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Why Do We Get in Trouble?

WE’RE NEVER TAUGHT THIS STUFF

SEX IS PERHAPS THE MOST COMPLEX ACTIVITY THAT we’re expected to know how to do without ever being taught. Or at least without being taught well. Not only is good information generally missing from school curricula, but we’re surrounded by misinformation.

My generation had stolen magazines and the occasional late-night movie. Younger folks have had the Internet—which is a mixed blessing in these areas.

Imagine being expected to sail, drive, or play chess without a book about it, without being shown by someone who already knows what they are doing, and without even being allowed to talk about it. That would never happen! The more complex or important the task, the more formal the training.

Maybe you heard adults whispering about the topic and then shushing their voices when you entered the room. Sex becomes the greatest mystery, but with so much shame surrounding the topic that you know not to ask without ever being told.

And thus, our problems are compounded. Not only are we not taught what to do—or how to talk about it—we’re also raised with varying degrees of shame surrounding our bodies and all the things that bodies do.

Really, it’s almost a miracle that anyone is having good sex.

And while we still have a very long way to go, there are now decent resources online, many fabulous books, and a new generation of sex shops that carry high-quality, body-safe toys, as well as offering a range of educational options.

Here in Portland, I’m lucky to have SheBop, a store with an amazing staff who give out valuable information about sex and bodies every single day. I also get to teach there, once or twice a month, along with a lineup of other incredible educators, and together we’re bringing the idea that sex can be fun, safe, and pleasurable to more and more people.

The good news is that all these resources are available now, and you’re already on the path to learn more. If this book leaves you hungry for more knowledge, check out the resources section in the back of this book and look for classes in your city.

A little knowledge goes a long way, and the more you can learn about sex, the more your own sex life will improve.

GAME PLAYING

Just about every rom-com would have you believe that if a partner can’t read your mind, there’s something wrong with them. Media shows examples of passive aggression, game playing, and impossible expectations. And because we’re never taught healthy communication techniques, it’s easy to see how some of these tactics become the norm.

Playing games isn’t just a failure of communication, it’s immature and will ultimately sabotage a relationship. Whole movies and TV series have been built around the idea of “testing” a partner, by putting them in manufactured situations and seeing how they perform. I’m a total social science nerd, and I’m all for doing your own research, but the main tenet of ethical research is informed consent—just like in relationships!

So don’t pretend you’re okay with going to a strip club or a sex club or having a threesome if you really aren’t. You want your partner to be able to trust what you’re telling them, not second-guess your real feelings and motivations.

We want to build trust in relationships, not undermine them. And this kind of game playing is guaranteed to teach your partner that they can’t trust you with their real feelings and desires. And although pretending might work for a little while, it’s ultimately unsustainable.

Instead of playing games, think about what you want to know and then find a direct way to ask. And when you do that, be ready for the real answers.

If you ask your partner if they think your best friend is attractive, and they say “yes,” don’t punish them for their answer. Thinking someone else is attractive doesn’t mean they think you’re any less attractive, or that they’re thinking of cheating on you.

When you feel nervous about something—like your partner’s attraction to other people—try to examine where that’s coming from. Are you feeling insecure? Is it because your partner doesn’t provide reassurance? Or maybe they compliment you all the time and you don’t believe them? Usually when we’re feeling uncomfortable, that’s a sign that we have something we can learn about ourselves and our needs.

It’s okay to directly ask for reassurances rather than trying to trick your partner into an answer you’ll find reassuring. Try something like this: “I know you think my friend is attractive and I’m feeling insecure about that. It would help me to hear that you’re attracted to me, or to hear something specific you like about my body.” Most of the time our partners are thrilled to give us the reassurance we need, especially if it’s asked from a place of honest vulnerability.

