9

Difficult Conversations

HOW TO GIVE AND ACCEPT AN APOLOGY

Everyone makes mistakes at some point. How you handle it and if—and how—you apologize can make a big difference. We’ve all experienced it—the apology that makes us even angrier rather than making the situation better. A personal pet peeve is when an apology comes in the form of, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.” Phrasing it in those terms doesn’t take any responsibility for what’s happened.

So how do you apologize well?

First, we need to get over the guilt or embarrassment that makes us want to ignore the situation and move on. And while the urge to hide your head in the sand is totally understandable, ultimately it’ll make things worse and potentially even destroy the relationship.

It’s important to have an understanding of what happened. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying that the best apology is changed behavior? Well, you can’t make changes if you don’t know what went wrong. So the first step has to be a conversation with the other person so you can both come to an understanding of what happened and why.

Another saying is that apologies don’t come with buts. The idea is that if you’re making an excuse (even if you think it’s an explanation) in the same breath as the apology, then the apology probably won’t mean much. This doesn’t mean you don’t want to figure out what factors led to the situation, but that conversation needs to be separate from the apology.

An effective apology needs to acknowledge the hurt that was caused. People want to know that their partner sees the harm that was done. Without this piece, it will seem like the person apologizing doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and it’s harder to believe the apology is sincere and that the incident won’t happen again.

Even when there’s been a sincere apology, hurt feelings can linger. It’s important to give someone a chance to process and heal. The time it takes could be anywhere from minutes to days, maybe even weeks or more, depending on the amount of hurt that was caused.

However, once an apology has been given and accepted, try to let go as much as possible, and don’t bring up the incident every time there’s a fight. While it’s important to see patterns of behavior because sometimes they indicate a relationship isn’t healthy, it also creates a bigger divide to recite a litany of grievances whenever there’s an upset.

The most effective apologies involve taking responsibility for your actions, or for whatever hurtful thing happened. None of us ever wants to be the bad guy, so you might need to take a minute with this one and admit to yourself that you screwed up, so you can admit it to your partner.

You also want to apologize as soon as possible. The longer it takes to acknowledge what happened, the harder it will be to make amends. You leave your partner wondering if you understand that something hurtful happened and give them more time to stew in their feelings.

Next up, how will you make it right? Sometimes it’s just the apology that’s needed, and sometimes there are tangible steps that can be taken. The person apologizing can make an offer, or they can simply ask the other party what they need.

When you’re apologizing, make sure to keep the focus on the person who was harmed. Sometimes we feel so bad about what happened, it’s easy to tip over into saying things like, “I’m the worst partner.” Even if you’re feeling that way in the moment, keep in mind that expressing that shifts the focus to you and puts your partner in a position of having to comfort you rather than feeling comforted themselves.

One of the reasons that apologies are so important is that they help restore trust. Without an apology, it can seem like both parties don’t agree on whether something went wrong. And the person who feels hurt has no assurances that the same thing won’t happen again. This feeling is always a problem that can eat at a relationship, but it can be especially damaging in sex and kink, where a lack of trust or sense of safety can completely derail the activities you’d like to engage in.

For this reason, it’s helpful if an apology can include a promise that the same thing won’t happen again. Be careful with this one—don’t make this promise if it’s not something you believe you can follow through on. Having the same thing happen again, especially after a promise, can irreparably harm a relationship.

THE EX TALK

When I’m getting to know someone new, one of the first things I look out for is how they talk about their exes. Are they still friends or do they have a lot of complaints about people they used to date? Even worse, do they tell you about how “crazy” an ex was?

Sure, most of us have had one or two relationships that weren’t so great, with people we don’t care to stay friends with. But if someone has a long string of disaster stories, you’ve got to notice that it’s the person talking who is the common thread.

Not just that, but look at the language someone uses when talking about other people. Are they dismissive or sex negative in some way? Do they use terms like slut when describing people? (Assuming they’re not using it in an empowered, reclaimed way.) Some people have a pattern of going through partners and convincing themselves that their partners were the problem. You’ll save yourself some time and heartache if you avoid those folks.

