32
MORGAN
Ruby and Everly are arguing when I walk into school. I make a mental note to ask her about it later, giving them a wide berth as I head to my locker. Ruby has hinted that Everly knows about us, but since we’ve still never been formally introduced, it doesn’t feel like it’s my place to go calm things down between them.
Ruby was weird all weekend, distant. She still didn’t come over, not even after my parents left. I’ve been sort of freaking out that it was something I did. But seeing Ruby and Everly fighting . . . Maybe this has nothing to do with me, or us, at all. Maybe anxiety from the rest of her life is temporarily bleeding into our . . . well, whatever we have. I put on a happy face and pretend it doesn’t bother me how much she compartmentalizes all of her relationships.
Ruby ignores me in fourth period. But then she drags me into the janitor’s closet when I’m walking by during sixth. Sixth is my free period, but she has English, and I know she can’t afford to be skipping it.
“What are you doing?” I half laugh, expecting her to kiss me or say something along the lines of I couldn’t wait to see you. But her face is sad, pinched somehow, like she has a bad taste in her mouth she can’t quite shake.
“We need to talk,” she says, and my stomach drops. I know from experience that we need to talk often directly precedes this was a mistake, which is then swiftly followed by I don’t think I like girls after all.
I wrap my arms around myself, bracing for the worst. “About?”
“There are rumors. About us,” she says, looking absolutely panicked now.
“What kind of rumors?”
“You know what kind of rumors,” Ruby says, pulling out her ponytail just to put it back up again. “Have you told anyone? You didn’t, right?”
“Huh?” My brain is still trying to process the fact that I might not be getting dumped after all, but this doesn’t sound good either.
“Have you told anyone about us? Anyone? Because Everly is the only person who knew from me, and she swears on her life that she didn’t tell anyone.” Ruby takes a shaky breath. Is she going to cry? “But Everly said she heard stuff on her own and did her best to shoot it down so I wouldn’t freak out. If it wasn’t her, was it you? You wouldn’t do that, right? I know that you know how important this is. I’m an asshole for even asking, but I need to hear it. You didn’t tell anyone, right? No one besides your brother knows?”
I shift under the weight of her pleading look. “I mean, not really.”
Ruby looks so shocked, so hurt, my head spins. “Not . . . really? Not really?!”
“A couple of my friends, but they wouldn’t—”
“Jesus Christ,” she says, turning away from me. “Jesus Christ. Who?”
“A couple friends from Pride Club. That’s it. And they would never say anything. I promise.”
“Why would you do that? You knew! You knew I . . .” She’s practically vibrating. With anger? Anxiety? I take a step toward her, intending to wrap her in a hug, but she darts away. “Who did you tell, Morgan? Specifically. I need to know.”
“Nobody, really. Just, like, Aaron—”
“Aaron? My neighbor Aaron? Fuck. Who else?”
I look away. “I don’t know. Anika, Drew, and Brennan were there too, but they would never tell a soul about us.”
“What did you tell them about me? What right did you have?”
“I didn’t tell them about you; I told them about us. It’s not the same thing! It’s not like I outed you or something!”
“Yes, you did!” she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
“I didn’t. I swear. I just told them how happy you made me, and . . . You have to understand. They’re my friends. Am I just supposed to pretend that the best thing in my life isn’t happening? That’s not fair.”
“I am not your best thing!” Ruby shouts, putting her hands on her head with a groan.
“I don’t understand what the problem—”
“The problem is that people are starting to talk about us like we’re dating or something!”
“Oh.” I exhale hard, her words punching the air right out of me. I thought we were dating.
“Yeah, ‘oh,’” she says, misunderstanding. “You knew this was a secret. This was for us and not for anyone else!”
“No, right. I got it,” I say, blinking back tears. “Crystal clear. Message received.”
Ruby reaches for me, and now it’s my turn to move away. “Don’t be like that.”
I gulp down an angry breath. “I don’t want you touch me right now, okay?”
