11

Negotiation and Kink

NEGOTIATING A SCENE

Before kink play happens, it needs to be talked about. Rather than thinking of this as a chore to get through, think of it as part of the fun and a way to make sure the scene itself goes as well as possible. In fact, planning is essential to making sure everyone is safe and having fun.

Have you ever planned a vacation? Did you pick up travel guides for the places you wanted to visit, check out websites for local attractions, and start making lists of things you wanted to do? If you were traveling with other people, did you sit down and compare your lists?

Planning for play is much the same. It can involve research about the kinds of play you’d like to try, as well as actual lists of activities. And, like a vacation with other people, the input of everyone involved is needed.

Here are some steps you can take to negotiate your kink play, and some topics you need to consider.

Intentions for the scene

When we’re negotiating, we usually talk about what we’re going to do. But just as important is deciding how you want to feel. Do you want a scene that’s about power and control? Or a scene about sensuality and pleasure? Do you want touches to be rough or tender? Do you want things to progress slowly, or do you want to be grabbed, pushed down, and fucked roughly? Even if you’ve covered all your bases talking about sex, bruising, bondage, and what toys are on the table, you could still end up with a big mismatch if the energy of the scene is never discussed.

Say you’ve decided to have a scene that includes a blindfold, light bondage, spanking, and penetrative sex. You’ve agreed that condoms will be used and that bruises should be avoided. Here are a couple ways that could go.

Version 1

Mira walks into the room and sees Josh sitting on the edge of the bed. She stalks over to him and shoves him so that he falls back onto the bed. As soon as he’s flat, she climbs on top of him, straddling him and leaning forward to plant a rough kiss on his mouth. He makes a small noise into her mouth and she pulls away, yanking at his shirt to pull it over his head. As soon as Josh’s top hits the floor, Mira has him pinned to the bed by his wrists with one of her hands, and the other is reaching to the foot of the bed to grab the coiled rope waiting there.

Mira uses her teeth to grab the bight of the rope, and then with one pull of her hand the rope uncoils across the sheets. She grabs the bight from her mouth and begins to deftly and quickly tie Josh’s wrists together. As soon as they’re secure, she leans farther forward, pressing her bust into Josh’s face, and loops the rope around the bedpost. She kisses her way down Josh’s chest, grazing her teeth across one nipple and then the other, as she continues down.

When Mira gets to Josh’s belt, she gives it a yank so the buckle pops open. Two more yanks and the belt is on the floor, and his jeans soon follow. Mira doesn’t show much patience for Josh’s boxers, either, grabbing the waistband and pulling so that Josh’s erection bounces back to slap his stomach.

Mira looks up at Josh and offers a sly grin. She appears to be sizing him up, glancing down to his feet and then bringing her eyes back up to his tied hands. Appearing to have made a decision, she reaches back down to the foot of the bed and grabs a scrap of fabric. Moving back up Josh’s body, she loops the fabric behind his head, draws it across his eyes, and ties it to one side.

Josh’s breathing visibly quickens when his sight is taken away. Mira runs her nails down his arms and onto his chest, then moves lower. Just when it seems like her hands will fall between his legs, she lifts them and skips to his legs. She digs her fingers in a little, squeezing the muscles of his thighs just enough to make him flinch.

Moving both hands to his left leg, she grabs the thigh and bends Josh at the knee, pulling the leg up into a ninety-degree angle and turning him half onto his side. Now his ass is exposed, and she runs her fingers quickly across his skin before pulling her hand back and bringing it down for a swat that makes Josh’s flesh immediately turn pink. With only a moment’s pause, her hand raises and then flies back down with another resounding smack.

The spanking continues for several moments longer, until Josh is writhing and twitching under her hand. She has mercy on him and moves his leg to lie alongside the other, soothing his warmed flesh against the soft bedspread.

Josh’s cock is still hard, and now it’s dripping a little bit, too. Mira smiles at the sight and grabs a condom from the nightstand. Once the package is torn open and the condom is in hand, Mira grabs Josh’s erection and slides the condom down.

As soon as the condom is in place, Mira moves forward and lowers herself onto Josh. She waits only a moment to feel him settled deeply into her before she begins to move. She moves quickly, working up a rhythm that allows her to slam down onto Josh with enough force that the bed squeaks. She braces herself with hands against Josh’s chest and has to be careful not to dig her nails in, despite her fingers’ twitching impulse.

