Tongue Tied

“The best measure of the health of any relationship is the quality of the communication in it. Every single thing that we can’t or won’t talk about, openly and without fear or shame, is a crack in the relationship’s foundation.”

—FRANKLIN VEAUX AND EVE RICKERT, MORE THAN TWO

WE ALL WANT TO FEEL HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD. With partners, with friends, with coworkers, communication is essential to human interaction. But just because we’ve all been practicing it since we uttered our first words doesn’t mean we’ve learned how to communicate effectively.

Especially when it comes to a romantic or sexual relationship, good communication is essential. Most people would agree with that, but when you dig down into details and applications, it gets a little trickier.

So what does good communication in a relationship mean? It means when you speak you feel heard. It means each person in the relationship has empathy for their partner, and everyone has both their own and the other person—or people’s—well-being in mind. It means feeling safe bringing up your feelings, fears, wants, and desires. Knowing that when you speak up you won’t be criticized, judged, or shamed. That you have a safe space to share what’s going on with you, and that you’ll truly be listened to and understood.

Think about your earliest friendships, when you were a kid. Sharing secrets was one of the biggest signs of close friendship. We’d whisper or pass notes, and these confidences were shared with only our closest friends. Hopefully our communication styles have grown a bit since those days, but the essentials are the same: we feel the closest to the people we feel most comfortable sharing with.

And to be fair, maybe some of it hasn’t changed that much. Where once we passed notes in the halls, now we might exchange text messages. Instead of whispering to someone under the covers with flashlights lighting your face, we have postsex pillow talk. But one thing remains the same—these are the ways we experience intimacy.

Think about how you felt the first time someone leaned over and whispered, “Can I tell you a secret?” Do you remember the rush of excitement? The feeling you got because someone trusted you that much? And not only that, but how eager you were to hear what they were going to tell you?

Our secrets may have changed, but we can recapture those feelings in our adult lives, too. That exchange of vulnerability. Giving another person the chance to reject or accept us, and thrilling when the new information we’ve shared brings us closer. You can play with sharing secrets as a way to build intimacy with the section coming up.

Sharing our secrets, or any vulnerable information, means handing another person a way to hurt us, and when they don’t use the information against us, that brings us closer. So when we’re learning to talk to our partners, we also need to learn how to listen. We need to figure out how to hear what’s being said fully, before we let our minds start racing with how that information affects us. We need to listen without planning how we’re going to respond. And we need to listen with kindness and empathy. It’s the only way to build strong and lasting relationships.

Read on for ways to practice not only communicating your needs, but valuable listening skills, too.

“The idea of choice in relationships is key in any relationship structure. Monogamy is considered automatic and the ‘normal’ way of being in a relationship. But I believe all relationships would benefit from actively choosing to be with one another within whatever relationship structure works for those particular partners.”

—RENA MCDANIEL, PRACTICAL AUDACITY

Whether you choose to be monogamous or in some variety of open relationship, it’s important to discuss the specifics of what that means to you. Many hurt feelings, and sometimes even breakups, happen because a relationship boundary was crossed that one party didn’t even know existed.

Like with sex, we consider what we think about relationships to be obvious, and so we don’t always voice our assumptions about what being in a relationship means. Sometimes we haven’t even been explicit about being in a relationship.

Say you’ve been hanging out with someone for a while. You go on dates, you have sex, maybe you’ve even met some of each other’s friends. These things often progress organically, such that a “let’s talk about us” conversation never happens. In this scenario, it would be easy for one person to think that was a capital-R relationship, while the other person has another word for what they’re doing, or maybe no word at all.

Say the person who thinks it’s a relationship also thinks that relationships are always sexually exclusive, while the other person either doesn’t think this is a relationship, or even if it is, they are used to open relationships. They might have sex with someone else, truly believing there’s no reason not to. But when the person they’ve been spending time with finds out, they could be crushed.

Things like this can happen without anyone acting maliciously. But even without cruel intentions, feelings can get hurt.

This is why it’s always best to be absolutely explicit about any expectations you might have. If you’ve reached a point with someone where you expect them to be monogamous, that needs to be explicitly communicated. Not only that, but you need to define what monogamy means to you. You might be rolling your eyes at me right now, saying surely this one is obvious to everyone.

