie than a world I lived in.
The doorbell rang, breaking my thoughts and bringing me back to reality. My mind immediately jumped to my mom and her occasional irrational behavior. I hoped that she hadn’t decided to come over here after talking with Dad about my plans for next summer and scream her displeasure at Jackson and his parents. While it wouldn’t surprise me at all, I could only hope that my dad had managed to calm her down a bit before she embarrassed me to no end.
I heard Emily greet someone at the door and felt a rush of relief when Jenna’s voice responded. Jenna came storming into the living room followed closely by Ethan and Kyle. With her hands on her hips and a smirk across her lips she demanded, “Okay, explain!”
“Excuse me?” I was baffled.
“The wedding? Your parents know! We just stopped by your house,” she gestured towards Kyle, “because you hadn’t bothered to call like you said you would, and Ethan tells me that you’re over here and then asks me if I know you’re getting married next summer. When I didn’t answer him, he tells me that your parents know about it and that your dad came over here this afternoon and had a talk with Jackson! What in the world is going on?” she couldn’t keep herself from laughing.
“It’s nothing. I had a fight with my mom over Jackson and going to BU next fall and it all sort of slipped out.” I rolled my eyes.
Jenna flopped down on the loveseat giggling like an idiot. “Man, I wish I could have seen that. She must be coming unglued.”
Kyle sat down beside her and Ethan sat down in the chair next to the hearth.
“I’m not sure. I’m hiding over here while my dad calms her down.”
Ethan smirked at me. “Coward. Mom’s going ballistic. I could hear her screaming downstairs from her room while Dad was trying to talk with her. You might want to consider staying over at Jenna’s until…um, graduation.” He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side.
“Really? That bad, huh?”
“Yep, pretty bad! She’s going to read you the riot act when you get home. Dad told her she’s not allowed to come over here and make a scene. She was going to, but he stopped her.” Ethan shook his head at me. “I’m glad I’m not in your shoes right now.”
“She will come around,” Jackson piped in.
But Ethan interjected, “You don’t know our mom. This is exactly what she didn’t want for any of us, especially Jocelyn and Sidney. She has pushed college down our throats even before we started kindergarten.”
It was the first time I ever saw my brother look at Jackson with such scorn. He had always liked him and been supportive of our relationship, but I suppose it was different when Jackson was only my boyfriend and not someone planning on marrying his sister before college.
The room fell into an uncomfortable silence for several minutes until Jenna, who never handled silence well, finally spoke up. “Well, now that everything is out in the open, we can really start with the wedding preparations.” She bounced excitedly in her seat. “I texted Caitlyn and Hilary on my way over here and told them to get here ASAP, that you had a surprise for them.”
“You didn’t.”
But somehow I wasn’t surprised at all. Honestly, I was truly grateful that she was now comfortable, even excited about my upcoming nuptials. I was going to really need her support since my mother, and probably Sidney also, was going to give me so much grief about it.
“Of course, you’re not going to stick us in some hideous bridesmaid dresses that we’re never going to wear again.”
“Like I would do that,” I grinned and rolled my eyes playfully at her.
“Oh, yes you would, just to see us suffer and laugh at us,” she laughed and so did Kyle and Jackson, but Ethan sat there glaring over at Jackson who pretended not to notice.
“I would not,” I defended myself. “I’m not going to ruin my wedding pictures just to make you three look goofy.” I had to laugh because it certainly seemed like something Jenna would do just for the fun of it. “Plus, Emily’s already bought every bridal magazine on the market. She’s even got a wedding planner started.”
“Great. Have you found anything you like? What about colors? Have you decided on what colors you want?” Jenna settled back a little and snuggled up to Kyle who grinned and rolled his eyes across to Jackson.
“Not yet. There’s so many to choose from. It’s a bit overwhelming. I’m really going to need you three and Emily to help me decide.”
Shortly thereafter, Caitlyn and Hilary showed up dragging Cody and Zak along with them. After the shock of the news settled in and the barrage of questions were finally answered, the four of us, along with Emily, disappeared into the dining room to begin to sort through what Emily and I had already started on the wedding plans.
The guys all remained in the front room watching a movie. Zak and Cody seemed as if they couldn’t care less one way or another about the wedding, but my little brother still remained quiet. I wanted to go in there and talk to him, but I decided it would be best if I waited until we got home. I hated the thought of Ethan being upset or disappointed with me. He and I were so close and his support in all of this was going to make a world of difference to me. It really hadn’t occurred to me before now that he would be bothered by any of this. I guess I took his unconditional affection for me and his friendship with Jackson for granted, thinking that he would certainly be supportive of a marriage between us. I was wrong.
