Thursday, November 28, 1878: Thanksgiving Day
THE SKIES WERE DARK AND GRAY and the rain pattered heavily on the roof. Dread filled my heart. I knew what had to be done. It wasn’t going to be easy I was sure of it. Saying good-bye to those I loved dearly, a life I loved dearly, a world that would forever disappear and become only a faded memory.
Yet I had to believe that this was as it should be. I was positive that I could not reside between the two worlds. I knew I could never find that happy medium that the Chandlers found.
One life is difficult enough without contemplating the idea of entertaining two. I know I am not strong enough for that. Not alone anyway, and that is exactly where I am in this bizarre scenario that has consumed me.
None of this is real. None of this is real. None of this is real, I repeated over and over in my mind in some vague attempt to convince myself. Yet as I stumbled out of bed I stubbed my little toe on the corner of my bed. Intense pain shot through my body assuring me that this was all very real indeed as I grabbed my foot and hopped around my room trying to verbally censor my pain.
I hobbled over to the window and sat down rubbing my aching foot until it finally subsided. I leaned back and laughed to myself again for being foolish enough to try and convince myself of anything other than this never-ending nightmare from which I was finally hoping to awaken from. I pulled the curtains back and looked out on the soggy dreary day that engulfed everything within my view. In the foggy haze across the way sat the vacant building that had once been my second home. It had always been a warm and welcoming atmosphere that I always felt comfortable and at ease within. Now it loomed cold and heartbroken, a place I desperately wished I could erase from both planes.
A low rapping on my door broke my train of thought.
“Yes?”
“Good mornin’, Miss. Jocelyn.” Mimi appeared in an overly festive mood.
“Good morning, Mimi. How are you this morning?” I tried to match her enthusiasm.
“I’s doin’ well, been up since five gettin’ everything done. Your ma’s in rare form.”
“I would imagine so,” I smiled, envisioning the havoc that my mother was most likely inflicting upon the staff.
“What time is everyone arriving?”
“Noonish.”
She walked over to the armoire and started sorting through my gowns. She pulled out an Amherst shaded gown and laid it gently across my bed. It was the exact color of the gown that Emily had created for the Halloween party even though the style was somewhat different.
I remained silent and sat down at the vanity table. Mimi came over and began brushing my hair in long strokes. I closed my eyes trying not to think that this may well be the last time her and I performed this ritual that we had danced every day for as long as I could remember. I closely watched her skillful fingers work their perfected craft and absorbed every movement. She moved her graceful fingers with such precision and delicacy that it amazed me.
I held onto the bedpost while Mimi pulled and tugged on the corset strings until I felt like I couldn’t inhale before she finally tied the knot. This is one thing I certainly will not miss at all. Yet, I have to admit that I do love the degree at which it enhances my figure.
I climbed into the heavy gown and instantly felt the weight of the material against my frame as Mimi fastened it together. After the tactile recall of the almost weightless attire I wore daily there, the multiple layers of articles adorned here felt oddly more comforting over the other. In a sense I felt as if I was stepping into a role, the role of the proper young lady in the year 1878. It was absurd to imagine styling the fashions of the twenty-first century in such a setting. I smiled at myself in the full-length mirror thinking of the reaction it would cause if I were to attempt such a thing.
“Ya look very lovely, Miss Jocelyn.” Mimi smiled, stepping back and admiring her work.
“Thank you, Mimi. You did a beautiful job.” I hugged her tightly.
Mimi excused herself to return downstairs to assist the others. I assured her that I would follow shortly. It was half past ten and I still had some time before the remainder of my family arrived. I paced restlessly around my room, tracing my fingers over the silliest and most trivial of objects just to encode them into my memory forever. I wanted nothing to go left unexplored. The smells of the fresh linens on my bed, the embers in the hearth, the dried violets and lilies of a spring long forgotten left at my request. Despite the fact that I resided within the same four walls on both planes, each were so drastically different they appeared in my mind as completely separate entities.
My mind drifted from one source of intrigue to another while spontaneously entertaining minute-by-minute shifts in my emotions. It was impossible to focus on one topic or contemplate anything for longer than it took me to take two steps. I wanted to absorb everything all at once, remember every single detail of the last eighteen years. All the holidays, birthdays, special occasions that transpired under this roof.
