What followed was the longest and most one-sided game imaginable. Imagine Roger Federer playing tennis against a surly, uninterested teenager and you’ll get a sense of how pointless it was.
Ade would spend hours, days, lobbing me ways of dealing with my shit and I’d watch them bounce at my feet and ignore them as they fell off the cliff. I didn’t even have the decency to whack them straight back at her as hard as I possibly could.
I had to give it to Ade, she had patience and staying power, and a smile that refused to be wiped from her face. But it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t let her, or anyone else, in. It was just too dangerous.
I think her tenacity exhausted me as well. I was so tired of her prompting and probing, no matter how subtly, that I forgot how much I’d warmed to her early on, how without her I would have been back in hospital, perhaps in the psychiatric ward. I had a massive downer on her that drove me even closer to cigarettes and secret vodka. That was the only game I was interested in playing and I was getting pretty good at it too.
Not as good as the others, granted – even Susie, all five foot of her, could handle more booze than me – but that didn’t matter. It gave me the respite that neither Ade nor any of the other carers could.
I got more careless about it as well, less secretive about what I was doing, and was rumbled with booze in my room a couple of times, earning myself a dressing-down at community meeting in front of everyone. Not that the others cared. It was a run-of-the-mill occurrence and if anything it let me earn my stripes, prove that I was one of them, someone they didn’t have to share their secrets with, just whatever drink they’d got their hands on that day.
Naomi could still be icy, especially when she had to share Ade with me, and I never understood why, if she thought Ade was so useless, she got lairy in the first place. What I didn’t ever do was ask her. I’d learned from day one that it was unwise to question her on anything, not if you liked the way your faced looked.
I’d been at Bellfield for nearly two months before she trusted me enough to include me in one of her little plans, the plan that meant getting drunk somewhere other than on site.
She and Paddy did it every now and then, disappearing for long enough to put the frighteners on the staff, who’d be dispersed in force, sometimes alongside the police, to bring them home.
Why she’d suddenly decided it was my turn eluded me, but I didn’t argue. I had the devil in me and was up for whatever she had in mind.
‘Eric’s taking us all to the pleasure mile tonight,’ she’d whispered, ‘but he’s taking us with one of the students, which should give us chance to slip away for a bit. You up for it?’
The mile was always so packed with tourists in summer that I knew it was worth a go, and although Eric was on the ball, the students they sent in to observe us were pretty gormless. It certainly shouldn’t be difficult to do a bunk from under their gaze.
‘Why not? I’ve got a few quid left.’ I flashed her a pocketful of shrapnel.
‘That’ll keep us in ciggies for the night.’ There was a serious look on her face and I felt my chances of joining her dip. ‘But to be honest, Daisy, we aren’t going to need much dosh tonight. Not if you listen to what I tell you.’
‘Even better,’ I replied.
It felt good to be asked. All we had to do now was while away the hours until the minibus left and find a way of avoiding Ade in the process.
There was a buzz in the minibus as we rolled through the gates. Paddy had taken control of the music and had Jay-Z pounding through the speakers. I had no idea what he was rapping about, but the bass was low and heavy and shook through my bones, adding to my sense of excitement about the night ahead. Naomi had spent the afternoon reminding me of the need to be cool and to tell no one of what we had planned. If any member of staff got wind of it, they’d cancel the trip and we’d end up grounded for the foreseeable future. That was all I needed to know, and I spent a large chunk of the afternoon in my room, thinking it the safest option.
It was heaving as we approached the mile, which was little wonder given the warmth of the evening, and although the queues slowed the minibus to a crawl, it couldn’t dilute our excitement. In fact, it added to the euphoric expression on Naomi’s face. She looked so joyous that I was tempted to tell her to wind it in a bit. She was never usually so happy and was in danger of giving the game away.
‘This is perfect,’ she whispered. ‘With it being so busy it’ll be easier for us to slip away. Plus it’ll buy us some time as well, make it more difficult for them to find us quickly.’
