NINE

I did not know what he looked like, of course. Not that it made any difference. It goes without saying, however, I spent more than a little time imagining what the truth of his appearance might be.

Was he an older man? A handsome man? Short? Tall? What were prisoners permitted to wear?

But it is a far greater truth that the lion’s share of my attention was given over to fantasizing about what his next words might be. Even though the words of his last letter rang out harshly, repeatedly in my mind, it was like a peculiar progress of sorts. As insulting and invasive as it felt to read those words, it was yet a coming forward, far different from the veritable door-slamming of his first letter.

And then I had to stop myself. I had to remind myself we did not know each other yet at all; that whatever talking had been done had been on my part. All he had done was first tell me to go away and then invade a part of me I did not usually like to think about. Why, then, did I already feel as though there were so much more between us? In a way, it was like watching a chess game in which one of the two players is suddenly revealed to be one’s self.

In a week, I had my answer to the question of what he would do next. Having written nothing myself since the last letter I had received from him, the one that had shaken me so badly, the one that had so coolly identified the sterility I at times experienced, I was frankly shocked at the heat behind his new words. After the briefest of salutations, inquiring as to the state of my health—was I unwell? was that perhaps why I had not written in two weeks?—he cut to my heart.

                  

My dear Mrs. Smith, I must ask you:

When was the last time you were touched such that your response was not a duty? When was the last time you moved to meet a hand rather than waiting for it to come for you?

Chance Wood

                  

Heedless of the impropriety, of what he had written and my reaction to it, I felt the sheer shock of it cause an interior shiver to move through me.

It was as though someone had opened up a door and let air in.