Over the next few weeks, I spent every spare moment with Austin, and when we were in classes or working, we texted constantly.
The night Geri called, I desperately wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t. How could I tell her that I planned to break up with James, and that I was already dating someone else?
“James and Dusty are harassing me,” Geri told me as I lay on my bed. “They want to know why you’re acting so weird.”
“Weird?” My stomach tied in knots.
“Yeah.” Hesitance made her voice catch. “Honestly, I think you’re acting a bit strange too. Why are you avoiding James?”
My cheeks burned as I rolled to face the wall. “I, ah, I need to give him some space.”
“What?” she said sharply.
“All of this . . . it just isn’t fair to him. Next time I see him, I think I’ll—”
“No, no, no, no!” Her voice grew higher in pitch. “You better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking. You can’t . . . you guys are soul mates. The distance is just getting to you.”
“Geri—”
“Dusty said you were thinking this at the wedding. You can’t, Cadence. You love him, I know you do, and I know you think you’re doing this for him, but if you break up with him, you will crush him.”
A tear ran down my cheek. “I can’t keep doing this to him.”
“Cadence.” She let out a long sigh. “I love you, no matter what. You know that, right?”
“Yes,” I replied weakly.
“Just be patient, okay? You’ll see him soon, and—”
“I can’t get back for the winter break. I can’t get the time off work.”
She hesitated, then sighed again. “Okay. But you’ll see James again soon, and I know when you do that everything will be fine again. He’s planning on moving out there to be with you. That’s how much he loves you.”
My lip trembled. She, like everyone else, wanted me to be with James, but that was because she didn’t know Austin. If I could just show them, they’d know Austin was perfect for me.
“It’ll be okay, Cay-Cay,” Geri said gently.
“Enough about me,” I said hurriedly, to hide the pain in my voice. “You need to tell me the deal with you and Dusty.”
“Dusty?” She laughed uncomfortably. “What makes you think there’s a deal with me and Dusty?”
“Really?” I smirked, twisting my hair off my neck. “Hmm, it might have something to do with the fact that you talk about him all the time.”
“He’s your brother, so, you know, substitute.”
“Uh-huh.”
She groaned. “Fine. We’re sort of seeing each other. Sort of. Not technically. He’s still in high school, so it’s totally weird.”
“But you really like him.” I rested my head against the wall to keep my hair up.
She squeaked. “Yeah. I shouldn’t, but I do. I can’t help it. He’s so . . . irritatingly adorable.”
I grinned, chuckling. “That’s a pretty accurate description.”
“What’s wrong with me?” she growled.
“Nothing. He’s way into you, has been for ages now.”
“But he’s Dusty. He’s your brother. I’ve known him forever.”
“So?”
She let out a heavy sigh. “So I really like a high school guy who I’ve known since he was a snot-nosed fifth grader. But I can’t stop. He calls me and I get light-headed. He asks me to hang out with him and I can’t say no. He kisses me and I get giddy—”
“Kissing?” I grinned, folding my legs as I sat forward. Although I’d caught them in the act before, this was the first time she’d admitted it.
“Yes, we kiss . . . a lot more than I’d like to admit.” She groaned again. “He just looks at me like I’ve always wanted a guy to look at me, and knows me so freaking well.” She paused, then whispered, “He’s tried to sleep with me.”
“What?” My voice rose in pitch.
“But I won’t. He’s too young, and I’m so not there yet. Now I know why you freaked out so badly when you and James slept together the first time. It’s absolutely terrifying! Even though he tells me he loves me, I can’t—”
“He what?” I just about jumped off my bed.
“He . . .” She coughed. “He tells me he loves me.”
“Geri! That’s huge.”
“I just . . . I don’t know. How did you know?”
I paused, contemplating how best to answer. With James and Austin, I’d known in different ways and at different times of our relationships. “I don’t know. I think it’s unique for everyone. But I knew I cared about him more than anyone else, and I wanted him to be happy. I knew he was safe, and he cared about me. I don’t know. It’s like being best friends on steroids.”
She giggled.
“It just feels . . . good. It’s like when the butterflies and romantic daydreams wear off, he’s still there, and everything is okay, like it should be.”