What about going out for drinks with a coworker of the gender you’re attracted to, just the two of you?

What about a quick kiss on the lips as a greeting with a close friend? Or with a former partner?

What about talking about your sex life with friends? Or with strangers on the Internet?

Each of these are examples I’ve heard that led to fights because one person thought the activity was clearly innocuous, while the other thought it was a breach of their monogamy.

And these are just a handful of examples. I’m sure you can think of a lot more. And, in fact, I encourage you to.

As an exercise, sit down and think about what being in a relationship means to you. What do you consider fidelity, or loyalty? What emotional or sexual boundaries do you expect to maintain in a partnership?

Also, it can be helpful to think about which of those are absolutes that you need in place for your own well-being, and which could be negotiable. Sometimes you won’t know this until it comes up, but it’s useful to know where there’s room for healthy compromise.

Once you’ve gone through these ideas and added your own, compare lists with your partner. And make sure to drill down to specifics as much as possible. You can’t think of everything that might come up, but having an open dialogue about these issues is really helpful.

Make sure this doesn’t become about policing someone’s behavior, but instead talking about each of your comfort levels with the different activities.

No matter how much talking you do, there’s always a chance that a boundary will be crossed at some point. If that happens, have a conversation about why it happened. Was the boundary unclear or unknown? Was someone acting out because they don’t think the boundary is fair? Only by figuring out why it happened can you address the real problem.

Talk of boundaries can get complicated, fast. Especially in open relationship circles, there are a lot of differing ideas about how to express boundaries in a relationship. Some people who practice open relationships are very couple-centric, or hierarchical. For these folks, it’s very common to have explicit rules about what can and can’t happen with other people, sometimes with a great degree of detail.

For other people, like relationship anarchists, these boundaries sound like coercion or unhealthy levels of control and are considered unfair both to the partner and to the additional people that person might engage with.

The minutiae of these distinctions are beyond the scope of this book, but it is valuable to take a look at some of the broader issues around establishing boundaries so you can make an informed decision when you’re considering your own boundaries.

Before you establish any boundaries, think about why you want them and how they’ll affect your relationship. We often set rules (and call them boundaries) to help manage our own fears or insecurities. In these cases, it can be helpful to work on our own feelings and responses rather than trying to control our surroundings and relationships. Because ultimately, not everything can be controlled, and we’ll have to confront those feelings eventually.

Boundaries are about taking care of ourselves. Every time you feel uncomfortable or upset, it’s a chance to learn something about yourself, and perhaps to learn about a boundary you need to set.

If you’re dating someone who likes to be spontaneous and make last-minute plans, and you’re someone who likes to know your whole week’s schedule in advance, that can be a problem. Perhaps this person says to you, “Maybe we can get together on Friday?” And you agree and put Friday in your calendar. Then Friday rolls around and you don’t hear from them. You text, only to find out that they ended up going on a weekend trip. They thought the plans were tentative; you didn’t. If this upsets you, you might need to set a boundary about scheduling. Maybe you tell people you’re involved with that you plan a week in advance, and if they want to see you, they need to plan in advance, too.

That won’t work for some people, and that’s okay. We always have to filter for folks who are a good fit for us. Doesn’t mean the spontaneous person or the schedule-oriented person is wrong—they just might not be right for each other. But maybe scheduling a date night is no big deal for the spontaneous partner and they’re happy to do it in order to see you. Then that person knows what you need, and that clarity can set people at ease. And you can feel calm about your schedule rather than resentful as you wait by your phone for them to call.

Saying what kind of notice you need for scheduling a date is ultimately about you. But things tip over into being controlling when you’re making rules about what a partner can do or how they can use their time. If instead of saying you needed notice for dates, you said, “You can’t take that weekend trip with your friends because I’ll be lonely without you,” that isn’t a boundary anymore, that’s exerting control. Controlling behavior often works to isolate people from their friends and family, and is one of the red flags to look out for in an abusive relationship.

