abuse 67–8; childhood see childhood abuse
abusive shaming other 62
acceptance 83
adaptive shame 58
addiction 7, 8, 11–12, 16, 84–5; assessing for shame 71–3
Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) 106–7
affect attunement see attunement
affect regulation theory (ART) xii, xiv, 20–1, 22–3, 55–6; attachment theory, affect regulation and shame 48–50; dissociation and shame 68–9; dysregulation and the right brain 36–7; family shame narratives 125–6; objectification 44–5; self psychology, affect regulation and shame 50–1 thoughts on shame from 39–42; vertical splitting as affect regulation 70
affective resonance 38
agency 132
aggression 63
Ainsworth, M. 36
Alexander, M. 104
ambivalent attachment 48–9, 97–8, 110–11
archaic selfobject experience 91
Aron, L. 84
articulation 158
assessing for shame xiv, 58–74; addiction 71–3; dissociation 68–71; family-of-origin patterns 64–7; feelings of therapist with a client 59–60; from the right brain 73; performance, perfection and control 60; self-with-other patterns 60–1; self-with-self patterns 61–4; trauma 67–8
attachment 36–7, 37–8, 118; affect regulation, shame and attachment theory 48–50; and the capacity for right-brain narrative 106–8; insecure 48–50, 106; and narrative style 106–11; providing attachment experience 97–8; secure 48, 106, 107, 113–14; to the therapist 132
attunement xiii, 21, 66, 72, 98, 102, 113; empathic 19, 35, 36; misattunement 24, 34, 39, 40–1; self-attunement 173–4
authentic connection 164–76; with others 164–70; with self 170–76
avoidant attachment 48, 49, 97, 108–10
Bacal, H. 24
bad self (bad-me) 27, 46–8, 127, 154
Badenoch, B. 35, 103, 131, 132
beauty, cultural ideal of 71–2
befriending parts of split clients 150–1
binge-and-purge cycle 71
blame 31; stopping shame/blame cycles 167–8
borderline personality disorder 45
Boston Change Process Study Group 32, 36, 134, 153
Bowlby, J. 36
brain injury 164
case examples: angry kind of split (Ellen) 8–9; dissociated shame (Cynthia, Sid and Hilary) 140–5; double life (Gary) 6–8; feeling unbearably alone (Susie) 9–11; giving up on love (Andrea) 11–13; mutual enactment (Erin) 156–8; narrative of avoidant/dismissing client (Martha) 108–10; raging couple (Trevor and Megan) 13–15; stellar performance (Clare) 4–6
categorical affect 89
central relational paradox 61
character solutions 136, 146–53
childhood abuse 67–8; sexual 138–9, 141
chronic shame xiii, 3–17, 58; clients’ stories 4–15; common features 15–17; defining shame 18–22
co-created narratives 111–14, 133
coherence, mental 174
coherent narrative 103
coherent self 19, 20, 44–5, 66
cohesive narrative 103
collapse 41
communication 132
compassion 132
Compassion Focused Therapy 171–2
conflict 66; eliciting family shame narratives 127–8
connection: authentic see authentic connection; intersubjective 64–7, 118; lack of between client and therapist 59–60; non-verbal 87–9, 158–9; right-brain see right-brain connection
conscience 40
contempt 59
control 60
couples’ repetitive fight cycles 13–15
Cozolino, L. 32, 35, 89, 101, 102, 105, 107
cure 162, 163–4; see also shame reduction
curiosity 65; therapeutic stance 83–4
curious empathy 168
dependency 96
dignity 122
direct shaming other 62
disconnection 61; right-brain 90–1
discrepancy 24
disgrace 30
disintegration xiii, 18–20, 25, 26, 29–30, 35, 41
dismissing narrative style 106–7, 108–10
disorganized attachment 49–50, 98, 107, 110–11
dissociation xv–xvi, 41–2, 63, 136–61; assessing for shame 68–71; character solutions 136, 146–53; dissociation/enactment theory and shame xvi, 153–9, 161; four quadrant model 147–51; and the right brain 137; and shame 140–5; transference enactments 147, 151–53; and trauma theory 137–9; and the unconscious 139–40
dissociative identity disorder (DID) 139, 146; case example 140–5
dysregulating other xiii, 18–19, 20–2, 29–30, 63
dysregulation 36–7, 38, 41, 42
Ecker, B. 176
efficacy 51
ego ideal 40, 95; troubles with 53–4
embarrassment 29
emergent change 152
Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) 58
emotional regulation see attunement
emotional sensitivity 78
emotions: eliciting family shame narratives 125–6; linking to events 98–101; linking words to 105; as problem in family-of-origin 65; shame as emotion 23–5; sharing and shame reduction 165–6
empathic attunement 19, 35, 36
empathic possibility 18, 166, 168