In just a few quick minutes, it’s over, and Mira collapses onto Josh’s chest as both of them start to catch their breath. When she recovers, Mira removes the blindfold, unties Josh’s wrists, and pulls his body up against hers, forming a big spoon around the curve of his body.

Version 2

Josh enters the room and sees Mira sitting on the edge of the bed. He sits beside her and slides one hand into her hair, moving it out of the way and revealing the slope of her neck. He leans down to kiss her, letting his breath slide across her skin before his lips make contact. She shivers, and gooseflesh breaks out all the way down her arms.

They continue to kiss, and with a swift move, Josh pulls Mira into his lap, never removing his lips from hers. After another long kiss, he turns her body so she’s draped across his lap and supported by the bed.

Josh slides one hand into Mira’s hair, weaving his fingers through her curls, and gently grabbing a handful near her scalp. With his other hand, he lifts the fabric of her nightgown, revealing her panty-clad ass. He caresses her, making the skin sensitive and bringing blood to the surface of her skin in a light blush.

When Mira starts rocking against his lap, Josh knows it’s time for her spanking. He begins with gentle slaps to her ass, using an even pacing as the soft blush of her skin takes on a darker hue. Her hips press into his lap with more urgency, and he puts more force into the spanking but stays at a level of intensity he knows Mira can take for a while.

The minutes are counted in the sound of Mira’s moans and the thrust of her hips. Finally, with a few hard swats, Josh finishes and positions Mira’s limp, relaxed body comfortably faceup on the bed.

He pulls a length of silk fabric out of his pocket and secures her hands together, then loops the fabric around the finial on the headboard. Once she’s secured, Josh takes his time exploring Mira’s body with his hands and his mouth, moving her nightie as he goes and leaving more gooseflesh in his wake.

Mira makes small movements and soft sounds in response to Josh’s touch, and her pupils are blown to large black discs with arousal. Josh smiles when he sees this but decides it’s time to cover her lovely eyes anyway. He uses another length of the silk, and in just a moment Mira has lost the ability to watch what he’s going to do next.

Josh knows that when Mira can’t see what’s coming, everything is felt more acutely, and he uses that to his advantage. He plays with her, pausing between one touch and the next so she can’t anticipate the next sensation. This makes her squirm and writhe with anticipation between each touch.

Finally, Josh slides Mira’s panties down her legs, tosses them onto the floor, and reaches for a condom from the nightstand. Once his cock is covered, he positions himself between her legs and begins the slow process of teasing her, pressing the head of his cock against her vulva but not sliding inside. Not yet. They’ve got all night, after all.

As you can see from these examples, knowing the facts of what’s going to happen just scratches the surface of a successful negotiation. It can take some fine-tuning and some self-exploration, but understanding how you want to feel, rather than just what you want to do, makes a huge difference.

After you’ve decided what kind of scene you want to have, here are some additional factors to consider and to negotiate.

Likes and dislikes

In addition to intentions, it can be helpful when negotiating sex or kink to tell the other person a few things that you do and don’t like. This can help build the basis for what will happen during your scene. Sometimes you may be approaching someone because of a particular skill they’re known for (rope bondage, whipping, etc.), so letting the person know that’s what you’re interested in is helpful. Keep in mind that people want to be seen as people, not just their skill set, so be careful how you approach it, and ideally be interested in the person, too.

Will there be sex/sexual touch?

By now you know that sex can mean different things to different people. (Be sure to check chapter 3 for that point if you’re skipping around.) So you know that you need to be specific about what you mean. People have very different assumptions about kink play and how it intersects with their sexuality. Some people, especially old-school kinksters, keep sex out of it. Many of the younger generation consider it integral. So when you’re negotiating your scene, get crystal clear about what will and won’t be involved.

Decide if clothes are coming off or staying on.

Decide where you can touch over clothes.

Decide where you can touch under clothes.

Decide if there will be penetration.

If you are including genital touch, add in your safer-sex discussion.

Will you be using sex toys? In kink, you’ll often find the top or dominant partner staying fully clothed, while the bottom or submissive might be naked or partially undressed. Sometimes toys, like a Magic Wand vibrator, might be used on bare skin or over underwear. Some people may consider this sex, and others may not. It’s one of the many areas where you need to be really clear about what you mean and what you want.

