10
Loving Community
Gary’s friend was visiting a church recently and casually took a seat about midway toward the front of the worship center. Like most people, he prefers a seat on the aisle and took the first seat in the row of chairs. Within a few minutes, he noticed a woman walk past him and glance at the exact seat where he was sitting. She walked to the front of the auditorium and back again twice, each time glancing in his direction. On her third trip down the aisle, she stopped and asked, “Young man, are you going to be sitting there?” The friend replied that, yes, he was planning to sit there throughout the worship service. She then asked, “Would you mind moving? You see, that is my normal seat, and I’d like to sit there.” Even though he thought this was odd behavior, Gary’s friend decided it would be best if he moved. Since numerous other seats were available, he simply sat down in the row immediately in front of where he had been sitting.
No doubt, we all have experienced a similar situation in our own churches. We are creatures of habit, and we like to sit in the same familiar place week after week. In larger churches, it may not be as apparent, but particularly in smaller churches the pastor can tell who is absent just by observing who is not sitting in their normal places.
“May I have your seat?” People answer yes to this question in churches with loving communities of faith.
Room for Me?
Have you ever wondered why people attend and remain at your church? In most communities in North America, people could support any number of churches. People do not have to attend church. Rather, it is a matter of choice. One factor that influences people to remain at a church is the sense of it being a loving community, and several questions come into play when people evaluate whether a church is a loving community.
Does the Church Have Room for Me Physically?
A few weeks ago when Gary was consulting with a church, during the worship service he quietly slipped out and walked through the parking lot. While he was observing the parking situation, two people drove into the lot and circled around looking for a parking space. When they could not find one, they returned to the exit and left. If guests do not perceive a church has enough room for them, they leave or do not return for a second visit. People notice if a church meets their needs regarding ease of traversing the buildings and campus. If a building has too many stairs, ice is not removed from walkways in the winter, or restrooms are not handicap accessible, people may not want to attend that church.
Does the Church Have Room for Me Culturally?
Today there is a great need for churches that are culturally appropriate, but what is considered culturally appropriate covers a wide span of thinking. Consider two key aspects of cultural fit. First, when guests attend your church, one thing they do is look around to see if others in attendance look like them. Newcomers want to know if others have similar backgrounds or are in similar life stages. They hope to find people who have the same interests. And they particularly look for specialty groups that meet their needs. Second, when guests attend your church, they expect it to be contemporary in the best sense of that term. Cultural observer and anthropologist Charles Kraft defines a contemporary church as one that impresses “the uninitiated observer as an original production of the contemporary culture, not as a badly fitted import from somewhere else.”1 Otherwise, people want the atmosphere to have the look and feel of home. Is the church somewhere people feel in place or out of place? To use a missionary term, is the church indigenous?
Does the Church Have Room for Me Relationally?
Fit churches are characterized by joy, warmth, love, and expressions of genuine happiness. Yet people desire more than a friendly church. What they really want are friends. Many individuals grew up in a milieu of broken relationships, divorce, and loneliness. They are looking for family, and the church is the perfect place for them to receive this type of connection. They are highly committed to their friends and relationships. For many, friends are the only stable family they know. After attending your church for a few weeks, people notice if members are making room for them in the various classes and/or small groups. They will discover whether the cliques can be penetrated or if groups and classes are closed off to them. People want to connect with the teachers, the small group leaders, and the people—not just the content.
Does the Church Have Room for Me Actively?
Too often in modern churches the professionals do ministry and the people sit and watch or take notes. This type of passive classroom approach to church is not appropriate today. People do not simply want to study spirituality; they want to be immersed in it. In other words, they want the lab first and then the lecture. In addition, they want to participate fully in their own spirituality. They do not want a professional to talk to God and then tell them about it. People wish to immerse themselves in the event, experience, and topic they are studying. This is really no different from elements of our normal experience. When Gary wanted to play basketball for his high school team, he did not aspire to sit in a class listening to a coach lecture about basketball; he wanted to play the game and be coached on how to play better.
Is Church Worth My Time?
