Malcolm was still running when he reached his house. He hoped his mother would be on the phone and his father would be out, so he could slink to his room without interrogation. She was, he was, he did. So far so good.
Malcolm climbed the stairs quickly, unsure whether he would go straight to his computer and e-mail Charlotte his grovelling apology, or opt for bed where he could, on the strength of her professed love for him, all complications aside, end the day with a satisfying wank. On opening his bedroom door he realised that concentrating on either task would be difficult. Juliet was sitting on his bed, looking uncommonly pleased with the world.
‘Let myself in, Camille was on the phone. Hope you don’t mind.’
‘Um, oh no, not really,’ Malcolm lied. It was one of those days that didn’t know when to quit.
‘So, did you get it?’
‘Get what?’
‘Syphilis. What do you think? The two of them, on camera. The sex. Did you get it?’
‘No, they didn’t.’ Malcolm decided against explaining. It was too complicated.
‘So did you get them not doing it then? That could be good too. You’ve got to admit, tonight worked out brilliantly, didn’t it? Told you it would. Sorry about telling Charlotte and that, had to be done.’
Juliet was pulsing with excitement. Maybe this is just my lot in life, thought Malcolm. Maybe it is my job to disappoint women.
‘We should watch it now,’ Juliet continued. ‘Go on. Go and get the camera.’
‘Um, there’s been a bit of a problem there.’
‘What sort of problem?’
So Malcolm told the tale, every painful and sordid detail. He lingered over Charlotte’s revelation and hurried past his own departure, but Juliet zoomed straight in on the key point.
‘You have to get the camera back then. You understand that, don’t you? Go on. Go round there now, to Kevin’s place. I’ll wait here.’
‘He’s not going to give it back though, is he?’
‘So make him!’
‘How?’
‘I thought you were meant to be clever. Think of something.’
‘Well, he might do it if Brian asked him to, and Brian might do that if he thought you’d have sex with him in return.’
‘Hey, I’m not the one who lost the camera. You have sex with Kevin, if that’s what it’s going to take.’
‘Kevin’s a one-man guy,’ Malcolm reminded her. ‘He loves Brian.’
‘Then he’s an idiot.’ Juliet was angry now. Proper, shouting angry. Malcolm felt fear.
‘Maybe it doesn’t matter that much anyway,’ he tried.
‘Of course it matters,’ Juliet replied, her nostrils flaring with rage. ‘I need that money.’
‘Couldn’t you just ask your father?’
‘You know I can’t. That’s the whole point with blackmail isn’t it? It doesn’t leave you with any choices.’
‘Okay then,’ Malcolm said, because he had seen her angry once before, at a kickboxing tournament, and he knew he had to calm her. ‘I’ll go to Kevin’s and I’ll try to get the camera back, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. I’m not exactly in the strongest of bargaining positions.’
‘So bluff,’ Juliet ordered.
‘I’ll try.’