Sorry, this one’s taken
It only took us another hour to reach the matrix.
Well, sort of.
“The matrix is housed in the structure just up ahead,” Mary explained from up against my shoulder. “We should stop and assess the situation before approaching it.”
“Assess the situation? Why?” I asked her. “We ride up in a blaze of glory, I realign the thing, the reality-fence pops back into place, the invaders get the heave-ho, and we strut out like the triumphant heroes we are.” I thought about it. “Maybe the blaze of glory comes after? I guess in the movies they usually ride up in a hail of bullets, don’t they? Yikes.”
“Precisely,” she agreed. “We do not know what will be necessary to reach the matrix, and if we simply continue on at full speed we will have no opportunity to stop and plan.”
I wanted to point out that planning wasn’t exactly my strong suit, and that charging in blindly had been working pretty well so far, but then I thought about the particulars: a race’s history rewritten, a train crashed, a color lost, a car stolen, a shrimp killed, a prison sentence escaped, a town demolished, a scourge set loose—yeah, okay, maybe I didn’t have the best track record so far. I tapped the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road, right beside what looked for all the world like one of those cheesy haircut franchises you always see in the mall. Then I made the mistake of looking in through the plate-glass windows. There were . . . people in there, all right, and they were sitting in what looked a lot like barber’s chairs, with other people behind and around them, but they were . . . eating? Their own hair? I turned away quickly. Yuck. I was suddenly really happy I had feathers now instead—they just fell out and got replaced, so no barber shops. Ever.
Ned brought his mecharoo space-hopper to a screeching, tail-wagging halt right beside us. “We need to check things out before we charge in,” I called up to him, and he looked at me funny. Tall nodded from behind him, though.
“Good idea.” Then he frowned. “Real good idea.” The frown morphed into a grin. “It was Mary’s, wasn’t it?”
“Oh, shut up.” His grin actually got a little wider. “You’re the sneaky spy-guy—get your butt down here and scout or something.”
“Aye aye, sir!” he snapped off a salute and hopped down, striding past me to the corner of the shop. Then he peered around it—and whistled.
“What? What’s up? What’d you see?” I crept up behind him, which was pretty silly considering I was: a) a man with the head of a duck, b) dressed like Elvis, c) riding an interstellar Harley, and d) trying to sneak past a shop with a plate-glass window. But at least it made me feel like I was being stealthy.
“Take a look.” Tall pulled back so I could maneuver past him. “At least we found our missing . . . car.”
I snuck a glance. There, up ahead, was a huge . . . building? It was tall and had curving walls made from some glittering grayish-pink stone or maybe dull metal, and there were big arches carved into the sides and a few more in front, some up high like skylights and some down below like doggy doors. It had what looked like small towers running in a row down the middle, too, and those were even more glittery than the rest, except for these other shapes like narrow balconies on either side. There was something about it that struck me funny, and not in a “oh ho, look at that space-matrix building, ain’t it a hoot!” sort of way.
And there was something that looked like a miniature alien bridge sticking out of it.
“Huh.” I twisted to look at Ned, who was behind me. “Guess that bridge-cluster-thingy would have gotten us here after all.”
Ned peeked around me. “I knew I programmed the coordinates right!” he whispered. “If I’d only remembered to up the inertial compensators—”
“Yeah yeah, water under the bridge—almost literally.” I looked at the weird building again. Whoever’d put that thing together could have used a subscription to This Old House. Or just a set of Lincoln Logs to practice with first. “So that’s it? That’s where the matrix is?”
“It is,” Mary confirmed. “We must enter the structure and convey you to the matrix itself, so that you can realign it. Then this will finally be over.” She didn’t sound completely happy about that, but maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part. After all, once the matrix was fixed up again my part’d be done. They’d ship me back to Earth, back to my dead-end mind-numbing job, and all I’d have to show for it would be a pharmeon loop belt, a cool Elvis outfit, and a few galactic credit cards. Big whoop. I probably couldn’t even tell anybody, at least not without everyone assuming I’d finally lost it—I still had trouble convincing people I had a duck’s head, and that was when they were staring straight at me. Telling them all the weirdness I’d been through in the past year, all the places I’d been and the people I’d seen? Forget about it. Probably the closest I best I could manage would be muttering drunkenly about it in bars late at night, or using it as yet another way to heckle telephone psychics. Maybe Tall and I would get together every few months to sit back and reminisce like old war vets: “Yep, remember that time we were on the garbage truck and mistook that one owner for his trash? Or the little cartoon-bunny whose bridge we stole? Heh!” I probably couldn’t even sell the rights to late-night cable, and that was saying something.
