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Coping with Grief after Pet Loss

When we truly care for a pet, they become an integral part of the family and a deeply loved companion in everyday life. This applies to any pet—be it a cat, dog, bird, guinea pig, equine companion, or any life we care about. Pets return our love in immeasurable ways, offering warmth and companionship, sometimes preventing loneliness and isolation, with each unique individual enhancing the richness of our life.

There is so much we have yet to discover about the depth of the human–animal relationship, but those of us who have lived with and cared for a pet already know and understand how incredibly special this relationship can be.

Let’s make it clear right from the start that grief is grief, whether it is from the loss of a human or pet. Remember, we feel the pain because we care. The sudden sense of loss can be overwhelming, bringing a whole roller-coaster of emotions, such as:

And sometimes we fear that we will never recover or feel normal again.

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The severity of these emotions can take us aback, even to the point of thinking, “I’m going out of my mind.” These feelings and thoughts reflect the depth of pain of separation and, although this is a normal response it can be hard to bear, particularly in the early days of bereavement when everything feels so raw.

It’s not uncommon for someone to cry more over the loss of their beloved pet than the death of a person. Perhaps this is because of the purity and simplicity of the human–animal relationship, or because the pet has been the main focus of their life and the recipient of all their love and care over the years.

Grief of any kind is a natural and necessary process. It’s a journey we each face at different times during life, and it is certainly not something to simply “get over”. Therefore, grief needs to be recognized for what it is: a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one, be that a person or pet.

We need to allow ourselves the time and space to grieve fully, to release the many emotions that arise and talk through the troubling thoughts and anxieties. No matter who we are, it’s natural to cry during grief, as tears offer necessary release during this emotionally turbulent time.

Understanding Grief

Grief is a difficult subject but an important one, and understanding the process may help bring some peace of mind during this turbulent time. Because any significant shock, such as news of impending loss or grief, is likely to cause major disruption to the ongoing everyday normality of your life, you may find that your overall sense of stability is temporarily “out of order” and you’re left desperately trying to piece your life back together.

Think of your daily routine as being made up of the many facets fitting neatly together like a jigsaw puzzle, forming the overall picture that describes your life.

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Each piece is an integral part of the whole, including your relationships and everything you value and care about. Using this analogy, while life carries on normally the puzzle stays intact, and even if one or two of the pieces become a bit loose or worn around the edges, you can still see the picture.

A significant shock, such as the death or the devastating news of terminal illness of a much-loved pet, causes the many pieces of your life to come apart; it’s as though the jigsaw puzzle, previously intact, has now been picked up and thrown onto the ground, scattering into separate components. The overall picture, which until now has been familiar, suddenly disappears, along with the security of the normal interconnectedness of your everyday goings-on.

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The jigsaw puzzle analogy may help you to understand why you feel distraught and that your life is suddenly “in pieces”, and you’ll want to know what you can do to get through this very strange and painful process.

We’ve all heard that grief is a journey and people may go through different stages. What may not be so clear, though, is that it is possible to actively work through the process, gently but surely face the different emotions and fears, and find a way through to a place of settlement in your mind and quiet acceptance.

A Sense of Relief in Bereavement

Sometimes the death of a pet can bring relief. For example, you may have constantly worried whether your companion animal was suffering, or have struggled to care for an elderly or sick pet for some time, which was stressful and difficult, perhaps even expensive and therefore draining upon your resources. After the animal has died that pressure is no longer there, and it can feel like a relief in some ways. Grief is difficult enough to cope with, so if your personal grief journey is tinged with a certain amount of relief, try to accept it gracefully.

Someone described to me the relief she felt after her dog, a large and unusual breed, died. Although she had really loved her dog and had truly cared for her in the best possible way for 12 years, the behavioural and health issues inherent in that particular breed had caused a lot of stress. Certainly, she felt grief at the loss of her beloved canine and missed her a lot, but she also felt relief.

You may feel relief because the animal is no longer suffering, or from knowing that a beloved pet had a kind and humane death. Sometimes relief surfaces later on, after the initial rawness of shock and grief has settled down. Either way, please be reassured that it’s perfectly natural to experience some sort of relief during bereavement.

The Seasons of Grief

Another way of approaching grief involves the analogy of the four seasons, beginning with the sense of being plunged into deep winter by feelings of shock.

At first, you’ll need time to take on board what has happened. Even when distressing news was expected, the actuality causes shock, bringing with it a sense of disbelief and that “this can’t be happening”. It is like finding yourself suddenly thrust into the middle of a cold, hard winter, when everything has frozen over and life comes to a standstill. It may feel a bit surreal, especially when the rest of the world around you carries on as though nothing has happened, whilst you feel that your life as you knew it has changed forever.

The shock you experience can make you feel out of sorts and “all over the place”. It is a confusing and exhausting time with everything out of sync, and although you may desperately want to find some peace and rest, sleep can become elusive, causing you to generally feel under par.

As you begin to take on board the reality of what has happened you may find yourself overwhelmed by the depth of emotions you experience – rather like torrents of rain filling fast-flowing rivers as the winter snow and ice finally begin to melt with the onset of early spring. These emotions can be overwhelming, and you need to give yourself the time and space to work through them. It is vitally important to allow yourself to feel what you feel, which can be more difficult than it sounds. You may be afraid of the depth of pain you’ll experience, or fear that you’ll never be able to stop crying.