I nodded keenly, liking the sound of it more by the minute.
After another half-hour we managed to get parked, then, after a brief lecture from Eric, we piled out of the van.
‘Listen, people,’ he’d trilled. ‘It’s not often we give this much leeway, so do yourselves proud, stick together and keep safe, you hear me?’
There’d been nods and varying levels of agreement, Naomi kicking up slightly at the prospect of having to trawl around with the likes of Susie (you had to give it to her, the girl could act when she needed to).
‘But most importantly, have a wicked time,’ shouted Eric, and he led us on to the seafront and the gaudy lights of the pleasure mile.
It’d been ages since Dad had brought me here, and longer still since I’d been at night. It could have been the mood I was in, but everywhere I looked I saw the potential to go mad, to lose myself in the mayhem. It wouldn’t be dark for another hour, but already the flashing neon and strobes from the fairground rides were taking over, invading and seducing me. I was never usually one for the roller coasters, but tonight I wanted to sample them all, suck every bit of adrenalin from every ride possible, to show Naomi I could match her each step of the way. Because if I could, then I knew there would be no room for all the other shit clogging up my brain.
We bounced along the seafront, pausing to grab money from Eric that we fed to the hungry machines. We rode motorbikes and cars, gunning them through exotic locations. We fired rounds of ammo in the most dangerous hotspots on earth, not caring about the hostages we took or the damage that rained down around us. The pound coins seemed to be endless and, apart from the odd one we pocketed to bolster our tobacco fund, we spent them greedily, as quickly as Eric could find them.
Everyone seemed to be high on the atmosphere. I’d never seen Paddy so entranced. He found one shoot-’em-up in the busiest arcade and didn’t move for the next half-hour. In fact, he didn’t even blink in that time, and I stood for a while just watching the drama unfold through the reflections in his eyes.
There were no arguments or snide comments between any of us, no simmering battles with the staff, just a collective high at being lost on the seafront.
It was almost a disappointment when Naomi pulled me to one side and said it was time to slide away.
‘Can’t we wait a bit longer?’ I’d pleaded, like a kid being told it was time to go home.
‘Nope, has to be now. It’ll be dark in twenty minutes and Eric’ll keep sharper tabs on us then. So here’s the drill. In a sec I’ll spin away. Two minutes after that and NO longer –’ she fixed me with a death stare – ‘you do the same. Just duck away and meet me by the old lighthouse, got it?’
I lifted my gaze above her head, fixing my eyes on our rendezvous point.
‘That one?’ I asked.
‘Of course that one,’ she hissed. ‘Don’t give the bleeding game away now, you idiot. Just chill out and soon as you see me go start counting, yeah?’
I nodded and watched her amble to the edge of the group, her eyes falling on a slot machine that took her fancy.
Suddenly I felt nervous, anticipation nibbling at my guts. I felt more alive than I had in months, almost drunk without a drop touching my lips. My eyes flicked around the others, to see if anyone had wind of what we were up to, but there wasn’t a sniff from any of them. Eric was in the middle of a two-player game with the student, while Susie, Jim and Paddy were sat side by side on motorbikes, eating up the roads of Monte Carlo.
I turned back to Naomi, feeling the need to tell her how much fun I was having, but she was gone, apart from the tight curls of her ponytail surfing through the crowd. I checked my watch, realizing there wasn’t a second hand for me to follow, and immediately felt self-conscious, like I had the word ‘guilt’ tattooed across my forehead.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Eric, despite knowing he’d see through me as soon as he glanced my way, and instinctively I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. It had probably only been ten seconds instead of two minutes, but it didn’t matter, it was now or never, and without hesitation I tucked my hands into my pockets, lowered my gaze and sidestepped into the crowds around me, allowing them to swallow me up. In seconds the top of Eric’s head disappeared, and as soon as it did I felt a smile engulf my face. I’d done it, exactly as Naomi had told me to, and now the fun could begin.