4

To Talk or Not to Talk

WHEN TO TALK

MAKING TIME TO TALK

THIS MIGHT SOUND SILLY, BUT WE DON’T ALWAYS make time to talk to the people who are the most important to us. Maybe you chat about your day, what’s going on at the office, or the movie you just saw, but when did you last talk about your feelings?

Or maybe you and your sweetie(s) don’t get to see each other that often, and you feel reluctant to “ruin” date night by having hard conversations. You just want to enjoy your time together and not risk derailing the evening.

Either way, sometimes the most important things are the hardest to bring up.

Whether you’re simply giving your partner a heads-up that there’s something you’d like to talk about and asking if it’s a good time, or actually scheduling time to talk, it’s important to differentiate “talks” from simply chatting about your day.

You need to be in a different head space to really share—and hear—heavier stuff about how you or a partner are feeling. That’s why it can be helpful to have a scheduled time on the calendar to talk about how things are going. Depending what your organizational style is, you can even make an agenda for these talks.

Whether you set these talks for once a week or once a month, it can be helpful to know that you’ve got a time coming when you can raise any concerns you’ve been having, set your shared schedule for the coming week or month, and make sure you’re on the same page about the relationship.

If you’re a note-taking type, like I am, you might even keep a running list for yourself of things you want to talk about at the next meeting. Putting something on the list and knowing you’ll get a chance to sort through whatever it is can help take it off your mind in the meantime.

When you have your first scheduled relationship talk, set some ground rules about how you’d like it to go. Are you agreeing on an agenda together? Are you each getting equal time? Are you tackling one big topic, then each adding your own smaller items that have come up since the last meeting? Knowing how the talk will go can be as important as the talks themselves.

Another thing to consider is location. Some people will be most comfortable doing this at home, and for other people having these talks in public is easier. Sometimes being out in the world is a good backdrop to keep things on an even keel, if you’re afraid the talk might get tense or emotional.

The bottom line is figuring out what it takes logistically to make it most likely that you and your sweetie(s) will get what you need from these conversations.

At a minimum, give your partner a heads-up when you want to have a difficult conversation, and check in about whether it’s a good time. Sure, sometimes things come up in the moment that have to be addressed, but if the issue isn’t immediate, you’ll get the best results if you have the conversation when everyone is in the right head space for it. It’s also another way to establish a consent culture within your relationship, by letting people opt in to serious talks rather than being surprised by them.

With clients, I often call these State of the Relationship talks. Just like oil changes, software updates, and putting air in the tires, everything requires ongoing maintenance, and relationships are no exception. Once you’ve decided to have these regular talks, here are some things you might want to cover:

Needs and definitions around sex.

Household logistics, chores, etc.

Vacation planning.

Big personal topics that affect everyone—job changes, moves, etc.

Your schedule for the coming week or month, depending how often you have these talks.

Scheduling date nights.

Sometimes just knowing that you have a built-in space coming up to raise issues can make things feel less urgent. Often it’s not knowing when or how to bring something up that causes the most stress. When you have these talks already on the schedule, you’ll also have a built-in time for bringing up new kinds of sex you’d like to try, or a fantasy you’d like to tell your partner about.

Most people think that figuring out how to start the conversation is the hardest part, so if you’ve got time to talk built in already, you’ve already done the hardest part and you can focus on the information you want to share, rather than worrying about how to bring it up.

PUTTING IT IN WRITING

Have you ever thought something was perfectly clear, only to realize that someone else thought something completely different? It’s happened to all of us at one time or another. One way to help avoid this is to keep explicit agreements written down. This could mean a journal that’s kept somewhere that all involved parties have access to, or it could be a shared Google document—whatever works best for you and the people involved. Regardless of the format, having things written down can be helpful in a few ways.

The act of writing things down forces you to make sure that the same understanding has been reached. When you discuss what’s getting written down, you can find out if you’re on the same page—literally. And this clarity goes a long way toward avoiding miscommunications. Having agreements written down also helps make sure that the vagaries of memory won’t cause trouble later on.

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying that there are three versions of every story: my version, your version, and the truth. This isn’t about people lying or being intentionally manipulative. It’s simply how memory works sometimes. That’s why eyewitness accounts of crimes are notoriously unreliable. So having agreements in writing, that you can refer to, removes some of the memory guesswork.