“Controlling behavior can start small, such as dictating someone’s schedule or whereabouts, but can morph into abusive dynamics when the power imbalance increases. Some of the signs of this include the use of manipulation, coercion, threats, or verbal or physical harm to enforce the power imbalance. Every member of a relationship must have the right to give feedback, seek compromise, set personal boundaries, and express thoughts and feelings safely. One of the reasons we seek to exert control is as a way of managing anxiety, insecurity, fear, or loss. When we can identify those underlying feelings or needs we can be more effective in communicating boundaries, wants and needs with our partners. This can prevent us from using other tactics that can cause harm to our partner and the relationship as a whole. Someone’s love for you, or commitment to you, does not preclude them from engaging in abusive behaviors to get their needs met. Likewise, your love for them does not mean you must accept these patterns to get your needs met. If you’re worried you’re experiencing these dynamics and feeling unable to safely shift it on your own, it’s important to get help from a trained professional.”

—ANGIE GUNN, LCSW CST

Most of all, trust your gut. And if something doesn’t feel right, run it by a friend, family member, or therapist. The desire to please a partner can be very compelling, so make sure you check in with yourself on a regular basis to see how you’re feeling about your relationship.

One of the quickest ways we get into trouble is by expecting our partners to read our minds. The problem is, we don’t always know we’re doing it. It’s natural to assume other people feel the same way we do about things. You’ve heard the adage “the problem with common sense is that it’s not common”?

That happens to us in relationships, too. Whether it’s how you think sex should go (“I perform oral sex on you and then you perform oral sex on me”) or sharing household chores (“I cooked, so you do the dishes”), just because something seems perfectly clear to you doesn’t mean the other person is on the same page.

Sometimes it’s hard to figure out our expectations in the abstract. One surefire way to figure out when an expectation isn’t being met? When you’re feeling upset or frustrated. When that happens, it’s important to think about why it happened. Were you expecting to hear from your partner and they never called? Did you think if you gave them a massage, they’d offer you one in return?

Often it turns out we had an expectation we never articulated. These examples have easy fixes: tell your partner what you want. It could be, “I’m going to have a stressful day, so can we have a phone call in the evening?” Or “My back is killing me, would you like to exchange massages?” It’s important that we give our partners a chance to meet our needs before getting upset that they haven’t magically done it.

If this is new for you, it might be tricky at first, but try to articulate as many of your expectations as possible to your partner. That way they can agree to meet those expectations, or they can negotiate something different. But you’re not stuck with emotional land mines when unspoken expectations aren’t being met.

In the example of someone not calling, say you practiced the ask, that you were having a bad day and would like to talk. Your partner could say, “Actually, I have a meeting that’s running late and then I need to get to the airport. Could you hang out with a friend tonight and I’ll call you in the morning?” That way you have a heads-up that they can’t meet your exact request, and you have a chance to make a backup plan to get your needs met.

To avoid hurt feelings and miscommunications, it’s a great idea to sit down and figure out what all of your assumptions and expectations are. You can do this alone first, and then have a conversation with your partner about it. For starters, see if you can make a list of absolutely everything you expect.

Holidays and birthdays are one of the areas we most often expect mind reading. Many people think being in a capital-R relationship means holidays together are obvious, but as we’re learning, nothing is obvious. Instead, make sure you’re explicit about expectations when it comes to these events.

Do you want a present from your partner/lover for your birthday? Say so! Maybe it sounds strange to you to ask for a present, but not everyone is on the same page around this kind of thing.

Think about the love languages, a book and online quiz that help distill and discuss what kind of behaviors, activities, and words make us feel most cared for. For some people giving/receiving gifts is huge. For others, it’s all about quality time together. So it would be totally reasonable for one person in a couple to expect a birthday present while the other person took a day off work or planned a special day together. Neither person is in the wrong—they just had mismatched expectations.

That’s why it’s important to talk about everything, even the things we think are obvious. Because what’s obvious to us isn’t always obvious to other people.

For me, it’s important to get a wrapped present on my birthday from my intimate partner(s). It’s not about the monetary value of the gift; it’s about someone taking the time to acknowledge my birthday in that way. To me it speaks of thoughtfulness.

