LIBERTY BABE

She’s conservative, she’s traditional—and she’s hot! Awoooga! It’s Liberty Babe—a conservative media personality who appeals to an audience of mostly Social Security–age men hungry for books that reinforce their cosseted worldview and whose jackets give their lonely trouser worms a jolt of life. After her bestselling screeds Betrayed, Mugged, and Defiled, her latest release, Gangbanged: How Weak RINOs and the Looney Left Are Spit-Roasting America, is lighting up the Daily Caller comments section.

She’s a lady, but she also watches football, drinks bourbon, and can field-dress a buck. She may not write her own books, but Liberty Babe will passionately defend their ideas against the limp-wristed liberal pajama boys Fox News keeps refrigerated in the greenroom. Also, sorry, haters: she doesn’t have time for turncoat colleagues who’ve sullied the memory of Chairman Roger Ailes and accused him of depraved sexual abuse—she knows doing a twirl for a lecherous eighty-year-old hemophiliac while he bleeds through his pants is simply the price of entry into the boys’ club. But just in case public sentiment does turn against the Fox conglomerate, she’s got her own show—Muzzle Flash—on the NRA’s digital-only channel. Each episode features her shooting a liberal in the back of the head and lighting his body on fire while the sprinkler system goes off, getting everyone’s tops a little moist as Liberty Babe goes off on a viral pro-gun rant. She signs off by shooting another liberal in the head and making out with his widow.

CATCHPHRASES: “Gentlemen prefer guns,” “Greenhouse gases get me hot”

UPCOMING BOOK: Dirty Sanchez: The Left’s Plan to Turn America Gay and Mexican