So what kinds of topics or agreements lend themselves to a written record? Let’s examine a few.

Making plans

Do you have an agreed-upon date night? Did you get tickets to a concert? Have a shared calendar or schedule, whether it’s paper on the wall or something shared online. Be clear about what’s been agreed to so feelings don’t get hurt.

This goes for holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, too. Pop culture would lead you to believe you’re supposed to be a mind reader around these events—but that’s a great way to wind up with frustration and hurt feelings all around. If you’re expecting to spend a particular day with a partner, be sure you’ve talked about it.

Safer-sex agreements

You want to make sure your safer-sex agreements are crystal clear. Sometimes it can help to get them down on paper to make sure everyone’s understandings are exactly the same. These agreements can include how often STI testing will occur, what kind of barriers will be used during sexual activity, and what kind of communication and disclosure will happen between partners.

Household duties

If you live with someone, it can be helpful to have clarity about who has agreed to do what. Avoid arguments on trash day by having all agreements in writing and easily accessible.

These are just a few examples. What’s important to you might look completely different. But keep in mind that these agreements are likely to change over time and should be revisited on a regular basis. Writing them down is for the sake of clarity, not so that they’re set in stone and can never be changed.

SCHEDULING

For people with busy lives, scheduling can be not only stressful, but a sore point in relationships. Not only scheduling dates, but scheduling time for sex. People may roll their eyes at that and think that eliminating the spontaneity takes the fun out of sex, but is that really worse than not having sex at all?

Here’s where we can take a lesson from kinksters or swingers—communities where planning parties and play is the norm. When you have something on the calendar in advance, you have a chance to look forward to it, to plan, and discuss, and maybe choose outfits or toys. Rather than ruining the fun, it builds anticipation.

It can also take some of the pressure off if you simply plan for connective or intimate time. There doesn’t have to be any particular kind of sex, or any sex at all. But when the people involved have busy lives, you may be surprised how much time can go by without spending quality time together before you start to notice something amiss.

Scheduling can work a lot of different ways. You can take a cue from the polyamory community and use Google Calendar, or if you live with the person you’re scheduling with, maybe you have a whiteboard calendar on the fridge. Whatever technology works for you, try to make sure you’ve got scheduled dates.

To help make this fun rather than a chore, try keeping a running list of things you’d like to do on your dates together. This can include restaurants to try, concerts or movies to see, or sex stores to explore together. Whenever you see an interesting Facebook event pop up, or something listed in the newspaper grabs your attention, you can add it to this running list you share. Then when you sit down to do your scheduling or have your State of the Relationship talk, you’ll already have some ideas of what to do together, and ideally the dates will be things you’re looking forward to.

Frequency of dates or sex is a common sore point in relationships. Just like everything else, it’s important to talk to your partner or partners about your expectations in these areas, to help prevent frustration or hurt feelings. In a future chapter, we’ll discuss mismatched levels of desire, but for now we’re talking simple logistics.

If you and your partner would like to be having more sex, but jobs, kids, and life are getting in the way, how can you arrange your schedule to make sure there’s time for intimacy? Sometimes economics doesn’t allow for working shorter hours or hiring a babysitter. But making time for intimacy should make its way onto the list of priorities when you’re scheduling and budgeting.

To make this easier, it helps if you feel like you’re in this together. It’s not one person trying to get something from the other person, it’s the two of you trying to work this out together. And keep in mind that not every date needs to be a whole day or a whole evening. You can get creative and find ways to make shorter time meaningful, too.

Whether it’s fitting lunch or coffee into a workday or taking some ideas from the long-distance relationships section to use Skype or texting as a way to maintain intimacy, feel free to get creative about how you stay connected to your partner.

WHEN NOT TO TALK

WHEN TO PROCESS WITH A FRIEND, NOT A PARTNER

Often, our partners become our main go-to people when we want to process our feelings, from what happened at work that day to struggles with our friends to issues with housing. But what about when the issues or feelings you’re having are about your partner? Or, in the case of an open relationship, about one of your other partners?

Sometimes it’s more appropriate to reach out to a friend.