So when I was partnered to someone who said they weren’t good at gift giving, we worked out an explicit agreement. I made it clear that a wrapped present on the day of my birthday was important to me, but to make things easier on them I’d send a wish list (with direct links to items) well in advance.

Sure, it took away some of the aspects of gift giving that I enjoy—having evidence that the person knows what kind of things I like—but it was a better compromise than letting them get overwhelmed with the task while I was disappointed with the results.

Whether it’s domestic/nesting projects like a garden or a new paint job, or working toward running a marathon together, having a shared goal is a great way to build camaraderie and intimacy in a relationship.

Building and maintaining a sexual connection that meets everyone’s needs is also a shared goal that can be a priority in a relationship. Prioritizing that connection can mean setting aside a certain amount of time for intimacy, or committing to trying and learning new hobbies or new ways to connect.

Treating it like an exciting, ongoing exploration is a wonderful way to prevent sexuality from getting stagnant, and to make enough space for experimentation with which you can find new things you enjoy. And this is another area where the journey is (at least) half the fun. We don’t want to set goals that are difficult to meet. Instead, we want to make the process the goal.

So, if someone is ejaculating sooner than they’d like, they shouldn’t frame it as “I want to last ten minutes before ejaculation.” That’s a goal that can lead to frustration and failure and might be unrealistic for their body. Instead, they could frame it like this: “Together we’re going to find new ways to experience pleasure that don’t involve penile penetration, so that how long it takes to ejaculate doesn’t feel like a limit to the length of intimacy.”

If you’ve never had an orgasm, don’t say, “I’ll have an orgasm by the end of the year.” Instead try, “I’m going to find new ways to relax and feel present in my body, and new ways to experience arousal and pleasure both alone and with my partner.” Not only are these goals where the process of meeting them is the point, but if they take the pressure off meeting a certain outcome, that outcome might come along for the ride, too.

Just like training for a marathon, you need to celebrate your wins along the way. Have steps or milestones identified in advance, so that you can feel good about making progress, rather than just looking toward a goal that seems miles—or years—away.

Have a lengthy sexual and intimate experience that never involves genital touch.

Once the ideas start flying, you’re likely to come up with plenty of your own ideas. Just keep them positive and realistic, and make sure to celebrate along the way.

One of the precedents you want to set is making deliberate choices about what’s best for you (and the relationship) rather than following any false timelines. Relationship books and the Internet are full of advice about everything from when to have sex to when to move in together to when to get married. Not only does this harmfully assume there’s only one trajectory for a relationship, but it also assumes there’s a one-size-fits-all approach. But nothing could be further from the truth.

Trying to meet outside expectations, whether from friends, family, or the culture at large, is a surefire way to end up with regrets. We can play along with what other people want from us for so long.

Establishing open communication early on means you can talk about what’s right for each of you rather than falling into preworn paths on the relationship escalator.²

This can start as early as when you’re chatting with someone on dating apps. Whether you want to ask someone out during the first text volley or chat for a few weeks before meeting, you get to decide what’s right for you. Your choices will weed out some people, but that’s what you want. You can also explicitly let the other person know what works for you, either saying, “Hey, it’s hard for me to get to know someone by text, why don’t we just meet up for coffee?” or “It takes me a little while to feel safe before meeting, so I’d like to text for a while to get to know each other.” Whichever path you choose, you’re staying true to yourself and not pushing outside your comfort zone based on a prescribed timeline.

Doing this also sets the precedent that you stand up for the timelines and communication styles that work for you. So the next time you let someone know what you need, they’ll understand that’s part of how you take care of yourself.

Whatever relationship structure is right for you, there are lessons to be learned by the way other people do things. It can be helpful to pick up books about relationship structures you might not want to engage in yourself, just to see if there are any principles you can apply to your own life. While nonmonogamy certainly isn’t for everyone, there are some features of that relationship style that can be helpful no matter what kind of relationship you want to have.

One of the principles of nonmonogamy is that you can’t get all your needs met by one person. And while with nonmonogamy the answer is often sex with or dating multiple people, the principle stands for other activities as well.