Beyond how they talk about partners, how do they talk about their friends? Or even celebrities? Do they use body-shaming or judgmental language? All of these things are clues to how this person will ultimately treat you.

Assuming there are no glaring red flags, talking about past relationships can be a great way to get to know someone. We can learn a lot about someone by hearing about the relationships they’ve been in.

Like we talked about in the section on sharing secrets in chapter 6, it’s important to set parameters for these conversations. How much information do you really want? Sometimes it’s best to get a general overview, rather than a play-by-play. How people met, how long they were together, and maybe why they broke up can be good starting points.

When it’s done well, having this conversation can be a good way to not only share personal information but share being vulnerable, and that can help build trust and bring you closer together. Also, sometimes talking about your past relationships can help you see some of the reasons they didn’t work, and help you avoid those pitfalls in the future.

ATTRACTION TO OTHER PEOPLE

Even if we’ve committed to a monogamous relationship, we still find other people attractive. Monogamy is an agreement about actions, not thoughts. But all too often we put our partners in a position of having to lie to us by acting like attraction is a thought crime.

In some relationships, everything from porn to looking at someone walking down the street gets policed. In fact, when I’m teaching in colleges, I’m often asked if watching porn or masturbating is considered cheating.

When I was in a monogamous marriage, my partner and I talked about our attractions. From movie stars to people we worked with, we openly acknowledged when we thought someone was hot. It became almost a game. And it also brought us closer because we were learning things about each other during these conversations, and also proving that it was safe to be vulnerable in that way.

Like we talked about in the section on game playing, it’s not healthy to try to “test” your partner. This comes up in the attraction arena with some frequency, with asking their partner if they find someone attractive, only to pounce on them if the answer is yes.

Don’t ask a question you don’t want an answer to, and don’t put your partner in a situation where they have to lie to you. If you make it unsafe to be attracted to other people, you’re creating secrets in your relationship.

If you’re going to have an open conversation about attraction to other people, remember it doesn’t need to be an explicit rundown. You don’t need to detail someone’s every amazing quality, and you most certainly don’t want to compare them to your partner.

Instead, keep it academic and simple, just stating a fact. If you’re able to have these conversations in a neutral way, you may be able to get to know your partner better and learn new things about their interests.

MISMATCHED DESIRE

Perhaps few things are as confusing as our culture’s idea of how much sex you’re supposed to want to have. Too much and you’re a slut. Too little and you’re frigid. Where are the lines? No one knows. And these biases are highly gendered as well. Basically no one comes out a winner. Instead, we’re all left worrying if there’s something wrong with us, or if we’ll be judged by our peers.

No wonder then that asking for sex can be a touchy subject. If we feel bad for not wanting sex when our partner does, it can be a knee-jerk reaction to judge them for being insatiable, rather than to calmly recognize that there’s a simple mismatch in interest or desire. Likewise, if we ask for sex and are denied, it can be easy to think of our partner as lacking passion or feeling for us.

Not only do different people have different levels of interest in sex, but these levels can change many times over the course of our lives. And many of us are unprepared for those changes. Whether due to lifestyle changes, parenthood, work stress, or simply change over time, we often expect our bodies to be fixed in their prime, and the reality just isn’t so.

Some people are in relationships where there has always been a mismatch in desired frequency. For others, one person’s interest changes over time. Either can be frustrating—especially if there isn’t clear communication around the subject.

Sometimes a partner’s actions make us less interested in having sex with them. Whether it’s something in the relationship that makes us less happy or less comfortable, or something about the sexual encounters we have, it needs to be addressed.

Even if the actual problems aren’t fun to talk about, our minds tend to concoct worst-case scenarios that are even worse than the truth. And thinking our partners no longer desire us can eat away at all aspects of a relationship.

However, with touchy subjects, talking isn’t always easy. When we’re embarrassed, or when we feel judged, our reactions can be less than levelheaded. And so much ego is tied up in our perceived desirability. But left unaddressed, a mismatch in sexual desire is an issue that will fester.

