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Opening Your Heart and Home to Another Pet

I avidly read James Herriot’s books years ago, including his biography, and I seem to recall that he suggested to anyone grieving over the loss of their dog that it would help them to get another one soon. Today, this isn’t the advice that is given out, although it may work for some people. An acquaintance told me that when she lost her golden retriever some years back, she was on the phone to a retriever rescue organization within a couple of days, as she couldn’t bear to be without a dog. It worked well for her, but it’s certainly not the way to go for everyone.

Taking on another pet too soon may sometimes create a difficulty in bonding, which can be unfair on the new animal, which is trying to adapt to a new circumstance. A bereaved person who came to me for support was struggling to accept her new dog after the loss of a very special one. During our conversation it became clear that, on reflection, she hadn’t really felt ready to take on the new canine friend and, subsequently, it was difficult for her to bond. I believe she did in the end, but it created a rather bumpy start to their relationship.

Sometimes, however, things just seem to happen, and a new animal seems to land in your lap, as shown in my own story about a new puppy.

After losing our deeply loved Bobby, a three-legged terrier we rehomed from the RSPCA Dogs Home in Bristol, my husband and I were totally devastated. When, by chance, we heard about a puppy needing a new home, it somehow felt like fate was throwing us a lifeline. Feeling the desperate need for canine company and a strong instinct that we were meant to give this little dog a new home, we agreed to meet him.

The gorgeous puppy melted our hearts immediately—he was here to stay, although I confess that I’d already made my mind up before even meeting him!

There were difficulties and struggles initially, as is often the case, but this little chap was smart and learnt quickly. However, I do remember that during those early days together, I felt almost guilty and worried that my love for him didn’t run as deep as it had done for Bobby. It was when I took him to meet two of my dearest friends that this changed. One of them remarked that she could see how much we loved each other already. Somehow hearing this from someone else really helped me, and since then I’ve never looked back.

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Giving Yourself Time

There is no doubt that the death of a pet leaves a big hole in your life, which you may feel must be filled as soon as possible, like the person who desperately needed another golden retriever. However, let’s look at things to consider when making such an important decision.

As detailed earlier, the shock of bereavement often causes confusion and emotional turmoil, so it’s not an ideal time to make a life-changing decision. Allow yourself space to work through your grief, so that you can be sure that you’re not simply trying to make the pain go away by taking on another pet. Getting a new pet may help to ease your journey through grief, but if the timing isn’t right, or if you choose an animal purely on a reactionary basis, it could cause problems for you and, of course, for the new pet. You need to be as sure as you can so try not to rush into anything.

A Family Decision

Everyone in the family may not agree about what to do. Someone may say, “That’s it—never again!” because they feel that they simply couldn’t face ever loving and losing another pet for the rest of their life, as their current grief is so profoundly overwhelming. Obviously, this is difficult when other family members are desperate for another pet to love. Again, allow time for everyone to work through their grief before trying to make a collective decision.

Other Family Pets

There may be other pets to consider. Elderly animals may not take well to a youngster invading their territory, and survivors of a bonded group or pair could react badly if a new pet is introduced too quickly or without careful planning.

Knowing what to do, and when, is often a fine balancing act, as can be seen in my own story, which thankfully had a happy conclusion.

Sparky, my first beautiful cockatiel, became suddenly ill, and despite prompt veterinary treatment he died. I was heart-broken at losing such an amazing little character.

Primrose, his mate, of whom he had been highly protective, also seemed devastated. She’d perch on my shoulder, as she often did, but now with her head buried under my hair, as if she was trying to hide. It was heart-breaking, and it didn’t feel right to keep such a sociable species of bird without a mate, so I set out to find her another male of a similar age.

Primrose became very excited when she heard the distinctive call of a cockatiel coming from the pet carrier as I brought the new, carefully chosen bird into the house. However, when she realized that it wasn’t Sparky but a newcomer, she became alarmingly agitated, flying and pecking at the poor scared creature, who cowered in the carrier. At this point, I was worried about whether I had done the right thing, but my gut feeling told me that it would work out in time.

As it was, I had to keep them housed apart for a while to avoid transferring any underlying disease from the new bird, but I allowed them to see and hear each other from a safe distance.

By the time it was safe to let them both free in their room to meet properly they’d become more accustomed to the sight and sound of each other and thankfully it wasn’t too long before they became a strongly bonded pair.

If you’re unsure whether to offer a new pet a forever home consider things, such as:

When my parrot, Poppy, died in 2013, my husband wondered if I wanted to take on another rescue bird. I realized, however, that I wasn’t getting any younger, and parrots can live an incredibly long time. Somehow, I knew in my heart and mind that, after 30 or so years of caring for birds, it was the end of an era.