Hoping for one person to meet all your needs for support, comfort, and entertainment is unrealistic. Sometimes, there are times when processing with your partner isn’t the right choice, so having a strong network of friends you can talk to is essential. But all too often people can fall into a happy relationship bubble, especially early on in the romance, and can end up neglecting their other connections. When that happens and then you hit a rough patch, you may realize you don’t have as many people to reach out to as you once did.

It’s also important to have your own hobbies and interests. Whatever those activities are, it’s healthy to have some time doing your own thing, apart from your partner. Not only is this independence an important reminder to yourself that you stand on your own two feet, but if you never did anything separately, what would you talk about?

This is a rut some long-term couples fall into. Their social lives are all together, and so they both already have all the same information. But when you engage in your own hobbies and activities, you can come home and share stories, and share things you’re excited about. This makes us healthier individuals and more interesting partners.

Another concept from nonmonogamy that can serve everyone is compersion. In the simplest terms, compersion is the word for feeling happy for your partner’s happiness. Although in polyamory this most often applies to their happiness with other partners, it can just as easily apply to their happiness spending time with friends, or enjoying their work, or participating in other activities.

Our culture tells us we’re supposed to spend every moment together, so it can be easy to get jealous not only about flirting or dating, but about activities that don’t include us. If you work toward feeling a sense of compersion, it can get easier to understand that we all need a range of people and activities to fulfill us, and our partner’s working on their own happiness benefits us as well.

Another lesson that folks in open relationships have to learn that can benefit everyone is an ability to embrace change and growth. I get it. Change can be scary. It’s also unavoidable, and good for you! None of us stays the same over our lifetimes, and that’s a good thing. So whether it’s relationship needs shifting, or sexual interests shifting, or even a change in careers, it’s important to be able to roll with change so that your relationship isn’t derailed every time change is in the air.

The fear is often that if our partners change, there won’t be room for us in their lives anymore. And it’s true—sometimes people grow and change in ways that make the existing relationship no longer possible. But resisting that change by stifling your partner’s ability to grow or evolve isn’t any better. Not only is that unhealthy, but it’s even more likely to end a relationship. The best course is for everyone in a relationship to keep working on themselves and making the choices that are best for their own personal growth. In this way, even if your paths are slightly different, you can keep supporting each other’s progress.

“Not asking for what you want in bed because you don’t want to ‘kill the moment’ is like keeping plastic on the furniture because you want to ‘keep it nice.’ ”

—JOELLEN NOTTE

I love talking about sex. I also love talking during sex. I love hearing what my partners want and how they feel. And I’ve learned that giving some guidance and feedback is also the best way to get the most pleasure for myself. But I understand that this is daunting for a lot of people.

I think one of the reasons people think it “ruins the mood” to talk or check in during sex is because they think of talking that would break a long silence. Maybe even hours of silence.

Sure, if you kiss on the front steps and then pull someone into your house, make out on the couch for a while, remove clothes, move into the bedroom, and then after all those assumptions and all that silence, begin detailing how you like to be touched, it might feel a little awkward.

So set the precedent for open communication right from the beginning. Ask before you kiss—maybe even before you step close to the other person. This can be incredibly sexy, as well as setting the other person at ease. Then ask if they’d like to come inside.

Once you’re on the couch, have a negotiation about what will happen that evening, and have your safer-sex talk if you haven’t done that already. Then check in before moving to the bedroom.

This way, by the time you need to give guidance, talking will be a well-established part of your interaction, and it won’t have to be scary or awkward.

Sonya and Mitte have had a lovely date. Dinner is followed by a walk along the waterfront, and their conversation is going so smoothly it feels like they’ve known each other forever. They stop to watch a passing boat, and Sonya asks, “May I stand closer to you?”

Mitte tingles at the thought of Sonya in her personal space and says, “Yes,” while also stepping closer to close some of the distance herself. They watch the boat together, close enough that their arms are brushing against each other, but before long they’re watching each other.

“I love the way your hair frames your face. May I touch it?” Sonya asks, and Mitte gets chills again at the mere thought of the contact.

“Yes,” she says, and then Sonya’s hand is there, feeling the softness of Mitte’s hair and pushing it behind her ear. Her hand lingers for a moment, and Sonya can see the goose bumps her touch has caused.