First, it’s worth determining if there are factors contributing to lower desire that can be addressed. If you’re cranky that your partner isn’t helping with the housework, say so. It might still be an uncomfortable conversation, but it’s one you can get through. If your reluctance is about how the sex itself is going, that’s important to share, too. If you’re not getting pleasure from sex, address that issue head-on rather than avoiding sex. As hard as the conversations may be to have, they’re better than a relationship that slowly drifts apart.

When you have a conversation about the mismatch, it’s important to frame it with the understanding that there’s nothing wrong with either one of you. “Normal” really isn’t a helpful concept when it comes to sexuality, and there’s a wide range of natural and healthy ways to be.

Further complicating the issue, many people feel validated by being desired sexually, so when their partners don’t want sex, their confidence can really take a hit. That’s part of why it’s so important to handle the situation with empathy and delicacy. If the lack of desire is simply that, a lack of desire, and not indicative of household, relationship, or sexual problems, it’s important to say so.

While less sex is happening, it’s important to make sure you still have other forms of intimacy. Find ways to spend quality time together, have deep conversations, and have nonsexual touch like snuggling. This often stops happening, along with sex, because the partner who is less interested in sex gets worried about leading the other person on and then saying no. And they end up turning down other basic forms of connection like cuddling or massage. It can be extremely valuable to have an open conversation about this to make sure all your chances for intimacy and connection don’t evaporate while you’re juggling varying levels of interest in sex.

Like so many things, this conversation is best had as simply and directly as possible. You could say, “Hey, I don’t feel like having sex tonight, but I’d really love to snuggle for a while.” Just substitute whatever activity you’d like to engage in—maybe playing a game, or showering together, or whatever else makes you feel close.

It’s also helpful to have an explicit understanding that it’s okay to ask for sex without shame, and equally okay to turn it down without shame. This might not be as easy as it sounds if sex has already become a loaded subject, but getting back to a place where you can discuss it matter-of-factly can be a huge help.

When you’re looking for ways to get everyone’s needs met, see if there are ways to reach a win-win agreement. Perhaps the partner who wants sex can masturbate while the other partner snuggles or touches them—that can be a great way to compromise.

Sex is important to many people’s well-being, and if a mismatch in desire remains long term, it could be time to look at other options. Sometimes an open relationship is a good way to let someone get their needs met elsewhere. You can also seek guidance from a couples’ counselor or sex coach. (See the resources section for tips on how to find help—and check out Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are.)

HOW TO FIGHT FAIR

Every relationship will have a conflict at some point. What matters is how you handle it. Conflicts can be a great test of a relationship because being able to treat each other with kindness and empathy even when tempers flare is essential to long-term harmony.

Especially when a fight comes up in the sexual realm, we can feel sensitive and defensive. The more vulnerable we feel when something goes wrong, the trickier it might be. So in order to try more intensely intimate sex acts, or riskier kink activities, we’ve got to have strong conflict-resolution skills.

First up is owning your own feelings and not assigning blame. When possible, talk about the problem, not the person. It’s not “you’re a terrible partner,” it’s “when this thing happens, I feel hurt.” (For more on using “I” statements, reread that section of chapter 6.)

Where possible, assume innocence or good intentions unless proven otherwise. In a healthy relationship, it’s more likely something was an accident, or a miscommunication, than something done to intentionally hurt you. Let the other person speak their piece, and together you can figure out what went wrong and how to keep it from happening again.

Fights get dirty when we lay blame, call names, bring up past conflicts, raise our voices, or speak in mocking or aggressive tones. Using these tactics will only make things worse rather than working toward resolution.

As much as possible, stay in touch with your feelings and know when you need to pause or take a break. There comes a point when emotions are running so high that productive conversation is no longer likely to take place.

Avoid making generalizations like “you always . . .” or “you never . . .” It can be frustrating when we sense a pattern, but making accusations, especially sweeping ones, will likely put the other person on the defensive. And that’s not a great position for either of you to be in if you want to resolve the issue at hand.

When we’re upset and having a difficult conversation, sometimes we start listing all the things that upset us. This kind of piling on tends to derail a conversation. I’m not saying that each thing that upsets you isn’t valid, but they’ll each need to have their own conversation. When you’re trying to resolve a conflict, pick just one issue or topic at a time, and then take a good break before the next difficult conversation. Make sure to focus on positive time together, and intimacy building, so you’re back to a solid base from which to have the next difficult conversation.

