3
Understanding Some of the Whys
Few of us choose to put ourselves in hard places. In fact, we spend most of our lives trying to avoid them. We look for ways to do things easier, faster, and more efficiently. Shortcuts are coveted. And we look to eliminate the hard parts of most jobs by finding a trick or tip to help.
But what if all that search for ease does us a disservice?
What if rather than looking for the easy way out we should be pressing in to the hard places of life? Could it be that we’re actually weakening our resolve to face life’s challenges? Both those that are big and life-changing, and those that are small and everyday.
I’ve seen this in my life as I’ve uncovered my underlying desire for comfort, which affects my ability to achieve my goals. This truth about my comfort-seeking self was first revealed to me a few years ago, when I got overly ambitious and signed up for a cardio training class at a mixed martial arts gym. My three teenage sons and husband were taking classes there, and there was a part of me that wanted their affirmation. I wanted to prove to them and myself that I could do it too. And since, as you now know, I have an aversion to exercise, I hoped to be motivated by them.
So I bought some new tennis shoes and some comfortable trendy workout clothes and started with enthusiasm. However, it was quickly apparent I had too high expectations of myself. I began to think I should have started with something more my speed—like walking to the mailbox.
A month into my exercise program I wanted to quit. On days when we had class I woke up absolutely dreading it. And since the class started at 5:00 p.m., these were very long days.
With the encouragement of my family, I pressed on and ignored my body’s protests. But each week I discovered a new pain somewhere in my body; my shins, knees, and arms all groaned with the discomfort of being woken so roughly from their sedentary state.
During one grueling exercise class a few months in, the instructor had us do a lower back exercise. At the first twinge of pain, I stopped. I knew that some pain could be dangerous, and I didn’t want to continue something that could do damage to my back. The instructor noticed, and stooped down to my level with a questioning look on his face. “It hurts,” I whispered, not wanting to draw attention to my weakness.
“I know,” he answered. “This exercise is going to strengthen your back. Stop when you need to rest, but try it again. And each time, hold it just a little bit longer.”
My first instinct was to stop when I first felt pain. I already didn’t want to be there, and when I sensed an excuse I went for it. My self-protection instinct was fully engaged.
But the fitness instructor knew something I didn’t. Or at least something I didn’t want to admit: in order to get stronger, I had to experience the pain. I wished there was another way. I didn’t want to feel discomfort. I wanted the end results without putting in the work.
That class was a perfect picture of how I face discomfort in most areas of my life. I’m sorry to admit that my instincts to avoid pain or discomfort have often kept me from achieving goals in my life. Maybe you’ve experienced this regret too. This happens partly because it’s difficult to differentiate the pain we should avoid, like getting burned from touching a stove, and the kind of pain that makes us stronger. Pain just seems like pain—something to run from, something to avoid.
Which is why many of us find ourselves procrastinating things that will cause us some measure of pain.
Pain seems to be a common side effect anytime we try to strengthen an area of our lives. And for most of us, that pain is emotional rather than physical. We avoid facing tasks, tackling projects, and addressing issues that are hard or would cause some measure of discomfort. As I mentioned before, it can be complicated to uncover the discomfort we are avoiding. But when I’m honest with myself, and do some digging, it’s there.
Life Wasn’t Meant to Be Easy
A big part of my procrastination problem stems from choosing ease over discomfort in most things. Yet I’ve come to understand and believe, in the deepest parts of myself, that life wasn’t meant to be easy.
My previous view of life was to find ways to snuggle in where it’s safe and to bring my family along with me. Minimize risks and play it smart. Find my comfort zone and stay there.
But that’s not where Jesus is. When He came to earth, He didn’t hide out where it was safe. He didn’t choose His words carefully, trying to be politically correct. He didn’t go where people expected Him to go or hang out with the “right” people. In fact, Jesus pretty much did the opposite of what people expected of Him. And none of it was “smart,” “safe,” or “comfortable.”
So why were those things my life goals?
