TUESDAY NIGHT
Sticky with sweat, I bolted upright at the sound of my bedroom door squeaking open. When was Grant going to get around to oiling that? I’d only mentioned it a thousand times already.
The nightmare was still vivid in my head, though ripped around the edges. Early evening moonlight streamed through the blinds, casting jail bars on the wall. The glow hung on a silhouette by the door.
The bed was a disheveled mess, Collette snuggled in a nest of rumpled sheets hanging off the mattress and pillows strewn everywhere. I had only gotten halfway through straightening it this morning and never got back to it before falling asleep with the baby at my breast. How ironic that it seemed so important to make the bed every morning when the rest of my life was in shambles.
‘Mom, are you okay?’
It was Ryan. Even in the darkness I sensed his apprehension. I caught it in the way his voice tilted. I knew my son so well. And yet maybe I didn’t know him at all.
‘Yeah, sweetie, I’m okay,’ I whispered, code for baby sleeping so don’t wake her.
‘I heard you crying.’
‘Oh. I fell asleep while nursing and had a bad dream.’ I hadn’t realized anyone heard me crying. I wondered how many times my family had heard me suffer through that same nightmare over the years.
I admit, I was surprised. I hadn’t expected Ryan to come to me. We rarely interacted these days. By the time he turned fourteen he became a stranger in our house, always off at a friend’s, or at baseball practice, or out celebrating a game-winning play, or holing up in the games room with his latest video game.
I smiled grimly at the recollection of Ryan at age four, a little boy who would cling to my leg as if it was his life support. He was my little shadow. And when Willow came along, oh boy, watch out! The fits of covetous rage as he temper-tantrumed on the floor, legs flailing, fists pumping because I couldn’t hold him while I nursed his sister. Back then I had thought it was so sweet, his jealousy over me, but now I wondered … I wondered if it was a sign of something darker. A demon that lived in him, growing stronger over the years until it finally took full form in our basement two days ago.
I tossed a pillow aside and patted the empty space next to me on the bed. ‘Come sit, honey.’
‘What’s going on?’ Ryan sat, stiff and awkward and uncertain, like he hadn’t been knitted inside my body. He was part of me, and I part of him. Didn’t he realize that?
Tonight he wasn’t the careless teenager whose shoulders slumped casually and whose eyes held a dull gaze, as if he were perpetually just waking up.
‘I need to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me.’ I searched for affirmation in his pale blue eyes. They weren’t Grant’s eyes, or my eyes either. I could only assume they belonged to his sperm donor.
‘Okaaaay.’ The elongated word meant he was scared. I could only imagine the thoughts racing through his head. I needed to get this over with.
‘I want to know what happened Sunday night – with Aria in the basement. Tell me everything, and be honest. Because I already have an idea of what happened, but I need to hear it from you first.’
There. It was out. My shoulders stiffened. I prepared myself for whatever came next.
‘So you know.’ He shifted away from me, head hanging. Shame? Fear? I couldn’t read him.
‘No, Ryan, I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you to tell me what happened from your perspective.’ I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look me in the eyes. ‘I want to know exactly what you did, what Aria did – every detail. Even if you did something wrong, I need to know so I can protect you.’
He nudged my hand away and it fell on his knee. I needed that physical connection, because he needed it too.
‘I … I … I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Please, honey, whatever happened, we can deal with it together. But if you try to keep it a secret from me, it’s only going to get worse.’
He sighed. ‘Me, Willow, and Aria were all hanging out, until Aria wanted to try some wine. So we told Willow to leave, you know, so she wouldn’t see us drinking and tell on us. Anyway, I drank more than I should have. Aria did too. We were both feeling pretty buzzed and we ended up kissing.’
‘So you were drinking alcohol?’
He nodded.
I shook my head. ‘I don’t expect you to be perfect, but you should know better than that, Ry.’
‘I didn’t even want wine. Aria just wanted to try it. We were only having some fun.’
‘Yeah, and look where that got you. Anyway, continue. What happened after you kissed?’
Ryan picked at a loose thread on the bedspread, concentrating on it. ‘She kissed me back, and I thought she wanted to, you know, have sex. I mean, she seemed into it. So we started to, like for a minute, when her mom showed up. I swear, it happened so fast, but I didn’t think Aria was upset or anything about it. Did she say she was upset?’
The weight of guilt clearly hung on him like a noose, but I had no consolation to offer. He couldn’t see what bubbled beneath the surface of his life. Possible rape charges. Imminent jail time. A sexual offender record following him for life. These worries curled around me, squeezed every maternal bone in my body.
I didn’t want to tell him, but I had to. He needed to know the truth.