“I’d love to kiss you, would that be okay?” Sonya asks, and this time Mitte just nods and tilts her face up to be kissed without answering in words. They kiss, and it’s slow at first as they get used to the feel of each other’s lips. The kiss lingers, as their mouths explore, and Mitte’s tongue darts out to taste Sonya’s mouth.

After a few moments they part and just look at each other until Sonya blushes and drops her eyes. “Shall we walk?” she asks, trying to mask her sudden shyness.

You can see how in this interaction, the questions asked are part of the flirting and foreplay and don’t ruin the mood at all. You can also imagine that if these two went home together, it would be part of the already established flow to ask for permission before doing something new, and to communicate about what they want.

Play around with it and find a style of communication that fits your personality. For some, playful banter is a good fit. For others it’s being clear and direct. Some might even be shy, and say so, and express their needs while blushing. Whatever works for you is fine, as long as you’re able to speak up for your needs and boundaries, and able to check in with your partner about theirs.

It’s a lot easier to set a good precedent early on than to change things up once you have well-established routines. This can cover everything from boundaries to scheduling to ways of communicating.

Within what we’re calling “good” communication, there can be many different communication styles. If someone doesn’t communicate in a way that works for you, or in a way that’s compatible with your communication style, it doesn’t automatically make them a bad communicator. You might just have incompatible communication styles.

Some people like to talk things through, at length, whenever something comes up. Other people are considerably less verbose. While a certain amount of communication is absolutely necessary for a relationship, there are still many places on the communication spectrum where people can fall. That doesn’t mean either person is doing it wrong, but it could mean they aren’t a great fit for each other.

You can start feeling out someone’s communication style early on. If when you’re first texting with someone they take days to respond each time you reach out, this is a clue to their communication style. Too many people think that when something becomes a “real” relationship, everything changes. But nothing just changes by magic. If you expect to hear back from someone right away, or within the same day, you need to say so. Don’t wait until you’ve been talking for weeks or months. If the communication style isn’t working for you, say so. It’ll only be harder once you’re more invested, because the deeper we get into relationships, the more likely we are to let the “little things” go. But those things can add up. And you don’t want to have bitterness building up over time.

To talk about what you need in relationships, you have to know what you need. It’s worth taking some time to think about what’s important to you. You can think about past relationships and make notes and lists about what was great and what needed work. From this, you can start to figure out your must-haves and your deal breakers.

Getting what we need is a combination of filtering for who is able to meet your needs when you’re dating and communicating your needs to people once you get involved. There’s no one way to be in a relationship, and expecting that people will just know the relationship “rules” gets people into all kinds of trouble.

Pay special attention to all of the assumptions we unpack later in this book and try to list and articulate all the wants and needs you have in relationships.

When it comes to anything to do with sex or relationships, you can’t just have one conversation and be done with it. People change, situations change, and issues will always come up. So it’s helpful to understand that many things will be a work in progress, that you may address more than one time.

This also means that when you’re having a difficult conversation, sometimes it can be helpful to table the issue for a few hours or days, so you can either take time apart to cool off or focus on time together to rebuild connection before returning to the discussion when both of you are feeling able to be present and at your best again.

Making change is uncomfortable.. Whether it’s starting a new routine at the gym or learning a new skill, it takes a commitment of time and dealing with the fact that you won’t be good at the new thing right away. And that can feel really hard. Especially when there’s someone else around to see your learning curve.

But if you really want to have the best sex possible, you’re going to have to come to terms with feeling uncomfortable or awkward sometimes. Not only is learning sexual communication learning a new language, but it’s shifting lifelong, ingrained patterns.

The actual talking can feel uncomfortable, too. From conversations that are difficult to have to bodies doing things that are embarrassing or silly, there’s simply no way to avoid being uncomfortable sometimes.

The trick is learning to embrace it. The same way you might appreciate the way your muscles feel sore after a workout, you can appreciate the process of learning new things with sex and communication. And if you’re sharing this journey with a partner, the two of you can laugh about your missteps and awkwardness together.

2 Relationship Escalator: “The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.” https://offescalator.com/what-escalator/