The most aggravating of all was the fact that while the holes were enlarging, they mainly consisted of recent events across planes with only rare flashes of the past that were hard to differentiate. It seemed while on each individual plane, everything was normal and memories of years past were as clear as day, full memories had not been totally exposed across time. I picked up the silver pocket watch from Jackson and held it tightly against my chest. I suppose it’s a good thing because having those memories would only make it harder to let go of my life here.
I had spent the last several years of my life thinking of how wonderful it would be to finally be Jackson’s wife, the mother of his children, have our own house, and be able to spend every evening by his side. Now it was gone. I sat down on the corner of the bed and leaned my head against the post, closing my eyes. I could see the photographs of our family that my other self had discovered. My three beautiful babies and the proof that our little family had prospered and persevered were painful reminders.
I sighed heavily and wiped a single tear off my cheek. I knew I had to pull myself together if I was going to get through this day. I couldn’t give anyone anything to be suspicious about. I would play my role to perfection until I could seize the opportunity to get my Uncle Monte alone and beg him for his help.
***
Sarah, Cora and Mimi were working endlessly making sure that the huge Thanksgiving meal was prepared perfectly. The smell of turkey and pumpkin pie hung heavy throughout the house. The enticing aroma brought back a flood of memories from yesteryears when all of us were much younger and the world was somehow a much friendlier place. It was strange to think of how that wasn’t long ago yet, so much has occurred since those times that the carefree innocence was now lost forever and had been replaced with something much colder and harder than I could ever have imagined.
Mother was almost frantic making sure all the last minute details were attended to before the first of our family arrived. Father was doing his best to keep her under control but even he looked as if he had almost hit his breaking point. I never could figure out why these occasions were referred to as a holiday when they always seemed to reap more havoc than all the other days combined.
“Everything looks beautiful, Mother,” I complimented upon entering the dining room.
“Do you really think so?” she looked apprehensive.
“Of course.” I placed my arm around her. “And you look lovely, too.”
“So do you, darling. It is good to see you looking more like yourself again.”
“I feel better,” I catered. “And this is going to be a great day.”
My parents looked at me as if they weren’t buying my fake façade.
“Yes, it is,” William spoke up as he and Olivia entered the room.
***
Two of my brothers showed up with their wives and in Jonathon’s case, children. As soon as I saw Patrick II and his wife Kathrine, I flashed back on the memory that I’d had of their wedding in my life there. It was the first time I had ever seen Jackson and his parents in one of my visions. Even then, strong emotions were coming across my thinning consciousness. I knew how much I did not like my brother’s choice in wife. Kathrine was a very cold woman whom I truly believed only married my brother for his choice in profession and the financial gain he received from it. Even though they had been married for several years, they had yet to produce a child. Mainly, I believed, because she would hate to share the spotlight with someone else. Kathrine was a very vain individual that always thought of herself first. She couldn’t care less about the long hours my brother put in at the hospital to afford the type of lifestyle she felt entitled to. If anyone was going to have to miss my last family holiday, I would rather it had been her instead of James and his family.
My mother’s sister with her family made their appearance shortly after her brother and his family showed. My Uncle Monte and Aunt Vivian arrived with their sons while my Uncle Nicholas and his clan were the last to show. Everyone snacked on the finger foods Sarah had prepared, lingering about discussing various subjects while the younger children ran around, filling the house with the familiar sounds of their laughter. The house was crowded, yet still felt strangely empty to me without the Chandlers. They had always shared all of our holidays and all those present felt their absence although no one uttered a word on the subject.
The meal was superb and everyone gorged themselves to capacity. After dinner and dessert, I nervously stood next to the stair rail gripping it so tightly my knuckles turned white. I had spoken to my Uncle Monte countless times in my life though this time was entirely different. I watched him carefully standing next to Vivian with his arm draped loosely around her waist. He laughed whole-heartedly at something my brother Jonathon said. He seemed very happy. In all the years of my life, I could never recall a time when I had even the slightest inclination that he was unhappy or unsatisfied with his decision to leave his other plane of existence.
I knew in my heart that if I was ever going to have a chance to heal and become whole again, I was going to have to leave this plane forever. I could not live in a world where I was so close to Jackson—to see him someday fall in love with another, marry her and then father her children. I could not bear it. The pain would be overwhelming and I knew I would eventually succumb to my grief and have no desire for any sort of existence. Therefore, it was now or never if I could ever hope to have any semblance of happiness.
I casually approached my uncle and stood next to my Aunt Vivian. “Excuse me, Uncle Monte, may I speak with you a moment alone please?”
“Of course, Jocelyn.” He turned towards my brother. “Please, excuse me.” He nodded towards his wife. “I shall return shortly, my dear.”
Placing a loving kiss on her cheek, he turned and followed me to the other end of the house to my father’s study.
I quietly closed the door behind us, and my heart began racing so loudly I was positive he could hear it. Uncle Monte took a seat in the armchair next to the fire and warmed his hands over the flames.
“My goodness, I believe we are going to have a bad winter this year,” he grinned slightly. “Now Jocelyn, come sit down and tell me what is on your mind.”
I took the seat opposite his and tried to think of the right words to begin with. “It is most difficult to explain, I am afraid.”
He looked at me inquisitively. “Well then, you have my full attention and curiosity.”
“Did my father speak to you regarding my engagement to Mr. Jackson?” I shifted slightly, feeling uncomfortable.
He leaned over and gently placed his hands over mine in a fatherly gesture. “Yes, he informed me Sunday. I am so sorry that you ended the engagement.”
“That is what I wanted to speak with you alone about.”
He sat back in his seat and gave me a confused look.
“I ended our engagement because he could not be honest with me about EVE.”
Uncle nodded in understanding. “Has your barrier disintegrated?” he inquired.
“Not completely. Although there are holes and they seem to be growing almost daily. I am experiencing feelings and emotions that I cannot explain, events that are out of chronological order, some very recent, some from my early childhood. None of which make a great deal of sense to me.”
“I would imagine not,” he laughed. “It can be very disturbing to say the least.”
“Yes, very much so.”
“Was Mr. Jackson not clarifying episodes for you?” He leaned forward in his chair. “The Chandlers promised me they would do everything possible to guide you through this difficult time of adjustment. And now, to hear this…” he shook his head.
“As you can imagine, the ending of our engagement has greatly changed my circumstances.”
“In what way?”
“You may not be aware of what events have been transpiring there, but I am afraid that my relationship with Mr. Jackson and the recent announcement of our engagement has caused a great deal of stress in my life and strain on my family,” I began.
“Yes, Mr. Chandler has been kind enough to keep me updated on your progress and told me what had transpired,” he leaned back again and relaxed. “And I must say that it is a relief that your barrier is finally coming down. I have been waiting anxiously to ask you so many questions about my brother, Shane. I miss him dearly. How is he doing?”
“He has been so wonderful about all of this. While he did not approve of my getting married so young, he was supportive, which is more than I can say for my mother, Amy, and Ethan,” I sighed, but my uncle laughed.
“That is not surprising. Amy is a very career driven woman. Mr. Chandler told me she was being difficult. Honestly, I expected nothing less of her. Yet, I am surprised that Ethan was so hard on you.” His eyebrows furled.
“Ethan can be very moody when he chooses to be,” I half smiled.
“And how is Sydney?”
“She is doing well. She is attending Northwestern, pre-med of course,” I said with pride. “She came home for my birthday and I believe she will be home for Thanksgiving.”
“Is she dating anyone seriously?” he inquired.
“Not that I am aware of. I honestly do not speak with her often,” I lowered my eyes. “I believe we do not have much in common with one another.”
“No, I suppose not. She was always more like your mother and you favored my side of the family more.” He patted my knee and laughed. “But are you happy there?”
“Yes, I believe so. It really is such a different world and I am still trying to absorb it all. I never would have imagined some of the things that I have learned about it and even seen for myself.”
“Yes, it must be quite a shock for you.”
“But I really have some amazing friends there. I am very active in sports. I play volleyball, basketball and softball. I am a very good student. In fact, I will be going to college next fall, but I am not sure yet what I am going to major in.” Those words felt so foreign coming out of my mouth.
“Good, good. I am happy to hear that,” he nodded in acknowledgment.
