Taxonomies
EPIC-RANT DAD
Epic-Rant Dad can be found throughout the American suburbs and on the outskirts of major cities, attending his kids’ soccer games on his allotted weekends and filling Facebook with daily Adderall-induced missives about the fate of the Republic. His natural habitat is samba-themed marriage counseling and other fun things couples can do together. Unlike the more traditional, conservative American dad types, Epic-Rant Dad is not identified only by his love of American values and symbols (football, baseball, the Normandy landings, and other sports he wished he could have taken part in) but also by his insistence that liberals such as himself are the true patriots who fought and won the Cold War.
Once a die-hard Clintonite—watching Bill playing the sax on Arsenio taught him how to be cool—the Epic-Rant Dad has become, in the age of Trump, a patriotic crusader fighting to defend the Republic against the Slavic hordes. He accomplishes this by posting. He replies to Trump’s tweets with “Hey, Cheeto Benito, is this the fake news you’ve been complaining about? #TheLiesAreComingFromInsideTheHouse” and uploads videos of Kirsten Gillibrand’s speeches to PornHub so viewers might jerk off a different organ: their brain. Epic-Rant Dad knows the names of all his teenage daughter’s friends. Epic-Rant Dad brews his own beer on the weekends and names it things like “Fake News Alternative Ale,” “Have You No Shame? Lager,” and “Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Pilsner.”
FIGHTING STYLE: Logic-based pragmatic brawler
SEXUAL REPRESSION LEVEL: “Hillary is the most qualified candidate in American history”