I stared at the walking boots through sleep-sticky eyes, hoping they were an apparition.
‘Did you say they were for me?’ I wheezed, tobacco sitting heavily in my throat.
‘Who else are they going to be for?’ Ade laughed. ‘I’m wearing mine already.’
She was as well, a pair of brown leather clodhoppers that looked as battered as Paddy’s trainers.
‘Good for you,’ I moaned, shoving my face back into the pillow.
‘Are you cross at me for not being here the last few days?’
I was, but I didn’t tell her of course, defaulting instead to a shrug and a yawn. Another day might have passed, but I still wasn’t used to the way the pills were making me feel, or the vodka for that matter.
‘It is ten o’clock and the sun is waiting for us.’
I groaned. I wasn’t planning on being up for at least another hour. And as for being out in the sun … well, she could forget about it.
Except she wouldn’t. Instead she embarked on a series of annoying little ploys designed to raise me from my pit. First the duvet disappeared, then the pillow, then I was peppered with drops of water from the glass by my bed. By the time she embarked on a tuneless rendition of some hideous African song, I feared my ears would start bleeding and I leapt into action.
‘All right, all right, I’m up. Give me time to have a shower, will you? I do have rights, you know.’
She chuckled long and low. ‘Oh, my Lord. Only one week here and you are already sounding like Naomi. It is definitely time we had a day out, just you and me. Half an hour and I’ll be back here banging on the door. Get your best walking legs on and those boots fastened, yes?’
I nodded, too shocked that I’d sounded like Naomi to do anything else. Then, picking up my towel, I headed for the shower, hoping I could wash any other traces of her clean away.
We left Bellfield armed with breakfast. Ade was adamant about starting before the others woke, probably out of fear that they’d persuade me to sack the walk off in favour of lounging on the balcony, rolling their fags for them.
Strangely, that felt like the better option, but with Ade in unstoppable mode I was swept along and before I knew it I was on the coast road, with a banana in one hand and a slice of toast in the other. Ade even carried my mug of tea for me, still steaming and thick with sugar.
‘You will need the energy, believe me,’ she said, grinning. ‘Today will be different from your other days at Bellfield.’
I immediately felt the need for a cigarette. The lazy days had suited me fine, and something told me the rug was about to be yanked from beneath my boots, which were already rubbing on my heels.
‘So, you have been settling in well?’ she asked.
‘Suppose so,’ I muttered, not quite knowing how to sum up my first week. ‘It’s been … interesting.’
‘Oh yes. Days are never dull here. You are always guaranteed drama in one way or another.’
She left a pause before setting off down a fork in the road. The sea appeared in front of us, a huge strip of blue stretching as far as my eyes would reach. Funny how the sun made everything look different, better. In this light we could’ve been anywhere, the Med or the Caribbean, as for once the sea actually looked clean.
‘Daisy, I feel I have let you down a little in your first week. I’m sorry that I haven’t been here to settle you in and show you the ropes.’
Her apology seemed odd to me. I had no idea what she was saying sorry for. After all, she was the one who’d found me on the floor and sorted out my meds. Without her, that cow of a doctor would’ve had me back in a hospital gown, probably in the psych ward the nurses had gossiped about outside my door.
‘Don’t worry about it. The others have shown me how it all works.’
‘Ah yes, the others. By this I presume you mean Paddy and Naomi?’
I nodded, knowing what was coming.
‘And they can show you many things, but I’m not sure, if you are to use Bellfield properly, that they will be your best teachers.’
‘Oh, right.’
‘Daisy, what you must understand is that all of the residents here have huge potential. They would not be living with us if they didn’t. But Naomi, Jimmy, all of them, have lived through things that they shouldn’t have, seen things that people twice their age, of any age in fact, should not have seen. As a result, they are struggling to make sense of their lives, and at times they use crutches to get them through the day.’
I had no idea where this was going and, from the look on her face, she knew it.
