I peered above the duvet cautiously, expecting something hideous to welcome me to another birthday.
Sitting up slowly, I stretched the stiffness from my legs, trying to work out if I felt any different from how I had for the past year.
Nerves had been brewing for a few days, in part due to the prospect of facing a birthday alone and in part, ridiculously, because of the God-awful show that they’d hijacked us with. Three weeks had passed since they’d announced the plan, but it was mere hours since I’d finally settled on what I was going to share. I hoped the others wouldn’t lynch me for it, because what I’d lined up was hardly sword-swallowing.
The pressure must have shown, as Ade had been around a lot in the run-up to the day, especially in the evenings, when she knew the fear tended to grip me the hardest.
‘There will be times – anniversaries, significant dates in your life – that will threaten to overshadow your recovery,’ she had said, ‘even when you are well down the road. What is important is that you recognize it will only be a blip. If you keep questioning the dark thoughts they will pass, just as the date itself does.’
I took her at her word, challenging each thought, telling myself it was Hobson’s fault Dad was in the car that day, not mine, and in the most part that settled me down. Since scattering the ashes, something had shifted in my head, moved me away from the guilt, squarely into the arms of grief itself. I wasn’t blaming myself for him dying any more, I just missed him instead, and while this new pain was sharp, it rubbed upon me differently, making it easier to tell Ade what I really missed about him.
‘He sounds like a special man, and he would not want you to be sad on your birthday. So we must do all we can to make sure this day equals any celebration you have ever had.’
It was a big statement, huge in fact, but the faith I had in her made me sit up and listen, wanting to believe that she could be right.
When I spotted a card pushed under my door, with her writing on it, everything in me lifted, hopeful of the promise being kept, but after ripping off the envelope and devouring her words, my resolve slipped:
Good morning, birthday girl. Happy 15th to you!
I wanted to be here to give you this in person, but I have an appointment that cannot be missed, loose ends that need to be tied up.
Enjoy a restful morning, Floss has promised to make you a breakfast banquet in my absence, and I should be back in plenty of time for the show.
Everything will become clear later …
Ade
X
I tossed the card to the floor, not quite believing what I’d read. What was it with her? What was this knack of disappearing when I needed her most?
On my birthday, when the police came to interview me, even when I first arrived she didn’t show up. Did she have this in-built radar telling her to desert me when it actually mattered?
I fought hard to push the resentment down but couldn’t. She’d spent weeks preparing me for an event she said would be hard, then buggered off on the day itself.
It didn’t make sense and in my agitated state I didn’t want to give it any more head-space, so instead I spent the morning growling at anyone who dared to even say hello, never mind wish me a happy birthday.
I skulked through breakfast, picking at the eggs that had been made for me, not bothering to clear away my mess afterwards. Instead I slouched in the dining room, rolling cigarette after cigarette, despite the carers telling me I wasn’t to smoke in there. I was being a brat, doing a Naomi on them, but I couldn’t help it, couldn’t blow the fog away.
The buzz and excitement surrounding the show did little to help things either. Cliques were disappearing into rooms, costumes tucked under arms, smug smiles smeared on faces. Naomi was so full of herself she was in danger of overflowing. She danced around the dining room, circling me, pointing, mouthing the same word over and over again, ‘You, you, you’, her grin widening each time she sang. I had no idea what she was going on about, apart from knowing it was another of her threats. I hoped it was of the empty variety.
I started to fret about the paltry offering I had. Would anyone care what I was going to show them? Would it make sense, or change the way they looked at me? At the time it had seemed like a good idea, but as insecurity circled I wasn’t so sure. All I knew was that I didn’t want to sit around on the outside of everyone else’s excitement.
The next few hours were tough. The toughest in weeks.
The fuse I’d lit downstairs was burning shorter. It felt like I had to go back to scratch and work out another idea, something more in keeping with what the others were doing. But everything seemed beyond me. I was no singer, could barely run never mind dance, and I certainly wasn’t going to try and write a poem or anything. Can you imagine?