“Fine.” She drops her hand. “I thought we were on the same page with all of this.”
I paw at my cheeks, wishing they weren’t wet. “Yeah, I guess I just misunderstood.”
“What do you think ‘secret’ means, Morgan? Because it’s not telling our business to anyone who will listen.”
“My life is not a secret,” I say, a little louder, not even caring who hears on the other side of the door. “And sorry I got the wrong idea about us dating from the flowers and the constant kissing and, you know, the date. And speaking of kissing, did you ever think that maybe I don’t just want to do that when we’re alone anymore? That maybe I want to kiss my girlfriend after winning a race like everyone else kisses whoever they’re dating, you know, without hiding under the bleachers like we’re committing a crime?”
“You know we can’t—”
“Yeah, now I do. We can’t do any of that. Ever.” I push past her to the door. “Because it turns out, I don’t have a girlfriend. I just have a secret.”
Aaron pops in while I’m sitting in the peer counseling room, my head on the table and my heart on the floor. Because Ruby hasn’t texted or tried to reach out to me at all since our fight, and honestly, I don’t even know if she will.
It hurts way more than I was expecting.
“Hey,” he says, knocking on the door frame. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie. But when he just stands there, I add, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay,” he says. “I just wanted to make sure you were still up for your appointment.”
“Danny’s here already?” I glance at the clock. All of this wallowing made me lose track of time.
“If it’s a bad night, I’ll do it. We just need the room.”
“No, I’m good. Send him in.” I sit up a little straighter and fix my T-shirt. Maybe helping him with his stuff will make me feel better, or at least help me pass the time between now and, I don’t know, eternity?
Danny appears in the doorway a few seconds later. He’s in an oversized hoodie, with the hood pulled all the way up. There are sunglasses in his hand. It’d be comical how incognito he was trying to be, if he didn’t look so miserable.
“Hey,” I say, and shove the tray of cookies Izzie always leaves out toward him. He grabs a sugar cookie and eyes me warily.
“You look like crap.”
“Thanks, you too.”
Wow, I’m really nailing this peer counselor thing today.
I give him a minute to finish his cookie, but when he doesn’t say anything else, I prod him a little. “Did you want to talk about anything in particular? Or is this just a social call?”
“I don’t know,” he says, wiping his lips, his knee already bouncing. We’ve been locked in this dance for a while now, talking about surface-level fears when I can tell there’s something much bigger churning underneath it all.
“What position do you play again?”
“Why?” He snaps his eyes to mine. “You suddenly like football?”
“Some. I like the Patriots and all that.”
“The Patriots suck,” he says.
“They hate us ’cause they ain’t us, right?”
“No, we hate them because they’re evil and horrible.”
“And I guess the other teams are all angels?”
Danny shrugs and takes another cookie. I wait for him to say more, shifting in my seat.
“I’m a wide receiver,” he finally says.
“Let me guess. You’re in love with who? The quarterback?”
“No.” He looks offended.
“Another wide receiver?”
He looks down, grumbling to himself, and snatches another cookie.
“Another wide receiver it is.” I offer him a sympathetic smile.
“How did you know?”
“Because you look as miserable as I do today, and I think only love can do that to you.”
“Holy crap, that’s dark.”
“Are you going to tell me the deal or make me keep guessing?”
He sighs. “You’re very annoying.”
“I pride myself on it,” I say. “Intra-team dating can be a nightmare.”
“Yeah, I guess you speak from experience. You know, I really thought you were a gay urban legend until I saw you on the news.”
“Nope.” I laugh. “But, you are two-thirds right.”
He raises his eyebrows.
“The ‘gay’ and ‘legend’ parts, obviously,” I say, fanning myself.
He scoffs and tries to hide a small smile. “Yikes.”
“Enough about me, though. What’s your damage? Are you two together? Or is this, like, crushing from afar?”
“You’re pushy too,” he says. “Annoying and pushy.”