ADMITTING YOU’VE LIED

Most of the tools in this book will help you have a better, more pleasurable sex life. And while talking about sex with your partner might feel tricky at first if you haven’t been in that habit, most couples can accept that there’s always some room for improvement.

But what if you’ve been lying? What if you’ve been saying that you love the sex you’re having, or you’ve been faking orgasms? Or what if you haven’t said anything, and you’ve just let your partner think you enjoy everything that’s happening, but really you’re considering the shopping list, or counting down time until you’re done? In these cases, you’re going to need to come clean, and you’re going to have to be gentle doing it.

Having this conversation means the double whammy of making it clear you haven’t been honest while also explaining you’re not enjoying sex. The person hearing these things will likely feel hurt. You don’t want to compound the issue with more lies, but you can be gentle and thoughtful about how you have the conversation.

If you’ve been faking orgasms, the good news—or bad news, depending on how you look at it—is that you’re not alone. Although the numbers vary, studies show that a significant percentage of people are faking orgasms (or not correcting partners who think they’ve had an orgasm) or are lying about sexual pleasure in general.

Because this is such a touchy subject, it’s best to employ all the techniques we’ve discussed for how to have tricky or vulnerable conversations. For one, you don’t want to do this during sex, or while one or both of you is naked. This is a conversation best had with clothes on, in a space where everyone feels secure, either at home or in a public place with plenty of privacy. Maybe even on a walk. Sometimes movement, like walking, can help facilitate conversations.

You also don’t want to surprise your partner with this conversation. Let them know you want to talk about something sensitive, and let them opt in to the conversation. You want to make sure to pick a time that they’re ready for it. Just like scheduling any other important talk, you want to make sure everyone is well rested, well fed, and in a good mood.

When it’s time for the talk, you want to focus on “I” statements. You’re making this about you, not accusations that your partner is lousy in bed. In fact, that’s exactly the assumption you’re trying to avoid. As much as possible, explain why you haven’t been honest. Have you felt frustrated or self-conscious about your body, or how your body performs sexually? Were you afraid your partner would be less into you if it was more difficult for you to orgasm?

Not only that, but tell your partner how you feel about having this conversation. Are you nervous? Scared? Tell them that. And tell them what you need in order to get through the conversation. Maybe ask them to just listen and not ask questions until you’re done. Whatever it takes for you to say what you need to say.

Many of us have been socialized to think it’s not okay to be too much work. We want to be easy. Easy to love, easy to live with, and easy to pleasure. When these messages are internalized, faking orgasms is one of the ways that pressure can manifest.

You’ll have to do some thinking on your own to come up with all the reasons you haven’t been honest, but if you can share those reasons in a genuine and vulnerable way, hopefully your partner can empathize with your situation rather than focusing on their own bruised ego.

Another technique we’ve talked about before that you’ll want to employ here is focusing on the positive. Before you drop the bomb (and even during and after), make sure you’re also saying what you do enjoy about your sex and intimacy. Maybe you really enjoy how your partner touches you. Maybe you enjoy how safe you feel. Maybe the way they kiss is incredible. You can also tell them nonsexual things you enjoy about the relationship. I’m not suggesting disingenuous ego stroking, but find things you really do enjoy that you can talk about.

When you start exploring ways to have orgasms together, be ready to make suggestions. Don’t just say that what’s been happening isn’t working and then leave your partner to figure out another plan. Instead, be ready to show them exactly what works. Ideally you’ve figured out how to have orgasms on your own, so you can show your partner what you like. If you’re also not having orgasms by yourself, that’s something worth sharing with your partner and probably the first thing to work on.

As for suggestions, if you usually masturbate with a sex toy, try bringing that sex toy into your partnered play. Do what you know works while your partner is there to participate. Also be ready to make other concrete suggestions, like changing the way someone holds their hand, how many fingers they use to touch you, at what pace they’re moving . . . anything you can do that will give them guidance about what you like.