There’s another kind of game playing we do that often stems from our own insecurities, and that’s asking our partners questions that almost certainly require them to lie to us. The classic example we hear from stand-up comedians is, “Do I look fat in this dress?” Now, that question is also loaded with gender assumptions and stereotypes, but it hits a nerve. If you’re looking for reassurances that back your partner into a corner, you may be forcing little white lies into your relationship.

And I don’t know about you, but I want to be able to count on my partners, or the people I live with, to tell me the truth. If I’m getting ready for an event and I try on a dress that doesn’t suit me, I want them to tell me! I don’t want them to expect it’s a trick question, which forces a lie, only to see pictures from the event later and realize I could have made a better choice.

We also force our partners into a difficult position whenever we ask a question that compares us to other people, especially their past partners. Asking if you’re the best sex they’ve ever had, or the best cook, or the prettiest, or if one of your body parts is the biggest, etc.

These questions can come from an understandable need for reassurance, but they’re not the best questions to ask to get the reassurance you need. The fact is, someone is choosing to be with you. And the reasons we choose partners can be complex. Most of us aren’t just shopping for the biggest penis, or the biggest boobs, or the person who can make the best lasagna. So comparing yourself on just one point doesn’t really take in the whole picture.

Try questions like these instead: “Can you tell me something you enjoy about our sex life?” Or “Can you tell me what your favorite thing is about being with me?” Be sure to preface questions like this by saying you’re feeling insecure, or that you’d like some reassurance.

WINNING

We’re a competitive culture. We yell at sports games, we make bets, and we love being right. Just look at a winning team cheering at pub trivia. But don’t let that impulse to win an argument or be right come before the relationship.

We’ve all been there, and I’m no exception. I remember being so invested in a partner learning the “right” way to load the dishwasher that it became a regular argument. Often, when things like dishes or laundry are a constant source of strife, it’s an indication that other things are going on. For many people, there’s an issue that’s the canary in the coal mine of the relationship, whether that’s underwear on the floor, or being on time to dates, or deciding which movie to see.

Things that might go mostly unnoticed when we’re happy with a partner and with a relationship can become a much bigger deal when we’re harboring larger concerns or irritations. So pay attention to what’s getting under your skin, and if you catch yourself sweating the small stuff, take some time to see what’s really going on.

The urge to win also comes up in the sexual arena. Sometimes people’s desire to please their partner becomes competitive or ends up being about their own ego and not their partner’s pleasure after all. If you’re giving yourself a pat on the back for how many orgasms your partner is having with you, take a moment. Being an awesome lover can be a wonderful thing, but if it’s more about the imaginary “best lover” trophy on your mantel than it is about your actual partner’s enjoyment, then there can be a problem.

Our partners can tell when our motivations are complicated by ego, and that’s one of the reasons people sometimes feel pressured to fake orgasms. But as soon as you’re faking sexual pleasure for the sake of your partner’s feelings, your chances of actual pleasure plummet.

We train our partners not just with verbal communication but with nonverbal communication. If we keep faking an orgasm when they do that one move, they’ll think it really works for us. And that means they’re likely stopping before a real orgasm is had. And it also gets harder to ask for what we really want if our partner thinks everything they’re doing is blowing our mind.

You can still go yell at sports games if you want to, but try to keep the competition out of the bedroom.

FAIRNESS/SELFISHNESS

Our culture villainizes terms like neediness and selfishness. But it’s vital to know what your needs are and to express them. There’s no shame in having needs. We all have needs. And a lot of the time you must put yourself first. It’s your job to get your needs met. However, the fear of being labeled needy or selfish often keeps us from asking for what we want from our partners.

One issue that’s common is the idea of equality or parity of acts. For example, if one person loves receiving oral sex but their partner doesn’t, the first person might be unwilling to ask for oral sex because they feel like they can’t return the favor.

It’s okay if your needs aren’t exactly the same. They rarely will be. There can still be equity of time and attention paid to each other. In this example, maybe instead of oral sex the other person would love a foot rub or back rub or a different kind of sex act.

