GLOSSARY

Aftercare: Providing care to someone after a kink scene.

Analingus or Rimming: Refers to using the mouth and tongue on the anus.

Barrier: Any form of physical protection, like condoms or dental dams.

BDSM: For this acronym, some letters do double duty. Bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.

Cis: the commonly used shortened form of Cisgender, which is the designation for people whose gender identity corresponds with the one assigned at birth.

Dominant/submissive: Similar to top and bottom, but this time with a power-exchange element. The submissive gives power to the dominant for the negotiated space of the scene. Some people also have an overarching D/S dynamic for their entire relationship.

Electrical play: Using kink toys made for electricity, like violet wands or TENS units.

Exhibitionism: Getting sexual pleasure from being seen or watched.

Fetish: The true definition refers to something that must be present in order to achieve sexual gratification, but the word is often used colloquially as interchangeable with kink.

Fire cupping: cupping is a form of traditional medicine, of which fire cupping is one variety, that has been practiced around the world for thousands of years. In the case of fire cupping, fire is used to create a vacuum inside the cup being used before placing the cup on the skin, typically on the back. That vacuum then pulls the skin up into the cup. This practice leaves distinctive round bruises and due to the intense sensations experienced it is also practiced in the kink community.

Fisting: Fisting is when you put your whole hand, up to the wrist, into the orifice of your choice. In my case, it was vaginal fisting.

Frottage: Sexual rubbing, nonpenetrative sex, with or without clothes on.

Kink: Often used to refer to sexual practices considered unconventional, in my experience, “kink” refers to anything just a little taboo to the person saying something is kinky. Sometimes used colloquially to refer to anything someone is into sexually. People who are asexual may also practice kink. The motivations and rewards for these behaviors are different for everyone.

Masochist/masochism: Deriving sexual pleasure from receiving pain. From the writer Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.

Pegging: Coined by a Dan Savage reader, pegging usually refers to a woman using a strap-on dildo to anally penetrate a man.

Play: Whatever form of sex or kink you’re engaging in with someone.

Play partner: The person you’re engaging in kink or sex activities with.

Relationship escalator: Most often seen in writing about polyamory or relationship anatomy, the relationship escalator refers to the societally prescribed way a relationship is expected to progress, from dating, to living together, to marriage, to children, etc.

Sadist/sadism: Deriving sexual pleasure from giving pain. From the writer Marquis de Sade.

Sex positive: A term popularized by Carol Queen⁸ that encompasses a wide range of beliefs about how both individuals and society can relate to sex and sexuality in a healthy way. Being sex positive means being nonjudgmental and nonshaming. Sex positivity encompasses any sexual expression, including asexuality.

Scene: Usually in relation to kink, a scene refers to the time when kink play is taking place. Can also be used more generally to refer to the whole kink community, as in, “the kink scene.”

Strap-on: Using a harness that holds a dildo to your pelvis. Can be worn or used by people of any gender. There are varieties that allow space for a bio penis. There are also strap-on harnesses that can be worn on other parts of the body, like the thigh or chest.

Switch: Someone who switches between top and bottom, or dominant and submissive roles, whether with the same or different partners.

Top/bottom: Used in both the queer and kink communities, top refers to the person giving sensation or the person “doing,” and bottom refers to the person receiving sensation. However, bottoming is not necessarily a passive role.

Unicorn: A slang term used to refer to a potential third party for a threesome. Usually in reference to a bisexual woman, but can be applied to any gender. The reference pokes fun at the idea that a young, attractive, bisexual woman who will be equally attracted to both parties in a couple will appear for a threesome, and then go away, without having any needs of their own. Impossible, hence “unicorn.” Couples who are looking for a third in a way that treats people like objects are often called unicorn hunters.

Voyeurism: Getting sexual pleasure from watching others.

 

8 Carol Queen, “What Sex-Positivity Is—And Is Not,” Good Vibes (blog), March 4, 2014, https://goodvibesblog.com/sex-positivity/.