| |
Dawn
When I was a girl my mother disappeared more times than I can count. She loved pushing a needle into her arm and feeling the burn more than she ever loved me. If she could see me now, would she even be proud of me? Would she care that I’m following in her footsteps, chasing the dragon, and spreading my wings?
“Look, momma, look at what you taught me.” I laugh as JT shoots liquid fire through my veins. If she could only see me now.
I see the look JT is giving me, the one that says he is nearly fed up with my antics. I don’t know why he bothers to stay. But here he is, holding me tight and loving me, even if he knows the things we do aren’t right.
I make no apologies.
I am my mother’s daughter.
I flip the picture I found of her over and check the date. It was snapped nearly twenty-five years ago, and I am every bit her spitting image.
Same long blonde hair.
Same big breasts.
Same craving for the darker side of life.
Sometimes I think my dad, Romeo, hates me for it—looking like her.
He likes to think he can control me.
Shelter me.
Keep me as his little girl forever.
I’m not a little girl.
I’ve not been a child for quite some time.
In California it was easier to pretend.
I didn’t have my mother’s ghost sitting on my shoulder, tempting me to be her daughter.
Being here, in Drag Creek, I remember the fights, the screaming in the night.
I remember sneaking out of the cabin and seeing what my father done.
I saw him with my mother.
He was crouched over her lifeless body.
I can still hear his shaky voice saying, “I’m sorry, but you left me no choice.”
He killed her, murdered her. I know the exact spot. Roses and daisies are planted there now, but I will never forget that her blood stains the ground where they grow. Her life blooms in them.
Some nights I dream of her. She comes to me and tells me to avenge her death. She wants me to turn my father in.
I won’t.
I can’t.
I get high instead.
I get high so I can block her out.
So I can forget the man my father truly is.
A monster who murdered his wife, the mother of his children.
I wonder if when he looks at me if he sees her cold dead eyes?
I can’t say if we hadn’t been forced back to Drag Creek, from our good life in California if I would’ve ended up on this road.
Maybe I am just destined to be a fuck up.
Maybe I am destined to meet my mother’s fate.
To be a rebel in the roses.
I flop back on the bed bringing my guy with me. Nothing matters right now, as I slip into a state of euphoria. The ceiling fan spins above us providing a humming sound. “Whom, whom, whom,” I mimic the noise.
My boyfriend takes absolute care of me. Sunshine doesn’t have the time or energy to pay attention to me. She’s busy with her son, Patrick. My dad still has hope that I can be saved. He gives me money and doesn’t bother asking what it’s for.
It’s easier for him to believe my lies and be blind to what I have become.
It’s easier for him to pretend I don’t know who he is and what he is capable of.
I let him pretend if that’s what makes him feel like a man.
I know he doesn’t sleep at night because I lay awake too.
I took a good look at him and he’s not a good man.
I have scars on my wrists from trying to bleed the truth out of my soul, but I can’t, it’s embedded in my bones.
It’s too late for me to go back.
This is my life now, and I don’t think I can stop.
I don’t want to.
The drugs help me to forget.
They numb the pain if only for a little while.
I roll over JT and straddle his waist, peppering his neck with kisses. He stills my hips as I rub against him.
“I’m not in the mood,” he grits out.
“Come on, lover.” I try to kiss him on the lips, and he turns his head. “Whatever.” I roll away from him staring back up at the ceiling fan. “I don’t need you. I don’t need any man.”
He shoves up from the bed and disposes of the syringe in the bathroom garbage. He rents the back apartment over Inkman’s tattoo shop. JT’s apprenticing under him and helps run the business. Inkman has arthritis and isn’t able to do as much ink as he used to.
JT dreams of taking over or buying him out some day. He does amazing work. He won’t get high with me; says he can’t focus on his goals. Like I’m holding him back. I don’t care what he does.
I would have never known he had so much talent in those nervous hands.
My body is a showcase of his art. My right side is decked out in blue and yellow butterflies. My left arm is inked in a full sleeve with everything from my birth sign to daisies. I show my tattoos proudly as tribute to my dead mother, I want my father to one day see I know the truth. I know what he has done. He took her away from me and Jamie. Miracle too.
JT promised to do my right arm if I can lay off the dope long enough.
It’s cute that he thinks an ultimatum will work on me. He doesn’t realize it only pushes me to do it more, just to stick it to him and prove he doesn’t own me.
Just cause I party with him and we have sex don’t mean a damn thing. He’s a good time, and he gets me my next quick fix.
My pussy owns him, or it did. I know he was a virgin. He didn’t have a clue what he was doing until I showed him.
I gave him sex, and he gave me an escape.
I had smoked a little pot in Cali, but JT has access to the good shit. Shit that makes me forget my own name.
“Party pooper,” I say with a groan. He knows I get so fucking horny when I’m high. If he won’t get me off, I know others who will.
I check the time on my phone. Shit! I was supposed to be home by now, Sunshine is bringing Patrick home and wants us all there to welcome him.
“If you aren’t going to fuck me, take me home,” I snap. He’s killing my buzz.
JT grabs his truck keys and doesn’t give me a second glance. Jerk. He’s not really, but he knows how I get.
Sliding across the seat next to him as he starts the engine, I lay my head on his shoulder.
“We can’t keep doing this, Dawn, it’s becoming a habit.”
“I know,” I lie. He doesn’t know why I need to get high. He doesn’t know why I need to forget. No one knows, well a few do. Baby knew but she’s dead.
