Writing Me, Myself, They wouldn’t have been possible without the people acknowledged in these pages. I am grateful for the family, friends, and teachers who guided me, the Amazons who supported and protected me, and the champions who never left my side and who continue to come into my life. I sincerely apologize if I have missed anyone in these pages. Committing my gratitude to paper is a heavy and important task, and one that I decided not to distill but to give space for because connection is everything.
My teachers, first and foremost.
Dr. Wendy Gay Pearson. Thank you for being the formative force that gave me the tools to think through my trauma and to reconnect with my identity. I will always be grateful to you for your time and your warmth of spirit, and for seeing me. I began to find my words with your wisdom.
Dr. Susan Knabe, for understanding my need for guidance, for introducing me to your beautiful partner, and for your kind lessons and empathy. Thank you for your friendship.
Mr. Barry Roantree, for being one of the first teachers to believe in me. Perhaps the first. Wherever your spirit is now, I hope that my work honours the legacy that you imparted as a teacher at H. H. Langford. Thank you.
Dr. Sharalyn Orbaugh, for becoming my mentor and champion at UBC. Your unwavering support encouraged me to reach beyond the expectations I had set for myself. It was truly an honour to be your student, and it’s an honour to now be your friend.
Dr. Chika Kinoshita, for recognizing the reason behind my passion for Japanese culture and helping me articulate this powerful connection in my academic work. Shin’ai naru Dr. Kinoshita, domo arigato gozaimasu.
Dr. Barb Bruce, for the fact that you are a gift to your students. You brought to light my love for film, a romance that I can recall from childhood. Thank you for your belief in me, and for your guidance.
Dr. Ernest Mathijs, for your guidance and support during a time of academic expansion towards an uncertain yet exciting future at UBC.
Dr. Treena Orchard, for the honest conversations, love, support, and encouragement.
Dr. Leonora A. Angeles, for your kindness, your warm generosity of heart, and your passion.
Dr. Gillian Creese, for your support of my doctoral work. I will always be thankful.
Dr. Janina Falkowska, for your curiosity, your unique perspective and your lessons.
Hanako Arai: wherever you are now, you opened my world and my eyes, and I am eternally grateful. Shin’ai naru Hanako-san, domo arigato gozaimasu.
Thank you also to my other teachers and mentors along the way: Dr. Paul Coates, Dr. Susan Cox, Dr. Chris Shelley, Dr. Brian McIlroy, Dr. Erin Baines, Dr. Bonnie MacLachlan, Mrs. Broomhead, Mr. Hanna, Dr. Joshua Mostow, Susie Ralph, Al Rankin, and Wynn Archibald.
The magic shared by people through a handshake, their words, their music, their writing, their work, their art: Princess Diana, Carrie Fisher, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, the creator of Jem (Hasbro and Christy Marx), Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, Alanis Morrissette, Courtney Love, Tori Amos, Marlene Dietrich, Tilda Swinton, Angelina Jolie, Pedro Almodóvar, Kate Bornstein, Jack Halberstam, Judith Butler, and Leslie Feinberg.
For the childhood friendships that we shared, Laura Bredahl, Robert Hornsby, and Kristin Korderas. Thank you for being my friends when many found me weird and “different.”
Eve Fiorillo, for your incredible force. Thank you for showing me that being true to oneself matters more than anything else.
My Amazons, Chantel, Becky, Jenna, and Amanda, for supporting and protecting me when I decided to face my fear in Napanee. I’ll always hold each of you close to my heart.
Mel, Anjeet, Emily, Greg, Pete — our friendships created at Western left a legacy. I’m so proud of what we accomplished together.
Laura McPhie, for being the heart of our collective at Western after we met, gazing up at the stars together. Your constant belief in me, your encouragement, and your support are so appreciated. I love you. You have my thanks.
My Amazons at UBC, Kat Fobear and Rahela Nayebzadah, for seeing me at a pivotal time before coming out as trans and continuing to be there.
My angel, my champion, Rosemarie A. Delgado, for your kindness has changed my life. You have made so much possible for me. I love you. Maraming salamat.
Jules Arita Koostachin, for your friendship is a true gift. Jake, Asivak, Mahiigan, Tapwewin, and Pawaken as well. Thank you for trusting me, for your love, and for opening your family to me. Chi-miigwech.
Thank you to the friends who have come into my life in beautiful and unexpected ways, and who have supported me: “Gabriel,” Quinn Nelson, Odessa Bennett, Elizabeth Berry, Ken Turcotte, Joy Choco, Cheri DiNovo, Kathleen Monk, Lana Parrilla, Laura Mennell, Alexa Davalos, Florence Ashley, Sam K. MacKinnon, Lauren Abrams, Gemma M. Hickey, and A.J. Lowik. I’m grateful for your many gifts, love, and support.