Here’s the thing: if both people are looking out for their needs (and have the ability to say “no”), then it’s always safe to ask for what you want. If you tell your partner you’d really love a back rub every day when you get home from work, they’re free to agree to that, or to say, “I hear that you’re tired and sore when you get home from work, but so am I. How about I aim for giving you a back rub once a week and we start saving up to get a couple’s massage together?” As long as no is an acceptable answer (read up about requests vs. demands later) then it’s safe to ask for what you want.

When all parties in a relationship stand up for both their needs and their boundaries, everybody wins.

YOU CAN’T GET WHAT YOU WANT IF YOU DON’T ASK FOR IT

When I’m working with clients, I’ll often hear a long story about the things they’d like to try, or the needs they have, and hear their frustration with their partner. My followup question is always to ask whether they’ve told their partner the things they’re telling me. Most of the time, the answer is no.

Imagine that. Telling me—often a complete stranger—their deepest desires is easier than telling their partner. That’s really saying something. But there are few reasons why this happens.

For one, coming to my office means talking about sex. It’s all over my website, in my writing, and hanging on the sign on my door. People know that talking to me about sex is safe. That’s why they’re there. They’re confident I won’t be judgmental. For the people who still aren’t sure, they sometimes tiptoe around the issue. They’ll check with me to see if discussing fetishes is okay. Or ask if they can use explicit language. (Yes and yes.)

But with me, the stakes are low. Sure, if they told me what they were into and I acted shocked, they might be embarrassed. But then they could leave and never see me again. If they tell their partner their desire and that person is shocked, well, the stakes are higher. People fear it could mean the end of the relationship, or at least a big, awkward elephant in the room for a while.

And that’s understandable. Because anything even an inch out of mainstream sexuality (whatever that even means) becomes the butt of jokes everywhere from the locker room to late-night television. And people have an innate longing to fit in, so there’s a chance you’ve laughed at those jokes, too. It doesn’t even have to be mean-spirited. Some sexualities, kinks, or fetishes are presented as such a caricature that it’s easy to forget that you’re laughing at real people.

For all of these reasons, opening up about our interests can be terrifying. It can make people suppress their desires for years, even decades. But our sexuality is an integral part of who we are, and being able to express that sexuality is essential to our overall well-being.

Solving this problem is a team effort. We need to take responsibility for our own needs and desires and ask to get those needs met. And we have to make it safe for our partner to do the same.

How do you do that? For starters, you can tell your partner that you’re a safe person to open up to. But you’ve also got to make sure that’s true. Do your own work first by figuring out the biases you’ve acquired (that’s coming up) and come to terms with everything that exists in the rainbow of sexual expression.

PERSONAL AND CULTURAL BIASES

Do you know where all of your beliefs about sex and sexuality came from? We’re all influenced by the culture, society, community, and family we’re raised in. If we want to start changing the kind of sex we’re having with ourselves and with our partners, we’ll need to unpack all our conscious and unconscious beliefs about sex and sexuality.

As you’re reading about new kinds of sex you can try, you might feel a knee-jerk reaction that some things are wrong. Whenever that feeling pops up for you, take a moment to examine it and see if you can figure out where you first heard that message. Not only is this self-examination vital for your own sexual exploration, but it’s important for making sure we don’t unintentionally shame our partners with our responses to their sexual interests. So it’s important to spend some time figuring out your biases, and all the things that make you uncomfortable, so you can process those reactions on your own before you end up hurting a partner’s feelings.

The thing is, we don’t always know what harmful baggage we’re carrying around until something comes along to trigger it. And our beliefs are just that—beliefs. Until we’re confronted with conflicting information, we can’t know where we’re wrong.

If you’d like to broaden your horizons when it comes to sex and sexuality, there are a few ways you can do that. A resource available for people training to become sex therapists or sex educators is called a SAR—Sexual Attitude Reassessment. They can vary a bit, depending on who is hosting, but the idea is the same. You spend a weekend learning about all different kinds of sex and kinks, often through seeing clips of porn.