The demand on people’s time in our society is strong. Once people begin attending your church, they will ask, “Is it worth my time to attend?” and “Is it worth my time to participate in the ministry?” People will judge whether to become involved in worship, ministry, classes, or groups based on how each meets their specific needs.
Needs of People
An old Jewish story tells of a rabbi who asked the Lord to show him heaven and hell. “I will show you hell,” said the Lord as he opened the door to a room. Inside was a large round table with a pot of delicious stew in the center. The people in the room were equipped with long-handled spoons, but they were starving. They were able to dip the spoons into the stew quite easily, but because the spoon handles were longer than a person’s arm, they were unable to get the nourishing food to their mouths.
“Now I will show you heaven,” said the Lord. This time the rabbi saw a room identical to the first, except the people were well-nourished, laughing, and talking. They had the same long-handled spoons but somehow had overcome this handicap. To the puzzled rabbi, the Lord explained, “It’s simple but requires a certain skill—they have learned to feed each other.” The people in heaven were obviously prospering in an atmosphere of giving and receiving. If someone would refuse to give and receive, the system would collapse.
The story illustrates a central need for members of any church—everyone needs to be willing to give and to receive. However, you should address the following needs if your church is to be fit.
A Sense of Belonging
The world we live in is marked by loneliness. To combat the loss of community, some people go to nightclubs, others become overly involved in volunteer organizations, still others go anywhere they can to be around people. For example, they make a daily visit to the bank or the mall. God expects Christians to band together, caring, loving, and growing into a community where relationships are not superficial but penetrating and meaningful.
A Sense of Purpose
When members understand the biblical reasons for a church and their participation in it, they develop a sense of purpose. Personal growth is most effectively accomplished through a group of Christians who are committed to Christ, one another, and ministry in the world.
A Knowledge of What Is Expected
All churches have rules, often called norms, under which members agree to abide while in the church. Members must have a part in determining these rules so they can live and work effectively toward the group goals. In some clear detail, church members must know what the church expects of them so they can participate in a confident manner.
A Part in Planning the Future
People need to play a part in structuring the church’s overall plans and goals. This need is satisfied when their ideas get a fair hearing. Goals and plans must be within reach; if members sense the plans cannot be reasonably accomplished, then they will lose heart in the church.
A Challenging Atmosphere
Because of time constraints, people must make choices regarding how they use their time. For people to remain involved in a church, they must feel challenged in their thinking and in how they use their gifts. They must feel stretched within the range of their abilities and interests, and they must trust their work in the church will lead to the accomplishment of its goals.
An Understanding of What Is Going On
Members need to be kept informed. What people are not informed about, they often oppose. Keeping members informed is one way to give them status as individuals. Leaders usually think they have communicated effectively, but those who listen sometimes find they do not understand what is being stated. The following humorous story will serve as an illustration.
At the height of the vacation season one year, a trained investigator mingled with the crowds at Grand Central Station in New York City. He asked, “What is your destination?” of ten people and received the following responses: “Protestant.” “Mind your own business.” “I’m a shoe salesman.” “Home, if I can find my wife.” “I’m learning to be a mail clerk.” “Checkers.” “Shut your mouth.” “I don’t know you.” “Hoboken.” And “I believe in faith, hope, and charity.”
Obviously, we must never assume we have communicated to the members of our church.
In the fall, when you see geese flying south for the winter, they will most likely be in a “V” formation. They fly that way naturally. As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the bird immediately behind. By using this flying formation, the entire flock adds about 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew alone.
When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the draft of trying to go it alone and quickly returns to the formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the flock. As the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the formation and another goose flies the point.
If a goose becomes sick or wounded and falls out of formation, two geese fall out and follow him down to provide assistance and protection. They stay with the fallen goose until it is restored to health and then together they launch out with another formation to catch up with the group.
Fit churches follow the pattern of geese but use some of the following ministry approaches to build a loving community.