“Wow,” she said breathlessly. “And you want to break up with James when you feel like that?”
My voice caught. No . . . yes . . . “Oh, Geri.”
“I love you, Cay. Don’t do it if you don’t know for sure. You know it will break your heart too. Don’t think you have to do this for him, to save him from pain. I know you love each other.”
“I thought we were talking about Dusty,” I said as a tear ran down my cheek.
She giggled. “Sorry, we were. But you helped me answer my question.”
“And?” I wiped my eyes.
“I think I might love him too.”
I grinned. “Geri.”
“I know!” She let out a sigh. “Why him?”
I chuckled. I couldn’t be happier for her, even if she didn’t think he could work for her yet. They would be wonderful together. Nothing would mean more to me than seeing her happy, my brother or not.
Despite our conversation, I continued to avoid answering James’s calls, texts, and emails. My guilt became stifling. The worst thing was that I still loved him so much. But he knew me so well—too well. After several weeks of only a few short texts and emails, I received a call from Dusty’s phone.
“Hey, Dusty,” I said.
“Not Dusty,” James responded in a firm voice. “We need to talk.”
I glanced around the library and rushed into a study room for some privacy. “James . . .”
“You’ve been avoiding me.” There was no mistaking the pain in his voice. “What’s going on, Cadence?”
“I, ah . . . I’ve been busy.”
“Don’t lie to me. I’m so tired of you telling me you’re busy. Come on, we’ve always been able to talk.”
I locked the door. “I know. I’m just overwhelmed right now. There’s a lot going on, and I’m not sure how to handle it all.”
He sighed. “Cadence, you know I can help you, even if it’s just to talk things through.”
I took a deep breath and sank onto the floor. “James . . .”
“Are you coming back for winter break?”
I rubbed my forehead. “I can’t get off work.”
“What?”
“I tried!” I said honestly. “After four weeks off last winter, and the two over the summer for Harper’s wedding, I had to choose winter or Christmas, and I want to go home for Christmas this year.”
“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” he said in a tense voice. “Because you didn’t want to tell me you weren’t coming back as planned?”
I sighed. “Yeah.”
“Oh, Cadence.” The line fell quiet. I could almost hear him ruffle his hair. “Then I’ll come to you.”
“No, James!” The very thought that he and Austin might cross paths terrified me. What would that cause? I could lose them both rather than just one . . . I needed time. “You need to focus on graduating and securing that job at the lab.”
“No, I need to see you. You’re more important than all that. I can tell you’re struggling right now.”
“Please, James. If you’re here, I’ll be worried about your job and your studies as well as my own classes and work, and―”
He huffed, his frustration with me growing by the moment. “Fine, I won’t. You won’t see me until Christmas, is that what you want?”
“No,” I said in a small voice.
“Then what do you want, Cadence?”
I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hand. “I just don’t know.”
He swore loudly in frustration. “Cadence, this is nuts. I have no idea what’s going on, but it’s messing around with you and you need to do something about it. Why won’t you talk to me? Is it my fault?”
I covered my mouth to stifle my sob. “No, it’s not your fault. I just . . . I’m just . . .” The line fell silent while he waited for me to continue. “I . . .” I grabbed my hair. “I just don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?” he asked, raising his voice.
“Don’t yell at me!”
“Seriously? You’re driving me crazy! If you’re done, then just say it! I’m tired of these . . . this . . . whatever’s going on! I’m done, Cadence!”
The line fell silent. He’d hung up on me. James never hung up on me. Did that mean we were over? That was what I wanted . . . right?
But then, why had it left me with such a deep, hollow pain inside?
James stopped all communication with me. I tried not to let it get to me. It meant we were over and he’d made the decision for me, but it still hurt so much. Austin noticed I’d become quieter than usual, but instead of asking about it, he took me out to distract me and cheer me up.
Austin hummed softly beside me. We’d been dating for two months, and every moment I spent with him made me blissfully happy. Being with Austin made the pain of losing James vanish. Being with Austin seemed to heal everything.
