Chapter Fifteen

Safe inside the diner, where the dreams were unlikely to escape again, I let myself enjoy the low chattering hum of the other customers. Hot greasy smells wafted out from the kitchen, burning away the lingering stench of smoke. I smiled and leaned into the booth. It squeaked as I moved, but the sound was quickly lost to the din.

“Does everyone in town come here?” I asked, surprised by how packed the restaurant was.

“Pretty much,” Tanner admitted. “There isn’t a lot of choice in restaurants here, but they do make great hamburgers, so it doesn’t seem to bother anybody.”

I nodded my head, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. I had to admit that I didn’t hate Grainer quite as much as I had a few days ago, but I was willing to bet that had more to do with Tanner’s presence than the charm of country living. If only my family’s history was not hanging over my head, I would have felt completely at home.

“Do you really hate it here,” Tanner asked as if reading my thoughts.

“It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.” I smiled. Tanner brightened. I knew I must be acting a little sullen, but as the day grew closer to its end it was harder for me to keep my thoughts light. Keeping my eyes on the table, I watched the approaching waitress deliver our order. Absentmindedly, I picked up the burger and took a bite. If I wasn’t happy before, I was now. It was insanely delicious. “This is amazing,” I mumbled.

Tanner smiled and dove into his own burger. Not surprisingly, Tanner finished his meal quickly. I ate hungrily, but had to give up on the oversized hamburger after barely eating half of it.

“I can’t believe you ate all of that,” I said, genuinely impressed.

Tanner shrugged, not in the least bit embarrassed. “You’d probably be surprised how much I can eat. My mom complains every time me and the guys get hungry, but she doesn’t really mind it.”

“My mom was the same way with my brother. She hasn’t quite gotten used to not having him around to finish off the leftovers. She keeps cooking these big meals, but most of the time it’s just me and her,” I said.

David would think it was hilarious, watching my mother’s expression every night when we finish dinner and still have enough food for two or three more people. I tried to picture him laughing at her foolishness, but that only sent a pang through my chest. Would I ever see him laugh again, I wondered.

“Where is your brother?” Tanner asked. I instantly wished I could change the topic.

“Oh he’s still in New York. He’s going to NYU in the fall.”

“Is he working or something?” Tanner asked. “Since he didn’t come with you guys, I mean. I was just wondering.”

Glad that Tanner was keeping the conversation going, even if it was directed at David’s whereabouts, I tried to shake off my pessimism and answer. “Yeah. When my parents moved out here, David had two choices, come out here until school started or get his own apartment. Obviously he went with getting an apartment, which was expensive, which meant he had to get a job.”

“Your dad doesn’t pay for his apartment?” Tanner asked. His question was purely curious, but his ears turned crimson immediately. “I’m sorry, that was really rude. It’s none of my business. I just thought that with your dad being a doctor, he might still help your brother out. I didn’t mean to pry.”

Laughing at his hurried explanation, I watched relief wash over him. His question hadn’t offended me in the least. I knew that many kids had their room and board as well as their tuition paid by their parents. And not just the ones with doctors in their families.

“No, my parents are going to help him pay for college, since it’s so expensive, but they insist he pay for his day to day stuff like food and his apartment. My mom and dad are big on personal responsibility,” I explained.

“My dad paid for everything when he was in school. My grandpa wanted to help, but he just couldn’t afford to. My dad said that he saw lots of his friends who just got everything paid for fail out or turn into total bums. He says he wants us to be ready for the real word after college, not crying to him when things get hard.”

A smile played on my lips. “I think his real reason is that he wants to make sure we never try to move back in with them once we’re gone.”

“Probably,” Tanner agreed. “My mom reminds me daily that once I move out, which she says better be the day after I graduate from high school, I’m never coming back for more than a short visit.”

Grinning, I tried to picture Tanner’s petite mother trying to keep him out of the house. I could not help but laugh. Being the town ice cream lady, it seemed terribly cliché, but his mom was wonderfully sweet. “I doubt she could ever turn anyone away, especially you.”

“You don’t know my mom,” Tanner said with a laugh. “She’s pretty tough.”

I smiled again. The diner noise was slowly winding down. I looked around and saw that more than half of the patrons had already left. Flickering just outside the window drew my attention. One by one the street lamps sparked to life. Dusk had already arrived and night would not be far behind. My mood shifted, pushing out the pleasant ambiance of the diner.

We talked a little longer, but my mood put a damper on the night and Tanner offered to take me home. I wanted more than anything to slide over next to him when we got in the truck and ask him to put his arm around me again. But even in my funk I was well aware of the impression that would give him. I was forced to settle for a hug that didn’t last long enough when we got back to my house. The worst part was seeing the worried look on Tanner’s face when I finally said goodbye.

Pushing into the house well after dark, I was surprised to find my dad waiting for me in the living room. Tanner drifted to the back of my mind. My dad’s expression was odd. I didn’t know what it meant. I dropped the backpack I had taken with me to my grandpa’s on the floor and went to sit by my dad on the sofa.

“Grandpa called you didn’t he?” I asked, wondering if I was in trouble for being gone so long.