‘Ryan, honey, Aria doesn’t even remember what happened. I think she was too drunk to know what she was doing.’
‘No, Mom, she was into it, I swear. She kissed me first.’
‘But did she verbally say she wanted to take it further – to have sex?’
Ryan examined his bitten fingernails, a nervous habit we shared, then looked up at me. His eyes were confused and unfocused. ‘Oh, God, I don’t know, Mom. I don’t remember. We were drinking and talking and having fun. It started with a kiss … and I don’t know. Did I do something bad?’
I couldn’t speak, and he read my silence.
His breathing escalated into shallow panting, and his gaze darted around the room. ‘What did I do? Mom, am I in trouble?’
I placed a hand on his shoulder, and another one grabbed his palm. ‘Calm down, Ry. Breathe.’ My voice was calm, soothing, but he lingered on the verge of panic. ‘Nothing is happening. I just want to get your side of things so that we can sort it out. Are you okay, Ry?’
His eyes lowered, then met mine as I talked him off the ledge.
‘I know this isn’t easy, but we just need to get to the bottom of this.’ I thought back to my confrontation with Mac. She didn’t know if Ryan had used protection. I dreaded asking him, but I had to. ‘Ry, I know about the condoms in your underwear drawer.’
His hand rose to rub his forehead, shading his embarrassment. ‘No secrets around this madhouse.’
‘Yeah. I have to ask you: did you … have one on?’
He hesitated only a moment. ‘No, Mom.’
I felt my heart drop to my shoes. ‘And did you … ejaculate?’
‘Geez, Mom! I don’t … I mean, I’m not sure. Maybe … a little. Mrs Fischer came in and—’
‘That’s okay, Ry. Can you answer one more question for me?’
He nodded.
‘Did you specifically ask her if she wanted to have sex?’
‘Um, no, I don’t think so.’
‘Okay, well, that’s important. But you know she’s only fifteen. And you’re eighteen. You … took advantage of her, honey.’ As if honey sugarcoated the four-letter reality. The reality that could put my son in jail. He was an adult. Aria was a minor. But I couldn’t utter it. This was my son, not a rapist.
‘Mom, I swear I didn’t mean to. She didn’t push me away or say no or anything.’
‘Not saying no isn’t the same as saying yes, Ryan. You know that, right? Just because a girl doesn’t fight back doesn’t mean she wants it. Please tell me you understand that!’ I was yelling now as my own trauma needled every nerve in my body. Hands pressing against my mouth. Fingers squeezing my neck closed. Pressure, then a snap of pain as he forced himself inside me.
My face fell into my palms as I pushed the images away. Please, not now. I can’t fall apart in front of my son!
‘Mom, I love Aria. I’ve always loved her. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I didn’t know – I didn’t think. Are you saying I … I raped her?’
Ryan was crying now, and I cried with him. I pulled him into a hug, because I couldn’t say anything more. I couldn’t pacify his fear. I couldn’t free his conscience.
‘I don’t know, honey, I don’t know.’ I shook my head sadly. ‘Mackenzie is going to tell Owen, and God knows what he’ll do. He could take matters into his own hands, or press charges …’ My fears piled one on top of the other.
‘And then what?’
‘And then it’s up to the court to determine what happens. I’m so sorry, Ry.’
We sat huddled together, Ryan sobbing into my shoulder for his sins, me weeping into the darkness for my son. Finally Ryan sat up, looking more intense than I’d ever seen him.
‘I’ve got to talk to Aria. I need to tell her I’m sorry. I need to make things right with her. And if Owen kicks my ass, so be it. I’ll get what I deserve.’
‘Honey, Owen could turn you in to the police! What you did is a crime. And you’re not allowed to see or speak to Aria – not until things cool down. Or until we speak to a lawyer. We need to figure things out first.’
‘Mom, Aria needs to know. It’s not fair to her to keep her in the dark. And she needs to hear it from me.’
‘No, Ryan. Some things are better left unsaid. When it’s something that could really hurt someone you care about, it’s not always best to tell them. Sometimes secrets protect others.’ Like the secret I couldn’t tell Grant, the secret I couldn’t tell Ryan.
Ryan looked at me, confusion stamped on his young face. It broke my heart to see him so broken like this.
‘I don’t know, Mom, I think you’re wrong. I don’t think lying protects other people. I think lying protects only yourself. So if you want me to lie, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’ve got to tell the truth. Aria deserves to know.’
I had to stop him from doing something he’d regret, something that could destroy his chance at a future. Any admission to Aria could convict him. I could plead with him, but he wasn’t listening.
The words tumbled past my lips before I could pull them back.
‘Ryan, your dad isn’t your biological father.’