As you watch different kinds of porn and listen to guest speakers, you’re instructed to pay attention to the feelings and responses you’re having to the content. The idea is to catch biases that you have, or things that make you uncomfortable, so you can examine those feelings in the space of the class. By going through this experience, you can be more likely to present a positive or neutral aspect when dealing with clients, rather than responding in a way that might shame them.

While I’m not necessarily suggesting you take the seminar (though it wouldn’t be the worst idea) I do think you can and should do some of this work on your own. While the average person might not need to be as informed, or as neutral, as a sexuality professional, it’s still helpful to be able to listen to our partners with an open mind.

In case you think these biases are a thing of the past, here are a few sentiments I’ve heard:

Liking butt stuff means you’re gay.

Liking kink means you think “regular” sex is boring, or that you’ve been abused.

Using a vibrator/sex toy makes you numb or ruins “real” sex.

Only older men can have difficulty with erections.

An erection is required for sex.

Desire for sex is different based on gender.

Using lube means a failure of arousal.

If you need to stimulate yourself during sex to have an orgasm, there’s something wrong with you, or with your partner.

You’re “supposed” to bleed the first time you have vaginal penetration.

Did you read any of those and think, “Hey, I thought that one was true”? Then you’ve got a good starting point for seeking out more sex-positive information. And even if none of these got you, there’s still always a lot to learn. If you’re inspired to get more informed, here are a few ways you can get started:

Read books about sex and kink! Not all books are created equally, and unfortunately, some contain harmful misconceptions so screen them for sex positivity. Check the resources section of this book for suggestions.

Watch porn! Yes, some porn has its own problems, but there’s a growing body of sex-positive, body-positive porn out there. And you guessed it—there are suggestions in the resources section.

Read blogs and articles written/posted by sex educators and sexuality professionals.

Go to classes. Many sex shops have educational offerings, and other sexuality nonprofits often do as well. Check out what’s happening in your town.

The other thing you can do without a single book or class is simply listen to your partner with an open mind. Ask them if you can ask questions. And believe their answers. We’re all experts on our own sexuality, and when we feel safe, we can teach others about ourselves, too.

ASSUMING THERE’S A “NORMAL”

“How should this work?” and “How does this normally work?” are questions I hear weekly, if not daily. It’s not surprising, because one of the ways we learn is by comparison. Forget how to tie your shoes? You look at what the kid next to you is doing.

But not only do we generally not watch other people having sex (more on that later), there are too many ways that sex and bodies can work for watching just one or two people to be enough, even if it were an option.

All bodies are different. All people are different. There’s no way to emphasize that enough.

Are there certain ways that bodies fit together that you can try? Absolutely. But you can’t stop there. You need to know how to customize those acts for yourself, to get optimal (or any) pleasure out of them.

Speaking of questions I hear on a regular basis, “Is it normal to be into ______” is a daily one. From kinks to fetishes to interest in a variety of genders—interest in anything that doesn’t show up in Hollywood romantic comedies leaves people wondering if there’s something wrong with them.

Ultimately, “normal” isn’t a useful concept when it comes to sex or bodies. And if you’re asking yourself a question with should in it, I suggest you look into that more deeply, too.

Without knowing what you’re into, I feel pretty confident saying, yes, you’re okay. And you’re probably not the only one with that interest, either. As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, you’re good to go. I can’t count the number of clients I’ve had who simply needed to hear that the thing they were into was acceptable. That it didn’t make them a freak or a pervert (unless you’ve happily reclaimed those words, as I have for myself).

For a long time I expected something truly rare or off-the-wall when someone was shy about telling me what they were into. But now I know that it’ll be something I’ve heard before—and that I’ll be able to point the person toward other people who are into the same thing.

That doesn’t mean your kink will be for everyone. And if the thing you’re into is a little more rare, it could be harder to find someone to share it with you. But the Internet has done marvelous things for helping us find our people, and it can probably do the same for you.

WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE WANT UNTIL WE AREN’T GETTING IT

Have you ever been hangry? It’s that feeling where you’ve let yourself get so hungry that you’re cranky/angry and you won’t be productive, let alone decent company, until you get some food. It’s such a common experience that memes expressing the feeling are all over the internet.

But if it sucks so much, why do we let it get that bad? Just have a snack! Because of course, it isn’t always that easy.

From our schedules being so full that we’re running around for hours without checking in with our bodies, to simple poor planning and not having food with us—and not wanting to get fast food—we forget to take care of ourselves for a variety of reasons.

It also happens, sometimes, because we didn’t even realize we were hungry until it was too late. Sometimes the feeling needs to be extreme before it breaks to the surface and commands our attention.

The same happens with sex and relationships. We often don’t know we’re missing something, or realize how missing something is affecting us, until the feeling gets extreme.

I’ve had students and clients who’ve made it all the way to retirement age before realizing they’ve never had the kind of sex they want to have. And sometimes there can be years between having the realization and doing something about it.

While many of us are privileged to be able to feed ourselves when we’re hungry, we also benefit from knowing how to meet that need. That’s one we’re taught from the very beginning. But with sex, even when we realize there’s a problem, we might not know what to do about it, or where to go for help.

Here’s how you can start realizing when there’s a problem—when you start feeling the first hints of frustration that you aren’t getting what you want, pay attention. Listen to your body and to your feelings. See if there are consistent times when the feeling crops up. What triggers it?

Use the food example as a starting point. When you’re hungry, or planning for a meal, you start thinking about what you might want to have. You think about your favorite restaurants, or favorite recipes to make. You imagine yourself eating that food and see if it sounds good to you. And from there, you start to make a decision about what to have for dinner.

But as you may have noticed, the hungrier you are, the harder it can be to make that choice. When we get hungry enough, it’s hard to think straight. Maybe we’re so frustrated that nothing sounds good. Or maybe everything sounds good and we can’t choose. That’s why sometimes you start with a snack, and once that sinks in, you plan your real meal.

The same thing can work with sex. You can use the tools in the “what do you want” section of this book the same way you’d scroll through nearby restaurants or the pages of a cookbook. You can consider your various options the way you’d consider a recipe and decide if they sound good. And for some things, you can have a snack or a taste to see if something appeals to you.

Sometimes that’s what you have to do—sate some of the hunger so you can think straight. Even if it’s sexual hunger. You can try getting back in touch with your own body before involving a partner, if that feels easier. You can get a new sex toy or try new tools for arousal. Sometimes that helps take the edge off.

If you’re trying it with a partner, try reestablishing intimacy and connection so you have a solid base for trying new sexual adventures. Or return to what’s worked with them in the past before you start trying new things. Engage in whatever self-care you can so that you’re not sexually hangry as you begin to explore and have new adventures.

“WHATEVER YOU WANT”

I can’t even begin to count the number of times a new partner has told me, “You can do whatever you want to me.” I’ve experimented with different ways of answering. Sometimes I make it a joke and say that demonstrates a lack of imagination. Sometimes I give an example of something I’m almost sure they wouldn’t like—and I’m kinky and creative, so I’ve got a lot of ideas at my disposal.

I think the reason people say this so often is that we assume that whatever we think is part of the “normal” sex repertoire is the same for everyone. We can’t even fathom that someone else’s standard sex is different from ours.

For one person, anal sex might be their usual go-to. For another person, anal play might be entirely unfathomable. But our worldview feels so obvious to us, it’s hard to understand that someone else can have a completely different set of operating procedures.

This is why we need to spend time unpacking every thing we think about sex, sexuality, and intimacy. And this can be a long process that brings up lots of feelings.

You can do this as an exercise right now. Take out a notebook, or open up a blank page on your computer or phone. Start making a list of what you expect to be included in a typical sexual encounter. Maybe what you’d have on your “yes” list the first time you sleep with a new partner.

