Shall we date?

Relationships are difficult. Finding a person you like, a person that likes you, with whom you can be together, is difficult with our current lifestyle.  We work a lot. We almost don’t even have time for ourselves, so imagine having a partner!

I was thirty when, because of work, I moved to the United States. I was born in Spain, very near to Cadiz, in a place called Tarifa. Five years have already gone by since I have come to Chicago to work as an architect for an important architectural firm. Even though I am Andalusian, I have spent a big chunk of my life away from my beautiful Andalusia, in Madrid for example, where I studied for my career.

As I was saying, I think that these days having a partner and ending up “happy ever after” is very complicated, or, as my American friends say over here, “until death do us part”. I have been dating a girl named Sarah for a year and things are going very well, but my first years in the States were a true romantic disaster. The reality is that our dating, relationship and love cultures are, in general, very different. 

To begin with, women over thirty in the States are much freer and more independent than in Spain. In Spain, a woman that has turned thirty is under a lot of pressure to start a family. I think this is because we are a traditional catholic country that is barely starting to change. Here in Chicago, a thirty year old woman is ambitious and wants to fight for her professional career as much as she needs to. At least that’s what my first girlfriend here, Anne, told me. We only lasted two weeks! We went to the cinema three times and twice for dinner, and she left me because thinking of me distracted her while in the office! The truth is that the poor thing had a very stressful job: she was a lawyer.

My second fling in Chicago turned out to be completed different. I met Christine at a museum and I really liked her. She was beautiful, clever, funny and a school teacher. Then, what was the problem? The problem is that in Spain people normally date for a few years before exchanging the “I do”.  We had only been dating for two months when Christine introduced me to her whole family, who lived a hundred kilometres away from the city, during a family birthday celebration. A week later she began to cry at the end of dinner: she thought I was going to propose to her! Her family was very traditional and had told her that when a guy wanted to meet your parents it was because he wanted to marry you. I never wanted to hurt her, but I broke it off the day after.

Another thing that I found very funny with regards to the romantic culture of the States was how very important first impressions are over here, and of course, first dates. In Spain, we generally prefer something informal on the first date, to get to know each other, to speak comfortably…  Of course, we men always want to “impress” girls, and girls always get dolled up and wear something special for us. I have friends in the States that are experts on first dates, real professionals; I never would have imagined myself giving flowers, a box of chocolates or a gift on a first date until I lived here! 

If you take the big step and marry a girl from the States, you will see that weddings are very different over here. I’m still unmarried, but I have attended a few of my friends’ weddings. There are certain things that are essential over here: a princess-like wedding dress, a very well prepared banquet, a religious ceremony... In Spain, it was also like that up to a few years ago, but we now prefer more moderate banquets. In Spain, the ceremony usually takes place in a church or in the bride’s hometown community hall. Do you know what really surprised me over here? There are a lot of themed weddings! In Spain, that is a concept that barely exists, but this way a wedding is much more fun. I also love it when there is a flashmob during a wedding. Do you know what that is? It’s a dance with a funny choreography prepared by the couple’s friends for the celebration to surprise them.

Something that also surprised me is that in the US groups of friends meet up every now and then, but female and male groups of friends do not mix with each other. I mean, in Spain the most normal thing is that you have more or less biggish group of friends with plenty of guys and girls in them. What’s more, as it happened to me, it is very normal that your best friend is a girl rather than a guy, with whom you share your secrets, your love stories, etc. However, in the States, even though I have both male and female friends, the most common thing is for girls to form their own group. It seems they are more comfortable amongst other girls; and God only knows what they say about us! The truth is that we probably deserve it. 

I don’t think I will get married anytime soon, but I think I have finally found in Sarah the perfect American girl. Dating and falling in love came easily with her, and it was also fun: she could not stop laughing along with this amusing Spaniard who always did things that were somehow a bit strange but nevertheless very romantic.  

If you ever live in the United States, I will give you some advice with regards to what girls like over here. The first date, as I said, is very important. You have to impress them by taking them to a fun and nice place, if possible, somewhere they like. Afterwards, if you like the girl, the best thing is to take things slowly. It is normal to go out for a few months before formally considering her your “girlfriend” or partner.  Once you are a couple, the best thing is to start doing typical American things together, this way you will learn even more about her culture. Lastly, if you decide she is the girl of your life, and you want to marry her, do not hesitate to go all out on the proposal. An engagement ring is essential to win your girl over; there are even standards on how much it should cost, based on your salary! 

Thank God I am still far from that moment, because I am hopeless with these things and I fear I might ruin everything! Wish me luck…