There was something mesmerizing about the waves, the way they broke against the rocks. Nothing put them off or distracted them, each of them approached the shore with the same intention and the same result as the one before.
I looked on, wishing that everything could be the same for me, that I could attack everything with the same simplicity, the same belief that I was going to succeed rather than wreck everything around me.
I focused on nothing but the sea, hoping I’d discover the answer there. I wasn’t going to find it through the others, not through Naomi or Patrick, Ade or even Bex. I had to try and figure it out myself, but I had no idea where to even start.
The tide had started to ebb when I heard someone approaching from behind and I leapt to my feet, fearful of another throttling. My shoulders sagged with relief to see it was only Ade, the usual hopeful grin plastered on her face.
I hoped there wasn’t a lecture on the way. I didn’t know how much of it I’d be able to take without running away or flinging myself off the edge.
I was surprised, then, when she stopped a few metres short of me, yanked the rucksack off her back and eased herself on to the grass.
‘Are you thirsty?’ she asked, brandishing a bottle of water.
I nodded, dehydrated enough not to throw it back in her face.
‘I see Naomi came to visit you this morning.’ It was a statement, not a question, and I hadn’t a clue how she knew. So I asked her.
‘It’s not a question of mind-reading. I’ve been with her long enough to know that if she has a problem with you she will always try and sort it out quickly.’ She paused as I rubbed at my neck. ‘Plus I can see her fingermarks on your throat. I hope she did not hurt you.’
I blushed, not realizing she’d left me a reminder at how much I’d let her down.
‘I’m all right. She only gave me what I deserved.’
Ade sighed deeply. ‘Ah, there you go again.’
‘Eh?’ I was confused. ‘I don’t get you.’
‘Always so quick to blame yourself.’ Her eyes bored a hole in me. ‘So tell me, what did you do that was so wrong?’
‘Don’t matter now, does it? Too late to take it back.’
‘Yes, that’s true. But sometimes saying it out loud lets you see it in a different way.’
She was starting to get on my wick. I knew what she was doing. I’d heard it before and I wasn’t biting.
‘It doesn’t matter, Daisy. On this occasion, you don’t even need to tell me. Because I know what you did. We all do. That is why the others were off with you last night. That’s why, to the rest of us, you are something of a hero.’
I couldn’t believe she was calling me that. It summed up everything that was wrong with her. Ever since we met she’d got it wrong. She’d called me a lucky charm, told me I was talented like my mum, and now I was a hero? It was too much.
‘What are you talking about? How can grassing Naomi up make me a hero? Because of me, she’s in trouble with the police, Eric’s not speaking to either of us and she nearly strangled me to death!’
Ade was on her feet as quickly as me.
‘Because of you, my friend, Naomi was able to come home last night. Because of you, the police found her partially clothed. Because of you, the boy she was with was not able to have sex with her while she slept.’ She cocked her head on one side. ‘See what I mean about saying things out loud? Tell me now that you shouldn’t have made that call. I dare you.’
I wanted to scream at her. I hated the logic she was trying to spew when she had no idea about me.
‘If I hadn’t agreed to go back with her to that flat, then there wouldn’t have been any need to call the police in the first place, would there?’
This seemed to amuse her even more, her shoulders jiggling as she spoke. ‘Oh, Daisy. You have not got to grips with Naomi at all, have you? If you had refused to join her, she would have gone anyway. She would have drunk more quickly, passed out earlier and been raped by the time you got home. I’m not saying that you didn’t make a mistake. It wasn’t the best idea to leave the others like you did, or to drink your bodyweight in left-over lager …’
I winced, knowing now she’d had the low-down from Naomi.
‘… but you have not damaged anyone. Far from it. Because of you, Naomi did not get hurt.’
My head throbbed with anger. I could feel it surging through my body, through every muscle, into each of my knuckles. In that moment I really did want to let rip at her.
‘What is it with you?’ I yelled. ‘Are you some kind of mystic or something? All I ever hear from you is what I’m not capable of, when you know nothing about me.’
It felt good to get it out, so I let myself go.
‘All right, so you’ve read my files and you’ve seen the state of my arms. You’ve talked to your poncey shrink mates and between you you’ve got me pigeon-holed. Worked out what label I’ve got round my neck. Well, I’ll tell you. Whatever label you wrote out, it’s wrong. You haven’t got a clue what I’ve done or what I’m capable of. But if you keep pushing me, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you it all, then you’ll get hurt too! At least then I’ll have you off my back.’
I stomped past her, knocking her shoulder with mine before slumping on to a rock, my hands shaking as I knocked a cigarette together.
‘Wow,’ she said, following me. ‘I had no idea that you were so powerful.’
What was she talking about? See? She had it wrong again. I wasn’t powerful at all. Everything I did hurt someone, but she didn’t get it and continued to goad me.
‘Do you honestly think that your words have the power to hurt me?’ It was alien for her to talk to me without a smile on her face. ‘This is what you are saying, isn’t it? That if you tell me what happened before the crash, then the same thing that happened to your dad will happen to me?’
I nodded, smoke billowing out of my mouth.
‘Well, let me tell you something. There is nothing you can say that will hurt me. There is nothing you can say that will surprise, shock, disgust me or make me walk away from you. Because whatever you think you have done, I have done worse.’
I was the one who wanted to laugh now. Was she for real? She ambled around every day, smiling and joking and jollying us all along. She was a bloody cheerleader. She couldn’t hurt anyone if she tried. So I told her that, in those exact words.
‘A cheerleader?’ She looked at me with wide eyes. ‘Are you kidding me?’
‘No, I’m not. Look, I’m grateful that you found me that first night, and that you kept me out of hospital, but you don’t know how I feel. How could you? You’re nothing like me.’
‘Is that right? So tell me, if I was more like you, if I was as powerful as you, would you tell me what was going on in your head?’
This was a non-conversation. We were so different, on such different levels, that there was no harm in saying yes.
So I did. Which pleased her immensely.
‘Then this is a breakthrough.’ She grinned and unbuttoned the cuff of her sleeve. And in that instant everything changed.