Try not to censor your emotions, but release them as they arise, which you may prefer to do in the privacy of your own home or in another quiet place. The anguish during grief can cause a lot of tears, deep sadness, anxiety, and maybe feelings of anger, all of which are natural and normal responses. Rather than bottling things up for fear of appearing weak or unable to cope, do recognize that you are going through a significant process, which takes time and effort to work through.

If you find yourself worrying about some aspect of a pet’s death, rather than suffer such anxiety alone, it can help to share your feelings and talk things through with someone who you know will understand. If there are recurring concerns you cannot resolve, try writing them down and then think about who you can discuss them with to try to settle your mind.

For example, you may need to arrange to talk to the vet for a few minutes to seek reassurance about some aspect of your pet’s end of life, as can be seen in this short account:

I couldn’t get out of my mind that I’d had my wonderful Sonny put to sleep too early because he perked up a bit just as I took him to the vet. My heart was heavy as I phoned the surgery to make the appointment the day before. But as the next day dawned, he suddenly seemed a bit brighter and I caught a glimpse of my beautiful Sonny as he’d been before he got ill. I think the vet saw my hesitation as me not wanting to let Sonny go, but I was desperate to keep him alive longer if he wasn’t ready to go. The vet and her nurse got on with it, and before I knew it he was lying there, no longer breathing. I was too upset to ask or say anything at the time.

My friend, who’d been through a few pet losses herself, was great and took care of me for the rest of that day. We talked a lot over the next few days, and she noticed that I kept on about how I’d had Sonny put to sleep too soon. Eventually, she suggested that I contact the vet to ask if I could have a quick word about my cat’s euthanasia. I did this, and thankfully, she agreed to see me. It was hard going back to the surgery, so my friend came with me, but it was worth it to hear from the vet how she’d seen without doubt that Sonny had come to the end of his life and that to prolong it would have caused him unnecessary pain and distress. In fact, the vet said that in her opinion it was absolutely the right time, and if it had been her cat she would have done the same.

I was greatly reassured by this and grateful to both my dear friend and the lovely vet who took a few moments out of her busy day to settle my mind once and for all. Of course, Sonny’s death was still really painful to me, but at least I didn’t have the awful added guilt and doubt.

It is easy to feel as though you’re losing control during this early stage of the grief process. If you find yourself desperately wondering how much more you can take, think of the emotions like waves in a stormy ocean rising up and crashing around you. Know that eventually each high wave has to come back down, giving you a chance to take a breath and regather yourself. Remember that every storm eventually settles, bringing calm in its wake, as indeed will the pain and distress you may be experiencing.

As you begin to gently adjust to your loss, you will find you are able to take tentative steps to re-engage in some of your usual activities. By analogy, this is like the relief of the warmer, drier summer weather after a very wet and windy spring.

However, even in the summer there will still be some rainy days, when you suddenly feel low again and some of the emotions and feelings you thought you’d already dealt with resurface. This can be disconcerting when you were finally starting to make some progress, and then, wham, it’s like you’re back at square one. Be aware that certain things—and often it’s the small things, such as a sound, sight, or scent—can trigger a sudden setback. It’s okay; this is normal. Often it can be a case of three steps forward and two back for a while, and then three steps forward and one back, but do remember that you are still progressing, slowly but surely. Try to recognize setbacks as they occur, and know that these too will pass and you will be able to once again move forward.

The autumn of grief is about the process of gradually and gently letting go of the pain and distress, a little at a time. This is analogous to autumn leaves that over time slowly change their colours and state before being released back to the earth. As with the trees, this doesn’t happen all at once, and it’s certainly not a process to be rushed.

That said, one of the hardest things can be “to let go”, yet we each need to find our unique way of doing so.

Remember that grief is the other side of caring, and you feel pain because you cared. However difficult it seems at times, know that as you progress gently through the different seasons of grief, there comes a quiet healing and, eventually, reconciliation with the fact that life does indeed move on.

As I said earlier, it’s never a case of “getting over it”; grief simply isn’t like that, so never feel under pressure, either from yourself or anyone else, to do so. Take your time, and do what feels right for you.

It is normal to feel low at times during bereavement because you’re trying to cope with having lost such a precious part of your life. However, there may be times when you need to gently but surely lift yourself up from the anguish and sadness—to allow yourself to feel a little lighter and happier, as and when you can. As one lady reflected after the loss of her beloved dog, Max:

I was totally distraught for days when Max died, and I cried and cried—on my own, with my husband, on the phone to my friends, and with my sister. But after a while, I remembered how Max used to look at me when I’d been upset. He would look very anxious; he didn’t like to see me upset. So I tried each day to not stay down for too long, because I knew Max would want me to start to be happy again. It was difficult to do this, especially at first, as I had started to feel very low, but I wanted to get through this in memory of Max as much as for my own sake.

Of course, I still miss him terribly, but now when the sadness threatens to descend on me, I try to focus on the good times we shared, and there were many of these, and then I begin to feel a bit stronger. I think of him running across the field, full of joy, and how he’d love to share adventures with me, and this lightens my heart, making me thankful for the wonderful time we had together.

Please remember that it is totally normal to grieve the loss of a beloved pet, and through the care you offered to your companion animal over the time you shared together, you helped to make the world a better place for animals.