***
Ethan and I returned home by midnight. Luckily my parents had already retired for the evening and I wouldn’t have to deal with my mom until at least tomorrow. For that I was grateful.
I crawled into bed and snuggled down under my comforter. My thoughts had turned completely to what was going on in my other world and how I had behaved on Sunday, the day after finding out about EVE. I turned off the light on my nightstand when I heard someone enter.
“Ethan?” I whispered.
“Yeah. It’s me.” He came over and sat down on the edge of my bed next to me.
“Are you okay? You didn’t say a word all evening.” I rolled over towards him.
“I guess it bothers me more than I thought it would. I mean, when you and I were in here earlier and Dad was over at Jackson’s, it never occurred to me that he would give you his blessing to do something so stupid. I figured that he would put a stop to all this and you’d pout, but life would go on like it is now,” his voice sounded sad.
“I thought you liked Jackson.”
“I did. I do. I just sat here for over an hour after you left and listened to our parents screaming about this wedding and to be honest, Mom had some really good points, Jocelyn.”
Now it all made sense. “Like what?”
“That the possibly of you getting pregnant before you even finished your undergraduate work is very likely, making the likelihood of you graduating very slim, let alone completing grad school. All your hard work up until now will have been for nothing.”
“I’m not going to get pregnant, E. There are ways to prevent it.”
“Nothing is full proof. You know that.”
“True, but we’re going to be very careful. My education is every bit as important to Jackson as it is to me,” I tried to explain, but I could tell my efforts were falling on deaf ears.
“What about the fact that you have only known him for a few weeks? If one of your friends, Caitlyn, or Hilary, or even Jenna was planning on marrying some new guy that just moved to town a few weeks ago you’d be going ballistic, ranting and raving about how insane they were to be even considering something so stupid,” he took a deep breath and sighed. “You and I both know you would.”
I sat there for a moment and considered carefully what he was saying and as much as I hated to agree with him, I knew he was right. “True. I would be, but this isn’t one of my friends, it’s me and I need your support, Ethan. I really do. I need to know that you are with me whether or not you agree with my decision,” I pleaded with him for understanding.
“Jocelyn, you know the odds of this marriage lasting are so low it’s ridiculous. You both are so young. I mean, I’m barely younger than you and I can’t imagine making a commitment to someone like that. I can’t imagine even wanting to. I want to play football in college and then maybe grad school. I would never let some girl derail me from my dreams. Why would you let Jackson do that to you? Do you really want to be divorced before you even finish your bachelor’s?”
“No, of course not. Look, I understand why you feel the way you do, but you have to realize that he is not trying to rob me of my dreams. He supports them. In fact, his parents even offered to pay for my tuition if our parents withheld my trust from me.” I propped myself up on my elbow to see him more clearly and read his facial expressions. He looked so sad.
“Either way, you have known him for such a short amount of time. What do you really know about this guy…I mean seriously? Why not just go to school with him, share an apartment if that’s what you really want, but don’t marry him until after you at least complete your undergrad.”
“Because I want to marry him Ethan, more than anything. I don’t know how to explain it to you. We belong together.”
“Great! Wonderful! I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be with him, just wait to get married.” He placed his hand on my side as if pleading with me. It only made me feel all the more horrible.
“Please E, I need you with me in all this. I want you to stand up there with Jackson when we get married. It would mean a lot to me.” I felt like I was begging and I guess in a way I was.
“I don’t know, Jocelyn,” he shook his head looking down at the floor. “I just don’t know.” He slowly rose and walked over to my door.
“Ethan, don’t go. Let’s talk about this,” I hollered after him.
“Not right now. I’ve had enough for one day.” He paused with his hand on the door but did not turn around towards me. “Good night, Jocelyn, sweet dreams. I love you.” He closed the door behind him.
I rolled back over with a sharp pain in my stomach. I knew Ethan must really be hurting if he told me he loves me. He never speaks to me like that. I knew he loved me, I’ve always known that. However, he and I never say it. It’s always just a given between us. His words stung deep into my soul and I couldn’t shake it. I knew I could never get through all this without him. I hated the thought of hurting him. It killed me to know that I was the source of all the pain sweeping over my family and even worse, I felt incredibly selfish because I knew I was doing it for my own happiness despite their well founded and good intentioned objections.