34

MORGAN

I kick off my shoes and flick on a lamp.

Usually, Dylan is home by now, but I’m glad he’s not this time. I don’t need an audience while getting dumped for the second time today, which is what I’m pretty sure has happened—or is still in the middle of happening now—especially after essentially getting fired too.

A bunch of mail was shoved through our mail slot, so I scoop it off the floor, carry it to the table, and flip through it as Ruby unlaces her sneakers and leaves them by the door. It’s mostly junk mail, but then I see a letter from the dean of admissions at my college. Or, well, my potential college.

“Oh my god,” I say, dropping the envelope.

“What?” Ruby grabs it off the floor and reads the label. “Is this your school?”

“Yeah,” I say, our arguing put on hold as 100 percent of my focus is shifted to the envelope in her hands.

“It’s light.” She bounces it up and down a little. “Is it good that it’s light?”

“How should I know? Everything else from them has been an email!”

Ruby holds it out to me with a small smile on her face. “Only one way to find out.”

“I can’t.” I shake my head. “You do it.”

“Are you sure? This is kind of a big moment.”

“Open it,” I say. “Please, I’m dying.”

Ruby takes a deep breath, carefully tears open the top, and then slowly pulls out a single page.

“Read it faster! Come on!”

“Okay, okay,” she says. A grin spreads across her face as her eyes scan the page.

“It’s good?”

Ruby nods. “It’s really good.”

“Let me see.” I snatch the letter out of her hand, nearly tearing the paper in the process. My eyes scan it quickly. It’s a very kind letter about the official reinstatement of their offer and how excited they are to formally invite me to join their team.

For a second everything clicks into place, and all happiness is restored. I get to go to my dream school; I get to run for my dream school.

And then I notice the date on the letter—the day after it was announced that my lawsuit was formally dropped.

Of course.

I scrunch the paper up in my hand.

It was all for nothing. The lawsuit didn’t help anyone; I didn’t help anyone. I’m right back where I started, like nothing ever happened. I took a stand to change the world, and all I did was make life infinitely harder for the people on my side.

“Morgan? What’s wrong?” Ruby asks, and I just . . . I can’t with her anymore. I can’t with this time loop I seem to be stuck in. Same situations, different faces. I’ll love you, but I won’t tell you. I’ll kiss you, but it has to be a secret. I feel like I’m going to scream.

“I need to be alone right now.” I rush to my bedroom and bury my face in the pillows, trying not to cry. The bed dips a moment later as Ruby sits beside me, rubbing my back. I sniffle a little and sit up. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to help. I don’t know what’s wrong, but—”

“You don’t know anything, Ruby.”

“I know you just found out you’re definitely in at your top-choice school, and those do not look like tears of joy.” She wipes at my cheek. “I don’t understand. I thought this was what you wanted.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve been shown today, it’s that what I want doesn’t matter.”

Ruby looks away, and I know my jab landed.

“I’m gonna ignore that,” she says, like it’s big of her or something. “But this is good. This is a good thing, right? You’re in. You have a scholarship.”

“Yeah,” I say. “This is a good thing.”

“Then what?”

“Look at the date,” I say, gesturing to the now-smoothed-out letter in her hand. “They sent it right after the lawsuit was dropped. Right after we caved to St. Mary’s. I’m being rewarded for giving up my principles. I thought I could . . .” I shake my head. “Whatever.”

“Not whatever. Talk to me. I’m here. I want to be here.”

I look up at her. “I thought I could change the world. Isn’t that stupid? I really thought that standing up for myself would make an impact. But it was all for nothing.”

Ruby gives me the softest smile and tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “Not for nothing. You inspired a lot of people. And you’re helping people at the center. Even today, I bet you—”

“I got fired today.”

“You got fired? How? Why?”

“Because I went off on somebody about coming out and suing their school. Like actual full-on, stressed-out yelling.”

Ruby rubs my back again. “That sounds like a lot.”

“Yeah.” I huff out a bitter laugh. “Apparently, I’m only qualified to destroy my parents’ finances and stuff backpacks.”

“Okay, well, you have time to figure that all out. It’s not—”

“Wow, even my girlfriend doesn’t believe in me.” I roll my eyes. “Oh, wait, no, I forgot. I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“I do believe in you! And I also believe that you deserve only good things. You deserve everything you want. But sometimes in the real world what you deserve doesn’t really matter. I’m sorry you’re just finding that out now.”