The job had to get done, though. I’d worry about the aftermath, well, after.
“Okay, what are we waiting for?” I flipped up my lapels and straightened my shades. “Let’s go.” I started to step around the corner, and Tall’s heavy hand landed on my shoulder, yanking me back.
“Wait!” he hissed. “It’s bound to be a trap!”
I stared at him. “What’re you talking about? We finally made it! The thingy is right over there, in that big ugly pink building! We just have to walk over there, let ourselves in, find the matrix, realign it, and we’re done! Easy as pie.”
“Exactly.” Tall let me go but shifted so he was blocking my path. “And the enemy must know that.” He looked at Mary. “They know about the matrix, right?”
“Almost certainly,” she admitted.
“And they know where it’s located?”
A frown crossed those pretty features. “I see no reason to believe otherwise—it is not a well-known object, yet its existence and location are hardly secret. Any who wished to locate it would be able to do so with only minimal effort.”
“And they must know that if we realign it they’ll be blocked again.”
Again Mary nodded. “If they know of the matrix’s existence and function, they would certainly know of the dangers involved for them.”
Tall squared his jaw—I’d never actually seen anyone do that before, but he really did. I half-expected his eyes to glint coldly any second. “Which means the invaders know we’ve got to get here, and they know where here is. They’ve had plenty of time to get here before us, so they’ve seized the building and barricaded it against us.” He shrugged. “It’s what I’d do.”
“Yeah, but you’re an FBI guy,” I argued—I knew he wasn’t exactly FBI but I loved watching his left eye twitch whenever I said it. I made a mental note to refer to him as CIA next time instead, to see if I could get the right one going, too. “You’re supposed to be all paranoid and conspiracy-oriented and such. You probably worry every time you order delivery that somebody’s intercepted it and spiked your food with acid and truth serum and rare Australian dingo-venom.” The look of utter horror on his face told me he’d never be able to order delivery again, which I simply considered a bonus. “Who’s to say these guys think that way? They may not even know the matrix exists!”
“They’re invading our universe from a parallel reality!” Tall all but shouted in my face. “They’re a military force intent upon conquest! Of course they know it’s here, and of course they’ve taken it hostage! They’d have to be morons to do anything else, and despite whatever you may think they are not an army of you!”
“They could be,” I countered. “We have no idea who or what they are, really. Do we?” That last part was directed at Mary, who shook her head.
“The Grays were unable to observe the invaders,” she said. “Every attempt was discovered and ended in the agent’s termination. All we do know is that they are from a divergent plane of reality, and have broken through the natural barriers that form this universe. They intend to alter our quantum frequencies to match those of their native plane, thus merging the two realities into one and rewriting our natural laws with their own. Once that occurs they will be able to dominate the universe and impose whatever changes and rule they require.”
“So they could be anybody,” I pointed out. “And they could be complete chowderheads who have no idea what they’re doing or how to run a war or an invasion or whatever. They could be complete blundering idiots who just crashed through the wall by sheer accident.”
“Great, they really could be an army of you,” Tall muttered.
“Yeah, I heard that.” I peered at the pink building again. “But the point is, we have no idea how they think or what they have planned, so for all we know they really don’t know about the matrix and it really is as simple as walking across the street.”
“He has a point,” Ned chimed in. “No point spoiling for a fight if we don’t have to fight anybody.”
“All right, all right.” Tall sighed. “We should assess the situation fully.” He glared at me again. “But you are not going anywhere until we’re sure it’s safe. You’re the only one who can align the matrix, and I’m not letting you get your head blown off literally within sight of our objective.”
“Aw, you really do care!” I batted my eyes at him—which isn’t easy without eyelashes, but it’s amazing what you can do with nictitating membranes if you try hard enough and if you’ve spent enough time drinking heavily. “Okay, you’re the war chief—how do we suss this thing out?”