Even when you’re reaching out to a friend rather than a partner, it’s helpful to follow some of the same procedures we’ve talked about. Ask your friend if they’ve got the time and bandwidth to process with you. And make sure you let them know if you just want an ear, a shoulder to cry on, or if you want help brainstorming solutions.

Before talking to a friend, think about what you need to share to get help, and what should stay private. For these decisions it can be best to have explicit conversations with your partner about what can be shared and what stays between the two of you. For example, sometimes details of sex acts or fantasies might be too intimate to share. But keep in mind that you can always talk about your own experience, and if someone is trying to keep you quiet, or keep you from talking to your friends, that can be a big red flag.

Also keep in mind that if you find yourself regularly going to friends to talk about your partner, that might indicate a problem, too. If you’re frequently complaining about someone, rather than talking to them, that’s not a great sign.

When sharing with friends, remember to share the positive, as well as the challenging, things about your relationship. Most people are prone to complain more than to share happy moments. That doesn’t mean the happy moments aren’t there, it just doesn’t always occur to us to tell people about them. Maybe we don’t want to sound like we’re gloating, or it’s just that misery loves company. But make sure you’re not turning your friends against your partner by only sharing the negative.

If you bring up a problem to a friend—whether they give you advice or not—it might be a good idea to circle back and let them know how that issue ended up being resolved, so they know it isn’t still pending.

Sharing the good things, and keeping your friends informed of the balance of your relationship, will also help them give better advice, or at least be a more neutral listener, when you do need to lean on them. If they only ever hear the negative, they might not understand why you’re in the relationship, or be tempted to suggest you end things.

WHEN TO GET OUTSIDE HELP

Sometimes we need to seek professional help, and that’s okay. There are some issues that can’t be solved with all the communication skills in the world. Whether that means individual or couples’ therapy or coaching, there are a wide variety of sex-positive professionals to choose from.

How do you know when it’s time to get professional support? Any time you’ve tried the tools at your disposal and you’re still feeling stuck, it’s worth looking into.

Couples counseling

When things have stagnated for a while and you can’t seem to get conversations started, or when you aren’t talking to each other at all, professional help may get your communication jump-started.

Not only do therapists, counselors, and coaches have a variety of tools at their disposal, but going to see someone means making time in your schedule for the talks and being in the neutral space of their office. Sometimes just those two factors make it both worth going and incredibly helpful.

Going to see someone as a couple can be like having your State of the Relationship talk with a neutral third party, or with a moderator/mediator. Having someone else in the room who can help set the container of what’s going to be covered, and making sure conversations stay on topic, can be a huge help. They can make sure that each person has time to talk and time to address their feelings, and they can help ensure that everyone is hearing each other and understanding what’s being said.

Sometimes the reframing of an issue that a trained third party can offer makes all the difference if you’ve been coming at the issue from the same angle for months or years. As can simply making the commitment to see someone and show that you’re both invested in working things out.

When there’s been a breach of trust or relationship agreements, and emotions are running high, having a neutral third party keep the conversation going and on track can be a valuable resource.

Individual counseling

If you’ve never been to therapy, give it a try. Although the stigma is starting to fade, many people still avoid this kind of help for fear it means they’re “crazy.” It doesn’t mean that at all. Therapists and counselors are simply experts in a certain field, and you should reach out to them the same way you’d get professional help in any other field, like having someone manage your finances or file your taxes.

Having an outside perspective, even if you’re not dealing with any particular diagnosis, can be incredibly valuable. And if there are not mental health issues at hand, other helping professionals like coaches can be a great option.

Wondering how to know if you should get help? Here are a few examples of why you might want to seek a counselor or therapist, but any time you’re struggling is a good time to get support.

If you’re feeling consistently overwhelmed, or you feel like your responses to situations are out of proportion to what happened.

When you feel like you’re having a hard time keeping up with your responsibilities.

When you’re recovering from trauma.

Substance use/self-medicating.

You’ve experienced a big loss.

You’re not enjoying things you used to enjoy.

Friends/partners/family express worry about you.

Relationships are made up of people, and each person must address their own issues and take care of themselves if they want the relationship to be healthy. Sometimes taking a pause to work on individual issues is the best thing that can happen to a relationship.