The fear was stinging, forcing me inside an endless cloud of tobacco, and by the end of the fourth cigarette I was doing all I could to keep myself away from the nail scissors. I paced the floor, speaking out loud, telling myself everything was fine, that it was only insecurity making me do this.
Rolling up my sleeve, I stared at my arm and its healing lines, reminding myself not to go back now. That tomorrow the fear would have subsided.
I wish I could tell you that I beat it on my own, that Ade’s strategies were holding firm, gifting me a way out of the panic. But the honest answer is, I was losing, giving in to it. I’d pulled out the bottom drawer and ripped off the tape securing the scissors, my hand shaking as I tried to reason with myself.
But it was too late. The blade rested gently on my skin, the anticipation of calm overwhelming.
A knock at the door almost jolted me into piercing the skin. As the handle turned, I shoved the scissors under my pillow, desperately hoping I’d done it quickly enough.
‘You all right?’ asked Floss, eyebrows arched in concern.
‘Kind of,’ I gasped, relieved and guilty at the same time.
‘You having an attack?’
I nodded. Didn’t have the strength to lie.
‘Have you hurt yourself?’
A shake this time.
‘Want to give me what’s under the pillow?’
‘Do I have to?’
She smiled sadly. ‘I’m not going to punish you, Daisy. We’re all so proud of what you’ve achieved, so let’s remove the temptation, shall we?’
My hand slid under the pillow and out again, palming the scissors to Floss.
‘Well done,’ she soothed. ‘You strong enough for a quick walk?’
‘Suppose.’
‘Nice one. Bex wants five minutes with you. Ade too.’
I wanted to put a face on, be stroppy now Ade was back, but I couldn’t. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than her reassurance. So, puppy-like, I followed Floss out of my room and towards Bex’s office.
They were laughing when I walked in. Didn’t even bother to stop when they saw my grey, waxy face.
Floss gave them a heads up instead.
‘Daisy’s having a difficult day,’ she said, ‘but she’s been fighting it. Winning too, eh?’ She rubbed the small of my back encouragingly.
Ade circled the desk and embraced me. If she felt my arms stiffen at my sides, it didn’t put her off.
‘We’ve been expecting this, haven’t we?’ She sighed. ‘And I know I’ve let you down by not being here.’
I pursed my lips and gave her the tiniest shrug, as if it was news to me.
‘There’s a reason Ade hasn’t been with you this morning,’ Bex said, sitting on the edge of her desk. ‘A good reason. Something that affects you, affects us all.’
I was in no mood for more Bellfield riddles and braced myself for another wave of therapeutic bullshit.
‘You’ve impressed us lately,’ she continued. ‘It’s hard to believe you’re the same girl who joined us only a few months ago. And I know how much of that has been down to the work you’ve been doing with Ade and the trust you’ve built up between you. That’s why we’ve called you up here first.’
I squirmed on the spot. Wherever this was heading, it had an ominous quality that I didn’t like.
‘Do you remember what I called you when you first arrived?’ It was Ade speaking now, but I daren’t take my eyes off Bex in case I missed something important from her. ‘Daisy?’
My head jolted around to face her.
‘The name I called you when I found you reacting to your medication. You remember?’
Of course I did. Her lucky charm. It was the one Ade riddle I’d never worked out.
‘The day you arrived I received some news, good news that you brought with you. But I couldn’t tell you what it was in case it all went wrong. Well, today they confirmed what I’d hoped. It really is good news.’
‘Can someone please tell me what the bloody hell is going on?’ I yelled, my voice cracking. ‘It’s like you talk a foreign language sometimes.’
My arsiness seemed to work as Ade reverted to the plain truth.