Safer sex

In addition to your usual safer-sex talk that includes testing and risk information, also consider:

If toys are being used, do you want them covered in a condom?

With kink toys, have you discussed how they’ve been sanitized? Some common toy materials, like leather, can’t be truly sterile.

Do you want gloves used for genital or anal touch or penetration?

Substance use

If you want to play sober, say so. You can also choose a dry party to help facilitate this. If any substances are being used by anyone involved, make sure that’s explicitly agreed upon.

Marks and bruises

With some forms of play, marks may be nearly inevitable. Rope suspension, for example, will almost certainly leave some bruises. Fire cupping always leaves bruises. With other toys, like whips, it’s possible to use them gently, but marks are still a big risk. Other forms of play, like rope bondage on the floor, spanking, flogging, etc., may be a bit easier to control.

If you need to be absolutely sure you don’t end up with marks—either because of your job, or your family, or some other reason—take this into account when deciding what kind of play to engage in, and make sure you tell your partner so they can be cautious about it as well.

Breaking skin

Beyond bruises, some kinds of play can intentionally or unintentionally break the skin. Play with needles or scalpels are some ways that people intentionally play with breaking the skin—and they’re also common limits for lots of people. Whips and other toys can break the skin by accident. So it’s important to note if this is something you especially want to avoid.

Power exchange

Playing with power is a big enough topic that it’s got its own section later in this chapter, but don’t forget to add it into your standard negotiations, too.

Safewords

It’s always a good idea to have a safeword in place when you’re playing with kink and BDSM. A safeword, generally, is something that you wouldn’t normally say during the course of sex or play. People use safewords in part because some people like to say “no” or “stop” as part of their scene, so a different way to communicate when you’re done is necessary.

Many public clubs, parties, or dungeons also have a house safeword. It’s often simply “safeword” or maybe “red,” but you can find this information in the party rules. When the house safeword is used, you’ll have everyone’s attention right away, and the party host or dungeon monitor will come and check on you. This is one of the reasons why playing in public, especially if it’s with someone new, can be a safer choice.

Using the color system (green, yellow, red) is common. Green means keep going or do more, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. Some people also choose their own safeword, sometimes picking something outlandish or silly. If you do this, just make sure it’s something you can remember when you need it!

In addition to safewords, using plain language is still very valuable. Unless you’ve specifically negotiated that you want to be able to say something like “no” without having play stop, people should be able to take you at your word.

Safewords don’t replace communication! While they’re a valuable tool, having safewords in place doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want until you hear one. It’s easy to get carried away from the top or the bottom, and sometimes people forget safewords are an option. You still need to keep an eye on your partner, and if it seems like they’re struggling, pause or check in, even if a safe-word hasn’t been used.

Limits and boundaries

Although with many of the topics we’ve covered, like sex, your conversation will likely have included a discussion of limits, there may be other limits that weren’t covered elsewhere. Common limits are parts of the body you never want touched (ticklish feet?) and words or names you don’t want to be called.

Folks who are new to kink play often think they don’t have any limits, because they’re open to trying new things. But everyone has limits. Look at some fetish porn online, read some kink erotica, and watch play at your local parties. You’re bound to find some things that don’t appeal to you.

Injuries, health considerations, etc.

Is there anything going on with your body or your health that your partner should know about? Latex allergies, grass allergies, or even food allergies could easily come up during play, especially in public. Health issues like asthma or diabetes may also need to be noted, especially if you need to have an inhaler or other medication near at hand.

Aftercare

This has its own section later in this chapter, too, but make sure aftercare makes it onto your negotiation list. It may take playing a few times before you learn what you’ll need, so let your partner know if you’re not sure what you’ll want after a scene.

This isn’t an exhaustive list of points to negotiate, because everyone’s needs and wants are unique. As you think about what points make a good and safe scene for you, consider taking notes and creating your own personal negotiation checklist.

PERSONAL NEGOTIATION CHECKLIST

To help you remember all the topics to cover in your negotiation, here is an incomplete list of things to consider.

Will there be photos or videos?

What words or terms will you use for each other? (Honorifics like sir, ma’am, etc.)

What words or terms will you use for each other’s body parts?

What are each person’s limits?

Will there be sex?

If so, what kind?

What safer-sex precautions are being taken?

What safety precautions are being taken to mitigate the risks of the kink activities?

Will there be any substance use?

What are each person’s aftercare needs?

Does everyone understand the risks involved?

Does anyone have injuries or health concerns?

Does anyone have allergies?

What toys will be used?

What activities will be engaged in?

Where will the scene take place?

When will the scene take place, and for how long?

How do you want to feel during the scene?

What are the top two or three things each person would like to include in the scene?

Will there be bondage or restraint?

Will there be marks or bruises?

Will you be playing with pain?

If so, check in on a one to ten pain scale.

Will you be using a safeword?

If so, what will the safeword be?

DECIDING IT WON’T WORK

Just because you’ve started negotiating with someone doesn’t mean you have to play! Sometimes issues come up in negotiation that make it clear it isn’t a good fit. That’s fine. In fact, that’s great. That’s part of what negotiation is for. It’s far better to find out at this stage that your goals and interests aren’t in line and to call it quits than to go through with play, only to have it feel awkward or worse. While there are a lot of potential points that can be negotiation deal breakers, there are a few common ones, too.

If including sex or genital touch is essential to one player and off the table for the other, that’s likely a bad fit and you should maybe call it quits. There are plenty of other people who want to play in the ways you do and with whom you can likely have a more successful scene.

If interest in power exchange is a mismatch, that can be another deal breaker. If one person wants to call the shots and be called by an honorific (sir, master, mistress) and the other person wants to play as equals, that can be a difficult issue to resolve.

If at any time negotiation starts to feel like an argument, walk away. You only want to play with people who are as eager to hear your limits as they are your desires. Negotiation is your chance to find out if this is going to be a good fit, and if you get a bad feeling at any time, listen to your gut.

AFTERCARE

Aftercare is an essential element of every kink scene. And what people want or need is different from person to person, so it’s essential to add this point to negotiation before you play. One person might need time alone. Another might want snuggles and affirmations. Neither style of aftercare is right or wrong, but those two people might not be a good fit for each other, and that’s better to find out in advance.

One of the great things about negotiation is that you can get creative. So maybe the person who wants to be alone can have someone stand in for them with their play partner and provide those snuggles on their behalf—if that works for their play partner.

Common aftercare needs include:

Snacks

Water

Juice

Comfy blanket

Hugs/snuggles

Positive affirmations

Next-day check-in

And aftercare isn’t just for the bottoms. All of this goes for the tops as well. Especially after rougher scenes, tops often need to hear that the bottom felt good about what happened and still likes them. Everyone should negotiate for their own needs.

Some of these items might be easy to provide in a party setting. Many events have a snack table and a water cooler. But you should still plan in advance so you don’t need to walk away from your play partner to get these items when the scene ends. Try to have everything you’ll need right there with you, so you can wrap the bottom up in a blanket and hand them water as soon as they’re ready for it.

When it comes to length of aftercare, that’s another important point to negotiate. Some people are fine after five to ten minutes, and some only want a hug. But some folks might want hours or even the whole night together. While this can be easy if you’re playing at home with someone you live with, it might be harder in a party setting, or with a casual partner, so it needs to be planned in advance.

At big parties or events, some people like to pack their dance cards and move from scene to scene. This can be tricky if the people they’re playing with want a lot of time together for aftercare. Again, this is a scenario where it’s important to discuss needs and see if there’s a way to get them met, or if this isn’t a good fit. This is also a situation where outsourcing aftercare sometimes happens. Perhaps someone has a friend or partner at the event they can go to for snuggles instead of the person they just played with. Just make sure you plan this in advance, with everyone involved, so there are no hiccups finding the other person when you need them.

Even your aftercare snacks should be discussed. Some people keep chocolate in their play bag for this purpose, and that can work for many people. But some folks might have allergies or other dietary restrictions, so make sure you’ve figured that out.

What about check-ins the next day, or a few days later? Personally, I always like to do this. It makes me feel more at ease to know people I’ve played with are feeling good in their bodies and good about what happened. But not everyone wants to commit that kind of time. So make sure even these details are worked out in advance, so there aren’t any hurt feelings—or unanswered text messages—in the following days.

SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS FOR ROPE BONDAGE

There are some special considerations when negotiating rope. You need to learn to ask the right questions, such as finding out the limits of someone’s flexibility and if they’ve had recent injuries.

People can intend to be forthcoming and still forget information that might be important to know before they’re tied up. Find out if they’ve had any injuries at all—even injuries they don’t think will matter. If someone has problems with their back, for example, a hog tie might be a terrible position for them to be in. For people with repetitive motion injuries, or injuries to their shoulders or rotator cuffs, any position that puts their arms behind their back might be problematic. Also find out if the person you plan to tie has asthma or any other breathing problems. This certainly isn’t an exhaustive list—it’s simply a starting point for you to talk to your partner about the ways their body does and doesn’t like to move.

This is also why ongoing communication is so important. It’s possible that with bondage you’ll put someone in a position they’ve never been in before, and they might discover a problem they didn’t know they had. If something is uncomfortable, the person who’s tied up needs to feel empowered to speak up right away and know that changes will be made immediately—without any blame or shame.

Plan for affirmative, verbal check-ins during play. This can be as simple as “are you enjoying this?” and getting a clear, verbal yes in response. Sometimes you’ll want to ask specific questions—like asking if your partner’s hands are still okay or if a tie is loose enough. Be sure to ask if your partner can breathe easily.

When playing with kink in general, and bondage in particular, you need to be prepared for emotional reactions. Many people don’t know how they’ll react to being tied up until it happens for the first time. Some people react to the extreme vulnerability by crying. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing—it could be a healthy catharsis. It’s important to have had this conversation in advance so you’ll know how to react and what kind of care your partner will need during and after the scene.

Depending on the tie you use, how long it lasts, and how tight it is (or if it was struggled against), rope can leave bruises or marks. Find out during negotiation if your partner is okay having lasting marks and bruises, and if so, whether they should only be visible in certain places. Rope can leave some distinctive marks, and not everyone wants to explain bruises at work or with friends and family.

Hopefully the person being tied up knows if they bruise easily, because it can be hard to predict what activity will leave a mark. Simple indentations on the wrists and ankles usually fade within an hour, but if a tie on the inner thigh digs in enough, it can leave a bruise that will last for days.

If you’re playing with the same person multiple times, ask what they liked most and least about the last bondage session to help guide what you will do in the future.

HARD LIMITS

“Hard limits” is a term you hear at kink and BDSM spaces. It simply refers to a boundary or limit that you always maintain. While many limits change from day to day or partner to partner, depending what you’re in the mood for, hard limits stay a bit more static and should never be pushed or tested by the person you’re playing with.

We’ve already established that everyone has limits, but how do you figure out what they are? You can use many of the same exercises you used to figure out what you do want. What lines did you draw when you were considering your fantasies? Which items were on the no side of your yes/no/maybe list? All of those things are probably your hard limits, at least for now.

And your limits don’t just have to be about physical acts. You can have limits about how you want to feel, like not wanting to feel vulnerable—just make sure you also know what makes you feel that way, like bondage or blindfolds.

When you’re communicating your limits, make sure the person you’re talking to is paying attention and taking your limits seriously. If you get any indication that your limits won’t be respected, that can be a red flag that maybe you shouldn’t be playing with this person.

Here are a few things you might have hard limits around.

Parts of your body you never want touched

Language you aren’t comfortable with

Body-part words

Names/nicknames

Humiliation

Sex acts that are off-limits

Body fluids

Blood

Ejaculate

Urine

Scat

Breaking the skin

Pain

NEGOTIATING POWER

The difference between topping/bottoming and dominance/submission is power. You can play with kink without playing with power, but if you’re going to engage in power exchange, it should be a point of negotiation right along with the acts you’re going to engage in.

Playing with power can look a lot of different ways, and power play has its own learning curve. When you try it, you also need to negotiate the scope. Some people enjoy having power dynamics in their whole relationship (often called 24/7), and some keep it confined to their sex or kink play.

When you’re starting out, or if you want to play with power for the length of a scene, it can be helpful to think about bookending. Just like the rocks or figurines that hold each end of a row of books in place, you can choose an object or ritual that helps you define the boundaries of your power play.