Thank you to my creative collaborators who have contributed to my path as a filmmaker. There are so many that I could name here, and I appreciate each and every person who has been both cast and crew on my films.
Ameko Eks Mass Carroll, for being so inspirational, so kind, and so generous with your spirit.
Noriko, domo arigato gozaimasu for the tea, the laughs, your kind spirit, and your open heart.
Frances Mahon (fellow Amazon), Mika Imai, and Michelle Thomarat: thank you for your time, energy, and commitment to upholding trans human rights.
Allison Cohen, for believing in me. This book wouldn’t have been possible with you. Thank you for appreciating my voice and my writing.
Joe Veltre and the Gersh Agency, for your assistance and your commitment to supporting my work. You have my thanks.
Sarah MacLachlan, Janie Yoon, Laura Chapnick, Carolyn McNeillie, Karen Brochu, Cindy Ma, Holley Corfield, Joshua Greenspon, and the many members of House of Anansi’s staff that have had a hand in bringing my book to life and getting it into the hands of readers. Thank you, House of Anansi, for investing in emerging Canadian authors; thank you for investing in me.
Maria Golikova, for your very kind heart and careful editorial attention to my story. Thank you. And many thanks to copyeditor Catherine Marjoribanks and proofreader Tara Tovell.
Laura Meyer, for our many lovely conversations and your encouragement, strategizing, and constant support. Thank you.
Brendan Meadows, for coming along with me for part of this journey, for the spells we summoned together in the studio, gathering forth the cover photograph you captured for this book. Thank you to the rest of the team at our photoshoot: stylist goddess Odessa Bennett, makeup artist Davina Faye, hair designer Florencia Cepeda, and photography assistants Maria C. Turner and Kitt Woodland. Thank you also to makeup artist Lisa Love for my author-photo look.
Douglas Richmond. Where do I begin when your wisdom, insight, and support exist in every single line on every single page of this book? Thank you for making sure that my voice was never compromised by layers of editing. Thank you for our conversations, for your impassioned belief in my story, and for taking a chance on a new writer. I feel such gratitude for your investment in me. It’s been a special process working with you to bring to life memories I had long forgotten. Thank you for your steady and constant guidance.
Thank you to my family.
Mutti and Omi. Even though I only knew both of you for a short time, your energy and love will remain with me forever. I look at my incredible husband and see both of you within him and around him. Thank you for accepting me, for the communication we shared in many forms. May you both be at peace, always, angels with angels.
The Hess family in Engelberg. Thank you for welcoming me into your family and opening your hearts to me.
Ed, Laurie, Kristina, Uncle Joe and Aunt Leslie, Emma, Morgan, Halie, Uncle Mike, Uncle Ralphie, Poppa Ralph, Laura: thank you to my family for supporting and loving me.
My grandparents, for your love and support even though most of your spirits have moved on. Thank you to my single-surviving grandparent, my Pop Stuart, for loving me and seeing me.
My Nan Thelma, for you are my angel. Always there two steps behind me, with me. You saw me, listened to me. We learned from one another, and I hope my story has honoured you. You were one of my best friends. I’ll always carry you with me and will love you always.
My Nan Lois, for you are my muse. I can feel you with me. I can still hear your voice. I can still see the illuminating force that surrounded you when you walked into a space. I will love you always. I will cherish the connection we shared, and I will make you proud.
My brother James, for loving me and supporting me. You’ve always made me feel less like an outcast by seeing me for who I am. Thank you for travelling with me, reviewing my early academic work, and all the laughter and lessons we’ve shared together.
My brother Adam, for loving me and supporting me. You’ve always made me feel protected by being there. Thank you for believing in me, for telling me not to give a shit if other people don’t value me, and for entertaining the many plays and skits I used to direct with you and James when we were kids.
Mom and Dad, for being parents that all trans people would be fortunate to have. I am blessed by your steadfast belief in allowing me to be who I am despite the conflicting messages both of you were receiving from sources outside of our family. Thank you for showing me how to care for nature and for human beings. I hope to continue to make you proud of me for years to come. I love you both, forever.
Florian, for everything. You have made it all possible. Your light, your love, your heart, your smile, and your embrace have been powerful remedies for the dehumanization and pain written in this book. Without your love, I wouldn’t have been able to come home to myself. Together forever, my love, my star. You had me at “hello, you.” You will always have my deepest and eternal thanks. This book is for you.