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Setbacks and Preparing for Poignant Dates and Anniversaries

As time progresses, and as the rawness of the initial shock and distress subsides, hopefully you will begin to feel more settled in your mind and heart about your loss. But it helps to be aware that certain things in daily life can suddenly trigger your emotions, causing floods of tears and/or feeling low. It can seem as if you’re right back at square one, but it’s most likely that

you’re having a temporary setback.

As previously described, the process can be like taking three steps forward and feeling good, then having to take two steps back, or three steps forward and one step back. Realize that despite these backwards movements, you are actually making progress.

Setbacks can occur soon after a loss or even a year or two later, when something seemingly small links you to a poignant memory and the emotions you felt at that time. Here are a couple of examples:

Just one bizarre moment hit me in the week, when my daughter gave the dogs some treats and took them down the garden. It reminded me of giving Bessie her last treats before taking her to the vet’s to be put to sleep. I almost broke down but told my wife how I felt, and this was the first time I felt able to talk about it with her. It’ll never leave me, but I feel I’m now divulging my feelings more openly.

Having asked my friend how she was coping after the recent death of her beloved collie, she told me about an unexpected setback she had experienced that morning:

I had the radio on while I was working and heard a lovely piece of music, which somehow touched a deep place in me. Suddenly, my mind went right back to being there on the living room floor, gently humming to Gracie as she was put to sleep. She had loved a particular tune since she was young, and so I’d wanted her to hear that as she slipped away, although my throat was so constricted by my emotions at the time, it was really difficult to hum it to her.

Hearing those beautiful notes on the radio took me back to that point of having to say goodbye to our lovely girl, and I found myself in floods of tears. Thankfully, the moment didn’t last too long, but it took me by surprise as it came out of the blue.

Often the best way to cope is to recognize and acknowledge that you’re experiencing a setback, accept that it is happening, and know that it will pass.

During bereavement, besides the unexpected triggers and setbacks, people often dread certain significant dates they have to face without their loved one. It can be especially poignant during the first year following a loss. This could be the first anniversary of the day they died, or having to get through what would normally be a happy occasion, such as a birthday or holiday, with Christmas often being a particularly difficult time.

To prepare for any such upcoming events, have a think about what you can do on that particular day. Create a plan to help you through what could otherwise be an upsetting time. You may find that doing something completely different helps, or going somewhere that you’ve never been before will get you through it. Or you may consciously choose to have some quiet time and be with your own thoughts and feelings, so you close the doors, switch your phone off, and spend time with your memories.

On such occasions people sometimes like to plan a little memorial for the one they loved and lost. The important thing is to do what you choose and in a way that feels right for you.