“We need to send someone to test their defenses,” Tall answered, glancing around at the rest of us. “Someone we can afford to lose if it all goes south in a hurry.” I could see the calculations in his head as his eyes moved over each of our companions in turn. No way he was sending Mary in there—she was our connection to the Grays, the only one who really knew much about the invasion, and she was smoking hot to boot. Ned was too damn useful as well. And Tansy’s reality-warping powers had already saved our butts twice. Which left him, but I didn’t think Tall was stupid enough to risk sacrificing himself on a slim chance. For certain success absolutely, but in a case like this where we didn’t even know if there was a threat, let along how much of one? No, for that we needed somebody completely expendable. Preferably someone we barely even knew, much less liked . . .
Tall and I turned at the same time, and glanced behind us—through the plate-glass window.
“Perfect,” I heard him whisper. And I’m pretty sure he wasn’t thinking about a haircut. Or a quick snack.
Twenty minutes later, Ned returned from the Stellar SuperCuts. He had a tall skinny guy with him, and when I saw “tall” I mean over twelve feet and when I say “skinny” I mean maybe as thick around as my wrist. And I have surprisingly dainty hands and wrists. This guy had skin the color of butter and features that looked like they’d been molded in soft wax, like they were rough and crude and maybe a little runny. He also had five legs and three arms but I tried not to hold that against him. Or to think about how much I’d kill for some good sushi.
“This is Siden,” Ned told us, almost clapping the guy on the back but apparently thinking better of it. “I explained how we’re trying to surprise our friends over in the pink structure and he’s agreed to help by walking over and checking to make sure they’re back from lunch already.” Siden nodded and let out a series of little whoots and whistles and clicks—I felt like I was listening to a clockwork owl convention.
“Thanks, you’re a pal,” I told him, and he nodded and whooted some more before striding out past us and toward the pink building. We all crowded by the corner and watched as he walked, calmly and in no hurry. And why should he be? Poor guy thought he was just helping some people play a practical joke or something. I didn’t blame Ned for the lie, though—saying “hey, we think the building around the corner is heavily guarded by an invading force and we need someone expendable to check and see if we’ll get killed for approaching it” probably wouldn’t have gotten a lot of volunteers.
Siden was already about halfway to the matrix building, and there’d be no response at all. “See?” I whispered at Tall, who made a shushing gesture and didn’t take his eyes off our tall, buttery, rubbery new pal. Siden took a long, loose step, raised several feet to take another—
—and turned to a puddle on the ground.
For a second I thought he’d just melted from the heat, or decided to pool himself for fun or to take a quick nap. But then I realized there’d been a brief, high-pitched whine, and the smell of burning rubber at the same time.
That hadn’t been simple heatstroke. Siden had been murdered.
“See?” Tall hissed at me, but he didn’t look all too thrilled at being proved right. “I told you they were guarding the place!”
“Yeah yeah,” I grumbled back. “What’d they just hit Siden with? And can we do anything about it?”
“A strong-force excitation beam,” Ned offered quietly. “That’s my guess, from the smell and the sound and the . . . results.” He shook his head. “Poor guy. He was only trying to help, and we got him killed!”
“He sacrificed himself to help save the universe,” I replied. “Even if he didn’t know it at the time. So what’s this excitation beam thing? That doesn’t sound so bad—maybe he just got so excited he couldn’t contain himself, like that old Pointer Sisters song.”
“The strong force is one of the guiding forces that binds together all matter in this universe,” Mary explained. “A strong-force excitation beam agitates the strong-force bonds within the target, causing it to lose cohesion at an atomic level.”
“It turns anything it touches to a pile of goo,” Ned translated for me.
“Oh. Got it. Any way we can protect ourselves from it?” But Ned shook his head.
“The beam operates on a subatomic level—I don’t know anything that can block it, or even reduce the effects.”
“So if we go out there we’ll be turned to goo too?” I ground my bill together. “There’s gotta be something we can do!”
“Like what?” Tall turned to Mary. “Any other ways into that building?”
“No,” she replied. “When it was chosen as the site for the matrix, the structure was reconfigured to be defensible in case of attack. The apertures you see were all sealed, save only the single entrance, and thanks to its location and the local terrain there is no way to reach it unobserved.”
“Great.” We all looked at each other. “So how the hell’re we gonna get inside?”