‘I am pregnant, Daisy.’ I saw immediately from her glassy eyes what this simple statement meant to her. ‘We have been trying for years. My man and I have been prodded by practically every doctor in the north of England, but with no success. On the day you arrived they told me I had one more chance, using new drugs. I was elated when they told me, but I was scared. Petrified. But when you arrived, and I saw how distressed you were, I knew that in fact I was lucky. You have something very special about you, Daisy Houghton. Real strength. And I knew you were bringing some of it for me. And I was right, because today they have confirmed everything. I am finally having a baby.’
I shouldn’t have hugged her so hard, but I couldn’t help it. It was a mixture of the kindness in her words and the tears snaking down her cheek that made me do it. All the time she’d been going through this and I hadn’t known. All the shit and doubt that I’d thrown her way and not once had she ever crumbled or told me to pull myself together. It was hard to believe anyone had that strength. So I told her exactly that, which drew a laugh that rumbled up from her belly.
‘We are both strong,’ she said, breathing deeply, ‘and that is why you will not miss me when I’m gone.’
My arms froze, still wrapped around her. What did she mean? I pressed my tummy against hers, trying to gauge the size of her bump. I was no expert, but it wasn’t like it was imminent or anything.
‘Gone?’ I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. ‘You’re not going anywhere yet, are you?’
Our embrace slipped, broken by Bex.
‘I’m afraid we have to put Ade’s health at the front of this now. We can’t have her at unnecessary risk.’
I was gobsmacked. ‘You think I’d hurt her?’
‘No, no, no,’ Ade insisted. ‘Of course not. But you have seen this place. You have seen the passion that runs through it. Things flare up quickly, without warning. It’s not a place I can afford to be.’
‘It’s not a place you want her to be either, is it, Daisy?’ Bex again.
Of course I didn’t, and I felt guilty for even thinking of myself before her. But I couldn’t help it. The other staff were OK, but they didn’t get me, not like she did. She’d been a cutter, been where I was now. If she wasn’t there guiding me along, I’d fall off again. I mean, I nearly had an hour ago, and I’d had no idea this was going on.
‘I know what you are thinking,’ Ade whispered, ‘but you will not break down again, not after what you have achieved. The things you have learned, your strategies, they need applying whether I am here or not. They are your weapons and with them intact there is little that can touch you.’
I straightened my back, my chin lifting defiantly, trying to show that I agreed, although everything inside me was crumbling.
What was I going to do? How the hell was I going to get out now?
‘You are in touching distance of a foster placement, Daisy. You were only ever here to gain understanding of what was going on. And now you have that … well, I have already been making a case to your social worker.’ She paused a second, long enough for me to catch a whiff of unease. ‘And she has listened to our thoughts.’
I knew what that meant. That bitch Evelyn didn’t believe any of it. She’d always thought I was mental and while I was here I probably kept her paperwork levels down. Anger bubbled, splitting my thoughts, leaving me incapable of saying anything. All I could do was squeeze Ade’s hand in support and try not to collapse in front of them.
‘We haven’t told any of the other residents yet,’ said Bex. ‘We wanted to let you know first. It’s important you keep it to yourself, at least until tonight. Apart from Naomi, we’ll tell everyone at the end of the show.’
I cringed, not liking the idea of being in on a secret. Naomi’s threats after the last time still echoed, but on the other hand she hadn’t spoken to me properly in weeks. I couldn’t see that changing before they told her.
‘No worries,’ I lied. ‘I’ll even look surprised when you tell everyone if you like.’
Bex seemed chuffed, relieved. ‘We knew you’d understand, Daisy. And we are all here for you. We’ll have you in a foster placement as soon as we possibly can.’
‘I know you will,’ I grimaced through a tight jaw. ‘Not long now, eh?’
I reinforced the words with a glance at each of them, seeing the pride on their faces.
But Ade? There was no pride. She was elated by her news, but she wasn’t buying any of my lies, and as I slumped out of the room I could feel her eyes burning into my back.