‘I’m sorry, I’m tripping over my words. I am talking about drink, Daisy, and other temptations that will be put before you. I’m not stupid and I know you’re not either, so I will just say this. Drink will certainly make days move more quickly. It will make you feel braver and stronger and able to fight the world. But it will not answer your questions and it will not help you move from Bellfield more quickly. We love you being here, but nothing would give us greater pleasure than waving you off, knowing you have the answers you need to move on.’
Her words were sensible and honest, but they were also bloody annoying. It was exactly what Naomi had warned me against. That the staff had read all the books, absorbed all the jargon they needed to. But Ade didn’t have a clue what was going on with me, didn’t realize that the things she wanted me to answer were best left buried, for everyone’s sake.
Nothing else was said for a few minutes, leaving me to force down my breakfast and slurp my tea. It was a worthwhile distraction.
It wasn’t until we actually reached the coast that Ade moved the conversation on to a subject that we both found even more difficult.
‘We need to talk about your dad, Daisy.’
I exhaled slowly, feeling the need for a smoke intensify. ‘What is there to say? He’s dead.’ I felt my insides weep at the truth, the matter-of-factness of what I’d said.
‘And it’s been over two weeks now. We need to think about how to say goodbye to him.’
‘What do you mean?’ Was I being thick again, or was she talking in a different language?
‘A funeral, Daisy. Or some kind of service.’
‘I don’t want one.’
She looked surprised at both the speed and the nature of my answer.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Positive.’ I wasn’t interested in even entertaining the possibility. ‘He hated religion. Couldn’t stand setting foot in a church. He used to moan that he felt like a hypocrite going to funerals or weddings, so he certainly wouldn’t want other people to have to do the same on his account.’
Before I realized what I was doing, there was a half-made rollie in my fingers. As I licked the seam I thought about what I’d said. It was true, all of it. He always got edgy before any kind of religious ceremony, but it wasn’t the only reason I was so against it.
It was the thought of being confronted with what I’d done. Of being surrounded by people who at first would want to hug me and take away the pain. I couldn’t bear the fact that, as the ceremony went on, they’d eventually wise up to what had happened and how I’d set the wheels in motion. By the time his coffin slipped away behind the velvet curtains, they’d be whispering conspiratorially. By the time the smoke poured from the chimney, they’d be wanting the same punishment for me.
It was too much to consider, even if it was what I deserved.
‘I know it must be a difficult thing to face, and you don’t need to decide now. Take some time. It would be such a good idea, both for you and for other people. Your dad’s friends, for example …’
‘I don’t give a toss about other people!’ The words came out louder and angrier than I intended, taking us both by surprise. ‘I don’t see anyone queuing up to commiserate, do you? Don’t remember them banging down the door when I was in hospital, so why should I give a monkey’s about making life easier for them?’
It was true, all of it. But I wasn’t disappointed by their lack of concern. I don’t think I could’ve handled their sympathy, and didn’t trust myself or feel deserving enough to have people look out for me. I just hoped I’d said it with enough conviction to make Ade back down.
It seemed I had. She didn’t look cross or disappointed. In fact, her acceptance of what I’d said agitated me more than her.
‘I understand. And there are options we can take that leave it open for you.’
‘Like what?’
‘We can arrange with social services for your dad to be cremated. Tell his friends that you aren’t strong enough to cope with a service. They may choose to mark it in some way themselves, and we can keep his ashes safe until you feel ready.’
I shivered at the thought of an urn by my bed, a constant reminder with potential for the others to abuse, use it as an ashtray or steal it in revenge for not rolling them a fag. It was all too much. I wanted to get pissed, roll into a ball and forget about it.
‘Please don’t worry, Daisy. All these things for you to consider after such a short amount of time, when you are still feeling so raw … It will get easier, I promise. You must trust me. It really will.’
Rubbing Dad’s lighter with his sleeve, I flicked the lid and sparked up my cigarette, feeling the smoke nip at my lungs.
I wanted to believe her, really I did. But I didn’t trust her. Not yet. Not when I couldn’t even trust myself.