DAUGHTER DEFENDER
It’s no secret that the American institution of fatherhood is under attack from activist family-court judges, sex perverts, and ISIS-style immigrants. While most allow this institution to shrivel away like so many manhoods, there are a few brave vanguards in the American suburbs who act as Knights Templar to fellow dads. They prefer garish clothing replete with shiny angel wings and words like “LOYALTY,” but their most holy garments are shirts that outline rules for dating their daughters. Yes, these men oppose foreign appeasement and gender tyranny, but their biggest fear is the sexuality of their baby girls. The Daughter Defender’s every moment is spent fantasizing about a murky sicko (be they terrorist, Black Lives Matter thug, or boy in the wrong type of bucket hat) harming his daughter, allowing him to put his weekend martial arts training into practice. We can safely surmise that, for all the Daughter Defender’s outward masculinity, this brick of unreleased rage and violence wishes he were his daughter.
Rules for Dating the Daughter
1. Get a job
2. Pull up your pants
3. Realize I’m watching you
4. You kiss her, I kiss you
5. Have her at my front door at 9:00, be in my toolshed at 9:30
6. Take pictures of your muscles and send them to me
7. Know that you are sexting both of us
8. Know that I’m a former high school wrestling coach
9. I don’t mind going back to jail (for child pornography)
10. It may be her first time, but it’s not mine