‘Along Leadladen Street
Into Snarl-up Close
Through Crosspatch
Into Coronary Circus
Past Foulmouth Gardens
Into Fetid Lane
Along Profligate
To the station at Charnel House
Up Dirtneedle Street
Into Destitute Square
Down Pacemaker Passage
(Nearly there)
A quick one in the “Half Lung”
(Leave your gasmask at the door)
Which concludes, ladies and gents,
The City of London Tour.’
We’re a five-car family
We got what it takes
Eight thousand cc
Four different makes
One each for the kids
I run two
One for the missus
When there’s shopping to do
Cars are Japanese of course
Subaru and Mazda
And the Nissan that the missus takes
Nippin down to Asda
We’re a load of noisy parkers
We never do it neat
Drive the neighbours crazy
When we take up half the street
Unleaded petrol?
That’s gotta be a joke
Stepping on the gas we like
The smoke to make you choke
Carbon monoxide
Take a deep breath
Benzine dioxide
Automanic death
’Cos it’s all about noise
And it’s all about speed
And it’s all about power
And it’s all about greed
And it’s all about fantasy
And it’s all about dash
And it’s all about machismo
And it’s all about cash
And it’s all about blood
And it’s all about gore
And it’s all about oil
And it’s all about war
And it’s all about money
And it’s all about spend
And it’s all about time
That it came to an end.
Stinging in the rain |
I’m |
Stinging in the rain |
My |
Skin is peeling |
I’m |
Stinging in the rain |
I |
Don’t like the feeling |
I |
Can’t stand the pain |
It’s |
Burning my flesh |
And |
Boiling my brain |
The |
Buildings are melting |
I |
Can’t take the strain |
There’s |
Blood on the sidewalk |
I’m |
Going insane |
I’m |
Crying and frying |
And |
Dying in vain |
I’m |
Stinging just stinging | |
In the stinking acid | |
(What a glorious feeling)… |
Cyanide in the forest
Dead fish in the sea
A loaded gun
Where the sun should be
May those who sold us
Down the river
As polluted
As the lies they told
Find their banknotes
Carcinogenic
Nuclear active
Their gold.
I don’t drive, I’m afraid.
Never had the inclination or the need.
Being antimagnetic, I am repelled by metal
And unimpressed by speed.
Nor am I being ‘holier than thou’.
Thou art a godsend to be candid
You with the car and the welcoming smile
Without your lift I’d be stranded.
And it’s not that I dislike cars
Though noisy and dangerous I dare say
Money-eaters and poison-excreters, okay
But I don’t dislike cars, per se.
It’s just that I know my limitations.
I’d be all thumbs behind a wheel.
Don’t laugh. Could you park a poem
In a space this small? Well, that’s how I feel.
It’s a sin
It’s a crime
Now we can’t tell the time
Our neighbourhood watch
Has been stolen!
I live in the Capital
and it’s punishment.
This morning
the boss
came into work
bursting
with enthusiasm
and fired everybody
‘Not to put too fine a point on it,’
Said the Bank Manager, pushing my finger
Into the desk-top pencil-sharpener,
‘But you have a larger overdraft
Than I had given you credit for.’
He turned the handle. Turned the screw.
‘Sorry, there’s nothing we can do.
Business is business, we need our pound of flesh.
Next finger please. Put it in and… PUSH…’
3 a.m. Feeling like death
and wanting to end it all
I reach for the aspirin bottle.
Will there be enough?
One by one I count them out. 72?
Need more to be on the safe side.
Rummaging around I add another 30.
That should do it.
Take the first two with a glass of water.
Feel better. Go back to bed. Fall asleep.
(i)
Got up
did my toilet:
Washed
Shaved
Combed hair
My toilet looks much nicer now.
(ii)
Got up
Had shave
Did Times crossword
Had another shave.
Hush-a-bye, Daddy, don’t you cry
Baby will sing a lullaby
Your duck’s arse
is thinning and grey
Your Elvis tattoo
is wearing away
Your bootlace ties
hang limp and frayed
Your 78s
are overplayed
Not rock ’n’ roll
but aches ’n’ pains
Drainies play hell
with varicose veins
Your blue-suede shoes
now have lead in them
Drunk each night
you go to bed in them
When the music stops
You’ll be dead in them
Shush, old man, your day is done
Where mine has only just begun
Used to drink Pernod
Till my insides, an inferno
Said ‘No’
Schooners of sherry
Soon as merry
Sick, very
So I drank rum
Yo ho ho as they come
Sore bum
What’s nice is
Gin with lemon slices
Made me grin. Did me in
Turned to lager (Special Brew)
Went gaga
So will you
Downed tequila
Soon down at heel, ah
It’s a killer
Odd dram of malt
Gave the old liver a jolt
Called a halt.
Mineral water
Herb tea
Beers (alcohol-free)
Cheers! I deserve a pat on the back…
(Next year maybe give up cocaine and smack.)
I’m in the Health Club
I’m where it’s at
Twenty minutes on the mat
Light circuit-training
Gentle jog if not raining
Sauna, jacuzzi
Sit by Suzi
I’m in the Wine Bar
I’m where it’s at
Vino tinto into that
Pig out on tapas
Choose momento, make a pass
Scusi scusi
Chat up Suzi
I’m in the Porsche
I’m where it’s at
Rocks off in Docklands’ flat
Ecstasy, share a smoke
His ’n’ hers, two lines of coke
CD something bluesy
Hold tight Suzi
I’m in prison
I’m where it’s at
Didn’t see the Passat. Splat!
Banged up on Isle of Wight
With terrorist and transvestite
Can’t be choosy
Bye bye Suzi.
He was lyin there, so I… er
Stabbed him. Just the once.
In the stomach. Crashed out
on the sofa he was. After the pub.
He wasn’t asleep. Some nights
he’d pass out but most nights he’d pretend.
Lie there he would, eyes closed.
Burp. Fart, like I wasn’t there.
Eggin me on to say somethin.
And if I did. If ever I did,
you know, say what I thought
He’d be up in a flash.
Because that’s what he wanted
Me to say somethin. Lose my temper.
I’d goaded him, you see. Asked for it.
‘You asked for it,’ he’d say
Afterwards, in bed, me, sobbin.
A fresh bruise on an old swellin.
Not on the face. He never hit me
on the face. Too calculatin.
Always the body. Stomach, kidneys
He used to be one of you, see.
He knew where to hit.
Cold. Always, in control.
But tonight, I took control.
Picked up the breadknife.
He was gettin ready to let one go
I could see that.
The veins in his neck standin out
Throbbin. White against the purple.
Eyes behind closed lids, flickerin
Waitin to jump out on me.
So I… er stabbed him. Just the once.
He farted and screamed at the same time.
I know that sounds funny, but it wasn’t
Not at the time. Not with the blood.
He rolled off of the sofa
Hunched on his knees, holdin the knife.
Not tryin to pull it out
Just holdin it. Like keepin it in.
Then he keeled over and that was that.
I put my coat on and came down here
And what I want to know is…
What’s goin to happen to the kids?
He wakes when the sun rises
Gets up Exercises
Breakfasts with one whom he despises
Chooses one of his disguises
and his gun Fires his
first bullet It paralyses
Drives into town Terrorizes
Armed police in visors
materialize His demise is
swift No surprises.