OLIGARCH MONOPOLY MAN

These are the guys who actually stand to benefit from all the atavistic racism, mindless resentment, and puerile spectacle commodified and propagated by the other people on this list. Every time an alt-right grifter Persicopes himself owning SJW college students or Fox News reports that the United Nations is using your tax dollars to breed a new type of SuperMuslim or your uncle ruins Thanksgiving dinner by shooting your biracial cousin with a crossbow, Oligarch Monopoly Man gets a percentage point knocked off his tax liability. He’s a man of absurd wealth, likely gained through the hard work of his Nazi-collaborating father or slave-trading great-grandfather, and he wants to keep it. All of it. His plan for doing so involves sprinkling dark money over every perverse reactionary media project and politician he can find while he cosplays as a salt-of-the-earth cowboy who definitely knows how to ride a horse.

As America sinks further into mutual acrimony and paranoia, Oligarch Monopoly Man stacks that cash. Teen blood transfusions, cryochambers, and mech suits don’t come cheap, and it costs a lot of money to build a perfect replica of the set of the Jean-Claude Van Damme film Hard Target to be stocked with the most dangerous game of all: man. But the most important reason it’s worth destroying the earth to hold on to your precious lucre is as simple as it is expensive: immortality. Most Oligarch Monopoly Men achieve immortality the old-fashioned way: by leaving a vast financial empire to their half-wit children, who promptly contract syphilis and blow the whole fortune on prosthetic dicks.

IDEOLOGICAL NONCONFORMITY: Family built oil pipelines and infrastructure for Hitler and Stalin

PERCENTAGE OF AMERICA’S WEALTH CURRENTLY BEING HOARDED: 20 to 30

RIGHT-WING THINK TANKS AND MAGAZINES CURRENTLY FUNDING: All of them