Building a Loving Community
First, fit churches nurture an atmosphere of acceptance and love among their people. Walk into any church and you can sense the atmosphere. While it is hard to put a finger on what atmosphere actually is, it is easy to feel it, especially when you’re a newcomer. The sounds, smells, colors, lighting, and noisy buzz of people gathered in a close space create the atmosphere. It is especially noticeable in the welcome or lack of welcome newcomers receive, the willingness of people to talk to strangers, and the laughter that wafts over the conversations. The makeup of the worship team sends a strong signal of acceptance or rejection to people as they observe the ages, ethnicities, and personalities of those on stage.
Second, fit churches offer a small group ministry to build community. Developing a network of small groups within the church community is almost a necessity. People are looking for close, personal relationships. Intimacy is key, and for this reason, small groups are an extremely important aspect of church fitness. Small groups must be designed for a variety of needs: study, personal growth, ministry, worship, pastoral care, evangelism, and special needs or tasks. Nearly all fit churches have at least one support or recovery group. While a small group ministry does not guarantee a church will be fit, a church will be limited without it. Therefore, fit churches offer small group experiences built around people’s needs. Typically, in fit churches, over two-thirds (70 percent) of the members attend a small group, and they talk positively about the level of spiritual care they receive.
Third, fit churches welcome and follow up with guests well. One of the most overlooked areas of church fitness is the process for making guests feel welcome and following up with them after the service. The church, more than any other organization, should be open to greeting and connecting with newcomers. Fit churches take full responsibility for incorporating guests into the community by designing an intentional flow of ministry that touches on the following six areas of ministry.
Connecting. Helping new people understand and become a part of the church beyond Sunday morning worship.
Learning. Helping people discover their unique talents, passions, and gifts.
Growing. Helping people grow spiritually as they use their gifts in service.
Matching. Helping people find appropriate places to serve inside or outside of the church.
Coaching. Helping people develop in their ministry experiences.
Recognizing. Helping people celebrate the way God has made them and used them in ministry.
Fourth, fit churches help people make friends in the congregation. Jesus said, “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). People will drive a long way to connect with a church that provides substance beyond simple words such as “we care” and “we’re glad you’re here.” While most churches are friendly, what most people want are friends. Thus, fit churches organize ways to help people build friendships. This may be done through programs (e.g., couples’ fellowship dinners), creating centers for community (e.g., some churches rearrange church facilities to create several places for people to gather casually), or stressing involvement in small groups. But fit churches realize people must find at least seven friends in a church if they are to remain for a significant period of time.
Fifth, fit churches handle conflict well. The stresses and strains created by changes in a growing church quite regularly lead to conflict. In some cases, the conflict is simply between a few people, while in other cases it is church-wide. Yet fit churches have found effective ways to handle conflict in a responsible and biblical manner. In most situations, the church board has received some training in conflict resolution and is thus prepared for disagreements that may arise. Leaders deal quickly with issues rather than letting concerns reach a pressure point that may explode into larger conflict. People are urged not to listen to criticism but to encourage critics to speak directly to the individuals being criticized. The pastoral staff and visible leaders model healthy respect and support for one another, even when everyone does not agree. Leaders hold to the principle that “Those who know don’t talk; those who are talking don’t know.”
Sixth, fit churches provide regular opportunities for fellowship and community. The early church devoted much energy to “fellowship,” which was demonstrated in the fact that they regularly “were together” and took “their meals together” (Acts 2:44, 46). As a result, the believers “were of one heart and soul” (Acts 4:32). No doubt the busyness of our society makes it difficult for God’s people to spend time together. Thus, fit churches provide multiple ways for people to gather in fellowship. Some churches provide low-cost meals so families can gather at church on a weeknight. Other churches schedule quarterly or monthly events to encourage people to come together in fellowship. A few churches with enough space have started food courts to encourage worshipers to stay around after the worship service and talk with others.
Five Types of Churches
Beginner Churches
Beginner churches welcome guests in a haphazard manner. Newcomers are left on their own to make friends and find a group or class in the church’s ministry program. The atmosphere is usually friendly on the surface, but it is difficult to break through the social barriers to be accepted into the community. Long-term members sense the church is a loving community, but newcomers are not so sure. These churches offer a few classes or small groups, but they are often sealed off from newcomers due to the tight friendships among class or group members.