“Ah!” He yanked out a women’s wet suit. “I knew it was in here somewhere. You’re a little taller than Mum, but it should fit.”
I took the black and purple wet suit. “You know the water will be freezing.”
He scoffed. “We’re going to an inlet that stays warmish.”
“Warmish?” I chuckled, pulling off my shirt to reveal my one-piece swimsuit.
As I slipped the shirt over my head, I caught him glance away from my boobs. I tried not to smirk as he swiveled in search of diving gear for me. Austin had always been respectful, even when he wanted to jump me.
We rode out in George’s boat to the island, chatting and laughing the whole way. We pulled into the inlet, and I smiled, remembering. The water, despite being “warmish,” would be too cold for me, and I’d stay in only to let him finish his lesson with me.
He lowered the anchor, and ran through all the instructions of what I needed to do. Like riding a bike, I hadn’t forgotten a thing. I checked all the safeties, the oxygen tank levels, and strapped it on my back without a problem.
He stared at me, blinking. “I’m impressed. You are a fast learner.”
I chuckled nervously, thumbing to the water. “So, how do I do this?”
He helped me slip into the chest-deep water, and slowly started introducing me to breathing. Conscious of looking too obvious, I took my time. Plus, it had been so long since I’d last gone diving with him, it really did feel odd breathing through the mouthpiece.
Finally, we started our swim around the inlet. With only small fish, crustaceans, and mollusks, there wasn’t much to see, but this wasn’t a sightseeing dive. Austin led me along, pointing to clams or fish excitedly. Even underwater, his passion showed.
As he pointed to an uncomfortably large crab that I refused to get anywhere near, I remembered the most important detail of this trip. This was when I first realized I loved him. After our dive, while I shivered and ate lunch on his boat, I’d watched him talk so passionately about the ocean that I just knew. If he could be that passionate about the ocean, maybe he could feel the same about me.
But this time . . . as he led me back toward the boat, I watched him, amazed at my incredible opportunity to fall in love all over again. Although I already knew I loved him, I didn’t know how he felt yet. When had he fallen in love with me? Whenever I’d asked, he always answered with “the moment I saw you,” but I didn’t believe that.
Back on the boat, he handed me a salad sandwich and juice. The boy was healthy, I had to give him that, but the sandwiches were the only thing he knew how to make. He’d always been terrible at cooking, and so took pride in his sandwich-making skills.
As he talked about the creatures we’d seen, I felt as if he had wrapped me in a warm blanket, even though I was shivering. Everything about the trip was so Austin. No pretenses, no flashy attempts to impress me, he was just him, like I’d always remembered him.
“So, I hope you don’t mind me always bringing sandwiches,” he said as he tossed a crust to a sea bird.
“It’s totally fine,” I said, grinning. “You’ve seen the inside of our fridge at the flat. Lyla and I eat terribly. You’re actually doing me a favor.”
He chuckled and dug into his bag. “I need to take a photo of this. Cadence’s first diving trip.”
“More like paddling with fancy equipment.”
I grinned right before he snapped the shot. “Perfect.”
I touched my ratty, wet, windswept hair. “If you say so.”
“You’re always beautiful.” He leaned in and kissed me.
I clasped his face, leaning against him.
He broke away. “You’re freezing cold.”
“I’m sorry to tell you, but your warmish gauge is broken.”
He grinned and kissed me again. Wrapping his arm around my waist, he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped me up in his arms. His body radiated heat somehow. No wonder he could swim in such cold water all year round.
He broke from the kiss and wove his fingers into my hair. “You know, you’re the only girl who has let me take her diving.”
“Paddling,” I corrected.
He smirked. “Paddling. It’s seriously hot.”
“It’s actually freezing.”
He tickled my ribs. I squirmed, giggling.
“It’s hot that you’d do this with me.” He met my gaze, and I saw it. Right there. Gazing out at me was the love I used to see. But the memories of it, being so faded, didn’t do it justice. I never wanted him to stop looking at me like that. Seeing my own feelings reciprocated after so long . . .
I sighed, stroking his cheek. Without looking away, he caught my hand and kissed my palm. It dawned on me that this moment, for both of us, was when we first fell in love.