As hard as it is, I’m facing the weak parts of my life and character and realizing the only way to get stronger is to put myself in situations where it “hurts.” There is no other way. The only way to strengthen muscles—and the only way to strengthen character and self-regulation—is to face resistance. Then face it again. And face it again.
Resistance Makes Us Stronger
As we dig deep into what we are resisting by procrastinating, it actually gets easier to press into the discomfort when we realize we are getting stronger.
By avoiding discomfort, I weaken my resolve. But by facing resistance, I strengthen it. The book Born to Run offers a brilliant example of how resistance actually makes us stronger. The author, Christopher McDougall, set out to discover why his foot hurt. It was a simple question that led him to the world of distance runners worldwide—from Tarahumara Indians in Mexico’s Copper Canyons to Kenyans to American ultra-marathoners running hundreds of miles.
The journey was fascinating, even to this non-runner, as McDougall uncovered the biological reasons we were designed to run and how modern understanding and habits have changed that.
One eye-opening section focused on our feet and the revelation that human beings were designed to run without shoes. And the more shoe manufacturers have put support in their shoes, convincing us we need it, the weaker our feet and ankles have become.
McDougall interviewed a number of experts, one of them Dr. Gerald Hartmann, a physical therapist and expert on long-distance running. Hartmann said, “The deconditioned musculature of the foot is the greatest issue leading to injury, and we’ve allowed our feet to become badly deconditioned over the past twenty-five years.” He continued, “Just look at the architecture. . . . Your foot’s centerpiece is the arch, the greatest weight-bearing design ever created. The beauty of any arch is the way it gets stronger under stress; the harder you push down, the tighter its parts mesh. No stonemason worth his trowel would ever stick a support under an arch: push up from underneath, and you weaken the whole structure.”[1]
When I read that, I had two huge aha moments. The first was a personal aha. Growing up in Phoenix, I went barefoot most of the year. And I’ve always worn flat sandals, even for a long day at an amusement park. For years my husband had told me I needed to wear tennis shoes. Finally, I was justified! In fact, I was almost giddy. You can imagine my joy at reading him section after section of that book.
The other aha moment applied to my continuing lesson of pressing in to what is most challenging in life: my personal search for ease has weakened my resolve when facing difficulty. It made so much sense. Just as we can weaken our feet and ankles by supporting them, we weaken our internal strength by avoiding resistance.
Here’s the hard part: no one else can do this for us. We are the only ones who can strengthen our resolve and our self-regulation skills. And we do it by addressing our weak areas and facing them bravely.
The Bible has a promise for us when we discipline ourselves: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Heb. 12:11).
As I’ve faced my reasons for procrastinating, avoiding discipline plays a large part. Whether it’s addressing a lifelong dream, forgiving someone who has hurt me, or cleaning my house when I’d rather be watching TV, life can be painful. I have to face potential hurt, discomfort, and challenge. However, when I consider that I’m getting stronger, it helps me push through many painful experiences in my life.
Plus, as a follower of Jesus, my life doesn’t hold the promise of ease. In fact, it can contain quite the opposite. Much of what God asks me to do pushes me past my comfort zone. But the rewards, like the harvest of righteousness and peace mentioned in Hebrews 12, are powerful motivators.
Although our aversion to discomfort is a large reason behind why we procrastinate, it’s not the only one. There are some significant cultural changes that have made it very difficult for women to get things done. One of the most challenging is the shift of responsibility in communication I mentioned briefly in the first chapter. I think it’s worth understanding in greater depth.
Shift of Responsibility
When I was young, we had a house phone. Just one.
There was no answering machine or call waiting. So if you tried to call my mother and my sister was talking to a friend, you got a busy signal. So you tried again another time. In fact, you kept trying until someone answered. Or maybe you’d come over if it was important, or wait until your path crossed hers.
The burden to communicate was on the one with the need or the question. My, how times have changed.
With the advent of technology that keeps us interconnected in ways not imagined by generations before us, the burden to communicate has shifted. The weight of responsibility has passed from the communicator to the recipient dozens, if not hundreds, of times a day.
Now you email me and it’s my job to respond.
You text me, and I had better text back.
