CHAPTER 17 Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice

“Have you ever tried surgery to fix your hand?” is a question I frequently receive on my TikTok content from viewers who do not have my injury.

If you go to any of my TikTok videos where I talk about my paralyzed arm, you might notice that I get a lot of comments from people who don’t have my injury but who eagerly share advice: “Isn’t there a surgery you can get?” “Have you thought about prosthetics?” “Why don’t you just move your fingers?” Commenters have even gone so far as to say things like “You should just cut off your hand since it’s useless.”

Disabled people deal with unsolicited advice all the time—whether it’s from our family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers in the store or on the internet. But what is it, exactly? Unsolicited advice consists of guidance or suggestions (sometimes well-intentioned) given to disabled people without our explicit request or consent. It is a type of ableist microaggression. Here are a few examples:

• The man on the train who assumed that I needed help with my luggage: “You should ask for help.”

• The people who commented on my desire to relearn how to bike: “You shouldn’t bike. It’s not safe.”

• “Have you tried yoga [or other treatment/therapy] to help with your pain?”

• “I heard about this person who had your condition, and veganism [or another activity/treatment] worked for them. You should try it.”

• “Are you sure you can handle that?”

• “I’ll pray for you.”

The advice, which can include recommendations for medical treatments or lifestyle changes, usually focuses on how disabled people can manage our disability or improve our lives and make them easier. Additionally, it often comes from non-disabled people who may not share or understand the experience of the person they’re speaking to. As disabled scholar-practitioner Dr. Amy Kenny puts it,

Strangers and soon-to-be strangers always offer me unsolicited prayers and potions to change my disability. I’ve been recommended everything from “sleep with a bar of soap” to “eat more turmeric” to “use essential oils,” but my personal favorite is “hit your other leg with a hammer.” Somehow, I am still disabled. The constant unsolicited advice is dehumanizing and frustrating, as though my body is public property simply because I am disabled.¹

Deaf disability inclusion and accessibility advocate Meryl K. Evans describes a common piece of unsolicited advice she receives:

Just received another link to the sign language gloves asking if I had seen it. Yes. It’s an old video that makes the rounds once a year. The way the sign language gloves work is that the signer puts on the thick gloves. The gloves have wires connected to a computer or a mobile phone [that] speaks the signs.… The deaf signer has to wear the gloves, not the person who doesn’t sign.²

The root causes of unsolicited advice are the assumptions and stereotypes people have about disability: that disability is inherently negative and needs to be fixed and that disabled people need help. Most of the time, people give well-intentioned advice because they wish to help, but what they don’t realize is how problematic and harmful unsolicited advice can be. In some ways, unsolicited advice, even if hidden behind encouraging words, is a form of judgment because it is an attempt to impart wisdom and apply it to another person’s life based on ableist assumptions.³

In a thread, E Krebs, PhD (@SaltySicky), compiles a few of their own reasons (and some crowdsourced ones) for why chronically ill people become upset when they receive unsolicited advice.⁴ Many of these reasons are shared by other disabled people. Here are some examples, combined with my own reasons and observations. Note that the following list is largely paraphrased content based on the post, but anything in quotation marks is a direct quotation.

1. It is condescending and judgmental. Unsolicited advice suggests that disabled people “haven’t done our own research” or aren’t “smart enough” to have already considered these ideas ourselves or in consultation with our doctors, family, and friends. It also suggests that we simply haven’t done enough or tried hard enough. (@SaltySicky)

2. It disregards the autonomy and agency of disabled people and assumes that we lack the ability to make decisions about our own lives and are unable to help ourselves.

3. It presumes that there’s an easy fix or “simple solution” that will solve our disability, which ends up “[trivializing] our complex experiences and conditions,” especially when there are comorbidities. (@LilMxTangent)

4. It might be a sales ploy if someone is trying to sell specific products like a supplement. It sees the disabled person as a business “target” and potential customer instead of a person. (@GoldenC688)

5. It is often given “without ever trying to understand or ask questions about the disease [or disability] and how it works.” (@hedonish) Besides not having a good understanding of the person’s disability, people also often give unsolicited advice without asking what the disabled person thinks or feels about that particular topic.

6. It can be actually harmful, and even dangerous, to someone based on our specific condition, since everyone’s situation is different. “Sometimes people (including alternative health practitioners) recommend echinacea to me—but people with my disease have ended up in the hospital after taking [it].” (@krinipi)

Disabled people have to deal with unsolicited advice so regularly, on top of the other types of ableism that we navigate and confront daily, that it adds to our stress and anxiety. Russell Lehmann, a motivational speaker and public advocate who has autism, OCD, and other non-apparent disabilities, says, “When you try to help me, please be sure that you know how to help me. Even if it’s very well-intentioned… you can actually cause a lot of hurt… [and] now I’m in an awkward position between doing that at my own detriment or rejecting your offer of help.”⁵ Unsolicited advice contributes to a sense of being misunderstood, dismissed, and invalidated, and over time, it can erode our self-esteem and lead to a sense of disempowerment and dependence on others. It can even potentially fuel our own internalized ableism, where we start to feel defined by our disabilities and the need to fix them, as opposed to being individuals with our own unique identities. Another negative effect of unsolicited advice is that it often creates a barrier to deeper connection.

Remember that not every disabled person feels comfortable sharing the details of our disability with you (especially if your advice has the flavor of telling disabled people that what we’re already doing is wrong or not enough). As disability community organizer Sarah Blahovec says, “While we know that you’re just trying to help, this advice forces us to disclose intimate details of our health with strangers who know nothing of our individual medical situation, and to talk about whether or not we’ve tried what they’re recommending. It’s uncomfortable and frustrating.” Instead, Blahovec says, “trust that disabled and chronically ill people and their medical teams are the most knowledgeable about their own health and their medical and lifestyle needs. Trust that they will seek out you or the proper sources if they’re interested in what you have to offer.”⁶ Yes, there will also be times when I am soliciting advice and actively looking for suggestions, such as when I wanted to see how people put on over-the-ear headphones with one hand or when I asked the brachial plexus community for tips on relearning to swim with one hand.

So what can you do instead of offering unsolicited advice like “Have you tried [X] or [Y]?” Have you ever had a friend share a story with you, and you immediately provided feedback or went into problem-solving mode before being met with the response that they just wanted someone to listen? Sometimes what disabled people are looking for most is not advice but rather support; we just want to be seen, heard, and understood. It’s worth checking before you launch into what you think is best, whether your friends are disabled or not.

And just as we learned in Chapter 16: Stop Making Assumptions, a good rule is to ask first, “Are you looking for feedback or advice or a shoulder to lean on?” Lehmann suggests asking, “How can I help?,” which shows that you are aware that you may not know how to help, which “is a great thing.”⁷ Something like “Could I offer you some advice?” or “Are you open to some advice?” would also work. Then, don’t forget step two: listen to the answer. Make sure that the disabled person is on board before you share any suggestions. Use active listening, practice empathy, and engage in self-reflection. You can do this by making an effort to genuinely understand the experiences and needs of disabled people (if we are willing to share), learning to ask open-ended questions, respecting our autonomy, and paying attention to your own assumptions and biases about disability—and correcting them.

Finally, if you are a disabled person who finds yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, here are some answers you can use to close a conversation that is not helping you: “Thanks, but I don’t really need advice.” “There are many different ways of doing things.” “I’m glad that works for you.” “I’m already researching a solution.” “I’ll ask for advice if I need it.”⁸ Don’t hesitate to set boundaries and assert yourself.

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