If coming right out and saying you’ve lied or faked feels impossible, all is not lost. While I think honesty is the best policy, I understand why in this case people might be unwilling to go there. If you’re not having orgasms, or simply not having much sexual pleasure, you can still adjust your sex life without saying you’re not enjoying yourself now.

Focus on trying new things, experiencing new sensations, or talking about more intense pleasure. If you’ve been primarily focusing on external pleasure (penis, clitoris) try exploring internal stimulation (prostate, G-spot). This way you can start finding new ways to enjoy yourself before you start modifying the existing ways you’re playing. And once you’ve had some fun exploring new things, it might be easier to say, “If there’s so much pleasure here we didn’t know about, I wonder what else we can discover!”

Exploring things like slow sex, orgasmic meditation, and tantra are all ways you can introduce things that are new enough it can feel like starting from scratch, without making it clear that what you were doing before was a bust.

Finally, it’s important to remember that your sexual pleasure matters! Life is too short to not explore all the pleasure that’s available to you. Sometimes it’ll feel hard, but I promise that it’s worth pushing through the difficult moments to see what experiences are possible.

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE

Breakups. Most people have had at least one. Some of us have had several. In one of the most regrettable moments of my life, I once broke up with someone by sliding a note into their locker. (I was thirteen.) To this day I feel awful about that. Even though we’d only been on one real date, he deserved to hear it from me face-to-face. But I was young, inexperienced (he was my first kiss), and terrified of having to face his reaction. Hence, the note. These days perhaps that doesn’t sound so shocking. In the age of ghosting, maybe getting a note sounds pretty good.

Although I’m not one to bemoan the ways technology is breaking down human interaction (you’ll never catch me shaming someone for looking at their phone), I do think dating apps are making it a bit too easy to treat people as disposable.

Some articles have come out in favor of ghosting, arguing that just disappearing is preferable to a direct rejection, but I couldn’t disagree more. I don’t want those open questions left in my mind. If something is over, even if it’s a conversation that never led to a meeting, I want to know it.

Of course, there are some good reasons people don’t give direct rejections. Online, people sometimes become hostile when faced with rejection. In person, it can be even scarier. So if you need to be vague or say “maybe” for your safety, do so. But when possible, direct communication is best.

So how do you break up with someone? This is a situation where “do unto others” comes into play. How would you want someone to break up with you? For me, I think being kind is paramount. And rely on the things we’ve talked about already. Let someone know you need to talk, and choose a neutral, maybe public, location. It can help to have an outline of what you want to say. You can have actual notes if you think you’ll need them, but at a minimum have an idea of the points you need to cover.

When you’re breaking up with someone, it’s not a negotiation. You’re always allowed to leave a relationship for any reason. So don’t feel pressured to try again or make compromises. This is also your chance to set boundaries about what you need moving forward. If you need a break before you start talking to this person again or start trying to be friends, it’s okay to say so. Sometimes taking a break is the best way to take time to heal so that you can salvage a friendship a few weeks or months down the line.

I don’t consider breakups failures. Sometimes people simply aren’t right for each other anymore, and it doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault, or because anything terrible happened. It’s okay, and often valuable, to acknowledge the good things from the relationship—what you learned, what you experienced, fond memories you have. Sometimes you still love the person you’re breaking up with. Keeping it positive, when appropriate, can also set the tone for a future friendship.

Breakups come in many forms. I’m using the term loosely here. It can certainly mean ending a relationship. But it could also mean other kinds of endings. Maybe you’ve realized that someone you’ve been doing kink play with for a while isn’t a good fit anymore. Or you need to end things with someone who has been a casual sex friend. The less involved a connection was, the more tempting it can be to just disappear on someone, but I don’t think that models the direct and honest communication we’re striving for here.

Perhaps this is overly optimistic of me, but I think good communication isn’t just about our lives and our relationships, but also about modeling best practices so that people will go out in the world and do better. I think we can actually create a culture shift with good communication. That’s how I sometimes encourage myself to have hard conversations I’m tempted to avoid. I ask myself what kind of world I want to live in—a world where people talk about the hard stuff openly and with compassion? Or a world where we take the easy road for ourselves at the cost of other people’s feelings? When I put it that way, it’s an easy choice.