Every day there are people wanting to communicate with me. And they happily pass the ball to me and wait. Through emails, texts, phone calls, private messages, and social media, communication bombards my day and redirects my attention.
This daily avalanche of information and input drastically impacts our ability to get things done. As our lives are increasingly open to input from others, it’s getting harder to identify our priorities.
I might start the day with a clear plan for what I want to accomplish, when a ding interrupts my thoughts. I know I should just keep working, but then my phone dings again. (It’s like my phone nags me if I don’t immediately check the new text.) Reading the text, I see it’s a message from a coworker who asks if I’ve seen the email she just sent me.
Putting my project aside, I respond to her text, letting her know I’ll look now. Then I open my email to respond. As I do, I see twelve more emails have arrived. And they aren’t junk mail.
The priorities that seemed so clear just minutes prior are now muddy. What should I do? Return to the project? Answer the emails?
This is just a snapshot of what happens in our homes and offices every day. People’s expectation of a prompt response is increasing. We’re becoming more impatient with delays, especially when we want an answer.
As our interconnectedness increases, this shift in responsibility to communicate is making us reactive rather than proactive. Which greatly affects our ability to manage our workload and get things done in a timely fashion.
The more my life is directed by the demands of others, the less able I am to manage my responsibilities. And not only manage them but even identify them.
When I objectively evaluate the demands on my time, it becomes obvious that I spend the best parts of my day on other people’s priorities. True, I do have people I choose to give my time and energy to—I’m a wife, mother, and employee. These are assignments given to me by God, and there are people whose needs are joyfully my priority.
But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m referring to the needs and questions that don’t have to be responded to immediately. Even from those people whom I love the most. There are even some demands that aren’t mine to handle but my high sense of responsibility prompts me to react.
For most of us, it is ingrained to respond immediately. We can picture the person who texted us watching their phone for a response. Hence the number of us with phones at the ready all hours of the day.
People-Pleasing Problems
This reactionary approach to life is a problem we must address if we are going to face the issue of procrastination and overloaded schedules. The solution is empowering and simple, but very hard for those who struggle with people-pleasing. Most of us don’t want to offend others, and this need to please at times drives us to make poor choices, choices that negatively impact our priorities.
Lysa TerKeurst, author of The Best Yes, puts it this way: “We are afraid of people not liking us. Not admiring us. Not being pleased with us. So we spend the best of who we are doing a million things we know we aren’t supposed to be doing.”[2]
While there are always demanding people in our lives, sometimes the most unrealistic demands come from inside our own heads. Many times I’ve twisted myself into knots trying to achieve what I thought someone wanted, only to realize they didn’t have such high expectations after all.
My deepest fear when it comes to people-pleasing is that others will think I’m not capable. I so want to do things right and for others to respect my work that I will spend the best parts of myself on projects for other people and neglect my personal goals and priorities.
We Struggle to Identify Our True Priorities
Honestly, as my life becomes more interconnected with others, these others have more opportunities to speak into my life, and it’s getting harder even to figure out exactly what those priorities are. Am I supposed to stay focused on my work, or stop it to help you? I think of the story of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10, where Jesus honors the one who put aside his agenda to help another. But that help met a very significant need.
There will always be new demands rising to the top of our to-do list, giving us a reason to delay tackling our own agenda. Some women are so used to helping others they don’t even know what God’s priorities are for them.
I’m always having to rein myself in and reevaluate my priorities. In fact, I do this weekly, and I’ll explain that more in a later chapter. But for now, perhaps a series of questions I ask myself will help you if you struggle with knowing your priorities. These would be good questions to write in a journal or notebook and answer during the next week. To answer them effectively, take time to pray before you start. Open your heart to hear the Lord and His voice. Quiet your heart and just listen. Then ask yourself:
1) What Can Only I Do?
There are some jobs in my life no one else can do. For example, no one else can nurture my personal faith in God. I am the only wife my husband has. God has given me five children to mother. Plus, no one else can eat the right foods or exercise for me. Those four areas of life (plus a few others) are no-brainers and will always be at the top of my priority list.