I got up and wandered over to the window collecting my thoughts for a moment. “However, this situation with Mr. Jackson has caused me more grief in both my lives than I ever thought possible.”
“What is on your mind, Jocelyn?” Uncle Monte leaned forward in his chair again.
“Needless to say, since the Chandlers only came there looking for me because of our engagement here and that no longer being an issue, I asked Mr. Jackson to return to Boston and his studies at law school for the spring semester.”
I hated myself for the tears that drifted down my cheeks. I hastily brushed them aside before I continued. “There simply was no point for us to continue our relationship or to go ahead with our wedding next summer there.” I smiled grimly and brushed the tears away once more then returned to my chair across from him at the hearth.
“My dear, you cannot be serious? I know you are very upset with his recent behavior. Are you sure there is no possibility of you two mending your relationship?”
His eyes were full of sympathy and understanding like no other I had spoken to in weeks. It was like a weight being lifted just being able to speak with someone other than the Chandlers who I could be honest with and who understood every aspect of what I was enduring.
“I believe it is too far gone for that now.” I hated myself for the endless run of tears.
“It is never too late for someone you love,” my uncle added softly, taking my hands in his.
“If only that were true I would fight for him.”
“Then fight for him. Tell him that you love him. Tell him you forgive him. Do not let the one you love slip through your fingers, my darling. If you do you will regret it the rest of your life.” He looked deep into my eyes and held them.
“Uncle Monte,” I brushed the tears aside. “I read your journals.”
“I see.” He sat back in his chair and shifted his eyes towards the fire. “You must understand Jocelyn, I never intended for you or anyone to see those.”
“Shane found them and showed them to me.” My uncle nodded but remained silent. “He thought you were an amazing writer. He said it made him feel like you had actually experienced it all firsthand.”
“I did,” he muttered softly, still staring at the fire. “I should have destroyed them before I left.”
He looked back towards me, but his eyes looked sad.
“Left? Don’t you mean died?” The memory of being at his grave came rushing through me.
“Jocelyn…”
“I know you made the conscious decision twelve years ago to leave your life there and live solely on this plane.” His eyes widened and he slowly nodded. “As you could not live in a world where your wife did not exist, I cannot live in a world where Mr. Jackson does. Please I beg of you, Uncle Monte, if you love me and ever want to see me happy, tell me how to leave this plane so that I may attempt to rebuild a life there without him.”
“Jocelyn, have you thought about this? I mean, really thought about this? What you are asking is not something that you can change your mind about later. You cannot take it back and this would devastate your family here. Do you realize that?”
“Yes, I know and it is not something I would think of doing irrationally. Besides, is it so very different from what you did to us there? I remember what your death did to my father…my family. Shane still goes through it even now. He just now went through your stuff. That is how he came across your journals.” I shook my head in frustration. “He barely talks about you and that is saying nothing of what it did to your parents. I was young, but I do remember it.” Strange as it was, I honestly did. “How is my situation any different than yours?” I pleaded.
“I was not running away when I made my decision. I could not imagine ever loving someone else the way I love Vivian. I never wanted to be with another woman, there or here. What I did was selfish. I know that and a lot of people were hurt because of it. You will move on with your life in time, my dear. I know it does not feel like it but I promise you, it is true,” he explained.
I shook my head in despair. “No. No. You are wrong. There is no moving forward. Not here, but perhaps I can there. Perhaps I can find a way before the barrier is completely demolished. I can believe that this has all been a dream, some horrible nightmare that I can finally awaken from. I can find a way to believe that it never really happened. That he was not real.”
“Tell me something honestly.” He got up and walked over beside me. “Did you also find the photo albums?”
I turned back towards the window and stared at the black evening sky. The thick cloud cover allowed no penetration by the sparkling stars. I couldn’t see even the smallest bit of light breaking into the darkness. Nothing but black hovered over the outside world. I wanted desperately to deny discovering the albums, but I knew he would see straight through me. I had admitted the journals that were obviously packed in the same trunk as the albums so there was no getting around it. I nodded my head slowly without turning towards him.
“And you looked through them?”
“Yes.”
“You saw your family…the family you and Jackson have?”