Naturally, I was shocked at her fairly sudden death and really missed my wonderful feathered friend, who’d been part of my life for so many years. It also took a while to adjust to being a non-bird household. As anyone who cares for birds will know, there is a lot of cleaning to do, and you need to dedicate much time and effort to keeping your avian friends safe, happy, and healthy. Much to my own surprise, I found that no longer having to do all this each day brought me spare time, which I eventually came to enjoy.

If you decide not to have another pet for the time being, don’t be surprised at how much you miss the warmth and companionship. I must admit that after the loss of my parrot, I took every opportunity to spend time with my friend’s two parrots and found myself nostalgically viewing all her avian entries on Facebook. To this day when my friend and I meet up for a chat, I still love hearing about their latest antics. However, despite missing my own avian companion, deep down I know that my decision was the right one.

I remember coming across someone else who, after recently losing her dog, had decided that it was time to bring her pet-caring era to a close.

It was twilight, and I was returning home after a long walk with Bobby, my little black-and-white cross-breed terrier. As we walked along the pavement, an older lady came towards us with an intense look in her eyes, focused on my dog. I was used to people showing an interest in Bobby, who had a real zest for life, because they often wanted to stop me to admire him and remark on how well he got around on his three legs.

We stopped to say hello, and she was soon completely absorbed in fussing over Bobby, who happily obliged by wagging his tail and gazing at her with his shiny, bright eyes. She wanted to know all about him, how he’d lost his back leg, how old he was, where he’d come from, and so on.

We stood and talked for ages, and she explained that she’d lost her own dog just a few weeks earlier and was desperate for some canine “conversation”. She told me that she’d worked with rescue dogs when she was younger and said, “When you see someone like me, you need to understand that they may have recently lost their dog and really need some doggy time.”

She was obviously knowledgeable about dogs, and it came out in conversation that as well as working at a high level in animal welfare and rescue, she had shared her home with many dogs over the years. But now in her maturing years, she didn’t feel it was right to take on another dog.

The encounter seemed to lift her spirits, and as Bobby and I continued on our walk I felt a renewed sense of how fortunate I was at having such a wonderful canine companion in my life. However, I haven’t forgotten the depth of sadness and longing in that lady’s eyes. I suspect that although she’d decided she wouldn’t have another dog herself, she will have continued to have her “canine conversations” by volunteering in some capacity.

Volunteering

I do sometimes suggest volunteering to bereaved people, as it affords an opportunity to be involved in caring for animals without the responsibility of personal guardianship. Many organizations depend on the regular support of their volunteers, and it can be satisfying to give one’s time in this way. There are many options, such as dog walking, fostering pets for people who are unwell or in hospital, or transporting animals to the vet if the guardians are unable to do so themselves. There may be opportunities at your local animal sanctuary, involving hands-on work, raising funds, helping at events, or becoming a board member. If you’re able to commit to helping out on a regular basis, you’ll no doubt be made most welcome.

Feelings of Guilt

Although there is a chapter dedicated to “Coping with Guilt” earlier in the book, it’s worth a mention here, because people can feel guilty whether they decide to have another pet or not.

For example, you may decide you want another pet, but you feel it’s disrespectful to the one you’ve lost. If this is the case, consider the love and care you have to offer, and the value of giving another companion animal the chance of a happy life that otherwise, it may never have.

If you decide not to take on another pet, try to work out why that is the best decision, so that your mind is clear. Sometimes it can be financial reasons, which are entirely valid; sometimes it’s time, circumstances, age, or family commitments. It may be that you need freedom from the responsibility that caring for a pet brings, or you simply cannot face the emotional turmoil of loving and losing another beloved companion animal in the foreseeable future. Whatever the reason, remember that it’s valid for you, and that is what counts.

As I said earlier, when my parrot died, I somehow knew it was better not to take on another because of the time and energy it would need, which I realized I would increasingly struggle to muster in the years to come.

Looking at Practical Issues

If you do decide to open your heart and home to a new pet, take time to think about some of the practical issues. For example, what age and type of pet will work best with your current and future lifestyle? To help you to think about this, you may want to consider the following scenario:

Emily Brown, a widow of many years, is now in her late seventies. She’s still fairly fit and loves to walk every day, although she has some arthritis that slows her down these days. In fact, her doctor has mentioned surgery for her knee at some point in the future.

Sadly, she’s desperately missing her Border collie, Bess, who died recently at the age of 15 years. Like all her previous collies, she’d cared for Bess right from puppyhood and had brought her up to be a well-adjusted and happy dog.

