12

Nurturing

SELF-CARE

WHILE YOU’RE WORKING ON MAINTAINING OR improving connection with a partner or partners, make sure you’re also taking care of yourself. Relationship issues can feel all consuming, and before you know it, you can fall into patterns that aren’t ideal for you. Or you can fall out of good habits. Make sure you’re always prioritizing yourself and your own well-being.

This is something I tell clients when they start working with me. Digging into issues around sex, sexuality, and relationships can bring up lots of feelings you’ll need to address. If nothing else, you’re likely to feel more emotional or more vulnerable during the process. This can make it especially important that you have a plan for taking care of yourself.

Many of us struggle with eating well, sleeping enough, and getting enough exercise even during the best of times, let alone when we’re feeling strained or stressed. So it can be valuable to plan for this kind of care alongside any planning you do around trying new kinds of relationships, sex, or kink.

Know what makes you feel your best, and also know what works as self-soothing when you’re feeling worn thin. Have a list of things that you can try so you don’t have to think about it when you’re at your lowest point. Anything from time in a hot tub or bath to getting a massage, taking a nap, or going for a walk might make this list. There are no wrong answers—you just need to know what works for you, and you need to plan for the time it takes to do these things on top of your normal schedule.

CAMPSITE RULE

Originally a motto for scouting troops, the “campsite rule” refers to leaving camping grounds in as good a shape as you found them, if not better. So, no leaving trash around or destroying the habitat. Dan Savage adapted this rule for relationships, in his case usually using it when one partner is significantly older than the other. The way he says it, when one partner has more experience, it’s their ethical obligation to take extra care of their younger or less experienced partner. I don’t disagree.

But I’d take it a step further—why not aim for this in all relationships? Most of us have some kind of baggage from past relationships, or from simply existing in a sex-negative, body-shaming culture. We can work on healing those wounds, one person at a time, by lavishing our partners with positive reinforcement.

Tell them you love their bodies. Be receptive to their sexual interests and kinks. Show that it’s possible to have a relationship with open and honest communication. Don’t become the ex someone tells horror stories about—have the kind of relationship where you can stay friends, even after a breakup. Be the kind of partner who sets an example for how relationships can be.

This doesn’t mean there’s never conflict. It doesn’t mean the relationship lasts forever. But we can be kind and nurturing to each other, even when there are fundamental mismatches that mean romantic connections aren’t possible. I’m friends with most of my past partners, and it’s incredibly fulfilling to maintain connections with people who have been important to me, even when the sexual or romantic aspects of our dynamic have come to an end.

There’s something to be learned from every relationship and connection, even if what you’re learning is what doesn’t work for you. A relationship that ends doesn’t have to be a failure. Too much of our culture treats ended relationships as an embarrassment we have to put behind us. But that’s just another facet of our unhelpfully goal-oriented society, where there’s a narrow view of success.

So wherever you can, help pick up the litter left behind by previous partners, and leave everyone with a tidy campsite if and when you leave.

DATE FOLLOW-UPS AND CHECK-INS

Aftercare isn’t just for kink! It’s lovely to follow up with someone after a date and let them know you had a good time (as long as that’s true!). This can also be a way to extend the good feelings of the date and to start planning for the next one.

This is one area where common dating advice really goes off the rails and encourages harmful game playing. Advice givers act like there’s a one-size-fits-all answer for how soon to get in touch after a date or how long to wait before you answer a text message (or email, or phone call).

But any advice that says there’s one way to do things is encouraging you to be less than genuine. And ultimately, that doesn’t serve anyone. If you’re following rules prescribed in a book or an article online, you’ll ultimately not be getting your needs met.

If you feel inspired later that night, or the next day to tell someone you had a lovely time, do it. If the other person doesn’t like that kind of contact, that’s a conversation to be had. But ultimately if you’re a higher-contact person, you want to find someone with the same style rather than tamp down your own needs to fit their preferences. That isn’t sustainable in the long run.

If there are certain kinds of contact you’d like to receive, be sure to ask for them. Asking for someone to check in when they get home safely is a nice gesture and provides a built-in follow-up. You can also talk about parts of the date you especially enjoyed and things you’d like to do next time.

PLAY WITH ANTICIPATION

Having special events and planned dates to look forward to is a great way to maintain connection and build anticipation when life is busy. But you can go beyond simply scheduling a date night and actively build anticipation all day, or even all week.

Find creative ways to leave each other notes, send texts throughout the day, or plan the outfits and toys you’ll use. Finding ways to plan that build excitement and anticipation helps quell the fears that scheduling makes things boring. Not only that, it’ll make the event itself hotter and ensure you’ll look forward to the next scheduled date.

If you live together, you can also step up the compliments and flirting around the house. Tell your partner how cute they look first thing in the morning, or fresh out of the shower. Give them an extra squeeze or kiss when they’re out the door to work in the morning, and say how eager you are to see them that night. We all want to feel wanted. Sometimes all it takes is saying the things you already think (and maybe take for granted) out loud.

KEEP EACH PERSON SPECIAL

Having special things you do with a partner, or say to a partner, is just one way to differentiate that relationship from the other connections in your life. This can be anything from calling them pet names to saying good night in a particular way to bringing them their favorite flower now and then.

If you have multiple partners, it might be helpful to have unique rituals associated with each partner to help each connection feel special. This can be everything from using a different set of sheets to burning different scents of incense to playing different music.

Just like asking someone how their body likes to be touched, it can help to ask someone what makes them feel special. What kind of check-ins do they enjoy? How do they like to hear that you’re thinking of them?

What can you do to maintain connection throughout this whole process of exploration? Don’t forget to keep doing all the things that are already working, and don’t let sexual exploration become such a full-time job that you don’t go see a movie now and then.

It’s important not to let other aspects of life and relationships suffer when the focus is shifted to sex, because as wonderful as sex is, it’s only one aspect of our relationship with ourselves and with other people.

ALWAYS A WORK IN PROGRESS

Every section of this book is about ways to explore and fine-tune your sexual experience. There isn’t any set goal you’re trying to reach, and there is no perfect sex life to achieve. Like all areas of our life, sex can (and should) remain a work in progress our entire lifetimes.

We will continue learning things about ourselves, about the kinds of sex that are possible, and about our partners. That’s part of what’s amazing about sexuality and part of the fun! There’s always something new to look forward to and something new to try.

And having that outlook of learning and growing will serve you well because our own bodies change over time, too, so we need to be ready to keep figuring out what works for us as our own bodies and interests evolve.

Keep an open mind.

Try new things.

Have fun.