11

Coping with Loss from Other Types of Separation

Losing a beloved animal through death is difficult enough, but there is no doubt that being separated from a pet through other reasons is extremely traumatic. This may be because a pet has gone missing, has been stolen, has had to be rehomed for some reason, or as a result of a relationship breaking down. Some examples are given below.

A dear friend recalled how much she missed a companion dog when she went off to college, which was compounded by the fact that she knew the dog pined for her as well. This lady recalls when her childhood cat went missing and never returned:

Losing a pet is an awful experience, whether it is unexpected or you have had time to acknowledge the inevitable. But not knowing what has happened to them makes the experience much worse. Our older tabby cat disappeared one day and never came home. This was a real shock and a difficult thing to process for the whole family. I had grown up with him (he used to sleep under my cot), and he was a real character. Obviously, we tried all the usual things: going round to the neighbouring streets to check houses, garages, and any other outbuilding we could find, checking in with the local vets (as he was microchipped), and scouring the local area in case he had been hit by traffic. Based on experience, he rarely stayed out and always came home. Years before, even after being hit by a car and being injured, he had still made it back. But this time, there was nothing.

As time went on we gradually adapted to the fact that he was gone, but the way in which we had lost him from our lives never really settled. Although it was always very easy and very painful to imagine the worst that could have happened, years later those thoughts are quickly replaced with the good memories of his independent character, the silly games he broke into without warning, and the love and affection we enjoyed while he was in our lives.

An elderly gentleman told me about his fleeting relationship with a pet dog when he was a boy:

My parents were not particularly fond of animals, and the only previous pet I’d been allowed to have was a white mouse, although that escaped and mated with a wild mouse—being near an old brewery there were plenty of rodents, which did nothing to endear my mother to pets.

When I was about ten years old, which would have been around 1950, my father came home with a small terrier dog, which apparently he bought in a pub. Of course, I was delighted—a pet to love at last! But this didn’t go well, either. About two weeks after the little dog joined the family he ran out the front door and went into a neighbour’s house, where he promptly peed on their new carpet. My parents were so embarrassed that when I came home from school I was told the dog had gone. I was devastated and still remember it 70 years on. It was only much later in life when I married my second wife who loves all animals that once again I had the pleasure of canine company.

This poem describes the loss of a pet guinea pig stolen from a front garden, where he had been grazing on the lawn under a protective frame.

Bramble

Little guinea pig, I wonder what happened to you,

It really worries me – if only I knew.

Taken from the garden in which you dwelt,

Whoever took you should now have felt,

The fierce protection for you and your kind,

Which I pray reaches the consciousness of their mind.

If you’re still alive, I wish you safe and sound,

And if you’ve moved on, I hope it is peace you have found.

Another incredibly difficult situation is when animals are taken by force by authorities because they are considered dangerous or reclaimed by the charitable organization from which the pet was rehomed originally. I have come across two of the latter situations. In one, the guardians of a newly rehomed dog, with whom they had already strongly bonded, sought advice from the organization he’d come from. His behaviour was reassessed by a member of staff, and as the dog was perceived to be aggressive he was consequently euthanized without the guardians’ consent. Understandably, this initiated a legal investigation. The other involved an animal being taken back by a charity that, for some reason, had deemed the current guardian unfit to care for the pet. Both of these unusual situations caused immense distress for the loving guardians.

Any loss or separation from a pet can cause grief, which can be complicated by a number of unsettling factors:

This book does not cover these situations in detail, because they are complex and generally call for individual professional input and support according to each unique case.

When an Animal Goes Missing

Generally the first 24 hours are crucial, as you are more likely to find a pet within this time. An internet search on “what to do if your (species) goes missing” usually gives some simple and quick pointers, and there are websites dedicated to helping guardians through this incredibly stressful and upsetting time. Sadly, if the pet is never found, there may come a point when the guardians need to decide that they must allow themselves to grieve, and grieve fully, which could include creating a memorial and working through the different aspects of grief that arise.

Having to Rehome a Pet

If a pet has to be rehomed for any reason, it’s important to accept that this will cause a grief process and it will be necessary to work through the many emotions the separation causes. Having ensured the best option for rehoming, it is generally considered that a clean break is best, but this will depend on the individual circumstances.

Pet Taken by the Authorities

The distressing situation of a beloved pet being taken by force by the authorities is a legal issue, which will need legal representation. It’s worth knowing that in the UK, all animals fall within the 2016 Animal Welfare Act, which requires:

Therefore, although guardians won’t be permitted to see animals during their confinement, there should be a means to pass on any vital health care information, such as veterinary treatments the animal has been receiving.

In conclusion, if you have experienced any of the distressing situations mentioned in this section of the book, I hope that the chapters on coping with different aspects of grief offer support as you work towards piecing your life back together.

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