The news was greeted with a mixed response. Naomi looked pleased, so Patrick followed suit. Susie seemed close to tears as ever, while Jimmy took it as his cue to text furiously.
I was confused, so asked the obvious question.
‘When you say show, what do you actually mean?’ These were the first words I’d uttered in a community meeting since Naomi had exposed me and my heart skipped at the potential to be ridiculed again.
‘It’s exactly what I say. A show.’ Bex grinned. ‘A chance for each of you to share a talent or passion for something. It can be anything you like, as long as it is in no way harmful to anyone else in the group.’ She fixed Naomi and Patrick for a second, making it clear she meant them.
‘In six weeks it will be Christmas and, while I know that brings up insecurities for you all, it’s important we try and celebrate. To acknowledge the strides you’ve made in the past year.’ Bex paused, before adding with a grin, ‘All carers will be sharing too, make no mistake.’
‘And can we team up as well, do something together?’ Naomi asked.
‘All five of you? That would be great.’
Naomi sucked her teeth and looked disdainfully around the room. ‘You’re kidding. I was talking about me and Paddy.’
‘Yep, that’s fine, as long as you stay within the boundaries set.’
‘So how long have we got to practise, then?’
‘Three weeks. The stage will be set up for 7 December, so fix that date in your heads. No excuses. Everyone has to share something.’
You couldn’t have written the script. It was almost malicious. 7 December: my birthday – the day I turned fifteen. Well, that ruled out my planned trip to the Bahamas straight away. Not that my birthday was ever a day to be celebrated, not with what it meant for Mum.
Dad had always tried to ignore the double meaning of the date, but every year, before we celebrated, he’d take some flowers to the tree he planted for her. I never objected to sharing his time. I didn’t feel like I could, after my part in it.
But now, in the light of my new positive attitude, I forced good thoughts in, telling myself it would take my mind off the negatives. At least it would if I could work out what to share with the others.
I’d hardly say there was a buzz after the announcement. The staff thought it was hilarious, while Naomi and Patrick huddled up conspiratorially, glancing every now and then in my direction. Susie in particular was beside herself at the potential for further humiliation.
‘What am I going to perform?’ she wailed.
I shrugged. ‘Can you dance or something?’
She pointed at her dumpy legs and frowned. ‘Do I look like Darcey pissing Bussell to you?’
There was no answer to that, and I was pleased to catch sight of Ade, gifting me an opportunity to leave before I got sucked in further.
It was the first time I’d seen her in six days and I’d missed her enough to be irritated by her absence. I knew this was a job and that she had to take holidays, but her timing stunk. She knew it too, lacing her arm around me and giving me a squeeze.
‘My friend,’ she whispered. ‘You must be angry with me, deserting you like I have.’
‘’S OK,’ I lied.
‘I don’t believe you for a second. I owe you an apology and an explanation, one of which I can give you today. You’ll have to wait for the other.’
She was talking in riddles again, which was my cue to spark up a rollie, as I knew it would hack her off.
‘Do you want to walk today?’
‘I’ve got class.’
‘There are things we need to talk about. No one will mind. I’ve already told them we are going.’
I peered out of the window. It wasn’t raining for once. The mist was hugging the grass instead, so I shrugged non-committally and went to grab my coat.
There was a spring to her step, another gear in her stride, and she was humming louder than normal. I hoped it was the things we had to discuss that were making her so happy.
‘So how are you feeling after everything that’s gone on?’
‘Confused.’ I wasn’t going to lie to her. ‘I’ve never been asked the same questions so many times.’
‘These things are never easy. What that man did to you was so premeditated and manipulative that the police have to make everything clear for your sake. So he can’t wriggle out of what he did.’
‘Either that or they plain don’t believe me.’
She shook her head adamantly. ‘You see, there you go again, blaming yourself. Have you stopped to think that the police might just believe you?’
‘Why should they? It’s my word against his.’
‘Not any more, it’s not. Because of what you told them, they’ve made real strides towards prosecuting him.’
I slowed down, not sure if I was ready to hear what she had to say.
‘The things he said about his mother … that she was dead? All lies.’
My head fizzed. I wanted to sit down but sucked on my fag instead, the nicotine adding to my head-rush.
‘She is a sixty-seven-year-old woman living in Derby. She is ill, has been for a long time, but she is very much alive.’
Ridiculous as it seemed, part of me was disappointed. How could he have done that? To have dreamed up his story on the spot like that, all to kiss me? The rest of me just felt angry at him, and at myself for believing him. I mean, how could I have been so gullible?
I felt Ade grip me firmly by the shoulders.
‘Hey! Stop that! I know what you’re doing, reproaching yourself instead of him. Did you just hear what I said? Well, let me tell you again. Thomas Hobson is an abusive manipulator, and the news about his mother spurred the police on. They have been in touch with the other schools he’s taught at. Other girls have come forward, with stories no different from yours. Like you, they blamed themselves, didn’t realize they were being played in exactly the same way. They were too scared or too trusting to speak out.’
I listened to her intently, trying desperately to make her words sink in.
‘What you admitted was brave. What you did helped these other girls, just as it helped you. This isn’t the end of it. The police still have so much work to do, but you must believe what I say.’ Her arms danced in front of her, mesmerizing me into listening. ‘You must see this now. This is more power, more fuel for your mind. Look at the facts. Him kissing you was not your fault. It was his actions that made your father jump in the car that day, not yours. The guilt should always live with him, not with you.’
My head lurched back to the sight of Hobson by my hospital bed. His creased clothes and face, eyes that were felt-tip red. I hoped it was guilt that made him look that way, and that it would never leave him.
Ade let go of me, but held me with her eyes.
‘This is a turning point, Daisy Houghton. You must use this information to prove that you are not the monster you claim to be. I have told you this before, on the night I met you. You are my lucky charm, don’t forget that.’
After touching my cheeks lightly with her hands she marched on, not giving me a chance to ask what on earth she meant.
We power-walked around the headland that day, a weird sense of adrenalin and euphoria moving us along. We talked more about the police’s discovery and what it meant, and how I should concentrate even harder on questioning the thoughts of guilt that came now, and batter them with logic, refusing them head space.
But for once we also talked of other things, things that didn’t relate to the state of my head or the scabs on my arms. None of it was important, but that was the blissful part of it. It was throwaway stuff, banter, and for once I felt my age, like there was nothing sticking to me or weighing me down.
It must have been that feeling that led me to open my mouth.
‘You know, I’ve been thinking –’ which was a lie, as the impulse had only just grabbed me – ‘that it might be the time for me to think again about Dad’s ashes.’
‘Mmmm?’ mouthed Ade, although her body language suggested a greater, hidden excitement.
‘I mean, I still don’t want to have a load of people there. I’m not doing it for anyone else, but maybe we could do something round here, on the cliffs. Scatter his ashes or something?’
‘I think that would be terrific.’ She beamed, the corners of her mouth touching her ears. ‘For your dad and for you.’
‘How would it work, then?’ I asked, a late moment of fear kicking in.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, what would I have to say? Who would I have to invite? Everyone back at Bellfield?’
‘Daisy, don’t let fear creep in. How you do this is entirely up to you. It’s your bravery making it happen in the first place. It can be just you, or everyone, or just me. No one will be offended. No one even has to know. You know, this is actually the perfect time for you to take more control and not let things happen to you. Make them happen for you instead.’
It was a rare time that one of her riddles made sense and I promised not to chew it over in my head. I’d do it when I was ready, when I was comfortable, and with the people who understood why I was doing it.
And if anyone didn’t like it? Well, that was tough shit.
I’d make the choices. This was my goodbye. He was my dad, after all.