Chapter Twenty-Five

The dark mahogany wood was soft and smooth, polished by countless hands gripping the pew in search of comfort and guidance. My grandpa had wanted to leave, and even Tanner had looked longingly toward the door, but I needed the peace the chapel offered. Pacing in the foyer, my grandpa was wrestling with his own ideas and dilemmas. Tanner, I had encouraged to take a few minutes to speak with his priest.

I wasn’t Catholic and had no intentions of becoming one, but I didn’t want to be the reason Tanner turned away from his faith just because Father Margulies could not come up with the answer my family had been searching for for centuries. Hoping he would be able to reconcile his feelings, I let my head fall down to the pew in front of me. I didn’t pray. I really didn’t even know how to pray even if I wanted to. Sitting with my head against the cool wood I closed my eyes and tried to picture Katie.

My dad said that I would have liked her. I wondered what she was thinking about when she woke up that day. She didn’t know everything I knew, but the dreams alone would have been enough to convince her of what lay ahead. Did she wake up hoping that it was all a big joke, or did she open her eyes knowing it would be the last time she did? Did she think about her family and the things she would miss?

Picking my backpack up off the floor, I settled it in my lap. I had brought it knowing deep down that I would need it. I had packed the bag yesterday, before even considering telling Tanner anything about this. I thought I would wake up alone and slip out of the house to the meadow where I met Tanner. I knew so few places in this town. In thinking of where to spend the last few hours of my life, I had quickly decided on the meadow. Amid terrifying dreams and legends it was the one place I had been happy.

Wishing I could be there now, I unzipped my backpack. The stationary my mother used was formal and elegant. Pulling a thick sheet of paper out, I set it to the side. The pen was somewhere in the bottom of the bag, but my fingers found it with a quick sweep and pulled it out along with an old school binder.

The crisp stationary made a soft whisk as I settled it in place. Shaking too much to write, I tapped my foot as I tried to draw the air into my lungs deeply enough to settle my tremors. I needed to do this. I could not leave my dad behind thinking he might have been responsible for yet another death. Slowly feeling returned to my fingertips and the words began to flow.

“Dear Mom and Dad,

“I don’t know when you will find this letter, but I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I’m just sorry I couldn’t do it in person.

“Mom, you may not understand any of this, but I know you will, Dad.

“Mom, I love you so much. I love how you tried so hard to protect me from the world. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried your patience. Your gentle heart made you a push over, but I never doubted for a second that you would be one of those women who would be able to pull their child from a burning building or give up your life to save a stranger. You were always such a strength to me.

“Dad, you know I love you. I should have told you more often. I want you to know that there was nothing you could have done to stop this from happening. There was nothing you could have done for Katie either. I understand what she went through so much better now. I know that she doesn’t blame you either and that she would want you to forgive yourself.

“When you are ready, go to Grandpa. He can explain what happened. It won’t make it any less painful, but it may be better than spending the rest of your life wondering if you could have saved me.

“Please tell David that I love him too. I will miss his constant teasing and his boundless energy. Tell him that I will miss his smile and big brother hugs more than he can ever know.

“I can’t tell you not to cry or feel bad, because I know I wouldn’t be able to do that either. All that I do ask is that you don’t forget me.

“I love you both so much.

“I’m sorry.

“Arra.”

The page was splattered with drops of moisture, smearing the ink in more than one place, but I couldn’t bear to recopy the words. Folding the sheet in thirds, I sealed it in one of my mom’s envelopes and addressed it simply, “Mom and Dad”.

Tucking the letter into my backpack I knew my mom would find it eventually. It might take a while for her to pack up my things, but she would when the pain eased up enough to let her say goodbye. I just hoped it wouldn’t take too long. I considered telling my grandpa about the letter so my parents would find it as soon as possible but the sound of approaching steps reached my ears before I made my decision.

Tanner slid in beside me and took my hands in his. “How are you holding up?”

“Okay, I guess.” It was true, surprisingly enough. I had questioned if knowing would be any help at one point. I knew now that it did. For me, at least, it did. I still regretted that I would not see David graduate from college, or get to attend myself. I wished I would have been able to go to the bonfire with Tanner tomorrow night. But in the end knowing helped me to feel at least a little prepared. I knew what was coming and I would face it no matter what the outcome was.

“I’m sorry about dragging you into this, Tanner.”

“Don’t be. I’m glad you told me. I’m glad we got this time together. I’ll never forget it,” he said. My heart broke a little to hear him say that. It sounded like he had accepted the inevitable too.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I just leaned against his shoulder and let him hold me until everything melted away.

“Arra. Arra, wake up.”

I heard the word, but it was the soft touch of Tanner’s lips against my ear as he whispered that woke me. Opening my eyes I saw nothing but mahogany. I don’t know how I even managed to fall asleep, but at least it had been a dreamless sleep. Somehow I had ended up with my head on Tanner’s lap and my feet up on the bench. Probably not the most reverent way to sit in a pew. Or the most comfortable. Pushing myself up, pain flared in my neck and shoulder.

Why had Tanner woken me up? Was it time already? I bolted upright. “Tanner? What’s happening?” I asked.

“It’s okay, Arra. Sorry to wake you, but your grandpa wanted you to meet him in the garden,” Tanner whispered.

“The garden?” My mind was still a little groggy. What garden was he talking about?

“Behind the church. Father Margulies suggested it,” Tanner explained.

A garden behind a Catholic church. That was where I would die. Was that fitting, or ironic? I wasn’t really sure. It seemed like it would only bring up more questions, like how had I managed to die just sitting in a garden behind a church? Katie and Maera were both doing something that at least might have account for their deaths. What could any coroner say about me? My heart would just stop while I was taking in the scents of the summer blooms.

That would kill my dad. He would want an explanation, especially after Katie. But maybe this was better, I thought. It would just be a freak occurrence. I was healthy, current on all my vaccinations and physical exams. There was nothing my dad could blame himself for. It would break his heart, but maybe not his mind as well.

“Are you ready to go?” Tanner asked. He cringed, hearing the double meaning in his words. I nodded, to both questions, and he took my hand.

Stepping aside, he waited for me to grab my backpack and make my way to the aisle. The walk through the church was quiet and still. There were no other patrons. The emptiness was lightened by the light filtering in through the high stained glass windows. The hallway we walked down look as if it had been paved in precious gems. For a moment I felt like Alice, or Dorothy, or a dozen other fairytale girls, except that I was not on my way to find a prince or live happily ever after.

Even still, I was saddened when Tanner pulled me from the dazzling hall toward a door nestled at the back of the church. It was square, made of plain looking wood, sturdy, but old. Nothing special. Nothing special to anyone else maybe, but Tanner and I slowed to a stop right in front of it. Neither of us wanted to open it.

Tanner’s hand came up to my chin and tilted my head to look up at him. His eyes tore at my heart. Every emotion running amok in my own heart was staring back at me through his eyes. All except the panic. I had put my panic aside with the hope that someday this would all end. Tanner had either not been so lucky, or he did not care about when it might end, only that it hadn’t ended already.

He was piercing me with his eyes, and then he was pressing his lips against mine. It was nothing like his earlier kisses, light and playful. His fingers tangled themselves in my hair and pulled me against him. I found that mine were doing the same. His hair was coarse from the sun, but his lips were silk against mine. Passion and desperation wrapped themselves around us, mixing with the tears falling from both of our eyes.

Slowly the moment ebbed away and we were left crying with each other in front of the old wooden door that stood waiting to be opened. Loosening my grip on Tanner wasn’t easy, but somehow I found the strength to let go and reach for the brass doorknob. I turned it and the light of full dawn swept into the hall.