After Officer Dash saw herself out, I threw on a worn pair of jeans and a fresh t-shirt from my laundry basket, popped another pod into my coffee maker, and waited for it to brew. Before it even had a chance to finish, Merlin came racing in through the pet door, a cat possessed.
“Come, there’s no time to waste!” he shouted, running laps around the kitchen with his tail flat.
“What’s the matter?” I choked out. I may have started getting used to the idea that my cat could talk, but I was still having a hard time following his dramatics.
He stopped in place, fell over onto his side, and yowled. “Wrong! Now we’re both dead.”
“Dead? What?”
“A familiar should always be in tune with her witch. A quick response could very well be the difference between life and death, between freedom and capture,” he lectured from his place on the floor.
I rubbed at my eyes. “You’ve gotta give me some time to catch up here. And to wake up a little.”
Merlin hung his head and let out a dry laugh. “I chose poorly. Of course, I did.”
“Insulting me isn’t going to help me learn any faster,” I pointed out as the last drips of coffee landed in my cup with a plop and a plip. “By the way, when do I get magic?”
Merlin’s laugh came on loud and hysterical as he rolled from side to side on the linoleum kitchen floor. “Magic! You? Hoo, that’s a good one. Thanks, I needed that laugh.”
“It’s not a joke. You forced me into whatever this is, the least you could do is make it worth my while.”
“Oh, my dear sweet human…”
“Gracie,” I reminded him. “I have a name, use it.”
“Gracie,” he spat out, then wrinkled his nose unkindly. “Would you be open to changing that?”
I scowled at Merlin as he dragged himself to his feet.
“Fine, Gracie, it is. And, no, you don’t get magic. That’s not a familiar’s role.”
He was proving to be even more tiresome than Officer Dash this morning. “Then what do you even need me for?”
“In addition to your previous duties of filling my food bowl and cleaning my kitty box, it is now up to you to be my face.”
I stared at him deadpan.
“What part of that was a problem?” Merlin asked, tilting his head to the side.
I crossed my arms over my chest and sighed. “What do you mean by be your face? That makes zero sense. You already have a face.”
“I can explain by sharing a story. Once there was this ugly guy with a long nose. He loved a gorgeous lady, but was worried she would reject him, so he struck a deal with a brainless pretty boy to—”
“Are you telling me the story of Cyrano de Bergerac right now?”
“Oh, good, so you know it.”
“And in this scenario, I’m your…” I raised my fingers in air quotes. “Brainless pretty boy.”
“Sure. I mean you’re a little better than brainless and a little worse than pretty, but it averages out.”
“Sorry, I can’t deal with this right now.” I grabbed my fresh cup of coffee and marched toward my room, ready to slam the door in his face.
Merlin trailed behind me, too fast for me to shut out without spilling my precious coffee along the way. “I’m sorry. I forget how sensitive you humans are about things like that. I chose you because I believe you have what it takes.”
“To be the brainless face of your operations?” I asked with a growl.
But Merlin either didn’t pick up on my ire or chose to ignore it. “Exactly. I’m so glad you understand now.”
“I’m sorry, but I have bigger plans for my life than that.”
Merlin’s eyes glistened with mischief. “What plans? Tell me, and I can make them happen.”
I stared at him quizzically, afraid to ask for more.
“You don’t have magic, but I do. Remember? Being a familiar is an important job, but not a thankless one. Many of the famous folks in your human history were secretly familiars.”
I crossed my arms and glared at him. “Really? Like who?”
“Well, consider my namesake,” he said with a smile stretched wide between his whiskers.
I balked at this. “Merlin. The wizard?”
“Ha, he wishes! The Merlin you humans know about was actually the familiar for an extremely powerful cat witch. His name was also Merlin, which makes it a bit confusing. The human Merlin wished to achieve power and fame in exchange for aiding his cat. But he became greedy and self-important, which is why the real Merlin cursed him to age backward. Meanwhile, he found a much more suitable familiar in a new human called Arthur. He only wanted power and prestige in the human world, which was much easier for my great ancestor to cope with.”
“So Merlin was a fraud and King Arthur was just somebody’s familiar?” I summed up.
“There’s no just about it. Familiars are incredibly important. We witches do what we have to in order to keep you happy.”
I raised an eyebrow in question.
“So could I be the next Lady Gaga?”
“That would take some talent. You may not have been born that way, but I can sure make it happen.” Merlin paused and flexed his paws. “Is that what you want?”
“No, it was just a hypothetical,” I rushed to explain.
“Careful then, because wishes that size only come around once. There’s a lot of small stuff I can do on the regular, but truly life-changing alterations are a one-time deal.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I promised, still not quite believing all this.
“As you should.” Merlin appeared to be satisfied now. “Come. Let’s begin.”