It was a shock to wake up and find I’d slept for twelve hours. Pulling myself out of bed was a bit of an ordeal, but discovering that my limbs felt like they belonged to me again sugared the pill.
After finding the bathroom and changing my underwear, I pulled on Dad’s shirt and headed towards the stairs.
There was music coming from two of the other rooms on the corridor, presumably Naomi’s and Susie’s. Behind one door I could hear the jangly guitar of some cheesy pop song, while from the other, the harsh bass line and whine of some rapper or other. It didn’t take much to work out whose music belonged to whom.
As I yanked open the door that led to the stairwell, other music filtered in too, this time from the boys’ floor, more beats, more bass, different tempos. I paused as the various sounds assaulted my ears. It was chaos, perfect chaos, which just about summed up my first day here entirely.
The stairs vibrated as I walked down them, but I was careful this time not to knock anyone flying as I went.
Thinking hard, I traced my steps back to the dining room. Aside from a slice of pizza I hadn’t eaten in ages and my stomach was telling me to sort it out.
Maya was nursing a cup of tea and a file at one of the benches, and she was only too happy to show me where everything lived. Three slices of toast and a bowl of Shreddies later, my stomach had just about forgiven me.
Maya didn’t hassle me as I ate. She wasn’t hungry for the inside track on what had gone on the night before. She just looked happy to see me on my feet, and returned to her reading.
By the time I’d stacked my plates in the dishwasher, Ade had appeared, a look of delight on her face to see me up.
‘Now this is a good sign,’ she said, beaming. ‘And the first time I’ve seen you walk without falling over.’
My face flushed and I said nothing. She had been a stranger last night and I’d relied on her so heavily. It didn’t feel right to do the same again today.
‘Tell me, are you feeling well this morning?’
‘Better.’
‘OK, fine. Then we must busy ourselves. I will show you around properly before we meet with the doctor.’
I must have looked apprehensive, as she shook her head and told me not to worry, this was a different person, not the ‘fool who could not even look us in the eye’.
It was a relief that she wasn’t rushing me up to see the doctor straight away. In fact, it became clear that Ade didn’t really rush to do anything, last night’s rescue aside.
We spent the next half-hour dawdling around the site as she pointed out the different rooms. It was a maze, full of corridors and hidden spaces. The older part of the building housed all the bedrooms, lounge, kitchen and games room, while the newer, soulless part took care of the staff offices and education unit. Until then I hadn’t a clue that I wouldn’t be going back to school, and although sharing a classroom with Patrick or Naomi didn’t appeal, it was certainly a better option than facing Donna or Hobson.
As we walked, Ade talked about last night, asking how long I had been experiencing the muscular pain, how the others had been with me, how I was feeling about being here at all. I knew she was digging, enticing me to give things away that would help her assess me, but she did it so gently and with so little fuss that it felt different from when Evelyn had done it. And even though I wasn’t giving anything away, she accepted every word with a nod, before moving on to the next subject.
‘No one will push you to talk about things, Daisy,’ she explained. ‘Our job is to help you find the answers yourself, if that is your choice. But at the same time I cannot imagine that you want to be here any longer than is necessary.’ She lifted her eyebrows at me and I nodded in return. Of course I didn’t.
‘Then use this place well. Me, the staff, the others like Naomi, or even Jimmy. All of us can help you in some way. All of us can help you leave as quickly as you wish.’
‘Where do people go? You know, once they leave here?’
‘That depends on their age, on how effectively they engage with what we do at Bellfield. I will not lie to you, Daisy. For every young person that finds a foster placement, or moves into their own flat with our help, there are those who are, well, moved on involuntarily.’
‘Do you mean prison?’
She looked sad at the thought. ‘There have been occasions when a secure environment has become the only option, yes. And those are sad days for us all. What you must focus on, at all times, is the day you walk out of here to start a new life with a new family.’
The thought made me shiver, reminded me just how on my own I was. What if I didn’t get the answers to what was going on, or they never found anyone willing to take a risk on me?
‘Is it possible they’ll let me move back home?’ I asked. ‘What if I didn’t want a new family? Couldn’t someone just drop in on me, check I was OK, that I hadn’t set fire to anything?’
‘Anything is possible in time, and you must not worry about what will happen to your house. Nothing will be done without your consent. But I must be honest, the arrangement you’re after would be unusual, impossible even, in the short term. Small steps, my friend, starting with sorting out your meds.’
Our appointment with the doctor didn’t last long: a quick fifteen minutes for him to reach the same conclusion that Ade had. He was kind enough, smilier than the woman the night before and certainly not as quick to judge either of us.
All it took, apparently, to stop the convulsions returning would be two other tablets a day, and although he tried to explain how they worked, I didn’t want to listen. I just wanted him to be right.
We left his office in the new part of the building and returned to the sunshine.
Summer had arrived and, although I didn’t feel I deserved to celebrate it, it did make me feel more alive. Anything was better than hospital.
Ade, however, was in no mood to sunbathe.
‘Daisy, there are things we must do today.’
There was something about the statement I didn’t like, so I approached it with trepidation.
‘Like what?’
‘Several things. Some happen here every day, but that is this afternoon. The first thing we must do isn’t easy, but it is necessary.’
‘What’s that?’
‘We must go to your home and collect some things. Things that will make you more comfortable. Like clothes. Your clothes.’
‘Do we have to go?’ I asked. I wasn’t sure I could do it, not today.
But Ade was adamant, without being bossy. ‘Oh yes, my friend. It must be today. One more day in that shirt and you will smell worse than the two boys put together.’
And that was the conversation over. There wasn’t anything you could say after that.