Kissing? Hand sex? Oral sex? Vaginal penetration? Anal penetration? Sex toys? Kink play? Drill into the details of each of those, what they mean to you, and what they include. And then get in the habit of sharing what you’d like your encounters to include with your partners to make sure you avoid any unwelcome surprises.

THE PERFECT IS THE ENEMY OF THE GOOD

When I was redesigning my website, I was taking ages to get each piece of content to my web developer. Things like my “about” section would stump me for months. As much as I love writing, writing about myself is a whole different story. So with each new page we were tackling, I’d drag my feet for weeks and months, and eventually the project had taken most of a year.

One day I got a simple one-line email from the web developer. It read, “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” And it worked. I sent her what I had ready and said, “Let’s just go with it.”

Most of us are perfectionists in at least some aspects of our lives. And that affects us in sex and relationships, too. I’ve had students and clients that have held off on certain kinds of sex (or on sex altogether) because they feared they lacked the skills to do it well. That can be a good impulse if you’re wanting to do something risky, like an extreme form of kink play, but when it comes to something where no one can get hurt, sometimes just fumbling through it and exploring as you go is the best thing you can do.

I get it, I really do. I don’t like being bad at things in public. Many of the skills I’ve cultivated over my life are those that can be practiced in private before anyone has to see them. When I was a kid taking piano lessons, my family had to endure it, but beyond them I could choose if and when to have an audience. With my writing I can fiddle with it as long as I want (deadlines notwithstanding) before I show it to the world.

But some things require a partner, so at least one person is going to have to watch you learn. I struggled with this when I was new to rope bondage. Not only did my play partner see where I was with my skill set, but the instructor and other students could see, too. It took me a while to get used to fumbling through and being bad for a while, and it’s still not my favorite thing to do.

But if you wait until things are perfect, you might not ever get to do them, especially when those things require a partner.

So give yourself permission to be new, to be learning, and to be not quite perfect.

ASSUMPTIONS AND MIND READING

I’m sure you’ve heard all the little sayings about assumptions. It’s a common warning because it’s true—assumptions get us into all kinds of trouble. The same is true when we attempt mind reading. Usually you hear about not expecting your partner to read your mind (and that’s true, too), but it goes both ways. When we make assumptions about our partner’s thoughts, needs, or feelings, we’re asking for trouble.

People omit information with the excuse “I thought you’d be mad” all the time. And sometimes the original issue wouldn’t have been a problem, but now the lying is what they’re angry about. Or we simply work ourselves up thinking our partner won’t be into something, only to find out they totally are, or at least don’t mind if we are.

Our minds are funny things. For many of us, we jump to the worst possible outcomes in our heads and never let our partners actually let us know what is and isn’t a big deal for them.

Like I keep emphasizing, one of the main ways we get into trouble is by having a set of assumptions that feel so commonsense to us, we don’t even realize we have them. If we think something is obvious, we probably aren’t saying it out loud. So what happens when an intimate partner has a different set of assumptions, or if their obvious doesn’t match yours?

Well, that’s when miscommunications happen that can range from something to laugh about together to hurt feelings or even tears.

You’ve heard the joke about the fish not knowing what water is? Well, that’s how we are with our assumptions. So it takes some unpacking, and some trial and error, to figure out all the assumptions we’re walking around with.

We can also get into lots of trouble assuming we know what a partner wants from a sexual or kinky encounter. We’re so prone to comparison that it’s easy to hear a partner’s stories of their past encounters and assume that’s what they want from us. But what if what they like about us is the very fact that we’re different? Launching into a kind of sex we assume they want can go sideways very quickly. It can blow past boundaries and even consent, and potentially reopen past traumas.

There’s no way to know that what someone has liked in the past is what they’ll like now. People change from day to day and year to year. The only surefire way to know what someone wants is to ask them.