PLAN OF ACTION IF YOU LEAD A BEGINNER CHURCH
- Analyze how many guests visit the church each year and how many stay for six months or longer.
- Organize a team to begin designing a welcome plan for newcomers.
- Encourage the pastor to preach or teach on the topic of welcoming strangers in the Bible, applying the theme specifically to the church.
- Interview a few new people to get their impressions of the church upon visiting.
- Seriously consider how the church can improve guests’ first impressions.
Novice Churches
Novice churches have taken the first steps to becoming a loving community. At least one church-wide fellowship time is scheduled a year and everyone is encouraged to attend. These churches have established initial small group ministries and at least two small groups or classes are offered for every one hundred adults.
PLAN OF ACTION IF YOU LEAD A NOVICE CHURCH
- Recruit some newer people (those who have been in your church less than two years) to oversee the church’s welcome ministry.
- Conduct a focus group with some of the newer attendees to reveal the barriers to their involvement in the church community.
- Start or build on the church’s small group ministry by adding some new groups so that at least three small groups exist for every one hundred adult attendees.
- Schedule at least two all-church gatherings per year to help build friendships and community.
- Have the church board or leaders complete a Bible study on how to handle conflict biblically.
Intermediate Churches
Intermediate churches have made a commitment to enlarge their small group ministries and are attempting to keep a ratio of four small groups for every one hundred adults in the church. Leaders have spoken to newcomers and have a good handle on the ways in which the church’s atmosphere is both positive and negative, and they are attempting to create a more welcoming atmosphere. These churches recognize the importance of helping people make friends and build a sense of community and have started programs to improve in this area. They also offer at least two church-wide fellowship times each year.
PLAN OF ACTION IF YOU LEAD AN INTERMEDIATE CHURCH
- Have the church’s connection team visit other churches to learn the best welcoming practices.
- Send the leader of the welcome team to a conference on connection ministry.
- Bring in a conflict management specialist to train church leaders on handling conflict well.
- Start enough small groups to maintain a ratio of five small groups for every one hundred adult attendees.
- Schedule three to four church-wide fellowship events for community building this next year.
Advanced Churches
Advanced churches work hard to create an atmosphere of acceptance among their people. Leaders set the standard and intentionally recruit additional leaders to reflect the wide range of people in the congregation. These churches also establish enough small groups each year to keep a ratio of five small groups for every one hundred adults in the congregation. They arrange the facility to provide centers of community throughout the building and grounds (e.g., coffee shop and tables, fellowship areas with couches and chairs, etc.) and offer at least four church-wide fellowship gatherings a year.
PLAN OF ACTION IF YOU LEAD AN ADVANCED CHURCH
- Bring in a church consultant to evaluate the church’s connecting ministry.
- Appoint a single person to oversee the small group ministry.
- Appoint a single person to oversee the connecting ministry of the church.
- Consider how the church might remodel to encourage more community engagement among worship attendees.
- Evaluate the atmosphere (sounds, smells, colors, lighting, and feel) of the church and make corrections as needed to improve it.
Elite Churches
Elite churches maintain a practice of starting new small groups so about 20 percent of its total groups are less than two years old. A small group pastor oversees the entire program, and enough small groups are started to maintain a ratio of seven small groups for every one hundred adults in attendance. There is a well-planned and executed welcome and connecting plan in place for reaching new guests, which is evaluated and tweaked yearly. These churches also offer numerous fellowship gatherings throughout the year so everyone has the opportunity to meet others.
PLAN OF ACTION IF YOU LEAD AN ELITE CHURCH
- Hire a full-time small group pastor.
- Hire a full-time connections pastor.
- Maintain a ratio of seven small groups for every one hundred adult attendees.
- Host a church-wide event on how to handle conflict in the church.
- Complete an entire evaluation of the church’s connection ministries every three years and make ample adjustments as needed.
People will not stay long at a church if they do not feel accepted and embraced. In an increasingly disconnected world, the church that provides a means to assimilate people will heighten its loving community factor. People long to be part of an authentic community. Do all you can to meet this need.