My fingers shook as I tried to slide the DVD into the player. I blew on my knuckles, hoping it would steady them, which drew a snort of derision from certain members of the audience.
After Jimmy’s song there was a huge swell of expectation in the room and my chest hammered at the knowledge I was about to slow things right down.
Trying to rationalize it, I knew I had two options: go ahead with my plan and humiliate myself, or leg it and face the same result. The second option was tempting, but somehow I found the balance to stay put. If I was going to get by without Ade, then I had to start fronting things out.
The DVD player whirred into life and the TV followed with the first press on the remote control. I stood chewing my lip as the copyright screen took an age to complete, ignoring Naomi’s exaggerated yawns.
Eventually the menu screen appeared and I selected the right chapter before turning to face everyone, immediately wishing they would dim the lights as they had before, so I could talk to a load of silhouettes.
‘Er, dancing has never really been my thing. Singing neither. This is the thing I love –’ I motioned to the screen behind me – ‘not so much telly, but films. My dad was a movie nut, so for as long as I can remember I have been too. I’ve spent more time watching them than anything else, so today I wanted to show you the best scene from my favourite film.’
There was a titter from the floor in front of me. ‘You’re kidding me, aren’t you?’
It was Naomi, of course.
‘Er, can you keep your opinions to yourself?’ hushed Bex, tapping her on the shoulder.
‘Well, it’s hardly impressive, is it? Me and Paddy spent hours getting our stuff together and you’re going to let her get away with pressing a button on a remote control?’
‘This is about sharing something. No one said it had to be a performance.’
Naomi turned her snarl back towards me. ‘Come on, then, get on with it. I’m dying for a fag.’
I swallowed the urge to tell her where to go, thinking carefully about what to say.
‘There’s loads of films I could say are my favourite, but The Shawshank Redemption is the one I watch if I need cheering up or am feeling ill. It’s not a comedy or anything. It’s about a guy who’s sent to prison for allegedly killing his wife –’
‘No wonder she likes it …’ The temptation was too much for Naomi.
‘Once more and I’ll ask you to leave,’ shushed Bex.
‘We know he didn’t do it, but he can’t prove it, and so he spends years, decades in Shawshank, where the guards all take advantage of him, making him do their tax returns and fiddling the prison books. All the way through it looks like he’s going to die in there, until … well, until this bit … I’ll shut up now and let it speak for itself.’
I hit the play button, turning the volume button up as high as it would go, feeling the goosebumps on my arms as the familiar scene started to unfold.
One of the carers flicked the lights off and that was it, I was transported. I could’ve been anywhere and as long as the film was playing I didn’t care what the others thought about it.
The first thing they saw was the prison governor finding the hole in our hero’s cell wall, then stirring music as he realizes that the prisoner he needed locked up more than any other has escaped.
It was like watching it for the first time again and I felt my whole body tense as the hero pulled his way through the sewage pipe. By the time he splashed from the human waste into the river outside the prison, tears were gathering in the corners of my eyes, and as he stood in the pouring rain, arms outstretched in joy as the camera spun above his head, I was completely in its grip, forgetting to turn it off as the scene ended.
The lights burned my eyes as I was thrust back into the spotlight and I tried to brush the tears away casually without anyone noticing. I’d had no clue, when I came up with the idea, that this scene would affect me again. After all, it was like the twentieth time I’d seen it.
It was too late to worry about it now. There were a dozen pairs of eyes all focusing on me, all of them asking the same question.
‘OK. Now what?’
I swallowed hard, any thoughts I’d prepared sailing clean out of the room. I had to say whatever came into my head and I had to say it before the knives flew from the front row.
‘I d-didn’t pick this film because it’s set in a prison,’ I stuttered, ‘and any similarities between the reprobates in it and the ones here are purely coincidental.’
There was a polite laugh from a couple of the staff and another ‘humph’ from the Blues Brothers.
‘This has been my favourite for a few years now, long before all the stuff with my dad happened, and to be honest I haven’t watched it since he died. In fact I haven’t watched any films since then.’
The realization shocked me. Had it been that long?
‘I suppose I felt like I haven’t deserved to watch anything. Why should I surround myself with something I love when I felt so responsible for all the bad stuff going on?’
Ade was watching me, wondering if all her hard work was unravelling in front of the whole community.
‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can identify with the guy in the film, even if I’m not really like him. This isn’t prison, even if it’s felt like one from time to time. And I’m not a prisoner either. At least not any more. For way too long I’ve felt like a bad person and I know some of you reckon I am as well. But that’s not who I am.
‘And the reason I love this film and this scene so much … ? It’s because I’m waiting for my moment like his. Did you see what it meant to him, the smile on his face? All that stuff in the prison, the years of torturing himself? In that moment, it doesn’t matter any more. It’s all in the past. And I can’t wait to feel like that. I’m waiting for that moment where all the guilt and all the bad stuff I think about myself washes away.’
I paused briefly, to see if anyone was with me, and they were certainly listening.
‘I didn’t think I’d ever have that moment. But now? I’m looking forward to it, because I know it’s coming. I just hope it’s soon.’
I didn’t know what to say after that. There was nothing left in my head, so I crouched down, ejected the DVD, turned off the TV and walked, head up, back to my seat, listening to the applause and ignoring the jeers. It was over and I didn’t have to fear it any more.