“That’s why they pay me the big bucks.”
“They pay you for this?” He looks skeptical.
“I mean, no, I’m a volunteer.” I grab a cookie of my own. “Are you going to answer the question now, though?”
Danny leans back in his chair. “Keep guessing. It’s amusing.”
“You’re together?”
He nods.
“And someone found you two out and is causing problems?”
He shakes his head.
“You’re both out, and you live in the gay-friendliest town on earth, and everything is roses since our last talk?”
He shakes his head again.
“You’re the only one who’s out?”
Another head shake.
“He’s a shitty boyfriend?”
He laughs and shakes his head hard at that one.
“You’re the shitty boyfriend?”
“No.” He smiles. “We’re both good for each other.”
“I give up. I’m stumped. What’s got you driving ninety minutes to this center to see a peer counselor?”
He taps his fingers on the table and lets out a long sigh. “I didn’t come out yet. But I did tell him that I want to be out, and he said he doesn’t. And ever since, it’s been like . . .” He pauses. “It’s felt like I’m suffocating or something. I’m in it with him, really in it, but nobody can know. It’s messed up.”
And, oh, those words drop into my lap like a pile of bricks. All the hurt and frustration I feel from Ruby and our argument flares up fresh inside me. “It’s beyond messed up. It’s complete and utter garbage.”
“Excuse me?”
“If you’re both in love with each other and you have a good relationship, then why shouldn’t you shout it from the rooftops? In my opinion, she’s not really taking your feelings into account at all. She’s manipulating you. It’s not fair.”
“He,” he says.
“What?”
“You said ‘she.’”
I wave it off. “You knew what I meant. Your boyfriend should want people to know that you’re in love. It’s part of being in love.”
“He says it’s not that simple.”
“Then screw him. Don’t let someone trap in you in a closet, literally or figuratively. Because it sucks, and it doesn’t get any better the longer it goes on. Trust me, I know all about that too.”
He blows out a breath, his cheeks puffing out as he considers what I said. “It is complicated, though. We both have another year of high school; we’re only juniors. I don’t care what happens to me; I’m not some football superstar. But he could be. He’s being scouted by colleges already. He could get a scholarship, go pro, even.”
“And what, then you’ll be his secret in college too? If you two even make it that far with all the sneaking around and lying.”
“Hey!”
“Your perfect boyfriend needs to earn that label. And you need to have some tough conversations with him. If you make each other happy, why does what anyone else thinks matter? They won’t kick him off the team for being gay.”
“Didn’t that literally happen to you? We would be risking everything if we came out. I’m ready, but—”
“Then we’ll sue them. And we’ll sue the colleges. And we’ll sue the entire friggin’ NFL if we have to. But you’re coming out. And your relationship is not going to be a secret for one more second!”
A knock on the door frame snaps my attention, and I see Izzie standing there with a tight smile. “Morgan, can I see you for a moment?”
“I’m in the middle of—”
“No, I know,” she says. “I’m going to have Aaron come in to finish up. I just need to borrow you for a minute.”
“Okay.” I stand up slowly and look at Danny. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Maybe don’t bother.” He looks pissed.
I open my mouth and then shut it before following Izzie to her office.
“Have a seat,” she says once she’s behind her desk.
“What’s happening right now?” I sit down slowly. “I’ve never seen you interrupt a peer counseling session before.”
“Is everything okay, Morgan?”
“Yes.”
“It seems like you’re a little on edge today.”
“I’m fine.”
She takes a deep breath. “Morgan, you suggested suing the NFL as a viable option to help Danny with his relationship.”
That’s a fair point. “Okay, maybe I’m not completely fine.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I say. “Can I just get back to work?”
“Unfortunately, I have some real concerns about your ability to peer counsel right now. It’s fine if you don’t want to confide in me. That’s why we have a peer counseling program here in the first place. But I would love it if you would—”
“You think I need therapy? You think I’m screwed up?”