empathy: large 90, 136; mindfulness and 174; mutual 118–19; therapeutic stance 80, 83–4
enactment: end of 155–6; mutual xvi, 153–9, 161; transference enactments 147, 151–3
ending therapy 176
engagement with how stories are told 108–11
enmeshed narrative style 107
erasure sequence 176
escape from self 29
events, linking emotions and 98–101
experience-near approach 146–53; four quadrant model 147–51; transference enactments 147, 151–53
failure: ideas of 25; of treatment 24
faith in narrative process 108
family history 78
family-of-origin patterns 64–7
Fonagy, P. 81
Fosha, D. 118
fostering right-brain connection see right-brain connection
free, autonomous adults 106
Gales, M. 134
Goldberg, A. 70
grandiose shaming other 62
guilt 29, 30, 124, 127, 171; as authentic connection 168–70; difference from shame 30–2
heightened affective relational experience 152
here-and-now relational patterns 99–100, 101
historical relational patterns 100–1
horizontal integration 44–5, 102–3
How I View Myself quadrant 147–8, 149
Hulley, L. 176
humor 83
ideal self 47
idealizing selfobject experiences 28, 50–1; failure of 28, 53–4; fostering right-brain connection 93–5
ideals, commitment to 95
images 133
implicit relational knowing 32, 100, 134
implosion 41
indignity 30
indirect shaming other 62
inefficacy 25
inferiority, feelings of 29, 30
injury-guilt-remorse-forgiveness sequence 168–70
insecure attachment 48–50, 106
integrated self 19, 20, 44–5, 66
integration 138; horizontal 44–5, 102–3; narrative as right-brain integration see right-brain narrative; neural 173–4; vertical 102–3
interest 65
inter-hemispheric narratives 104–5
internal community model 131
Internal Family Systems Therapy 130–1
interpreting from inside the client’s world 119–21
intersubjective connection 64–7, 118
isolation 9–11, 16–17, 18, 48, 61, 125, 165
Kaufman, G. 74
labeling effect 105
left brain 102
left-right integration 44–5, 102–3
Lewis, H.B. 22, 23–4, 25, 26, 27, 30
lifetime shame reduction see shame reduction
light and air metaphor 116–17; see also speaking of shame
loneliness 9–11, 16–17, 18, 48, 61, 125, 165
long-term intensive psychotherapy 77–8
love 16–17; giving up on 11–13; unlovability 165
Loyal Waiting quadrant 147–9, 150
Main, M. 107
maladaptive shame 58
Maté, G. 72
mental coherence 174
mentalizing 38–9, 90–1, 93; stance 81–2; the teller in the story 111–12
merger selfobject experience 51
metaphors 133
Miller, S. 29
mindfulness: shame reduction 170, 173–4, 175; stance 82
mirror-hunger 93
mirroring selfobject experiences 28, 50–1; failure of 52–3; fostering right-brain connection 92–3
misattunement 24, 34, 39, 40–1
mistakes 127
mortification 30
mother-child relationship 6, 143; see also parenting
movement schemes 61
multiple personality disorder see dissociative identity disorder (DID)
mutual enactment xvi, 153–9, 161
mutual recognition 66, 155–6, 158
narrative 90; attachment theory, affect regulation and shame 48–50; disgust 45–6; eliciting family shame narratives 124–9; end of enactment 155; good self/bad self 46–8; linking events and emotions 98–101; narratives of shame xiv, 44–57; objectification 44–5; parts of self work and 133; right-brain see right-brain narrative; self psychology, affect regulation and shame 50–1; selfobject failure and pathways to shame 51–6
needs: eliciting family shame narratives 126–7; negotiating in shame reduction 166–7
neglectful shaming other 62
neural plasticity 164
non-linear systems theory 152–3
non-verbal connection 87–9, 158–9
optimal stress 89
other: authentic connection with others 164–70; dysregulating xi, 18–19, 20–2, 29–30, 63; internal others 62–4; regulating 21; self-with-other patterns 60–1
other-directed mindset 26
parent/child dyads, internal 131
parenting: affect regulation theory and shame 39–40; child misbehaviour, disintegration and 20; failure of idealizing selfobject experience 28, 53–4; family-of-origin patterns 64–7; family shame narratives 124–9; mother-child relationship 6, 143; normal 26; reflective self-functioning and secure attachment 113–14
parts of self: befriending parts of split clients 150–1; working with 129–33, 135
passivity 54
perfection 60
performance 4–6, 18, 26, 49, 60, 120, 174–5
Perls, F.S. 101
personality style 146
phenomenological approach 29
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) 45, 68, 137–8