Her grown-up children and grandchildren can see how lonely she is and want to buy her another Border collie puppy, which they feel sure will lift her spirits—after all, a puppy is bound to lift anyone’s spirits! However, Emily last took on a puppy 15 years ago, when she herself was that much younger. She’d love another dog and, although with her knowledge and experience of dogs she knows she is capable of offering one a good home, she is aware that as she herself hits 80, she may not have the energy and fitness needed to be able to care for such a young and active breed.

Would Emily be better placed to consider an older dog—maybe a different breed that is less energetic and particularly fond of lazing around on the settee? Or perhaps she might even consider a different type of pet to accompany her through her mature years?

The friend mentioned in the opening chapter of this book is now in her late seventies. She has always been a great animal lover and has had dogs and cats throughout much of her adult life. When she sadly lost her beautiful golden retriever, she realized in all honesty that although she’s currently incredibly fit and healthy for her age, she could no longer comfortably guarantee life-long care for another canine.

She told me that she may take on an older cat in need of a loving home, but in the meantime, she finds herself happily busy helping friends and neighbours with their pets. In fact, she now has to turn people away because she gets so booked up dog-sitting for people when they go away on holiday.

Her realistic and down-to-earth approach enabled her to make the best decision for her advancing years, while still enjoying plenty of canine company without the long-term commitment and responsibility.

Bonding with a New Pet

It can be challenging taking on a new pet at any time, especially when the animal has behavioural issues or they have much to learn because they are young.

It’s easy to think, “Oh no, what on earth have I done?” as the full realization of responsibility hits home.

Taking on a pet shortly after a significant pet loss can be particularly daunting. After all, you were used to your previous pet’s numerous endearing little ways and traits, and had an ease in communicating that meant you didn’t always need to say anything; you could read their expressions and body language, and they could pick up on yours. This comfortable and familiar companionship is naturally part of what is missed when a beloved pet dies.

If you’ve recently taken on a new pet but are finding it difficult to bond, please remember that it takes time to build a relationship. Trust needs to be engendered, and you have to get to know each other. You may find that you’re comparing them to the animal you’ve recently lost, or that it isn’t as easy to love the new animal as you thought it would be.

My suggestion is to allow yourself and your new pet the time you both need to adjust and settle in. Take the pressure off yourself and your pet. Try to relax and just be yourself and let your new companion find their feet.

This is a crucial time for the pet, so focus on giving them the care they need, even if you don’t yet feel that “special something” with them. Keep trying to see things from the animal’s point of view. They need to feel comfortable and secure, but there will be much for them to get used to as they learn how to adapt to the new circumstance they find themselves in.

The love and connection will develop over time, as you get to know and trust each other. And as you continue to journey through your grief, you will find that your new companion begins to bring joy and friendship into your life. In the meantime, know that you’re doing something of account by offering another animal a safe, forever home—so many are in need.

To conclude this chapter, here is a story about Mark and his family, who took on a rescue dog after the devastating loss of their beloved Border collie, Jess. Jess was clearly a very special canine companion, who brought much joy to her human family. Mark is very experienced in dog agility, and thoroughly enjoys working with his charges to bring out their natural talents and intelligence.

When Jess first arrived she had a number of phobias; for example, someone coughing, sneezing, or laughing loudly would cause her to cower on the floor, as if someone had attacked her. But when she was introduced to the agility ring, Mark could see she was a “natural”, and her intelligence shone through. She soon learnt to trust Mark and would happily take commands from him and no one else.

The family also had a Welsh Border collie called Meg, and although she was only a year older, she happily adopted the newcomer as her sibling. Mark noticed how Meg seemed to bring Jess out of the stress she‘d endured as a puppy by introducing her into the wonderful world of natural canine play, further strengthening the bond between the two dogs.

Sadly, Jess suffered seizures, which were upsetting for everyone, including Meg, who, clearly distressed by seeing her friend go through these, became highly protective when Jess was in seizure mode.

What followed was an incredibly difficult time. The family did all they could for Jess, but everything seemed surreal during the multiple trips to the vet hospital for tests and treatment, which was by then amounting to £180 per month.

Despite all the care and medical attention, the seizures increased. Mark described how awful it was to witness poor Jess going through six seizures a day, at which point the family knew the only option for their beloved dog was euthanasia.

When Mark first sought bereavement support, the family had already taken on another rescue dog called Max, a New Zealand huntaway. The inspiration in this story is that they welcomed Max into their home in memory of their beloved Jess, giving him a second chance in life, knowing that their new charge also came with many issues and would be a real challenge.

Since first getting in touch, Mark has reported that Max has gently but surely learnt to trust them and done increasingly well in the agility ring. The latest report showed Max coming fourth out of 66 dogs!

But Max isn’t the only winner in this story. Max may never reach the heights that Jess did in agility, but for Mark and his family, having him to focus on and care for continues to help them find their way through the trail of deep grief that was left by the loss of their beloved Jess.

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