2) What Has God Entrusted to Me?
We’ve all been entrusted with something—a certain amount of money, a home, talents, and intelligence. Some of us have paid jobs and volunteer responsibilities.
3) Am I a Good Steward of What I Already Have?
This is where I do a painful assessment of reality. How am I doing with what God has already given me? Are my finances a wreck? Have I neglected my husband? Have I honored my parents? God is always watching to see how I’m doing with what He’s already given me. When He sees I manage things well, He entrusts me with more. When I’m neglectful, the opposite happens.
4) What Passion (or Dream) Has God Put in My Heart?
Perhaps this dream is buried in your heart—but it’s there. When we submit to God’s plans for our lives, and those dreams don’t contradict His Word or character, we can be confident God placed those dreams in our heart for a reason.
5) What Has God Asked Me to Do That I Haven’t Done Yet?
This is where things get touchy for a procrastinator. It’s likely there are items we’ve put off that God has called us to do. This moves our procrastination into the realm of disobedience.
I once heard this statement: “Old orders are standing orders.” Meaning if God asked you to do something years ago, and didn’t revise the directions, He still expects you to do it. It’s never too late to be obedient.
Overwhelmed and Overloaded
Another reason many of us procrastinate is overload. We simply can’t do it all. It’s not that we are lazy. Many women bothered by procrastination are productive in most areas of their lives. They love making lists and checking things off. They are accomplishment-oriented.
And the need to achieve is strong.
So when faced with the choice between an easy accomplishment (and another item checked off a to-do list) or a harder, more demanding task (something that would require facing a weakness), we take the easier route, thereby satisfying that achievement need.
The need to achieve can lead us to our best work or busy work. The challenge is knowing which is which. And that is where we must depend on God to give us direction.
I’ve met some women who are highly successful in business and yet can’t seem to get things done around the house. I’ve also met women who are wildly creative and can pull off the most beautiful birthday party or wedding shower and yet can’t get their taxes done on time.
When we are accomplished in an area of our lives, it’s easy to make an excuse for why we neglect other parts. We’re busy, after all. If that were the only reason things didn’t get done, solving the problem would be easy. We could all just do less.
Yet no matter how much we get done, in the quiet of the evening, after the rush of the day is over, productive women are acutely aware of what didn’t get done. This discontent over our lack of accomplishments is linked to another characteristic for those with a need to achieve: high personal expectations. Too high, most times.
And the combination of high achieving and high expectations creates a confusing mix of emotions. My happiness and joy over completing tasks is almost always tempered by feelings of dissatisfaction. It’s difficult to ever feel a sense of completion because there’s so much left to do. Or I think I should have done things better.
I’m plagued by the word but. Yes, I pulled off a nice dinner, but I should have made a different entrée. I organized my closet, but I wish I had done a better job with my shoes. I planned that vacation with my mom, but I wish I had done more research on restaurants in the cities we visited.
Then, like a taunt, self-defeating thoughts enter my mind:
You don’t have what it takes.
You’ll never accomplish that.
You may try, but you’ll never measure up.
No one would ever know I struggle with those thoughts, because on the surface I look productive.
These thoughts don’t come from a childhood of disapproval. They don’t come from a litany of criticism over the years. I’m thankful to have grown up with a mother who believed in me and spoke possibility into my life. And although my father wasn’t emotionally involved in my life, he didn’t speak critical words.
No, all that disappointment comes from within. I’m wired to produce and achieve, and when that doesn’t happen to my expectations I doubt myself.
Procrastination is a complex issue, with many possible causes. My hope is that as you start to address some of the reasons why you delay doing what’s best, you’ll have some aha moments that will help you change.
Practical Application
One of the key topics in this chapter is the idea of resistance making us stronger. When we press into the challenging parts of life, we are actually getting stronger. You may not experience immediate change, but over time you will see improvement.
Consider those two things you’d like to change. If you consistently faced what causes you discomfort in these areas, what would grow stronger? What skills would you develop? How would your internal character change?
My regular task:
My personal goal: