ACTUAL VAMPIRE

Right-wingers continue to lionize decades and even centuries past—but how many of them actually lived through those times?

The conservative movement is filled with boys who look like old men and old men who look like condoms packed with oatmeal, but astride them all are a proud few creatures of the night who technically died before the Reformation but show no signs of wear and tear. Legend has it that vampires first appeared in early-fifteenth-century Romania when a nobleman investigating Turkish “no-go zones” in the countryside attempted to use alchemy in order to protect himself from knockout gangs loyal to Mehmed I. Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for all lovers of debate and intellect), the nobleman was transformed into a horrible creature that could never die. This impossibly old and wicked monster came from a time before safe spaces and will probably use his hypnotic powers to get you to kill a family member, as that’s the only kind of thing that entertains him anymore.

The Actual Vampire is so committed to old-fashioned manners that he will not enter a domicile unless he is specifically invited. While his clothing choices—mostly capes and cassocks—reveal a traditional sensibility, he is committed to the cool, urbane nightlife activities typical of an intellectual conservative. These bon vivants are known to levitate caddishly outside the windows of young men and women and hold rousing debates on the death tax. While they’re usually considered to be of Eastern European origin, Actual Vampires now make their homes in the subbasements of brainy conservative institutions like the National Review and the Heritage Foundation.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can transform into a bat, casts no reflection in mirrors, immortality

WEAKNESSES: Sunlight, garlic, crucifixes, holy water, wooden stake through the heart, housing court judge