My eyes opened to strip lighting, nausea and a strong sense of déjà vu.
There was only one place that smelt as unhealthy as this and it was hospital – not a place I remembered with any kind of warmth.
Without looking I knew the layout of the room: the iron bed, cheap wooden dresser to its left, semi-comfortable PVC armchair to its right.
My stomach lurched as I remembered Hobson sitting there during my last stay and as the fug cleared from my head I became aware of a presence again, could hear gentle snoring rolling off the walls.
I dared myself to see who was there, only for a lightning bolt of pain to stop me, causing my stomach to flip.
The pain was white hot, screaming from the very top of my left arm, just before the shoulder joint. Gingerly, I lifted the gown to find a swathe of padding, its centre point dyed a ruddy red. I peeled away the tape that held it down, ignoring the nagging of my skin, and surveyed the damage.
It was a cut all right, not the long shallow ones I’d inflicted on myself but a short, ragged gouge, as if the knife had gritted its teeth to bury its way in. The knives in the kitchen at Bellfield always were on the blunt side.
The other difference was that I didn’t feel ashamed of this scar. There was a story behind this one with a bit more dignity. Maybe in time it would be one to show off instead of hide away. Well, maybe.
Any further inspection was cut short by a stirring beside me, a hand resting gently on my arm.
‘Well, well. You are finally awake, Daisy Houghton.’
The warmth of the palm was enough to tell me it was Ade and I forced my upper body to turn forty-five degrees, swallowing the bile that rose in my throat.
Was she OK? Had I done enough? What about the baby, how would I know?
My eyes sped to her belly and the other hand resting gently upon it. Her body shook with a low chuckle that set me at ease immediately.
‘It’s OK,’ Ade sang. ‘Naomi didn’t quite reach her target. Something else got in the way.’
My head fell back on to the pillow as the room tilted slightly. I felt a tear of relief as well as pain roll off my cheek, only to be caught by Ade. Her fingers soothed my face as she wriggled closer.
‘I was right all along, wasn’t I?’ she asked. ‘My lucky, lucky charm.’
I said nothing, just closed my eyes and let myself fall back into a dreamless state.
The doziness lingered for a while, though not as long as the nausea, which threatened each time I dared to change position. The other constant in the room was Ade, who seemed to be in the same place each time I woke. The only thing changing were the clothes she wore.
‘Maybe I should try and stay awake for more than ten minutes,’ I suggested.
‘Or maybe you should listen to your body until it’s ready. I don’t have anything in my diary now for, ooh, six months. Until then, I’m welded to this chair. In fact, they might have to cut me out of it to deliver this baby.’
Laughing wasn’t a good idea. It stretched the stitches, but the giggle felt good all the same and I made a mental note to try it again soon. It had been too long.
I knew as well that there were other things to ask about. What had happened to Naomi? Had Jimmy managed to keep a lid on Patrick when he’d woken up? But whenever Ade saw these questions forming in my mouth, she told me not to rush. So I listened, swallowing down each thought that came, even the biggest of them all: ‘What happens to me now?’
But the questions didn’t go away, no matter how I tried to dismiss them. Would I return to Bellfield? What did that mean for Naomi? They wouldn’t put us under the same roof again, would they? If not, then it had to mean a foster family, but was I normal enough to fit in? Would anyone dare take a chance on me?
These questions dogged my waking moments, to such an extent that I almost hugged Evelyn when she finally made an appearance.
‘Well, you have been in the wars, haven’t you?’ she tutted, shuffling the papers that fell out of my now full file.
Attempting a smile at Ade, she perched on the edge of the bed and paused to find the right words.
‘It’s been so pleasing … surprising, to hear of your progress from Adebayo here.’
I searched her face for sincerity as the words trickled out.
‘In fact, everyone at Bellfield has vouched for the resilience you’ve shown in the last six months. They feel very strongly that the community doesn’t offer you the kind of care you need now. That you’d be better off – with support, I might add – in a more traditional family set-up.’
I looked at her blankly. Her riddles were as bad as Ade’s.
‘With a foster family, Daisy,’ she said, pronouncing each word emphatically in case the doctors had given me a lobotomy. ‘I have to say that I would rather undergo a period of evaluation before making such a leap, but in light of the shenanigans this week, it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to head back to Bellfield.’
My head whirred.
‘You mean because Naomi’s still there?’
Why on earth would they do that after what she did? I didn’t like to think about how she’d target the others, Jimmy in particular.
‘You mustn’t worry about Naomi, or anyone else, Daisy,’ interrupted Ade. ‘This is not about them, it is about you.’
‘But you have to look after Jimmy,’ I gabbled. ‘He followed me after I saw Naomi and Paddy. He laid Paddy out, gave me the chance to …’
Ade’s hands pointed up in submission. ‘We know what Jimmy did, he told us. Several times. I’ve never seen him so proud in his life.’
‘So you have to keep her away from him. Paddy too!’
‘Relax. Jimmy is fine. In fact, he’s enjoying the attention now that Naomi and Patrick have moved on.’
I heaved a sigh of relief and sagged against the pillows.
‘Moved on? Bex hasn’t kept them together, has she?’
‘It does not matter where. All you need know is that we’ve found somewhere that will help them with their issues, somewhere where they will receive more time and attention. And no, they won’t be in the same place.’
‘I’m surprised you’re even concerned about Naomi after what she tried to do,’ added Evelyn, scrawling illegibly on a pad. ‘What you need to focus on is being healthy.’
‘So where does Daisy stand?’ Ade asked. ‘Have there been any developments?’
‘As a matter of fact there have,’ Evelyn replied, and with a flourish she produced a second file.
‘As I say, we haven’t had a lot of time to put a placement together, and this couple, while incredibly keen to have you …’ She paused, as if searching for the right words.
‘What?’ I asked. ‘Are they Satanists or something? Because, to be honest, it doesn’t matter to me.’ I just didn’t want to go back, not if Ade wasn’t going to be there.
‘Well, it matters to us. The last thing you need is unnecessary upheaval. We want this to be a long-term move for you, Daisy.’
The gravity of that statement floored me. She was talking about a new family – people who would replace Dad – and I still didn’t know if I was ready for that.
‘And they know about me, do they? They’ve read my file? Know about the cutting and everything?’
‘Of course. They know everything we know about you, and despite their lack of experience of young people with your kind of needs we think you will really get on with them.’
I noticed a crease on Ade’s forehead and for a second dreamed of her volunteering to take me in herself.
‘But Daisy wouldn’t be their first foster child, would she?’ she asked.
Evelyn flicked through the file, tapping a section of interest.
‘No, no. They have fostered before. A boy. A bit younger than Daisy, but not without his own challenges by the looks of things.’
I didn’t like the shake of the head that accompanied those words, but before I could question her, Ade jumped in.
‘But you have met them?’
‘I have.’
‘And you think Daisy will like them.’
‘I’m sure she will. In fact, you won’t have long to wait to find out. I’ve arranged for them to come and meet you both this afternoon.’
My scars prickled with fear. Ade’s hand fell on to mine and squeezed gently. This was all moving so quickly, I just hoped I could keep up.