My mouth falls open in disbelief. “You think I don’t know what the real world is like? I gave up my school, my friends, my whole life, just to take a stand!”

“And no one can ever take that away from you. But not everyone is brave like you.”

“They should be,” I say, gritting my teeth. “If everybody would just stand up for what was right, then—”

“It’s not always safe to do that! And the ignorant people you’re fighting against think they’re right too.”

“So what? I should just give up until the world reaches a consensus on whether or not it’s okay for me to like girls?”

“I didn’t say that, and I definitely don’t think that,” Ruby says, running her hands up and down my arms. “I’m saying it doesn’t matter if you didn’t win the lawsuit. You are helping people. You’ve helped me.”

I snort. “How? A little while ago you were basically telling me that we can’t see each other because people are starting to talk.”

“I didn’t say we couldn’t see each other. We just have to find a way to keep it quiet. Maybe if I hang out with Tyler a little more, it’ll balance out the gossip.”

My jaw literally drops. “Are you serious?”

Ruby smiles, apparently oblivious. “Yeah, people will probably assume that—”

“That you’re fucking him,” I say, surprising even myself with my harshness. But I’m mad and I’m hurt and I’m in no condition to fight fair right now.

She winces. “Don’t say it like that.”

“It’s true, isn’t it?” I shoot out of bed, standing over her. “Why would you even suggest that? And does Tyler get to be in on this plan? Or are you going to hurt him too?”

She hangs her head. “I don’t want to hurt anyone! I just want to find a way we can be together without people knowing.”

“I want people to know.” I groan. “I want labels and PDA and someone who doesn’t call love ‘the L-word.’ And I definitely don’t want the entire school thinking you’re screwing Tyler Portman if we’re together!”

She looks away, biting her lip. “I really, really don’t know what you want me to say here.”

“I literally just told you!”

Ruby sighs and looks at me. “But you know I can’t give you any of that.”

“If you admire how ‘brave’ I am,” I say, whipping out air quotes for good measure, “why can’t you be brave too?”

“You knew the deal! You knew. You can’t change the rules now.”

“Sometimes change is good,” I plead. “I . . . I need this.”

“You need this? Morgan, my coming out is mine. It’s not something to slap in your win column so you can feel better about yourself.”

I cross my arms and look away.

“Do you even hear yourself right now? This is my life we’re talking about. You don’t get to turn it inside out just so you can have the shake-up you’re looking for.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Maybe not intentionally, but . . . Look, for a lot of reasons, I need people not in my business. Okay? It could mess a lot of things up for me.”

I look her straight in the eyes. “If you don’t want anyone knowing your business, then why is it okay to make them think you’re hooking up with Tyler?”

“You know why,” Ruby says, setting her jaw.

“No, I don’t. I need you to tell me,” I say, even though I do know, and hearing her say it might break me.

She shakes her head. “Because Tyler is a boy,” she says softly. Resigned. “And girls aren’t supposed to like other girls.”

“Well, some girls do,” I say, echoing her words from the shop.

Our words hang heavy between us, neither of us sure where to go from here.

“You don’t understand,” Ruby says after what feels like an eternity. “If my mom . . .”

“No, I do.” I drop my head. “I do. And I’m not going to be the person who forces their partner to come out or issues an ultimatum.”

“Thank you,” she says with a tiny smile. “I knew if we talked we could figure—”

“But I don’t think I can keep pretending either.” I look away. “I promised myself I would never let anyone shove me back in the closet, but I really, really thought I could make an exception for you. Or, honestly, I really, really thought you’d come around to the idea of being out. I know that’s not fair.”

The silence stretches on so loud it makes my ears ring.

“So we’re just over, then?” Ruby finally asks. And I don’t answer, because we both already know, and once I say it out loud . . . Ruby drops her head against my shoulder, her tears hot and wet against my skin.

“I love you,” I say. And she looks up at me. “I’ve been in love with you since you handed me that bag of peas.”

The saddest smile I’ve ever seen snakes across her face as she wipes her eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I wish there were some way . . .”

Car headlights dance across my wall, probably Dylan coming home just in time to witness the absolute catastrophe of us.

“Me too.” Ruby sniffs. She presses her forehead against mine—just for a second, just long enough for me to feel that her heart’s cracking too. “See you around, Matthews.”

And then she’s gone.