“What about your translocation whosis?” I asked Mary, remembering when we’d first met. “It’s only, what, a hundred feet or so? Could you use that to get us in there?”
But she had more bad news for me. “The translocation device is not an option,” she reminded me. “The quantum frequencies have already shifted too far for them to function. It is not a question of distance but of operation.”
“Right. Forgot about that part.” I rubbed my bill. “Okay, so we know they’re watching, we know they’re armed, we know they’ll shoot anyone who tries to sneak in. We don’t have any defenses, or even any weapons beyond that one gun of Tall’s, and we’re running out of time.” I glanced around at the others. “Okay. That’s that, then.” And I turned and headed out across the street.
“DuckBob! Wait!” Mary ran after me, grabbing my arm. “What are you doing? They will kill you!”
“No they won’t,” I assured her. “I’ve got a plan. Trust me.”
“Really?” Tall had caught up with us. “You’ve got a plan?”
“Absolutely. You guys hang back here, and I’ll take care of it.”
“Wait!” Mary still had hold of my arm. I didn’t mind. “You are sure they will not harm you?”
“Harm me? No idea,” I admitted. “But they won’t kill me.”
She stared at me for a second, then leaned in and kissed me on the side of my face, right where my bill starts. Let me tell you, you wanna talk about erogenous zones? Whoo!
“Be careful,” she whispered. Then she released her grip and stepped back.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Tall warned. But he held out his hand, too. “Good luck.” I shook it, and he didn’t even try to crush my fingers. Much. I really was growing on him.
“Here,” Ned said, holding up what looked like a fridge magnet—an H—and pressing it against the underside of my bill. “This’ll let you stay in communication with us. Good luck.”
“Thanks.” I stretched my neck a little, but I couldn’t actually feel his gizmo at all. Maybe just a mild itch. Tansy gave me a quick kiss on the bill as well—earning her a momentary glare from Mary, I noticed—and then they all drew back around the corner to safety.
I was on my own.
“Right, here I come,” I muttered as I started walking again. “Get ready, because DuckBob Spinowitz is on his way!”
I waited until I was maybe a third of the way across—I could clearly see the puddle that’d been Siden, a few yards ahead of me—before slowing to a stop.
“Hello in there!” I shouted at the pink building. “Can you guys hear me?”
There was no answer, but I did hear Ned whisper, “what’s he doing?” through the thing on my bill. Weird, too—it vibrated through my bill and into my head, which made it sound like I was listening to him underwater. In falsetto.
“I know you’re in there!” I tried again. “My name’s DuckBob! I’ve been sent here to stop you!” I started walking again.
“I know you could excite my strong forces or something like that,” I added, “but I don’t think you want to do that. Because I know some things you don’t, things you’ll need to know if you’re gonna take over this universe properly. You can kill me but then you’ll never find out what they were, and your little invasion might not even succeed. Or you can bring me in yourself, and we can talk about it.”
“Not bad,” Tall’s voice shook through me. “Make yourself too valuable to kill—a classic hostage negotiation tactic.”
“That’s me—a classic,” I muttered, and brightened a little when I heard Ned laugh in reply. His gadget worked! I could still talk to them! I didn’t feel alone any more.
And I’d taken several more steps. All without being reduced to goo.
“I’m unarmed,” I shouted next. “No weapons! I just want to talk, maybe do a little horse-trading, see if we can work things out quietly. What do you say?”
Nobody answered, but I was even with the Puddle O’ Siden now, and then past it, and I was still safely unexcited. It was working!
I kept talking, telling the unseen invaders that I could help them, that I had info they needed, that I just wanted to talk, that we could work things out—that one led into me breaking into the old Beatles song “Try to See It My Way,” which got snorts from Ned and Tall and quiet laughter from Mary and Tansy but carried me to within a short sprint of the pink building. And its one big, heavy metal door.
“Okay, I’m glad you’ve decided to be reasonable about all this,” I announced as I took the last few steps. “I’m sure we can come to some kind of arrangement that works for everybody—maybe you can have the universe on alternate weekends and for holidays, but we’ll split the summers and you’ll have to kick in a bit for expenses. I—” I reached for the door—and it flew open in front of me. Nice.
Then a whole bunch of hands shot out from the dark past the door and latched onto me, hauling me through into the blackness.
Not so nice.