A common way to bookend a power exchange scene is with a collar. The person who will be submissive can kneel at the dominant’s feet and have the collar put around their neck, signaling the start of the scene. At the end of the scene, the reverse can happen and the collar can be removed. This way there is a tangible reminder of when scene space is happening and when the usual relationship dynamics apply. If you don’t like wearing a collar or don’t want to use objects, you can also have words that you say at the beginning or end of a scene.

Keep in mind that I’m saying power exchange for a reason. This is because each person comes to the play on equal footing and through negotiation agrees to exchange power for the length of the scene or the relationship. When you’re playing with power exchange, it’s important to do your negotiating in advance, as equals. D/S or power dynamics can make it harder for people to speak up for themselves, especially for the people on the submissive side of the exchange. So make a clear time to have your negotiation and planning discussion in advance, before you take your scene roles.

If your power exchange is an element of your whole relationship, plan regular meetings (like the state-of-the-relationship meetings mentioned earlier) where you return to your standing as equals for your check-ins and discussions.

NONVERBAL SAFEWORDS AND FEEDBACK

This is one of the only areas where I’ll throw a bone to the “talking ruins the mood” camp—but not for the reasons you might think. When you’re playing with kink, sometimes there’s a gag involved. Other times you’re playing at a loud party and regular verbal communication might not be possible. Other times, people are playing with power, or with a specific role-play scenario, and they want their communication to fit in with that fantasy.

One common tool in kink spaces is a nonverbal safe-word. There are a few ways to achieve this. One common way is to have the bottom hold something in their hand, like a tennis ball or handkerchief, and have them drop it as their way of saying “yellow” or “red.” If their hands are free, simply raising a hand can be a good way to get the top’s attention. Stomping a foot can work as well.

For ongoing feedback during a scene, there are other ways to negotiate nonverbal communication. One can be as simple as going up on tiptoes when you need a minute to process and then returning to flat feet when you’re ready for play to continue. Another version of that is being in a position where you can stick your butt out toward the other person when you want some more and move farther away when you need a minute.

YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY NO

While I hope this is abundantly clear by now, you’re always allowed to say no. No matter what you’ve agreed to, no matter what part of play you’ve gotten to, you can always say no. Doesn’t matter if your partner is turned on. Doesn’t matter if they’re a minute from orgasm. Doesn’t matter if they’ve spent hours planning the scene or used expensive supplies. At any time, for any reason, you can say no.

Playing with kink or BDSM doesn’t change these rules. Playing with power exchange doesn’t change these rules. And anyone who makes you feel like there’s a time when you can’t say no isn’t a person you should be playing with.

STICK TO THE PLAN

Although people have conflicting views on this, I think it’s safest to stick to the plan for your scene and not add anything new. Of course you can always say no, or change your mind about things you agreed to. But that’s about stopping or doing less than you planned. I think it’s best to not increase levels of intensity or sexuality above what was agreed upon during the course of the scene.

Playing with kink gets all kinds of brain chemicals flowing, and being in those altered states can impact decision-making skills. In power-exchange play, some people refer to this as subspace, but that’s a bit of a misnomer, because it can happen regardless of role. The same thing can happen any time you’re playing with heightened states of arousal, or with pain. The effects can be similar to the use of mind-altering substances.

The good news is, if you decide there are more things you want to do, you can always make a second play date. But you can’t take back things you’ve done, and it’s really not worth regretting your choices later.

FIRST AID

The riskier the activity you’re engaging in, the more likely it is that something could go wrong. Many public parties or play spaces have people on hand to help with basic first aid, and that can add to the safety of public play. If you’re playing in private, it’s important to know not only the risks of the kind of play you’re engaging in, but also the most likely first aid to be needed if something goes wrong. At a minimum, have a first-aid kit nearby and be ready to treat basic cuts and bruises. Ideally, get certified in CPR and basic first aid.

If something happens that requires more than basic first aid, never hesitate to call 911 (or the emergency services in your area). First responders have seen it all, and they won’t be shocked by your sex or BDSM play. Get your partner the help they need right away.

RISK

Informed consent requires you to have a clear idea of the risks you’re assuming with any given activity. With sex, the physical risks are often clear: STIs and pregnancy. But when it comes to kink, there can be a lot of hidden risks. Both tops and bottoms need to be fully informed. When tops know the risks of an activity they’re negotiating, it’s their obligation to share that information with the bottom. But sometimes tops don’t know, either. Both parties are responsible for educating themselves on all the risks of the activities they want to engage in, as well as learning ways to mitigate those risks.