Sometimes I wish I were dead.
Baby is better off that way too.
My father would’ve ended up doing the same to her one day.
Foxie knows, but she’s like not human or something. I’m not sure the woman has a heart. There’s no other explanation for how she could have survived this life so long.
Sunshine isn’t cut out for this life. I’m sure when me and Jamie peace out, she’ll leave my dad too. I think she has some fascination with playing the part of mom, anyone’s mom.
Now she has her son to make up for lost time with. If she were smart, she’d get out of dodge. She should have stayed in Cali with Jamie.
He knows what our father did.
I told him. He’s my best friend. My secret keeper. He understands my need to get high. He escapes in his video games. I wish it were that easy for me. However, he didn’t see what I saw. He only knows what I told him.
I remember when I finally told him the truth.
Dad and Sunshine were off doing who knows what at the winery. Probably fucking. Anyway, Jamie was thinking about mom, it was her birthday. We hadn’t spoken about her for some time.
He said, “I just wish she would call or write. I miss her. She wasn’t the best, but she was ours.” Tears slid down his face as he pouted with crossed arms.
I should have kept my mouth shut and left him in the dark. I should have allowed him to hate her. Part of me still does hate her but being married to our father couldn’t have been easy. Not with him chasing after Baby every time she turned her head.
Instead, I told him the dirty truth.
“Mom isn’t going to call or write. Where she is that’s not possible.”
“Is she sick or something?” He asked still so innocent and untouched by the truth.
“No, she’s dead, Jamie.”
“You’re lying,” he said with a sniff, rubbing at his nose and brushing his tears away.
He popped up from the chair and punched me in the nose, busting it. Blood ran down my chin and he screamed at me. “I hate you!”
Before I could respond, he ran out of the house and into the winery, trying to hide from me. Trying to hide from the truth.
I went after him once I had cleaned my face and changed my shirt. He needed a minute to himself anyway. He needed to think on my words.
I found him crouched behind one of the storage sheds sobbing like a baby.
“Jamie,” I whispered sitting down in the dirt next to him.
He turned into me and I hugged him to my chest petting his back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to tell you. It’s hard for me too you know. I miss her too.”
He looked up at me, and his eyes were so lost, I had to set the truth free.
“Do you remember before we came here, before we got Sunshine from that bad man, the night Lil Bit came to sit with us at the cabin?”
“Yeah,” he answered in a whimper.
“Do you remember I went out and asked dad if he could help with Miracle and he said Mom was sick?” He nods so I continue. “I told you I’d be right back, and you were mad at me because I made you watch Miracle. You wanted to go with me to see what was going on. I told you no, and you stayed. Be glad you listened Jamie. Mom wasn’t sick. The only thing wrong with her was that our father had killed her. I saw him leaning over her motionless body and saying he was sorry. I was only a few feet away and he was crying. He was saying he killed her, and he was sorry, that she left him with no choice.”
“I hate him. I’m going to kill him for this one day.”
“No, Jamie, you can't tell him we know. He has to live with what he’s done. We will make him pay, but not today.”
JT and I don’t get halfway down the road before my brother sends me a text telling me our new brother is home. Jamie isn’t too happy with the situation. He’s having to share his room for the time being.
Dad says its only temporary until he gets Patrick on his feet. He’s not even here having to deal with this shit. He set out on the road with Grim and Tread on club business. Who knows when he will return?
However, I welcome his absence.
JT drops me off without so much as a goodbye.
His tires spin in the gravel, rocks flying at me as he peels out.
Whatever.
I jog up the porch steps hoping I don’t fall through them. Dad has yet to repair them.
Inside Sunshine, Jamie, and Patrick sit in an awkward silence.
I hate living here and leave every chance I get.
Sunshine attempts to make it feel like home. She puts fresh flowers out in vases, repainted the kitchen. She bought a new couch, but it’s puke green, and reminds me of baby shit. It’s itchy too. I think she bought it from a secondhand store.
She made dad rip the carpet out, we are still waiting for him to replace it. It stank of cat piss. Like I said I hate this place.
“What’s up, buttmunch,” I tease Jamie.
“Probably your skirt.” He laughs and Sunshine gives him an evil eye.
Patrick stares at me as if he’s never seen a chick with tits before. He doesn’t look that bad. Sunshine made him out to be hideous when she was telling me not to make fun of his face and stare at his burns.
I flop down next to him on the couch and stick my hand out in front of him. “I’m Dawn.”
He takes my offered hand reluctantly, his skin is leathery and dry to the touch. I wonder what his fingers would feel like on my body. I smirk getting wicked ideas of him sneaking into my room and rubbing his fingers against my sensitive skin.
He lets go of my hand and scribbles something on a dry erase board and holds it up to me.
I’m Mute.
I nod and ask if he is liking Drag Creek. He shrugs and his green eyes meet mine, sad, lost, a bit broken. I bet he could use a joint. I hadn’t ever smoked a lot of pot until a few weeks ago, but now I feel like an old pro. I’ll ask him when Sunshine isn’t hovering.
She gets up to start dinner and Jamie says he’s going over to Tread and Liberty’s to play basketball with Kyler. He asks Mute to go but he declines the offer.
I watch him go down the hall to the room across from mine, with his head held down.
I wait to see if Sunshine needs help with dinner, but she waves me off.
I can’t wait to play with Mute. Find out what makes him tick.
Will he be down to get me off?