Powers, T. 116
practicing 39
preoccupied narrative style 107, 110
prerequisites for working with shame xiv–xv, 77–86; motivation for working with shame 84–5; reading shame theory 78–9; shame-free frame for therapy 79–80; stance 80–4; therapist’s knowledge of own shame 77–8
presence 123
primary communion with others 26
protectors 131
rapprochement crisis 40
realization 158
recognition, mutual 66, 155–6, 158
reduction of shame see shame reduction
reductionism 23
regulating other 21
regulation see attunement
relational neurobiological narratives see narrative
relational theory xiii–xiv, 18–33; defining shame 18–2; disintegration 18–20, 25, 26, 29–30; dysregulating other 18–19, 20–2, 29–30; guilt 29, 30–2; shame as affect 22–3; shame as emotion 23–5; shame as self-image 27–9; shame as thought 25–7; varieties of shame experience 29–30
relational trauma 3, 34, 38, 164
relational validation 80–1, 82–4
repair: interactive 39; of rupture 121–2
responsible power 127
Revenge Enactments quadrant 147–8, 149–50
right brain xiv, 34–43; affect regulation, dysregulation and 36–7; affect regulation theory and shame 39–42; assessing from 73; dissociation and 137; psychotherapy and 37–9; working with enactments 158–9
right-brain connection xv, 87–101; dissociation and shame 144–5; family-of-origin patterns 64–7; linking events and emotions 98–101; non-verbal 87–9, 158–9; providing attachment experience 97–8; providing selfobject experience 91–6; selfobject transference as safe emergency 96–7; tolerating right-brain disconnection 90–1
right-brain narrative xv, 102–15; attachment and the capacity for 106–8; engaging with how stories are told 108–11; faith in the process 108; linking emotion to words 105; mentalizing the teller in the story 111–12; process not content 112–13; role of the therapist 113–14
right-left integration 44–5, 102–3
Rodin, J. 71
Rogers, C. 36
Ross, C. 146
rupture 40–1, 120–1; repairing 121–2
safe emergencies 89, 91, 101; selfobject transference as 96–7
Schore, A. xii, xiv, 35, 36–7, 38; disgust 45; dissociation 69, 137; enactments 158–9; right-brain narrative 103–4, 105; shame 39–41; trouble with ego ideal 47
Schore, J. 37
secure attachment 48, 106, 107, 113–14
self: authentic connection with 170–6; escape from 29; ideal 47; integrated 19, 20, 44–5, 66; left brain 104; parts of see parts of self; right brain 103–4
self-compassion 170, 171–2, 175
self-delineating selfobject experience 51
self-denigration 34
self-disintegration xiii, 18–20, 25, 26, 29–30, 35, 41
self-in-relation therapy 36, 117–18
self-loathing 9–11, 45, 47, 68
self-narrative 107
self psychology 19, 117, 118, 119; affect regulation, shame and 50–1
self-regulatory ego ideal 40
self-shaming other 62
selfobject experiences 50–1, 55, 56–7; fostering right-brain connection 91–6
selfobject transferences 92–6; nurturing the tendrils of 118–19; as safe emergencies 96–7
shame-free frame for therapy 79–80
shame reduction xvi, 162–77; authentic connection with others 163–70; authentic connection with self 170–6; vs cure 162, 163–4
Shane, E. 134
Shane, M. 134
Shapiro, E. 116
Siegel, D. 35, 43, 102, 104, 173–4
Silberstein, L. 71
speaking of shame xv, 116–35; bringing shame into the light 117–22; eliciting family shame narratives 124–9; honesty and diplomacy 122–3; shame in a therapy session 129; teaching about shame 124; working with parts of self 129–33, 135
splitting see dissociation
still-face experiments 12
strength 94
Striegel-Moore, R. 71
Stuss, D. 104
superego 40
supervision 77
teaching about shame 124
therapist: feelings when with a client 59–60; knowing own shame xiv, 77–8; motivation for working with shame 84–5; role in right-brain integration 113–14; self-disclosure 121–2; shame in relation to 129
therapy contract 79
Ticic, R. 176
transference-countertransference 77
transference enactments 147, 151–3
transitional objects 160
transitional phenomena 160
trauma 122–3, 140; assessing for shame 67–8; dissociation and trauma theory 137–9; relational 3, 34, 38, 164
twinship 51; failure of 55; fostering right brain connection 95–6
understanding 66
unlovability 165
unresolved/disorganized narrative style 107
unworthiness 18
values 95
varieties of shame experience 29–30
vitality affect 89
vulnerability 31
Wallin, D. 82
watchers 131
weakness 54
wisdom 94
Wolf, E. 51
words, linking to emotions 105