In the early days of the internet, BDSM forums talked about ways to differentiate kink from abuse. The core difference is consent, and they came up with the acronym SSC to stand for safe, sane, consensual. For a couple of decades, SSC was a guiding principle of kink and BDSM. You’ll still commonly see it referenced in party and venue rules.

But much like the term safe sex evolved to safer sex, SSC has been updated. Many kinksters pointed out that the activities they were engaging in were never really safe. In an effort to more accurately describe the kink ethos, the term RACK, for risk-aware consensual kink, was born. Replacing safe with risk aware is meant to acknowledge that none of these activities are truly safe, but when engaging in them within a consensual BDSM context, all participants are aware of the risks.

These days the acronyms live alongside each other, with many parties and venues choosing to adopt one or the other. The connotations imply that the RACK parties are sometimes edgier or riskier and are more likely to include activities that are considered to have higher risk, like play that breaks the skin (needles, hooks) or includes fire. Many players (myself included) consider rope suspension a high-risk activity as well. From spanking to cutting, every activity has some risk, and it’s up to you to learn about it and decide if it’s something you’re comfortable with.

From books to classes to conferences, there are many ways to learn more about the kinds of kink you’re interested in. So be sure to do your research the same way you would when new to any activity. As a potential bonus, classes and conferences are a great way to meet fellow kinksters. And the likelihood that someone is interested in safety is a bit higher when you meet them at a class. At a minimum, it’s easier to start the conversation when you’ve both just heard the same information.

SCENES GONE WRONG

Even with the best of intentions, and clear communication and negotiation in place, things can and do go wrong in kink and BDSM. That’s part of the risk you’re accepting when you play this way, and hopefully you also know in advance about the specific risks of what you’re doing. But accidents happen, and it’s important to have some idea of how you want to handle them before you’re in the moment.

When BDSM scenes go wrong, it can be anything from an intentionally crossed boundary (which may be assault or abuse) to an honest accident. We aren’t talking legal definitions here, but your response to the incident might be different depending on the intention.

If someone ignores your safeword or continues playing after you’ve said stop, there’s a problem. Ignoring your no is never okay. These blatant consent violations may have legal consequences, and they’re not the kind of problems we’re addressing here. What this section is meant to address is scenes gone wrong that were accidents or miscommunications. There’s no excuse for intentional boundary crossing or abuse.

Regardless of your role—top, bottom, dominant, or submissive—things can happen that you don’t feel good about. All too often we only consider the bottom or submissive when it comes to boundary crossings, but tops and dominants have boundaries, too, and they’re no less important.

If things have gone wrong at a party, you may want to tell the party host or venue owner, even if it was accidental. (If someone acted in a way that was malicious, or with complete disregard to consent or to your safety, you may want to tell local hosts and organizers, no matter where the incident occurred.) Different communities have different ways of handling these issues. Of course, many times people don’t feel safe or comfortable speaking out about the things that have happened to them. Only you can decide what’s right for you.

One reason you might want to share about your scene gone wrong is so that other people can learn from your experience. In a general way, you’re helping other people understand that these activities are risky. And if there was a specific problem (equipment failure, etc.), you might be able to keep other people from having the same issue.

Immediately after a scene gone wrong isn’t necessarily the best time to talk about it. It’s important for the parties involved to assess what they need, both in the moment and for follow-up. If there’s anger or hurt feelings, the people involved might want support from someone else in the immediate aftermath rather than the person they were playing with.

If you don’t talk about things right away, make sure to set a concrete time to do so. If there’s an apology to be made, it should be done as quickly and sincerely as possible. It can also be helpful to talk about what happened and figure out where things went wrong. Was there an unclear boundary or limit? Was there a misunderstanding of technique? Knowing why things went wrong can help make sure it doesn’t happen again, either with this pairing or with future partners.

Aftercare often involves reassurances that you like and trust your partner, especially when there was heavy play. When something goes wrong, aftercare—and these assurances—can be especially important. But sometimes it takes a while to get there. While feelings are hurt, and before things are repaired, you might need to get support from other people.