Jess looked beautiful in her black fitted-suit and veiled pillar box hat. Her swan-shaped crystal brooch caught the light and glistened momentarily as she strode confidently to the front of the church. She held her head high and cleared her throat.
A swan swam across my heart today
I felt its beautiful wings touch my soul
It’s going to nest there now
A loving creature to draw strength upon
Her voice began to wobble. ‘Sam, you are and always will be my swan.’
She walked back to stand with her family and held Freya’s hand tightly. She had to remain strong for their gorgeous little girl today. She even managed to belt out Sam’s favorite hymn ‘Jerusalem’ at the top of her voice.
Hope ushered everyone in through her large hallway to her spacious living room. Jess had been strangely comforted at just how many people had been at the church. She knew Sam was a popular man, but the number, mainly women, who attended his funeral, surprised even her. It seemed weird that just a short time ago, most of these same people were here celebrating her birthday, and it made her realise again just how precious life was.
She wondered who on earth would have a grudge against them, enough to endanger their lives. She tried to put this thought to the back of her mind. She had to get through today and then she could worry about that.
She could then also concentrate on the massive decision of where she and Freya would live. Sam would obviously have made sure they were insured but, with an investigation going on, she had no idea how long it would take to get the money through and the house rebuilt.
Hope had taken control of organising the wake, ably assisted by Jack-the-Lad. Young male waiting staff dressed in smart black T-shirts and trousers attended everybody’s needs.
‘Only Hope could manage this.’ Jess smiled to herself. She poured herself a large glass of wine and looked for Freya. She was happily playing outside with Annabel and Laura. She noticed the nosey village set, eating their way through the buffet and gossiping in the corner. One of them apprehended Charlie as she walked by. ‘Your poor mother, such a dreadful loss.’
‘Yes, we are all going to miss my dad very much,’ Charlie answered. She walked over to Jess and put her arm around her shoulder. ‘Hey, Jess, how you holding up?’
‘I’ll be glad when everyone goes home to be honest,’ Jess replied weakly. ‘Don’t they say that once the funeral is over you can start moving forward?’
‘I’m missing him already,’ Charlie said bluntly. ‘He should be here, charming his guests as usual.’ Tears pricked her eyes.
‘Is Dan here?’ Jess enquired. ‘I didn’t notice him in the church.’
‘Yeah, he’s here. He stood at the back. I said he was stupid, but he said he didn’t feel right standing with the family. He’s just parking his car up the road, as the drive is so packed.’
This was the first time that Jess had actually thought of Dan since she waved goodbye to him at the cottage. She was so glad that she had made the decision to stay with Sam, and that the last night she had had with him had been so loving. He would have died knowing that he was forgiven and she wanted to be with him. She wanted his eldest daughter to know this too. ‘I made peace with your dad before he died, Charlie. I realised that I did want to spend the rest of my life with him. Sod’s law, his big bloody heart had to give out.’
Charlotte smiled through her sadness. ‘I’m so pleased, Jess. You must feel better for that?’
‘I do. Are you staying tonight by the way?’
‘Yes, I can actually stay for as long as you want me too. I’ve taken a week off work, so if you want me to hang around until you’ve sorted yourself out a bit I’m happy to. Dan and I came in separate cars, as he has got to leave early for work in the morning.’
‘Thanks, Charlie, I appreciate that. Now go and get yourself a drink.’
Jess took a deep breath as she saw Dan approaching her. She noticed how handsome he looked in his black suit and tie. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and she was sure she noticed tears in his eyes.
‘Hey, Jessy, what a shitter.’
She laughed quietly at him. ‘Only you, Dan, could come out with something like that.’
‘I’m here for you, Jess,’ he hesitated. ‘As a friend that is, and I mean that.’ He lovingly put his hand on her shoulder. Jess was touched by his sincerity. She thought it was weird, the different reactions death caused. It did make everything else pale into insignificance. She had always been a fixer of the attitude that there was a solution to everything in life. But death was one thing that not one person had any power over. Sam was gone, gone forever. No second chances to say goodbye. De nada. Nothing. Extinct. Obsolete. Gone.
‘Come and see us soon,’ her dad said as he started walking to the taxi that Jess had arranged for him and Maria. Even though she had already said goodbye once, she ran over to him again and gave him a big hug and a kiss. ‘I love you both very much, now look after yourselves.’ She gave Maria a kiss on the cheek.
‘We will do,’ Maria replied shakily.
After about three hours, everyone, apart from the main crew who were staying at Hope’s had left. ‘I’m exhausted,’ Jess said, and flopped down on one of Hope’s big sofas.
‘Let’s get drunk,’ Karl suggested.
‘Oh I’m not sure,’ Phoebe added sensibly.
‘Yes, let’s,’ Hope retorted. ‘There’s loads of wine left.’
‘Have you got any Stella?’ Dan piped up which made Jess smile. She stood up.
‘I’m just going to check on Freya and then I’ll be right down. Can someone pour me a large glass of red please?’
She walked slowly upstairs. She had put Freya to bed earlier, and tried to explain again that her daddy had gone to see the angels. She pushed open the bedroom door quietly. Annabel was reading quietly with a torch under her covers. Jess mouthed hello and smiled at her. She kissed her sleeping child on the cheek. Freya stirred and said sleepily, ‘Is Daddy still seeing the angels, Mummy?’
‘Yes he is, darling girl. Now you go to sleep ,’ she whispered.
Jess closed the door behind her, stood on the landing, and began to sob until she didn’t think she could possibly cry anymore. Phoebe, realising Jess had been gone a long time, went up in search of her. ‘Oh, Jessy darling, come here.’ She took her grief-stricken sister in her arms.
‘What am I going to do?’ Jess wailed.
‘It’s OK, we’re all here to help you,’ Phoebe soothed. Everything is going to be alright, I promise you.’
‘God, I wish Mum was here,’ Jess said quietly, almost crushing her sister.
‘So do I.’ Phoebe was now crying too.
Jess, suddenly back in fixer mode, pulled herself together. ‘Right, well we’re not going to get anything done grizzling our eyes out on the bloody landing are we?’ She grabbed her sister’s hand. ‘Now, let’s go downstairs and get pissed.’
Between them Jess, Phoebe, Glen, Hope, Jack-the-Lad, Karl, Shelly, Charlie, and Dan managed to polish off ten bottles of wine. After their seventh rendition of ‘Angels’ they all decided that bed was the only option and staggered up the stairs. Jess bumped into Charlie outside the bathroom. She kissed her stepmother on the cheek. ‘Dad would have been very proud of you today, Jess.’
‘Thanks for saying that, Charlie, you weren’t half bad yourself.’
‘Goodnight,’ they both slurred in unison.
Jess had been in bed about half an hour when she heard a light tapping on her door. Despite being drunk, she had so much running through her mind that she just couldn’t sleep.
‘Yes,’ she said quietly.
‘Budge up, Mrs. Robinson.’
The room was pitch black, but she instantly recognised the delectable smell that was Daniel Harris.
‘What about Charlie?’ Jess whispered.
‘She’s sound asleep,’ Dan whispered back.
He found her lips and Jess kissed him back passionately. Her breathing fastened. They explored each other in silence, bringing each other to heights that only they could reach together. Jess felt no guilt. To make love to someone, whom she knew now loved her so much, seemed somehow right at this moment in time. Life was short.