“Of course,” my dad reassured me. “Grandpa called after lunch and told us where you were going. You stayed out a little longer than I expected, but I’m glad you’re making friends. You should invite Tanner over some time. I’d like to meet the boy that has my daughter so captivated.”

“Dad,” I whined, “we’re just friends.”

“Alright, alright, maybe your mother can just invite his whole family over for dinner this weekend,” my dad said casually.

“You’re impossible.” I wished Tanner were the most important thing on my mind right now. I felt bad encouraging him when I might not be able to continue the relationship past Friday, but I couldn’t bring myself to stay away from him. Every minute spent with Tanner was time I did not have to spend worrying about dreams and photographs.

“Are you doing alright, honey?” my dad asked, watching my expression carefully. “I know this move hasn’t been easy for you, but I’m glad you’ve been spending time with my dad. He’s really missed having the family around. I really appreciate that you want to spend time with him.” He paused again to look at me more closely. I tried to smile for him, hiding the pain I was feeling. He frowned at my failed attempt, but said nothing.

“Did you eat yet?” he asked me. I nodded that I had and smiled in earnest. Dinner had been wonderful and Tanner walking me up to house even better. I could still feel the warmth of his body against mine.

“What did you do with grandpa this morning?” my dad asked, breaking into my thoughts. “He couldn’t have been telling stories the whole time.”

“We talked about family mostly. He told me a lot about his sister and Katie,” I said. My dad looked away from me at the mention of his sister. “Do you ever worry that the same thing will happen to me, Dad?”

“No of course not,” he said. I could see the lie blatantly on his face. “What happened to Katie was just an accident. Nothing is going to happen to you, Arra. Don’t worry about things like that. You don’t need to.”

“I wish I could have met her,” I said as I nestled into my dad’s waiting arms.

“I wish you could have too,” he said with a smile. “You two would have gotten along wonderfully. You remind me of her in more ways than just your looks.” He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. “She was very outgoing and friendly. She was always stirring things up, but she was a joy to be around.”

“You really miss her, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do. We were very close growing up. I know it’s been a long time since she died, but I’ve never missed her any less over the years.” I looked up at him with sadness in my eyes. Was he going to carrying around his misplaced guilt for the rest of his life? I wished I could explain to him that Katie’s death had nothing to do with him, but I knew he would just dismiss it as one of his dad’s stories.

“The pain of losing Katie lessened slowly, but I’ll always miss her,” he said.

I bit my bottom lip. I wanted to ask my dad about Katie's death. I wanted to hear everything he remembered. The smallest detail might mean the difference. There was so little time left for me. I decided to risk getting a similar reaction when I had asked about the pictures on the slim hope that he might give me some new insight.

“Do you remember the day she died?” I asked quietly.

My dad’s arm tightened around me and he did not answer right away. Fearing our talk would end up just like the conversation at lunch I desperately tried to think of something to say, some way to take the question back.

“I remember every detail of that day,” he said. “Why all the questions about Katie? It’s not exactly a topic I like to discuss.”

“I just want to know about her. I didn’t even know I had an aunt until I found her picture,” I said, feeling a little irritated with my dad’s desire to avoid answering my questions. “I just don’t like that I never knew about her. Don’t you think you might feel better if you talked about her more often?”

Smiling at me in a way that suggested he thought my idea was naïve, he said, “Maybe that would be true if I didn’t feel so responsible for what happened.”

“Dad, it wasn’t your fault,” I said with conviction.

“I know it could have happened to anyone, but it didn’t. It’s just not as simple as saying it wasn’t my fault,” he said, taking his arm off my shoulders. “Now why don’t you head to bed? You look tired, and so am I.”

I sighed disappointedly. I would get no help from him tonight. He just didn’t understand. Standing up next to him, I reached out for a hug and was received immediately. “Goodnight, Dad.”

“Goodnight, Arra. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I stayed in the living room for a while after my dad went to bed. My mom had done some work on the photo albums this afternoon. She had already taken care of the extra mess I had created. I noticed a stack of photos lying on top of my forgotten novel. Reaching out, I picked them up and saw Katie’s face staring up at me. My mom had done this despite her irritation at me after upsetting my dad. Maybe she understood too that Katie should still be a part of our family. Very little escaped my mom’s noticed. Silently I thanked her for the thought and carried the pictures with me to my rom.

Anxious for the somewhat unnerving day to end, I feared falling asleep. I had been scared of the dreams before talking to my grandpa, when they were meaningless images playing in my mind. Now, I knew that the dreams and the dead women were impossible to separate. There was no doubt in my mind that the dream girl was Kivera and that the dreams would soon fully reveal her fate. Again I felt that I would rather not know. That knowing would do little to help.

But even as I thought this, I knew that I would continue seeking the truth. I could not let go of the idea that I might be saved. If I let go of that hope I would lend myself to despair and confirm my fate. I had to keep going.

Fighting back the desperation I was feeling, I slipped into my bed still wearing that day’s clothes. My hands trembled as I pulled the blanket up to my chest. I forced my eyes to close and waited for sleep and for the dreams to begin.