“Peer counseling is about talking things out and finding solutions that work. Everyone could benefit from that. It’s not any sort of judgment about your mental health. I just want to make sure that you have the support you need.”
“I am the peer counselor. Peer counselors don’t get counseling.”
“Actually, most of them do. It’s never meant to be a one-way street, and with everything you’ve had on your plate recently, I think it could really do you some good.”
“Thank you for your concern, but I’ve got things under control. Really. Can I get back in there? Danny and I have made a lot of headway, so—”
“I’m afraid not,” she says, giving me a sad smile. “Your behavior today crossed some lines that I’m really not comfortable with.”
“Oh my god, are you firing me?” I ask, jumping out of my seat. “Am I getting fired from a volunteer position?”
“No, Morgan. Of course not. I still think you’re an asset to this center. But for the time being, I’m going to take you out of the peer counselor program.”
“Seriously?” I feel like I’m going to snap. First I lost the lawsuit. Then I lost Ruby. And now I’m losing the only thing that actually lets me still feel like I’m making a difference at all.
“I know how much you enjoy your role here, and I have other things for you to do, but right now I’m not convinced you have the emotional space to be giving to other people.”
“I do. I have all the space. Too much space. Please. I need this.”
“Aaron told me about the outcome of your lawsuit and how much you’ve been struggling with that. You have a lot going on outside of the center, and I care about you too much to risk you burning out. It would be irresponsible of me to let you take on more.”
“I’m not—”
“We can reevaluate this in a few weeks, but for now my decision stands. I’d love for you to stay on in another capacity, if you’re open to it. If you’d like to leave early today, or take some time to think about it, I understand.”
I sit there for a second, mouth open, forehead scrunched, letting her words sink deep into my skin, where they can mingle with all my other failures.
And then I snap my mouth shut because this day, this day is not going to break me. “I can stay for a little while. Anika is dropping off some of the donations with a few of the Honor Society kids tonight. I’ll help get them organized.”
Izzie smiles. “That sounds like an excellent idea.”
Ruby is waiting in the parking lot after my shift, leaning against her car under the streetlight and looking totally and unfairly kissable.
“Can we talk?” she asks.
“I don’t know. Can we?”
“I’m sorry about earlier.” She sighs. “Let’s go for a drive. Figure this out.”
“Aaron’s my ride today. He’s just finishing up inside, and then we’re heading home. I just came out to get some air.”
“At least let me bring you home, then,” Ruby pleads. “I’ll make it quick. I just don’t want to leave things like they are.”
“Are you sure you want to?” I ask. “I don’t know if it’s smart to be seen in public with your secret.”
“You know that’s not what I meant!” she says, raising her voice right as Aaron steps outside. Except I’m pretty sure that it is exactly what she meant, but okay.
“Is everything good here?” Aaron asks.
“No,” I say, at the same time that she says, “Yes.”
Aaron walks toward his car, which happens to be on the exact opposite side of the lot from Ruby’s. “You still want a ride home?”
I nod and follow him.
“Please,” Ruby says. “I’m begging here.”
Aaron opens his car door, and I walk a little faster. I can do this. I can hold my ground. But why does it feel like I’m being ripped in two?
“Morgan,” she says, and she sounds so pitiful I stop.
Aaron watches me from his car as I hang my head. “Actually, I think I’m going to catch a ride with Ruby.”
“You sure?” he asks. But I know what he’s really asking: Do I feel safe? Do I need his help? Is this a good idea? And the answer to all of those questions is probably some horrible combination of yes and no, but I’m not ready to confront any of that right now.
“I’m good.” I sigh. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”
He flashes a warning look at Ruby. “All right, I’ll see you.”
I lurch forward and hug him goodbye as he starts to get inside, feeling weirdly emotional after this nightmare day from hell. He squeezes me tight and jokingly whispers, “Say the word and we’ll run.”
I force out a smile and then turn to face Ruby.