On the romance and relationship side, assumptions are still problematic. Thinking about love languages can help you understand that different people have different ways of feeling appreciated and cared for. Whether or not you take the official quiz (and not everyone falls neatly into one category), it’s helpful to know what makes your partner feel loved.

Maybe you want to do something nice for your partner, so you bring home a bouquet of flowers. Their first thought might be of the mess the flowers are going to make as they die. Maybe what would have made them really happy is if you took them out to dinner or cleaned the kitchen.

Like all other areas of relationships and sex, assumptions get us into trouble. There’s no guarantee that what we like, or what a past partner liked, will work for our current partner.

WE DON’T BELIEVE PEOPLE

This comes up again and again—we don’t believe people. I see it coming up with clients where one person doesn’t believe their partner is enjoying sex. Maybe it’s the media’s portrayal of mind-blowing orgasms that contributes to this, but we seem to want some kind of proof that our partner is enjoying themselves. We want to see eye-rolled-back orgasms, or visible ejaculations, or spasms of pleasure. Without that, we doubt their enjoyment.

But when someone tells you they don’t like something? We tend to believe someone right away. If you’re rubbing someone’s shoulders and they say it hurts—it’s too hard—you’d believe them and adjust what you’re doing right away. But if they assure you they’re really enjoying the massage, we second-guess that. We think they’re saying it to avoid hurting our feelings or because they’re grateful they’re getting a massage at all.

Do people ever say things for the sake of someone’s ego? Sure. But the assumption that someone isn’t telling the truth will cause far more trouble than the small percentage of exaggeration it’ll weed out.

WE DON’T TELL THE TRUTH

On the flip side, if we want partners to believe us, we need to tell the truth. Whether it’s faking orgasms, or saying you like giving or receiving oral sex when you really don’t, lying about sex and pleasure undermines all sexual communication. And this includes lies of omission. If you engage in a sex act you’re not enjoying, and you don’t say anything about it, your partner will probably think it was okay, and is likely to do it again.

It’s only going to get harder and harder to bring up, as time goes on, because your partner will almost certainly ask why it didn’t come up sooner.

We want our partners to believe us, and to help cultivate that trust, we need to be honest. Being honest about sex can feel scary, but it’s the only way to get the kind of sex we want. Every time we lie about how much pleasure we’re experiencing, or fail to say when something doesn’t feel good, we’re making it even harder to start having the kind of sex we will enjoy.

And it isn’t just a matter of honesty around the sex we’re having. Studies have shown that people lie to their partners about a wide range of topics relating to relationships and sexuality. It’s hardly a surprise, given the sex-negative attitudes of our society at large. We’ve been trained to feel so much shame around topics relating to sex, and we’ve so often been backed into corners by family, church, and even partners that on some topics lying becomes second nature.

Wondering what topics are frequently the subject of dishonesty? Here are a few:

Feelings for other people

Contact with exes

Porn use

Masturbation

Sexual fantasies

Sexual history

Sexual encounters with other people

Satisfaction with current sex life

Feeling insecure in the relationship

Whenever possible, start off on the right foot by being honest with a new partner from the very first encounter. From the first time their hand touches your body to the first time you kiss, get in the habit of giving feedback. If they touch you gently and you’re ticklish, let them know you’d like a firmer touch. If they kiss with a lot of tongue and you’d like something less wet, ask if you can show them how you like to be kissed. Believe me, talking about these things is a lot easier than talking about more involved sex acts, so setting the precedent early will make it much easier when it comes time to talk about sex.

And beyond simply discussing sex, create an air of openness about all things relating to sex and sexuality. Rather than lying about watching porn, watch it together! Don’t lie about masturbation—engage in mutual masturbation! Having a solid base of being able to talk about all of these topics will make it easier down the line when you want to talk about a touchy subject, like a new sexual fantasy you want to try or attraction to someone new.

If you’ve already been lying to your partner about pleasure, or at least not volunteering the truth, check out the section in Difficult Conversations below about how to start repairing that damage.