MEE-MAW AND PEP-PEP

We hesitate to generalize our audience, much less all Americans, but this is literally your grandparents. They come from an era when people had the common decency to say “Sir,” “Ma’am,” and “Boy, that’s not the water fountain you’re supposed to use.” Somewhere along the line, some member of your family fucked up and showed them how to use the computer. After that, Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep were no longer limited to Fox News’s daytime hit Skirts and Suits: Heartland Headlines; they became privy to thousands of websites and chain e-mails, all racing through Pep-Pep’s dementia to see which one implodes his brain before the light finally goes out. When you go to their house, Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep have copies of books like Mosquerade: How Your Kids’ Magnet School Became a Madrassa by Liberty Babe Tresta Kranberry on their shelves. Their eyes seem to imply that they’ve already run through their brain’s allotment of deathbed DMT.

Despite the fact that their spines are shaped like ampersands and every moment loosens their grasp on reality, Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep always vote. They vote more than anyone you’ve ever known. Wonder how we now have three hundred congresspeople who ran on ending the Muslim Brotherhood infiltration of Panera Bread? Look at Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep hobbling down to the polling place rain, sleet, or shine.

MOST RECENT FORWARDED CHAIN E-MAILS: “West Indian homecare nurse stealing from me!” “UN Agenda 21 Seizing Rascal Scooters,” “Bill Cosby Tells It Like It Is!” “Bible Code Revealed: Winning Bingo Numbers”

LAST CONSCIOUS THOUGHTS BEFORE DEATH: When will my Sean Hannity commemorative coins arrive?