Tears rolled gently down my face. “Were going to have. But not now.” I brushed the tears aside and turned back to my uncle. “How does that work exactly, Uncle Monte? What happens when things change events that in one era have already happened?”
“To be honest, I have not the slightest inkling.” His eyes drifted towards the window as if he was lost in his own thoughts for a moment while considering the possibilities. “The entire concept of EVE was always very baffling to me. There were so many questions I wanted answers to but never found.”
We returned to our seats by the hearth.
“I know. Imagine how I felt when I was told the me there was even named after the me here!” I shook my head with dismay.
“Yes,” Monte chuckled a bit. “I always thought that was rather ironic when Shane and Amy told me about it. Of course I could not say anything to them.”
I leaned over running my fingers through my hair. A low laugh from my uncle caused me to look back up at him. “You realize that Shane does the same thing when he gets upset about something.”
“Excuse me?”
“The gesture you just made. Your father, Shane does the same thing when he is upset.”
“Really?”
“Yes, your other self is really starting to shine through,” he smiled softly.
“And what will the impact be on my family line now that Jackson and I are not going to get married and have children? What will happen now that I have chosen to leave here?”
My uncle shook his head slowly. “I just don’t know, Jocelyn. I wish I did but I really don’t.”
“Then I will have to risk it,” I stated firmly.
“You cannot risk something we know so little about. Your decision could end your family line there and then you may not have a life to lead there,” he tried to reason. “If you are set on only living on one plane of existence then you should leave your life there, not here.”
“Are you serious?” I stared at him with disbelief. “You have to be kidding?”
“Not at all. You cannot risk so much. The consequences could be disastrous.”
“Let’s not be melodramatic, Uncle Monte,” I huffed. “I have four brothers to carry on the family line. And if you think I would give up everything I have there for the life I have here…well then, you have forgotten all the amazing changes the world has made in the last century. If I was still going to marry Jackson on both planes then I know I would have been able to find a happy medium.” My eyes drifted towards the flames for a moment. “All right, so perhaps I am exaggerating a bit. I know I would have been happy no matter where I was as long as I had Jackson. But you are forgetting the bigger picture here. Our engagement is off.”
“You can change that if you want. Besides, it is not your brothers whom your father, Shane, me and the other you are directly descended from. It is from your daughter…your and Jackson’s daughter,” he stated pointedly.
“But Alyssa Nichole, along with Gavin and Ethan are never going to exist,” I shot back a little more quickly than I had intended. “I am sorry, Uncle Monte.” I dropped my head back down in my hands. “This is so unfair,” I complained. “I have given this a great deal of thought and my mind is set. This dual existence is not what I want. I just want to be normal.”
“Jocelyn, please.”
“Uncle Monte, I know you understand how I am feeling. I read your journals. I know you have felt this sense of loss. Please help me. I cannot live like this. I must leave in order to move forward. If I do not, I know I will forever be unhappy,” I begged with all my heart.
My Uncle stared at me for a long while with endearing love and empathy. I leaned forward a tad anxiously waiting with baited breath for Uncle Monte to speak the words I longed to hear to finally put an end to all my pain and torment. I knew I could never survive the pain of a life without Jackson and the very thought of watching him move on and eventually be with another was completely unbearable.
Suddenly a loud commotion outside the study drew both our attention towards the door. “I do not care if she wants to see me or not!” My heart stopped. “William, please…step aside!” Jackson’s voice pleaded very loudly.
The office door swung open and there stood Jackson with William gripping his arm. The mere sight of him took my breath away and sent a blazing dagger straight into my heart.
“Jackson, leave her alone,” William said through gritted teeth.
“She has to hear what I have to say,” Jackson responded without taking his eyes off me.
“It is all right, William,” I forced the words out. I couldn’t breathe.
“I will leave you two alone. Excuse me.” Uncle Monte leaned down with a slight smile and kissed the top of my head before he left the room, closing the door behind him.
Jackson stood there for several minutes staring at me without uttering a word. The silence was worse than the yelling.
“I thought you had something to say to me?” I forced myself to remain seated and not run into his arms like every ounce of me wanted to.
“Jocelyn,” he softly began. “Please, do not do this.” He crossed over and knelt down beside my chair. “I am begging you.”
