CELEBRITY DUMBASS

It’s a well-known conservative tactic to attack liberals for hating—or insufficiently loving—the troops. But if those lizard-brained Rethuglicans had a clue, they would realize the American lib is a stalwart supporter of a different kind of soldier: the Celebrity Dumbass. At first glance, they cut a very different figure from the traditional military grunt, lacking the camouflage and jarhead chic. But look closer: Who stands on the front lines every day, eviscerating the forces of evil and tyranny? Who embodies the very best of us? Who fights for the soul of America and defends those who cannot defend themselves? If the conservative’s fantasy of power is lighting up an Iraqi village with depleted uranium shells, the liberal’s vision is an epic mic-drop moment from Meryl Streep or Jared Leto that instructs the president to check his privilege—and his dang toupee.

The highest tier of the Celebrity Dumbass officer corps is, of course, the Political Comedian. More than any other entertainers, they bring the fight straight to the enemy: the Bill Mahers, Sam Bees, and John Olivers of this world use the power of late-night comedy to beat back the hypocrisy, malice, and just plain derp of the American right wing, which is how the Democratic Party managed to soundly defeat a bumbling game show host running for president in 2016.

With each viral clip of epic evisceration, the Celebrity Dumbass preserves your freedom to consume their latest Pixar rom-com produced for tax purposes. You want them on that Facebook wall; you need them on that Facebook wall.

SUPERPOWERS: Charisma, remarkably low thetan levels

ALLIES: William Morris Endeavor, ICM