“Jackson…”
“Please, do not leave this plane, leave me, leave us.” His emerald green eyes were surrounded by dark circles and looked mournful, dark, like he hadn’t slept in days and his face was scruffy.
“You flatter yourself,” I got up and crossed back over to the window. “I would have to still care about you in order for me to consider doing something of that nature.”
He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes and willed myself not to break down. “I love you, Jocelyn. I have always loved you and I always will. Nothing in either world will ever change my feelings for you,” he whispered, leaning into my ear. “I only want to spend my lives with you.” I could feel his hot breath on my neck.
“Jackson, please…” I hated myself for the tears that returned. “It will never be over between us because I will never stop loving you.”
“Nor I you.”
He turned me around but I refused to look up at him. I knew it would render me powerless and I was already quickly losing that battle.
“I was stupid and childish. I am so sorry I did not tell you the whole truth. I should have trusted you, trusted us. I never meant to deceive you. Please forgive me,” he begged in a soft tone.
I stared down at the floor afraid to meet his eyes. I felt so ashamed for my recent behavior—on both planes. I was the one who had overreacted and behaved like a child. Not him.
“I am so sorry, for everything,” I whispered. “Can you ever forgive me for the horrible things I said and the way that I behaved?”
“Marry me,” he lifted my chin with his fingertips forcing me to look into his beautiful brilliant green eyes. “I love you sweetheart, please say you will.”
I nodded stupidly lost in his eyes. A slow grin spread across his shapely lips. “Are you serious?”
Again, I nodded.
He pressed his lips firmly upon mine and I melted into him feeling the passionate fire soar through me instantly. Jackson picked me up and twirled me around in his arms.
“Oh…. I love you so much, baby!”
“I love you too.” I laughed. “I am so sorry for everything.”
“No, it was all my fault. I am sorry for all the pain I caused you. I never meant to hurt you, I promise.”
We held each other tightly in front of the fire, savoring the moment and never wanting it to end. I could hear the commotion outside the office door and knew it wouldn’t be long before we were interrupted.
“Are you all right?” he asked with my favorite lop-sided grin.
“Never better.” I rested my head against his chest, inhaling the smell of his cologne. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling better than I did at that moment.
“We should probably open the door before your brothers kick it in,” he laughed, giving me a tight squeeze.
“Let them. I do not care. I never want to let you go.” I tightened my grip around him. “I missed you so much.”
Jackson leaned down and kissed the top of my head. “I missed you too, my love. I have been so miserable without you.”
“Me too.”
“Never again.”
“Never,” I happily agreed.
My family was crunched up against the door eavesdropping to the point they practically fell in when Jackson finally opened it moments later.
“Oh….um, sorry,” William stammered with Olivia and my mother leaning right over him.
“We were just… well…um,” my mother looked embarrassed. “Would you like some dessert, Mr. Jackson? Sarah has made the best pumpkin pie and we also have some whip cream chocolate cake. It is Sarah’s specialty,” she attempted to recompose herself.
Both of us couldn’t help but laugh at them. “That would be wonderful,” Jackson glowed.
He took my hand and we walked back into the front room when there was another knock at the front door. Eddie hurried to answer it while the others smothered us, congratulating us on our reunification.
“I am glad to see the two of you together,” Emily’s voice rang out as she approached us. She wrapped her arms tightly around me and then her son. “This is wonderful. I am guessing that the wedding is back on?”
I smiled and nodded. I could not seem to stop smiling. Everyone was suddenly talking all at once, but the only thing I could concentrate on was the fact that I was standing beside Jackson and his arms were wrapped tightly around me.
His parents and siblings and their families had all followed Jackson back from Boston. From what I could gather from the numerous conversations that were taking place simultaneously was that they had left shortly after they had realized he was missing. It seems they were unsure as to what kind of reception he was going to receive upon his intrusion on our holiday. The bits and pieces I was hearing was that my brothers were apparently more protective of me than I had ever realized.
As the evening settled in and Jackson and I snuggled up on the lounge by the hearth surrounded by our family and loved ones, I found my peace and solace. This is exactly where I belonged. It really did not matter which plane we were on, as long as I had Jackson beside me, I knew I would be happy.